Parent/Boyfriend Conflict

[Holly]

Hello,

 

I need a little insight from someone else. In order to start I need to give a little history...I was engaged to be married and broke it off in Oct. He came to live with me for the time we were engaged. The main reasons were that my fiance and I rushed into it and were not ready. I am 25, he is 26. We knew each other 7 mos. before becoming engaged. Another main reason I had was because I had caught my fiance in a few white lies. I felt like I couldn't trust him, panicked, and broke up with him. One thing I should note is he never cheated on me. (As far as I know) The catch to it is that I got my parents involved in the breakup and they know every bit of my personal life with my fiance. In hindsight, I realize I should have kept things separate. This past month I have begun dating my fiance and things are going well. We are taking it slow and living apart but we are hopeful that if we take it slow this time, it may work out in the long run. However, my parents still hold a grudge and drop hints that they would rather us not be together. It is odd because they get along great with him. And now I only talk positively about him and don't let them in on any disagreements we have.

 

The thing I wanted some insight on is this...on Thursday my Mom is getting surgery. On Friday, my ex-fiance is getting surgery as well. My Dad will be out of town so I told my Mom she is welcome to come to my house so I can take care of her and watch their 2 dogs. I am driving her to and from surgery. I also told my ex-fiance I will take him to and from surgery and take care of him over the weekend. I have a 3 bedroom and my ex-fiance will stay in my room with me and my Mom in the guest room (or so I assumed) He stays with me in my room when he sleeps over and she knows that. We were engaged and used to live together. So to get to my point, tonight on the phone my Mom gave me an extremely hard time and said she wants to stay in my room with me and he should stay in the guest room. She says I am putting him first. It was really weird because usually she is not demanding like this but even my Dad was chiming in about it in the background. She said, "Why are you even taking care of him, he can go home and his Mom can take care of him." I WANT to take care of him for the weekend. I told him I would and when I had surgery last month he took great care of me. I said this to her but we got off the phone a little awkwardly. I am upset and even started crying because normally I get along wonderfully with my parents. Now I feel like they are bullying me and I don't understand it. Do you think I am being selfish or unreasonable about this? Is it correct of my Mom to want to stay in my room? I want to see what anyone thinks about this so I can do the right thing on Friday when she comes back here from the hospital. Thank you for your help and I am sorry this was so long!

[Tony T]

Your mom and dad are from a different generation. This has absolutely nothing to do with how mom or dad feel about your guy.

 

Many parents just get a really weird feeling about being in the same house with their daughter sleeping with a guy she's not married to. Yeah, they know the two of you have been living together...but don't think they like it. They just know from reading the papers and watching TV that's the way it is.

 

But being IN YOUR HOME and right there in three dimension is a whole lot different. Your mother will be recovering from surgery. If she's uncomfortable with the idea of her little girl living with a guy, just know she will feel 100 times worse in the other bedroom in a house where her little girl, that she's raised from birth, is in a bed with a guy she isn't married to...and a guy they aren't fond of because he hurt their little girl.

 

This may be your golden opportunity to mature a bit, to see things from another perspective, to show some added respect for your mother's feelings. She's been there for you ALL YOUR LIFE and got you where you are now. This guy's really caused some problems for you and has come into the picture much more recently.

 

You will be a mom one day and you will understand. But for now, explain this to your boyfriend. If he is a decent man at all, he will completely understand and be happy for your mother to stay in the room with you. His attitude will also impress the hell out of your mom.

 

If your guy balks at giving your mother priority, he is NOT the man you ought to be with. In the scheme of things, many guys may come and go, many guys may screw you over royally, but your mom will always be there to care for you and watch out for your best interests.

 

Be kind to your mom and let her stay in your room. One day she will be gone, you will never see her again, and you will be thankful you showed her this kindness.