beach Posted January 9, 2014 Share Posted January 9, 2014 Beach, I'd like to answer that but this is a public forum and she knows I've been getting advice from message boards like this. I'd rather not show my cards in case she's hanging around. When we talk about D we usually agree that we should try mediation first. If the gloves come off, I'll be OK. So - she may be motivated because she doesn't want to split up her money. Has she said why she's all of a sudden motivated to keep you around? She made it obvious she doesn't intend to respect or honor you - yet now something has her playing perfect wife suddenly - what's up with that change? Link to post Share on other sites
Steadfast Posted January 9, 2014 Share Posted January 9, 2014 Win the war, win the peace...whatever. Deep down, you want her back, want to save the marriage and restore her love by becoming what you think she wants. Problem is, marriage isn't a war and relationships shouldn't be a battleground. Since when did manipulation become necessary to reconcile a healthy relationship or sustain a marriage? No matter how much planning you put into it, she'll remain in control because of your desire for her. You care about it more than she does. Clearly. If she can be manipulated to stay, she can be manipulated to leave. You'll never convince her to be faithful. She'll only be faithful is she wants to be. I get the sense your frustration isn't based on her cheating, wandering ways, it's because your attempts to reverse it have failed. Keep working on your alpha score and rewarding her cheating with date nights and one sided devotion. She'll counter by working her plan, keeping her eggs in her basket and making sure you don't catch on. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted January 9, 2014 Share Posted January 9, 2014 I am moving out to clear my head, work on myself, and take some time to think about if I will ever be able to forgive / trust her. I didn't give her six ground rules. I said that those 6 things need to happen if we are going to find a happy marriage. If any of those things do not happen, we will not make it. Currently none of those things are in place. They are not for her to do alone - they are going to require cooperation and work and professional help. Ok. I see what you are saying now. Since the jury is still out on whether you R or D, I would advise having some clear-cut non negotiable boundaries during the separation that would be instant deal breakers such as if she stops going to counseling, locks up her phone, starts seeing other people etc etc. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted January 9, 2014 Share Posted January 9, 2014 She's still blaming me for her cheating but she is right about a lot of that stuff. I mean how hard she tried for years, how angry and frustrated I was with her, how often she tried to tell me, etc. Hopefully, in her 'full apology' she takes some responsibility too. DO NOT TAKE THE BLAME FOR HER CHEATING!!!!! IF there was problems in the marriage, then okay, fine. You can take the blame for 50% of the problems in your marriage and she can own up to the other 50%. But, her cheating was 100% on her. That was NOT your fault. She made that choice, not you! If you are going to try to reconcile this marriage, then you need marriage counseling. However, you need to do your homework and find one that specializes in infidelity. Do not go to a run-of-the-mill counselor. Because, they will give you the Oprah/ Dr. Phil answers that she cheated on YOU because YOU didn't do this, that or the other. A counselor that specializes in infidelity won't do that and will actually make your wife own up to her own sh*t. This wasn't your fault, it was her choice. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 A woman's sexuality is one she should be in tune with - enough to say to her husband that she needs more or less or something extra if that is the case. Discussing it honestly is expected - as they are married. They can make any agreement that works for THEM. But if/SINCE she went behind his back and lied about what she was doing - she changed their agreement without discussing it first. That's not ok. She ruined trust and it's up to her to earn it back if she/he wishes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hyde12 Posted January 11, 2014 Author Share Posted January 11, 2014 Steadfast, any chance you can tell me the chapter and verse for the divorce / unfaithfulness lesson? Link to post Share on other sites
Steadfast Posted January 11, 2014 Share Posted January 11, 2014 Steadfast, any chance you can tell me the chapter and verse for the divorce / unfaithfulness lesson? The question about divorce is answered by Christ in Matthew 19:8. It is also recorded in at least one other gospel (Mark). You can follow the history of divorce by backtracking to the law of Moses and why it was permitted. Link to post Share on other sites
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