Seriously considering cutting off my sister, but how do I do this?

[littleraindrops]

I used to think that we were best friends at least when we were little, but I might be wrong. I vaguely remember trying to hide from her when I wanted to hang out with my friends because she'd want to tag along all the time; even when I was hanging out with my boyfriend. I even had to get her valentine's gift.

 

My sister and I are very different, and my sister has had a difficulty time understanding this simple fact that people are different. My sister is very social, knows how to talk to people (ie. a lot of butt-kissing), and knows how to sound smart, even if she's completely wrong and has no idea what she's talking about.

 

Me, on the other hand; I have always been very quiet (not shy, but introverted), like my own space and spending time alone, not too social, but will attend gatherings with friends and colleagues, and can't really hold conversation if I don't know much about the topic, except for asking ins and outs about what it is.

 

We didn't really have much trouble until we went to the same college; well, to be more specific, she ended up following me because she didn't get into Ivy Leagues like she was hoping to, and she figured, since my school took me, she'd get in, too. I wasn't too happy to see her at my school because she applied there after giving me three years of crap for not getting into an Ivy League school like her cool friend's older siblings.

 

Then I met a guy, and my sister and I became more distant because for one, I wasn't really excited to hear my younger sister lecturing me about how to live a successful life and criticizing everything I was doing, and two, I'd much rather spend time with someone who made me feel safe and helped me build self-esteem (well, at least for majority of our relationship).

 

 

My bf at the time and I were pretty serious about our relationship, and had definitely thought about getting married. However, things didn't work out because I was suffering from a severe depression, and it turns out, he wasn't the most faithful person. Regardless of my dislikes toward my sister, I decided to move back home and get more education.

 

Even though I don't like my sister, I try to listen to her when she's forcefully asking me to do things because I do think that some of her suggestions will benefit me a lot. So I listened, and she became more and more pushy; I told her multiple times that I can't do all the things she asks me to because my depression "attacks" will come and go, and when I'm "under attack" I can't think of anything but committing a suicide. Her response was "even if you die, complete everything beforehand".

 

About two years ago, I started binging and purging, which to me, has been a more serious issue than the >25years of depression. Three years ago, my sister and I had a huge argument, and we both got so upset that we didn't eat for almost a week. We had both lost a lot of weight, and she had never been that thin before, despite her effort to lose weight, so she was happy. I felt weak and starved, so I wasn't really happy about how I looked. I also didn't like how I looked because the reason I fasted was to cleanse myself before dying. So when I don't eat, it reminds me of those times that I forced myself to starve in preparation of death.

 

Well, it turns out my sister liked her new look so much that she started forcing me to eat less and less (sometime just one cup of yogurt per day), and got upset if I ate more than she did, and watched everything I ate. When I was in the kitchen, she followed me into the kitchen to make sure I wasn't consuming anything beside water. She also started calling me ugly and fat more often, and also told me that I needed plastic surgery because I was so ugly. Now, I am pretty average, 5'4'' and 108 lb. I would like to be thinner and look healthier, as any woman may dream to look like a hollywood star, but I don't think I need someone constantly telling me I am ugly and fat.

 

So my solution was to binge when she wasn't around, and purge whenever I ate more than what she would have approved. Because of this, my weight has fluctuated so much (sometimes it would go down to ~100 lb and get up to 116 lb within a week), but now I am addicted and cannot stop.

 

I wanted to stop it, and went to a therapist, but not much improvement. I told my sister that I was having this issue because she told me I was fat and ugly, in the hope that she would finally stop, but she got really upset because I was too fat to have such problems. And we're talking about a future-MD. How scary and sad is that?

 

 

When she gets upset, she just blurts out mean words that can scar me for life, which is why I try to distance myself from her. Some may be things I need to hear, but I also know a lot about myself, my flaws. In fact, this is the main reason I can't get better; I hate myself too much that I keep myself depressed. I know this, and I am still working hard to be happier by finding good hobbies, spending time with people I like (the losers, to my sister's eyes), and doing the work I like doing.

 

I've told her many, many times that I know my flaws, I am working on fixing them (though I don't know why I need to keep her updated), and I will work as hard as I can. But for some reason, she thinks she needs to advise me. Because of this, for a long time, I thought I couldn't make decisions myself. Now I'm starting to trust my decisions that I made myself, and be happy about them. I've decided that I want to stop being a victim of her verbal abuse that brings me down and lower my self-esteem. Quite surprisingly, despite her rudeness toward me, others find her very enjoyable because she doesn't treat them in the same way. And as mentioned earlier, she knows how to please people, which she's pretty proud of, and in fact, insists I do the same. "Do what I do" is her favorite phrase.

 

This coming summer, I will be moving out my parents' house for good, to pursue my career. I am planning to block her number. I still plan to keep in touch with the rest of the family, even though they will be upset to find out that I have blocked my sister's number. If she follows me around and bothers me, it'll put me in a position to seriously consider taking this issue to the court. I can't deal with her verbal abuse and never-ending criticism. Am I being reasonable or am I taking this too far?

[pink_sugar]

I don't think court is necessary. If you want to keep her out of your life all you have to do is what you already mentioned. Moving out, not answering her calls, blocking her number. Not really worth the time and effort to go to court, she isn't physically hurting you. What you need to do is stand up for yourself and not allow her to do this to you. How old are you both by the way? 108 is really quite thin for 5'4". I am over 130 and 5'3" and of course I am not happy with my weight, but I would be happy to get back to 123-125. I was really thin when I was 118 earlier this year, the smallest I've been since middle school. I was so depressed and I had lost a lot of weight during that time. But it's not healthy to starve yourself like that. You will feel much better about yourself when you cut your sister out of your life and continue therapy for yourself.

[Elias33]

I used to think that we were best friends at least when we were little, but I might be wrong. I vaguely remember trying to hide from her when I wanted to hang out with my friends because she'd want to tag along all the time; even when I was hanging out with my boyfriend. I even had to get her valentine's gift.

 

My sister and I are very different, and my sister has had a difficulty time understanding this simple fact that people are different. My sister is very social, knows how to talk to people (ie. a lot of butt-kissing), and knows how to sound smart, even if she's completely wrong and has no idea what she's talking about.

 

Me, on the other hand; I have always been very quiet (not shy, but introverted), like my own space and spending time alone, not too social, but will attend gatherings with friends and colleagues, and can't really hold conversation if I don't know much about the topic, except for asking ins and outs about what it is.

 

We didn't really have much trouble until we went to the same college; well, to be more specific, she ended up following me because she didn't get into Ivy Leagues like she was hoping to, and she figured, since my school took me, she'd get in, too. I wasn't too happy to see her at my school because she applied there after giving me three years of crap for not getting into an Ivy League school like her cool friend's older siblings.

 

Then I met a guy, and my sister and I became more distant because for one, I wasn't really excited to hear my younger sister lecturing me about how to live a successful life and criticizing everything I was doing, and two, I'd much rather spend time with someone who made me feel safe and helped me build self-esteem (well, at least for majority of our relationship).

 

 

My bf at the time and I were pretty serious about our relationship, and had definitely thought about getting married. However, things didn't work out because I was suffering from a severe depression, and it turns out, he wasn't the most faithful person. Regardless of my dislikes toward my sister, I decided to move back home and get more education.

 

Even though I don't like my sister, I try to listen to her when she's forcefully asking me to do things because I do think that some of her suggestions will benefit me a lot. So I listened, and she became more and more pushy; I told her multiple times that I can't do all the things she asks me to because my depression "attacks" will come and go, and when I'm "under attack" I can't think of anything but committing a suicide. Her response was "even if you die, complete everything beforehand".

 

About two years ago, I started binging and purging, which to me, has been a more serious issue than the >25years of depression. Three years ago, my sister and I had a huge argument, and we both got so upset that we didn't eat for almost a week. We had both lost a lot of weight, and she had never been that thin before, despite her effort to lose weight, so she was happy. I felt weak and starved, so I wasn't really happy about how I looked. I also didn't like how I looked because the reason I fasted was to cleanse myself before dying. So when I don't eat, it reminds me of those times that I forced myself to starve in preparation of death.

 

Well, it turns out my sister liked her new look so much that she started forcing me to eat less and less (sometime just one cup of yogurt per day), and got upset if I ate more than she did, and watched everything I ate. When I was in the kitchen, she followed me into the kitchen to make sure I wasn't consuming anything beside water. She also started calling me ugly and fat more often, and also told me that I needed plastic surgery because I was so ugly. Now, I am pretty average, 5'4'' and 108 lb. I would like to be thinner and look healthier, as any woman may dream to look like a hollywood star, but I don't think I need someone constantly telling me I am ugly and fat.

 

So my solution was to binge when she wasn't around, and purge whenever I ate more than what she would have approved. Because of this, my weight has fluctuated so much (sometimes it would go down to ~100 lb and get up to 116 lb within a week), but now I am addicted and cannot stop.

 

I wanted to stop it, and went to a therapist, but not much improvement. I told my sister that I was having this issue because she told me I was fat and ugly, in the hope that she would finally stop, but she got really upset because I was too fat to have such problems. And we're talking about a future-MD. How scary and sad is that?

 

 

When she gets upset, she just blurts out mean words that can scar me for life, which is why I try to distance myself from her. Some may be things I need to hear, but I also know a lot about myself, my flaws. In fact, this is the main reason I can't get better; I hate myself too much that I keep myself depressed. I know this, and I am still working hard to be happier by finding good hobbies, spending time with people I like (the losers, to my sister's eyes), and doing the work I like doing.

 

I've told her many, many times that I know my flaws, I am working on fixing them (though I don't know why I need to keep her updated), and I will work as hard as I can. But for some reason, she thinks she needs to advise me. Because of this, for a long time, I thought I couldn't make decisions myself. Now I'm starting to trust my decisions that I made myself, and be happy about them. I've decided that I want to stop being a victim of her verbal abuse that brings me down and lower my self-esteem. Quite surprisingly, despite her rudeness toward me, others find her very enjoyable because she doesn't treat them in the same way. And as mentioned earlier, she knows how to please people, which she's pretty proud of, and in fact, insists I do the same. "Do what I do" is her favorite phrase.

 

This coming summer, I will be moving out my parents' house for good, to pursue my career. I am planning to block her number. I still plan to keep in touch with the rest of the family, even though they will be upset to find out that I have blocked my sister's number. If she follows me around and bothers me, it'll put me in a position to seriously consider taking this issue to the court. I can't deal with her verbal abuse and never-ending criticism. Am I being reasonable or am I taking this too far?

 

You are not here to please other people. You can't make some people happy. Live your own life and do away with the negative forces that affect you so negatively. This may include your sister. It is a hard choice, but sometimes these choices are to be made. I haven't talked to my brother in 3 years now. I couldn't make him happy with my life choices. I was sick of heaving to deal with the endless critique. Just don't take people to court okay?

[littleraindrops]

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I am 28 (yes, too old to be bossed around by little sister, but depression and low self-esteem are pretty powerful to make us think that we're incapable of a lot of things, right?).

 

And okay, I will try not to get the court involved.

 

Thanks again.

[pink_sugar]

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I am 28 (yes, too old to be bossed around by little sister, but depression and low self-esteem are pretty powerful to make us think that we're incapable of a lot of things, right?).

 

And okay, I will try not to get the court involved.

 

Thanks again.

 

How old is she? I think putting her in her place would probably resolve this issue. In a way you are both at fault...her for doing this, but you're also not being firm with her and nicely telling her to f**k off. You cannot take someone to court when you're allowing them to treat you this way.

[littleraindrops]

She is two years younger than me.

 

My parents do not want to get involved because they don't know how to go about our problems. They had tried in the past, but my sister will still continue whenever they're not around, or even if they are around, she will tell me to be quiet and just listen to her. She also kindly reminds me that I shouldn't get upset and yell at her because she doesn't want me to start family drama. Who is starting a drama in this? I don't know anymore.

 

My parents like to think that everything is good as long as we're not screaming at each other. Especially my mother... she doesn't realize how serious this is and how much this is affecting my life. She still suggests that my sister and I do things together, even after seeing me getting hurt.