mind games

[megnorman]

so for those of you who dont know...my husband has kicked me out of our house and wants a divorce. we have been married for one year and hes already ready to quit. we argue often but nothing that i dont believe we couldn't get past in order to save our marriage. so im living 5 hours away with my family and have moved out of our house for the sake of arguing and because i dont want to live with someone who just doesnt want me there. well this afternoon we were having a good convo on the phone. we were getting along very well and he told me how much he loves me and wants to maintain something good out of our relationship. he tells me how much he misses me and hopes that one day we can have more good times together. and made sure to tell me to make sure when i get the separation papers that i read the part about reconcilable differences. he said if at the end of the six months if we decided to stay together we dont have to get divorced. that gave me hope well soon later i got home and the separation papers came in the mail and i asked him to call to talk about it. well when he called he was with his dad and brother and was being a jerk. his attitude completely changed. he said that he never told me we could reconcile and that he is getting a divorce. but then he told me we can stay separated for a year and we dont have to get divorced right away but then told me he was def signing divorce papers in six months. but then i said so are we gonna talk or see eachother and he said to wait until this all calms down and were both not angry and we will see about it. but yet he has every intention of getting divored. he keeps being indecisive about what hes saying and its pissing me off. also when we were getting off the phone he didnt tell me he loved me because he said it would just confuse his dad and brother. which i know that they were there. i could hear them hunting in the background. but who cares about what they think!!!!! agghhhh why?????? please any ideas why he is being so indecisive?????

[TrappedWanderer]

My husband did the same thing. Back and forth, back and forth...it was TORTURE. I finally put parameters/a timeline on it and, sure enough, after a few really good days, he exploded again and couldn't make up his mind. It was VERY tough, but I finally left.

 

It hasn't been easy...I've had to move back in with my family and that wasn't really something I had envisioned, but I'm grateful to have a safe, neutral place to be. And I'm REALLY grateful that I had the courage to leave. This indecisiveness wasn't going anywhere and was only making things worse. I'm still sad, the holidays especially make that so, but I hope in the long run that I've made the right decision to not stay with someone who has the courage row commitment to try and work through things. I look forward to the day when I can look back on thinks as a learning experience and be grateful for both the relationship and for having the strength to leave something that was toxic.

 

Every situation is different, just look inside yourself and do what's best for you...what's really best, not what is easiest.

 

Best of luck!

[megnorman]

it just confusing because he makes me feel one minute like he would be willing to work out things in the future but the next minute he is absolutely against it and denies giving me that impression. but im not stupid and dont make stuff up in my mind....i want so bad to save our marriage id do anything in the world. i love him and cant imagine life without him. it makes me so very sad has anything changed with your husband trapped wonder? when u left did he contact you or anything?

[TrappedWanderer]

I went through the same thing. It really is torture, the back and forth, never knowing, never being able to feel totally comfortable. Do you start trying to plan, emotionally and logically, to separating or do you give it more time? Ugh.

 

For me, I gave it time, tried a variety of things....but really, while I was doing the work to try and work through things, he just seemed to feel trapped...he never said that, but I think that how he felt. And it was so overwhelming that he refused to deal with ANYTHING...which led to lots of yelling, screaming, and my sweet sweet husband turned into a monster I no longer recognized. All so that he didn't have to put in any work.

 

To me, marriage IS work and I was looking forward to doing it with my partner. I think, looking back, that he was living in a dreamland where everything would be perfect and precisely how he wanted in his head...no matter what the reality or despite any conversations we'd had over the years and particularly during our engagement leading up to our wedding.

 

It's good and over between us. He crossed far too many lines for it to be any different. He's now proven himself to be someone completely different to who he had always showed me. And looking at it that was has helped me get some closure and certainty that I did the right thing.

 

Is it easy? No. I still cry and I still miss him...but I miss the him I thought he was, not the person he's finally shown me he actually is. And that's the key. I'm angry that he put me through all this...that I gave up EVERYTHING because I loved him and believed in him. That's making this process drag out...once I have a job and my own place again, I'm hoping to get further in the healing process. For now...it's one day at a time.

 

Sorry for the long response...I just know when this was all initially happening to me a few months ago, I felt like my head was spinning and I was so so alone....so I want you to know that you aren't. Lean on family and friends and get out...even if it's only a few days away to help clear your head so that you make the best decision for YOU.

[oldshirt]

You need to adopt an 'all-in or all-out' policy.

 

 

 

 

Either you are both putting your full efforts into reconciling or you are putting your full efforts into divorcing and moving on.

 

 

My wife and I had a real rough patch a few years ago and our counselor told us he would either help us save the marriage or he would help us divorce. What he asked of us was to commit to one or the other. Another rule we had was no threats or discussions of divorce until the papers were filed. where we are if you have minor children there is mandatory mediation anyway once someone has filed so there is plenty of time for discussing divorce once it's been filed for.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I think you should do the same with your husband. either all-in or all-out. no pussyfooting or half-assing with either reconciliation or divorce. If he wants you out of the house file the papers and formalize it. if he wants to bang you or have a relationship with you, then you are under the same roof as husband and wife putting full efforts into reconciliation.