Do you or can you get over being in love with a good friend?

[Mr. Lizard]

Long story short - I have a good friend that happens to be a co worker as well. Known her for years. We are fairly close and always lean on one another for support dealing with life's trials and tribulations. We have the same sense of humor, etc, etc. Shes getting married in 4 months and Im also married. There is a mutual respect between us and Im sure she's good with just being friends. Ive been in love with her for a while and still am.

 

 

But, I do not and will not say anything to her or act on it. Her friendship is genuinely very important to me and I am NOT screwing that up. I respect her too much and also care about my family too much to hurt them. Period.

 

 

My problem is...well.... will my feelings for her ever subside? I know that nothing can ever come of it but damnit, I cant shake the feelings I have. I cannot and will not quit my job either. We could end up working together and doing lunches, sharing stories for many years.

 

 

Does that mean Im doomed and wont ever get over this? I really don't want these feelings but I cant control what I feel. I really want this to go back to being how it was when we met years ago.... friends with a lot to share but I wasn't in love with her.

 

 

UGH! I need to get over this WITHOUT compromising the friendship.

[PegNosePete]

I feel sorry for your wife. You should tell her that you're having an emotional affair. How would you feel if the roles were reversed, if she'd written this post about a colleague at her work?

[georgieg]

I spent two years being in love with a guy who has now become my best friend (we've known each other for over a decade, feelings developed in the past couple of years). He does not have the same romantic interest in me, though we both openly admit we love each other and would both be heartbroken to lose each other.

 

It's been a rocky road, but knowing that there's absolutely no way it's going to happen and that he and I are too important to each other to not be friends helped a lot. Honestly, talking it through with him was a vital part of the healing process. We did go a couple days no-contact, but with plans to see each other less than a week after we had our big "meltdown/tell-all/argument/reveal", so things didn't have time to get weird. I'm now 99% over my romantic feelings for him. I'm not sure if that 1% will ever completely go away, but I can deal with 1%. Part of it is that I didn't try to love him less, just love him differently. It's much easier to convert feelings than it is to get rid of them, at least for me.

 

But it sounds like you're not in a position to talk it through with your friend. I'd suggest a therapist, honestly. You need to talk it through with someone, but there's too much at stake to confide in a non-professional from the sound of it.

[Mr. Lizard]

I spent two years being in love with a guy who has now become my best friend (we've known each other for over a decade, feelings developed in the past couple of years). He does not have the same romantic interest in me, though we both openly admit we love each other and would both be heartbroken to lose each other.

 

It's been a rocky road, but knowing that there's absolutely no way it's going to happen and that he and I are too important to each other to not be friends helped a lot. Honestly, talking it through with him was a vital part of the healing process. We did go a couple days no-contact, but with plans to see each other less than a week after we had our big "meltdown/tell-all/argument/reveal", so things didn't have time to get weird. I'm now 99% over my romantic feelings for him. I'm not sure if that 1% will ever completely go away, but I can deal with 1%. Part of it is that I didn't try to love him less, just love him differently. It's much easier to convert feelings than it is to get rid of them, at least for me.

 

But it sounds like you're not in a position to talk it through with your friend. I'd suggest a therapist, honestly. You need to talk it through with someone, but there's too much at stake to confide in a non-professional from the sound of it.

 

I so loved your comment about "loving him differently instead of less". That's awesome. Your story has similarities to mine except that you started out in love and then became friends. We are the opposite and it was the friendship that developed first. She doesn't feel the same way, I'm sure. But, we really do have something that allows us to click. Same sense of humor, same lots of stuff.

 

She has also been there for me for some rough times this year. It's the little things she does. Like knowing when I'm down, checking on me, being a good listener and remembering details from conversations we had. That's huge, IMO and my life is better because she's in it. That's why the friendship really is so important to me. Its priceless to find genuinely good people in this world and I refuse to lose what we have. I wish it was just a stupid crush where I could easily just put the moves on, have here reject them and then we could forget the whole thing. No way that's happening though. No way!

 

As for talking it out, I've talked it out with another good female friend of mine who actually agrees that our friendship is worth keeping. She warned me though that my feelings may not go away since I see her all the time and we work together. She says ill just have to deal with the feelings I have and suck it up. Kind of like your 1% issue where you'll always have something for the guy. The problem is that I'm much higher than 1% right now. I'd love to get it down there since that's more manageable. I'm not seeing what a therapist is going to do. The wife and I have seen one this year and I appreciated trying it out but didn't feel it made any tangible difference in our lives or marriage. It seemed like $100+ bucks an hour for someone to listen and then tell us the obvious or by the book advice. I just didn't see the value in it. No offense to counselor a or therapists but it's not my thing.

 

Thanks so much for your reply and story, it's good to know I ain't the only one with one these very tricky situations!

[Phoe]

I have gotten over it, but did lose the friendship entirely.

[imtooconfused]

I have gotten over it, but did lose the friendship entirely.

 

I will never get over feelings for my friend as long as we run into each other occasionally as friends. The only way the feelings will ever go away is through complete NC.

[Mr. Lizard]

I will never get over feelings for my friend as long as we run into each other occasionally as friends. The only way the feelings will ever go away is through complete NC.

 

Complete no contact is entirely out of the question. Not doing it. So, I guess I'm screwed....

 

I have gotten over it, but did lose the friendship entirely.

 

Losing the friendship would be devastating. I can't do that.

[imtooconfused]

So, I guess I'm screwed....

 

Yes, I understand exactly what you mean. But you should also be ready for your feelings to continue to get stronger and stronger until you are literally going out of your mind. It's the sacrifice you will be making for the friendship. And the worst part is that she will not have any idea at all what you are going through, which will kill you all the more.

[Mr. Lizard]

Yes, I understand exactly what you mean. But you should also be ready for your feelings to continue to get stronger and stronger until you are literally going out of your mind. It's the sacrifice you will be making for the friendship. And the worst part is that she will not have any idea at all what you are going through, which will kill you all the more.

 

Yikes. That's not what I wanted to hear. I'm basically already bonkers over this and no, she does not know at all. Damn, this is brutal.

 

I wonder if telling her my true feelings would help me if only because at least it's out on the table now? Of course, nothing good can come from spilling my guts either unless I'm missing something? Here are the possible outcomes and one of them MIGHT be actually decent. #1 and #2 are bad, #3 would be good.

 

1) She's disappointed and then is turned off by the friendship and starts backing away. I'd be mortified and broken. The workplace would forever be awkward and very sucky.

 

2) A one in a million chance that she's likes me too and is willing to break off her wedding next April and be with me. I'm sure she wouldn't do this but theoretically if she did I'd be even more devastated because I will NOT leave my wife and hurt my kids so I'd have to turn her away. How effing horrible would that be? Work would be awkward then too.

 

3) she's flattered by my feelings and is thankful for my honesty. But, it does not change our friendship and things go on as they are. Somehow, me telling her gets it off my chest and my feelings of crazy love for her slowly subside and I can have my life back to normal. This is the BEST of the the outcomes but it is also the most unlikely.

 

I wish they had some type of mind wipe technology or something..... I'd gladly let them remove all of this from my brain. Just an awful thing to go through. It's consuming me at this point.

[iaa]

Are you not in love with your wife? I don't know why you can't get away from a woman who is tempting you, even if she doesn't know it. You should stay away from her for your family's sake, or else I'd say you are being kind of selfish. I understand you are only human, though.

[Mr. Lizard]

Are you not in love with your wife? I don't know why you can't get away from a woman who is tempting you, even if she doesn't know it. You should stay away from her for your family's sake, or else I'd say you are being kind of selfish. I understand you are only human, though.

 

That's the thing. I do still love my wife but she also frustrates me with some things. I think I've made it clear that I have no interest in pursuing this and am more interested is getting rid of my damned feelings towards my female friend. I want her in my life though. Guess I want the best of both world: maintain good relationship with wife while having the emotionally fruitful relationship with friend. Just as friends though.

[todreaminblue]

That's the thing. I do still love my wife but she also frustrates me with some things. I think I've made it clear that I have no interest in pursuing this and am more interested is getting rid of my damned feelings towards my female friend. I want her in my life though. Guess I want the best of both world: maintain good relationship with wife while having the emotionally fruitful relationship with friend. Just as friends though.

 

when you love someone as you should love your wife that friendship is going to have to be sacrificed......it isnt fair on you to be lusting after your friend....and it isnt fair on her and it isnt fair on your wife at all....someone is really going to hurt...dont think it wont come out in some way shape or form(with frustration fro ytrou wife for example) it will coem out negatively, everything always does that is why i always tell........professional therapy would really help you.....deb

[imtooconfused]

todreaminblue, while I agree with everything you say, I take issue with the supposition that the OP chooses to 'lust' after his friend. I can see (through my own personal experiences) that he does not choose to be attracted to his friend, and in all likelihood did not even initiate the friendship. The heart chooses what it chooses and the mind is merely a passenger. I have a supreme amount of sympathy for the OP. Individual therapy would help, but this therapy would reveal that which is already clear to me, that this man is missing something in his life that is not being met in his marriage (and it most certainly has nothing to do with sex).

 

The OP has now found himself in an unwinnable situation, a Cornelian Dilemma, a Kobayashi Maru where any direction that he goes will lead to a large amount of pain. The only way to avoid hurting others is keep his feelings a complete and total secret and accept all the pain for himself.

[LilySun]

I agree with getting therapy. You obviously can't discuss this with your wife, and not with your friend since you work together. You have to get over this on your own and learn to maintain her friendship this way.

 

But I suggest trying to more focus on your wife, and the reasons why you love HER and reasons why you are lucky to have her. Try to take that emotional energy you have for your friend and direct it towards your wife instead. But, if you feel you are no longer in love with her or happy, that alone needs to be addressed as a totally seperate issue from your friendship. And as someone mentioned, its an emotional affair you are having, and that is considered cheating to most people. So I think it's your wife you need to focus on more than your friend if you don't want your marriage destroyed.

[Mr. Lizard]

todreaminblue, while I agree with everything you say, I take issue with the supposition that the OP chooses to 'lust' after his friend. I can see (through my own personal experiences) that he does not choose to be attracted to his friend, and in all likelihood did not even initiate the friendship. The heart chooses what it chooses and the mind is merely a passenger. I have a supreme amount of sympathy for the OP. Individual therapy would help, but this therapy would reveal that which is already clear to me, that this man is missing something in his life that is not being met in his marriage (and it most certainly has nothing to do with sex).

 

The OP has now found himself in an unwinnable situation, a Cornelian Dilemma, a Kobayashi Maru where any direction that he goes will lead to a large amount of pain. The only way to avoid hurting others is keep his feelings a complete and total secret and accept all the pain for himself.

 

Thank you so much for completely getting it. It's really not lust or some crazy sexual thing. Heck, I have enough respect for her as a person that I'd struggle to sleep with her anyways and would feel guilty about it. Seriously.

 

The heart does choose and I'm just along for the ride. This is a case of me hoping to find a way to make this situation end up NOT hurting anyone, me included. Having the relationship I have with her is worthwhile to me though. I just want it to be exclusive of any romantic feelings.

 

Yeah, it may unwinnable but damnit I have to try. If my strong feelings would just eventually subside then this all ends up rather happily. I get to keep the good friend and not have to be too emotionally deep with it. I also don't have to feel like I am having an emotional affair which is probably what Im having and I don't like that feeling either. Geesh...what a hassle!

 

I agree with getting therapy. You obviously can't discuss this with your wife, and not with your friend since you work together. You have to get over this on your own and learn to maintain her friendship this way.

 

But I suggest trying to more focus on your wife, and the reasons why you love HER and reasons why you are lucky to have her. Try to take that emotional energy you have for your friend and direct it towards your wife instead. But, if you feel you are no longer in love with her or happy, that alone needs to be addressed as a totally seperate issue from your friendship. And as someone mentioned, its an emotional affair you are having, and that is considered cheating to most people. So I think it's your wife you need to focus on more than your friend if you don't want your marriage destroyed.

 

Yes, me and wifey had a good weekend and it did take my mind off the friend. I am working Monday and the female friend is too so I'm sure I'll be happy to see her. I don't think that's such a bad thing though. I mean, enjoying spending time with someone that makes you feel good shouldn't feel like a crime. We do work together so we kind of have to spend time together.

 

My marriage won't be destroyed. I won't let that happen. That's why I'm here talking it out and trying to get rid of my feelings. I'm not trying to cheat and stay married or somehow be deceptive. I just want to keep this friend, she really is a good person and it's hard to find good people to enrich your life.

 

Thank you for the reply.

Edited December 22, 2013 by Mr. Lizard

[jimloveslips]

Like knowing when I'm down, checking on me, being a good listener...

 

It's called being a decent human being, it's not a love affair.

 

She's getting married in 4 months and I'm also married

 

I think you're just looking for an excuse to have your wife find out and break up with you... so you can blame her for ending the marriage.

[Dean13]

I need to get over this WITHOUT compromising the friendship.

 

Probably not going to work. If you want your marriage to work, you need to get away from this woman as much as possible. Maybe not entirely, but more than you are now, at least for a good while.

 

Figure out what this woman at work is giving you that maybe you aren't getting from your marriage and work on that. Maybe what you're missing could be a result of you not giving your wife the attention she should be getting.

 

If you fantasize about this woman, force yourself to think about your wife the same way. The feelings that you are having for her are going to effect the way you treat your wife, whether you believe it or not, your marriage will suffer.

 

Look, I'm just throwing some things against the wall here, but I had a similar problem at my work, not that long ago. I can't imagine I'm too far off base.

 

Of course, this all assumes you still love your wife and value your marriage.

[LostOne08]

Mr. Lizard,

 

You responded in my thread somewhat helpfully and we're going through very similar situations, so I thought I'd chime in with some advice.

 

It sounds like you love your wife and I'm sure your co-worker loves the man she's about to marry. I don't buy that you're intentionally harboring these feelings so that you can break them up or break up your own marriage like some other people are suggesting. This is just a case, like mine, where you feel into a strong connection with someone else. I think that you're like me in that it's hard to separate those feelings from genuine love and affection. The way you feel about your friendship with her is very similar to love. I think that's something you have to keep in mind. Surely you don't feel the same way about her that you do about your wife? Try to keep those separate but similar feelings in mind.

 

I hope you don't mind my asking, but how are you going to feel when she does get married? I'm sure you'll feel some sort of unhappiness, but is it going to be completely intolerable? If so, you might have more feelings for her than you should and that's a completely different situation. I know that in my own situation, after I stopped working with my friend, my feelings were a lot easier to manage. Then we started hanging out a little bit more and it has become harder and harder for me not to continue to have strong feelings for her. Plus, the way that we interact with each other and comments others have made make it seem like feelings are there on one or both ends and it makes the situation that much more harder to deal with. Her best friend (who initially suggested that we get together and then completely backpedaled from that for reasons I still don't understand) recently asked me how I would feel if she were to start talking to someone else. This is a situation we both have dealt with before (she was dating other people and so was I) and it was manageable then, I kept my feelings out of it for the most part because we still worked together. If it happened at this point, I know I would be in worse shape to deal with it than I was in the past. That's what lets me know this is a problematic situation for me.

[Christ is Love]

Don't get into anything physical with your coworker it might end your friendship. I was actually in a very similar situation. One of my coworkers had been liking me for years and he finally told me. I told him that we could hang out sometime but the hanging out never materialized because he had a long time girlfriend and kids and it was strictly business after he revealed his true feelings.

[Mr. Lizard]

Probably not going to work. If you want your marriage to work, you need to get away from this woman as much as possible. Maybe not entirely, but more than you are now, at least for a good while.

 

Figure out what this woman at work is giving you that maybe you aren't getting from your marriage and work on that. Maybe what you're missing could be a result of you not giving your wife the attention she should be getting.

 

If you fantasize about this woman, force yourself to think about your wife the same way. The feelings that you are having for her are going to effect the way you treat your wife, whether you believe it or not, your marriage will suffer.

 

Look, I'm just throwing some things against the wall here, but I had a similar problem at my work, not that long ago. I can't imagine I'm too far off base.

 

Of course, this all assumes you still love your wife and value your marriage.

 

She certainly does fill some void for me but it's not physical or anything like that. She's fun. She's easy going. She makes me laugh. We simply get along. And, she has been a good listener when I needed that. Hard to find people you can lean on when you truly have to. I place a high value on such things.

 

Nothing more to it than that. I do value my wife's relationship and as I've stated numerous times, I'd never hurt her or leave her. I believe I can make this work. Me and the wifey do have to work on some things and we've been doing OK lately. One day at a time.

 

Mr. Lizard,

 

You responded in my thread somewhat helpfully and we're going through very similar situations, so I thought I'd chime in with some advice.

 

It sounds like you love your wife and I'm sure your co-worker loves the man she's about to marry. I don't buy that you're intentionally harboring these feelings so that you can break them up or break up your own marriage like some other people are suggesting. This is just a case, like mine, where you feel into a strong connection with someone else. I think that you're like me in that it's hard to separate those feelings from genuine love and affection. The way you feel about your friendship with her is very similar to love. I think that's something you have to keep in mind. Surely you don't feel the same way about her that you do about your wife? Try to keep those separate but similar feelings in mind.

 

I hope you don't mind my asking, but how are you going to feel when she does get married? I'm sure you'll feel some sort of unhappiness, but is it going to be completely intolerable? If so, you might have more feelings for her than you should and that's a completely different situation. I know that in my own situation, after I stopped working with my friend, my feelings were a lot easier to manage. Then we started hanging out a little bit more and it has become harder and harder for me not to continue to have strong feelings for her. Plus, the way that we interact with each other and comments others have made make it seem like feelings are there on one or both ends and it makes the situation that much more harder to deal with. Her best friend (who initially suggested that we get together and then completely backpedaled from that for reasons I still don't understand) recently asked me how I would feel if she were to start talking to someone else. This is a situation we both have dealt with before (she was dating other people and so was I) and it was manageable then, I kept my feelings out of it for the most part because we still worked together. If it happened at this point, I know I would be in worse shape to deal with it than I was in the past. That's what lets me know this is a problematic situation for me.

 

You hit the nail on the head with the strong connection comment. Thats really what it is. We just have something. We get where each other are coming from and always seem to be in tune with what the other person is feeling. We both listen to each other and provide an outlet to vent about things. We make each other laugh and all that stuff. It was hard at first to separate the feelings between real love and just a closeness but it's more clear now. I don't even think I'm in love with my friend. Yet, I DO love her per say. It's nutty!

 

Interestingly, me and my wife are invited to their wedding which makes sense since I am a good friend of hers. Honestly, I don't know how I'll feel on the actual wedding day but it really doesn't bother me knowing she's taken or whatever. You'd think it would bother me but so far that's not the case. I don't feel any jealousy at all although her spouse is much less attractive than she is and they don't "look" like a couple that would be together but that's not a big deal. She was abused in her first marriage and I'm just glad this guy is more of a gentle nerd type who will likely treat her good. She does complain about him sometimes but we all do that, right?

 

So, in your situation, once contact was broken you found your feelings starting to get weaker? Damnit, that figures. I was hoping to have these extra feelings go away on their own at some point. It's almost like I need a two month break from her to clear my head and feelings but then be able to have our friendship back afterwards. Yeah, I still want the best of both worlds.....

 

Thanks so much for everyone's replies.

[Dean13]

She certainly does fill some void for me but it's not physical or anything like that. She's fun. She's easy going. She makes me laugh. We simply get along. And, she has been a good listener when I needed that. Hard to find people you can lean on when you truly have to. I place a high value on such things.

 

Nothing more to it than that. I do value my wife's relationship and as I've stated numerous times, I'd never hurt her or leave her.

 

That doesn't really mesh with this below from your original post.

 

Ive been in love with her for a while and still am.

 

If you are in love with her, you are hurting your relationship with your wife.

 

She certainly does fill some void for me but it's not physical or anything like that. She's fun. She's easy going. She makes me laugh. We simply get along. And, she has been a good listener when I needed that. Hard to find people you can lean on when you truly have to.

 

How about your wife?

[LostOne08]

 

So, in your situation, once contact was broken you found your feelings starting to get weaker? Damnit, that figures. I was hoping to have these extra feelings go away on their own at some point. It's almost like I need a two month break from her to clear my head and feelings but then be able to have our friendship back afterwards. Yeah, I still want the best of both worlds.....

 

 

Initially yes, not being around her everyday sort of loosened the feelings I had for her. My situation is a little bit different than yours, though. I was extremely physically attracted to this woman when we first met, but largely forgot about it because we were seeing other people. Then, when we got out of relationships and started talking more and more each day, I found out how similar we were and how we "got" each other and "clicked". That's when I started having really strong feelings for her. I kept those at bay for as long as I could before I just couldn't fight them anymore. I had a short term relationship that ended and so did she, and around that time is when her and I stopped working together. I thought it would be a blessing in disguise, but not seeing her everyday kind of sucked.

 

To answer your question, though, yeah it helped at first. We kept in contact and then she got me to thinking about her again. Then we started hanging out again more and more and my feelings not only came back but got stronger and stronger. Then, her friend suggested that I make a move on her and then I REALLY started to give in to everything. Now that her friend has reversed feelings on that, I don't know what to do. Like I said, my situation is a little different from yours because I have feelings for this woman and I'm reasonably sure they can be differentiated from strong feelings of friendship. The more I hear about you and your struggles, it sounds like you really do love your wife and you recognize that you don't have romantic feelings for this woman. I think the more that you can separate "love" and "friendship" in this instance, the easier it will be to process everything for you and you can have a healthy relationship with this woman. Again, I'm assuming there's no romantic feelings there it was just the confusion of not being able to disassociate friendship and love. I don't know that a break from the friendship would be the cure here, but if you think it would help you should go for it. I just know in my particular case (and again, it's different because of the feelings I have) that "absence made the heart grow fonder" after awhile. I found myself missing her a lot and when we started hanging out again, my feelings got stronger.

[Mr. Lizard]

Don't get into anything physical with your coworker it might end your friendship. I was actually in a very similar situation. One of my coworkers had been liking me for years and he finally told me. I told him that we could hang out sometime but the hanging out never materialized because he had a long time girlfriend and kids and it was strictly business after he revealed his true feelings.

 

Nope - I don't plan on ever telling her or moving on my feelings because the last thing I want is for her and I to have animosity towards one another. Not only will that just suck but we still have to work together and shes my immediate supervisor so it would be extremely awkward to ay the least!

[Mr. Lizard]

That doesn't really mesh with this below from your original post.

 

If you are in love with her, you are hurting your relationship with your wife.

 

How about your wife?

 

 

No, its doesn't mesh. That's why its driving me crazy - its not "love" like the traditional head over heels physical attraction thing. Its the comfort she brings and the fact that we seem to "get" one another so well. This is an area my wife and I struggle with and have plenty of issues where we simply don't see eye to eye. Hence, Im getting this somewhere else. That's whats going on here.

 

 

As for me being able to lean on the wife? I can and have but NOT when its about her and I and our struggles. That's when you need to go outside to get a good talking partner. You'll get better objective advice which my female friend has.

 

 

Don't get into anything physical with your coworker it might end your friendship. I was actually in a very similar situation. One of my coworkers had been liking me for years and he finally told me. I told him that we could hang out sometime but the hanging out never materialized because he had a long time girlfriend and kids and it was strictly business after he revealed his true feelings.

 

Nope - I don't plan on ever telling her or moving on my feelings because the last thing I want is for her and I to have animosity towards one another. Not only will that just suck but we still have to work together and shes my immediate supervisor so it would be extremely awkward to ay the least!

 

 

Initially yes, not being around her everyday sort of loosened the feelings I had for her. My situation is a little bit different than yours, though. I was extremely physically attracted to this woman when we first met, but largely forgot about it because we were seeing other people. Then, when we got out of relationships and started talking more and more each day, I found out how similar we were and how we "got" each other and "clicked". That's when I started having really strong feelings for her. I kept those at bay for as long as I could before I just couldn't fight them anymore. I had a short term relationship that ended and so did she, and around that time is when her and I stopped working together. I thought it would be a blessing in disguise, but not seeing her everyday kind of sucked.

 

To answer your question, though, yeah it helped at first. We kept in contact and then she got me to thinking about her again. Then we started hanging out again more and more and my feelings not only came back but got stronger and stronger. Then, her friend suggested that I make a move on her and then I REALLY started to give in to everything. Now that her friend has reversed feelings on that, I don't know what to do. Like I said, my situation is a little different from yours because I have feelings for this woman and I'm reasonably sure they can be differentiated from strong feelings of friendship. The more I hear about you and your struggles, it sounds like you really do love your wife and you recognize that you don't have romantic feelings for this woman. I think the more that you can separate "love" and "friendship" in this instance, the easier it will be to process everything for you and you can have a healthy relationship with this woman. Again, I'm assuming there's no romantic feelings there it was just the confusion of not being able to disassociate friendship and love. I don't know that a break from the friendship would be the cure here, but if you think it would help you should go for it. I just know in my particular case (and again, it's different because of the feelings I have) that "absence made the heart grow fonder" after awhile. I found myself missing her a lot and when we started hanging out again, my feelings got stronger.

 

 

Got it. Seems like no contact does help at first but as you said, not seeing her at all sucked and that's what Im afraid of. She seems to be a stabilizing force in my life right now and I need that. No pressure, no judging, just a person to have some fun with and share some positive times with. It seems harmless but its fair to call it an emotional affair since Im being made to feel good by another woman. Just not physical at all.

 

 

It sounds though that eventually you simply missed her a lot and the "absence makes the heart grow fonder" thing would apply to me too. I just cant see my life being that great with her totally out of it. Ugh! I soooooo want her and I to able to have a normal, friendly relationship without the baggage of me feeling whatever Im feeling towards her. At least wifey and I had a decent holiday and I haven't thought about my friend over the last few days which is great. I DID text her this morning just to see how Xmas went and we exchanged some banter but that was it.

 

 

Hey - if this was easy none of us would be here, would we? Thanks again for your comments!

Edited December 26, 2013 by Mr. Lizard

[Dean13]

As for me being able to lean on the wife? I can and have but NOT when its about her and I and our struggles. That's when you need to go outside to get a good talking partner. You'll get better objective advice which my female friend has.

 

If you really want to get over this feeling you have with the woman at work, and make your marriage stronger. I don't think talking with this woman about issues in your marriage is the way to go. You are bonding with her while you discuss things that bother you about your wife. She listens and sympathizes, then you go home to your wife and the issues in your marriage, of course you will develop strong feelings for her. It's just not a good idea.

 

Is your wife aware that you are having these discussions with a woman at work? I know my wife would flip out, and I wouldn't blame her.

 

You actually SHOULD be talking to your wife about issues you have in the marriage, how else will they get better? If it's something that you feel is so sensitive that you can't talk to her, try a male friend, or a counselor, anyone else.

 

What you say about wanting to just be friends with her, it sounds great, and I'm sure it's possible, but for some people it just isn't, especially when you are having problems within your marriage. The more you talk to her about these things, the more you will bond with her, and the deeper you'll get.

 

You should get away from her for awhile, just to figure out if your marriage issues can be fixed, because as long as you have these feelings of being "in love" with her, they'll never get fixed.