Should I tell my BS that my AP broke NC?

[ian1966]

I think most of you would say "Yes", however please consider

 

- A has been over well and truly for 7 mths

- have had complete NC up until the brief call

- BS and I have reconciled quite well (yes, I know 7mths is not long enough to say "reconciled" but she is happy, never a mention of A, we went through all the stages (7) and she has complete trust in me, I showed extreme remorse and have / am fulfilling all the requirements for successful R)

- The call from AP (who is married and is also reconciling with her BS so she says) was just a "Hi how are you? Merry Xmas" with NO plans made or emotional talk.

- If I do tell my BS will likely flip out and think something is being planned, which will definately re-ignite triggers and could threaten our R....

 

So, do I tell?

[AlwaysGrowing]

The affair was based on/conducted by keeping communication between your AP a secret.

 

If you truly want to R fully. No more secrets.

 

The fact you took the call is not good. The fact you didn't immediately hang up once you knew who it was...is not good. The fact you are unsure if you should share this...again...not good.

 

 

Also wanted to add...make no mistake about it...this was a fishing expedition..for both your AP and you.

[Artie Lang]

seems like you're doing well in reconciliation..... why screw it up by omitting this piece of information?

 

NO MORE SECRETS!

[ian1966]

.. but things have been so great between my BS and I of late...

 

if I tell she really will ignite big time... the call really was harmless I thought. I dont have her number anymore, it came in on a private number, literally just a few sentences...

 

I know, I'm making excuses, right?

 

I just cant balance the harm / consequences in this case. My BS will really go off..

 

No fishing, really there wasn't. One brief call in 7 mths of silence... Can't I just let this one slip? Its christmas after all, she just wanted to know if I was OK, and I must admit I was a little curious if she had R also. Which she had, and I'm thankful for that as if she was D or separated I would feel a little more nervous (that she might pursue me - not that I would ever consider reaching out to her, I have worked far to hard to R with my BS to blow it for her...)

 

You don't know my BS, she could absolutely flip and throw me out if she even heard that AP had even called me AND I had hung up right away, as she probably would NOT BELIEVE ME.

 

Still say yes?

[whichwayisup]

I think most of you would say "Yes", however please consider

 

- A has been over well and truly for 7 mths

- have had complete NC up until the brief call

- BS and I have reconciled quite well (yes, I know 7mths is not long enough to say "reconciled" but she is happy, never a mention of A, we went through all the stages (7) and she has complete trust in me, I showed extreme remorse and have / am fulfilling all the requirements for successful R)

- The call from AP (who is married and is also reconciling with her BS so she says) was just a "Hi how are you? Merry Xmas" with NO plans made or emotional talk.

- If I do tell my BS will likely flip out and think something is being planned, which will definately re-ignite triggers and could threaten our R....

 

So, do I tell?

 

Yes you tell. No reason not to. You say she has complete trust in you, then this should really be a no-brainer! TELL your wife the truth. If you don't and she finds out by accident on her own, you're dead meat! That's omitting and hiding in her eyes which in turn WILL make her suspicious and mistrustful of you all over again.

 

I hope you hung up on your xAP, telling her never to call you again.

 

If you don't tell your wife, you're making a bad choice.

[Artie Lang]

puuulease..... this was a fishing attempt on her part.

 

if you tell her, this will only cement her trust in you.

[ian1966]

might I add that my BS has complete trust in me that I would never do such a thing (have an A) again, but telling her that the AP called would strain things and more importantly become the new topic of conversation for the next n months, which would seem like a real setback in our R.

[whichwayisup]

.. but things have been so great between my BS and I of late...

 

if I tell she really will ignite big time... the call really was harmless I thought. I dont have her number anymore, it came in on a private number, literally just a few sentences...

 

I know, I'm making excuses, right?

 

I just cant balance the harm / consequences in this case. My BS will really go off..

 

No fishing, really there wasn't. One brief call in 7 mths of silence... Can't I just let this one slip? Its christmas after all, she just wanted to know if I was OK, and I must admit I was a little curious if she had R also. Which she had, and I'm thankful for that as if she was D or separated I would feel a little more nervous (that she might pursue me - not that I would ever consider reaching out to her, I have worked far to hard to R with my BS to blow it for her...)

 

You don't know my BS, she could absolutely flip and throw me out if she even heard that AP had even called me AND I had hung up right away, as she probably would NOT BELIEVE ME.

 

Still say yes?

 

You're not getting it and neither is your exAP. NO CONTACT. PERIOD! ANY contact IS harmful.

 

Yes, tell your wife. You're screwed more if you don't. I'd rather hear you told her the truth and said that you told your exAP NEVER to call again.

 

Let me ask, did she call your cell or home number? If it's your cell, change your number or find out if you can block her.

 

A suggestion, tell your wife "let's call xAP's BS and let him know that she called to wish me a merry christmas and he needs to know that she is reaching out again." Make it clear to your wife that you love ONLY her and you have no intention of starting the affair again.

 

My suggestion directly to you? Look at exAP as a CANCER, a disease to your marriage. ANY contact is bad. And, in your heart, CUT her out. Learn not to care. I know that's harsh and you probably have fond memories of her, but if you want to reconnect and totally give your heart to your wife, xOW cannot exist anymore.

[ian1966]

Hey Artie, why are you so convinced it was a fishing attempt?

Its been 7 months, it was just a simple "How are you" type call.

Maybe I'm naive. But I WILL NOT fall back into an A again. No F***G way.

[whichwayisup]

might I add that my BS has complete trust in me that I would never do such a thing (have an A) again, but telling her that the AP called would strain things and more importantly become the new topic of conversation for the next n months, which would seem like a real setback in our R.

 

Man UP and stop being so afraid. You take control here. Tell your wife, I have something to tell you, but it's not as bad as you may think. exAP called to wish me a merry christmas. I told her not to call again and to leave me alone.

 

I wanted to let you know I have nothing to hide and that I love you.

 

If you hide this from your wife, it's the beginning of the bad slope and you'll be telling yourself it's okay to hear from exAP once in a while just to touch base. This is JUST as much for you as it is for your wife. Setting STRONG boundaries and lines.

 

You should be pissed at exAP for calling you. Instead, you were intrigued.

 

How long did you talk to her for? did you wish her a merry xmas as well? Ask her questions? If you did, shame on you because that's taking interest in her when she is supposed to be GONE from your life. Sorry that my words are harsh, you just need a wake up call before you make a horrible mistake. Again.

[Journee]

might I add that my BS has complete trust in me that I would never do such a thing (have an A) again, but telling her that the AP called would strain things and more importantly become the new topic of conversation for the next n months, which would seem like a real setback in our R.

 

 

 

I would want to know. Not so I could punish my H but so I would have another opportunity to feel safe with him. That he would choose honesty over the easy route.

 

What did you say to the OW? Was it a pleasant exchange on your end? I feel both BS should know honestly.

 

 

Please don't try to decide what your wife can and cannot handle. Have the faith in her that you want her to have in you.

[Artie Lang]

dude..... SERIOUSLY???

 

if it's over, there is no reason she should be contacting you, especially 7 months out- NO REASON WHATSOEVER!

[whichwayisup]

Hey Artie, why are you so convinced it was a fishing attempt?

Its been 7 months, it was just a simple "How are you" type call.

Maybe I'm naive. But I WILL NOT fall back into an A again. No F***G way.

 

Yes you're naive. It was NOT a simple how are you. She has some balls to even call you to begin with. She was seeing your reaction, how you'd respond to her..whether it was an ego feed, or she just wanted to hear your voice, it's done damage. Trust me, there will be another call in the New Year.. UNLESS you told her to NOT ever call you again and you were blunt with her. Please tell me you didn't get all soft and tell her something like you missed her....

 

NC is forever with your xAP.

[Journee]

Hey Artie, why are you so convinced it was a fishing attempt?

Its been 7 months, it was just a simple "How are you" type call.

Maybe I'm naive. But I WILL NOT fall back into an A again. No F***G way.

 

 

There is nothing simple about broken NC. It is incredibly disrespectful and undermines everything you have attempted to heal with your wife. It's your job to protect your marriage.

 

If your wife were to do these same things... would you want to know? Would you want to know if the man she had strayed with was reaching out to her? If she was exchanging niceties with him?

[ian1966]

Sh*t. Yep I've done wrong, i can see it now it all makes sense, thanks.

 

No, I did not tell her to never call again.

She rang my work number (which does not show incoming call numbers so I did not know it was her)

I wished her a merry christmas and said I was glad her and her H were OK.

So now I've gone too far it seems... Damned if I do, damned if I dont type situation.

If I tell my BS the truth now she no doubt will be FURIOUS.

 

If I say nothing it will all go away... (I hope)

 

Look, I know most of you are BS's, can any WS chip in with a comment?

 

I have never broken NC in any way.

[Artie Lang]

i hope you hung up on her.

 

me thinks there might've been some pleasantries exchanged, that's why you're reluctant to tell.

[thummper]

Pretend you're Sergeant Schultz on the old "Hogan's Heroes" television show.. Say, "NUTHING......NUTHING!!!!" [Man, if that doesn't show my age, nothing will! :-) ] Seriously, I usually would say honesty above all else, but in this case I believe telling her about this unwelcome call would only infuriate her and lead to possible marriage-ending recriminations. If you know in your heart that your wife will blow a gasket about this, forget it! This is not something you initiated and never sought. I believe it's too risky. Love your wife and care for her. Never for one minute let her think that someone else is more important than she is or that you're purposely doing something sneaky behind her back. Forget your AP's little fishing expedition. If you can, block that number so she can't call you again FOR ANY REASON!!!!!!!

[painfullyobvious]

Why did you take the call or was it a landline? I agree no more secrets. Your spouse should be monitoring you. What if she finds out you kept this a secret? Your seven months is gone! This is how my reconciliation failed. More cover-ups, more lies and move meetings and I finally had enough. Tell her!!!

[ian1966]

Thanks thumper.. thats exactly it. TOO RISKY.

And Artie, NO pleasantries were exchanged - it was all rather matter-of-fact.

Its a landline with no caller ID. So I had no idea who it was, even when she spoke I had to ask who it was....

 

The risk of this turning into a disaster by trying to be the honest good guy is just so high that I just dont think its worth it. Maybe on a personal level all you BS's believe in principal that YOU would want to know, that YOU know how YOU would react with glee at the honesty of your WS, but hell, mine sure as hell wont. I 've known her a very, very long time.

 

Still tell?

Edited December 20, 2013 by ian1966

[Artie Lang]

you seem to be on the right path. don't blow it by keeping this under wraps.

 

 

Journee made some excellent points. Read them again.

[ian1966]

Even if I HAD just hung up on her, then told my W about it... she would have gotten upset, probably not believed me, rung my xAP's H and just re-ignited the whole thing. Seriously, drama we (my W and I) could really do without right now (also being Xmas)... No I know it should not be my call, but I am only looking for the greater goos for W and I, not a huge storm on the horizon.

[happy stillmore]

You say your wife has full trust in you. It should not be a problem to tell her the truth. If you are reconciling, then be honest. You are all adults. As adults, we can choose to make decisions. We can choose to be honest. To be honest with everyone. Your wife, the xAP, yourself. If you are in love with your wife, then a call from XAP should not be a threat. Perhaps, xAP has put the A behind her and was sincerely asking how you were. XAP does not have a power over you. You make the decisions in your life. Seriously, even if she was "fishing", you would choose to be honest with AP and tell her the truth (you love your wife and are committed to your marriage). At least, treat AP with some respect. She is a person, not a cancer. She is only a cancer to your marriage if you allow it. If your love for your wife is 100% genuine and your wife trusts you, then what is the problem?

 

As you chose to be in the A, you can choose to be in your marriage. To be fully in your marriage, you need to be honest with your wife. I would tell her.

[whichwayisup]

Sh*t. Yep I've done wrong, i can see it now it all makes sense, thanks.

 

No, I did not tell her to never call again.

She rang my work number (which does not show incoming call numbers so I did not know it was her)

I wished her a merry christmas and said I was glad her and her H were OK.

So now I've gone too far it seems... Damned if I do, damned if I dont type situation.

If I tell my BS the truth now she no doubt will be FURIOUS.

 

If I say nothing it will all go away... (I hope)

 

Look, I know most of you are BS's, can any WS chip in with a comment?

 

I have never broken NC in any way.

 

Well, you broke NC by having a conversation with her and NOT telling her off, to never call you again. This is why I mentioned boundaries. You don't have any! Get them.

 

You're gonna do what you're gonna do and it seems your mind is made up not to tell your wife. Fine. BUT, if she finds out on her own (I mean, what if xAP tells HER husband, confesses or HE finds out on his own, he could call YOUR wife and tell her there was contact) it'll be worse.

 

Did you and your wife ever do marriage counseling? IF so, this is the place to come clean, with the guidance and help of the counselor.

[happy stillmore]

Thumper,

 

" Never for one minute let her think that someone else is more important than she is or that you're purposely doing something sneaky behind her back. Forget your AP's little fishing expedition"

 

You contradicted yourself. You say OP should say nothing yet he shouldn't do anything purposely sneaky. Isn't NOT telling his wife purposely doing something sneaky?

 

Someone said your wife should be monitoring you. Really? Is that really how you want to live your life? Under your wife's watchful eye? Is OP that weak where he can not control himself that he would need to be monitored?

 

Another asked whether OP went soft and said OP missed her. Why would telling AP his real feelings (whatever they are - love for his wife, love for the AP) mean he went soft? If OP loves his wife completely, he wouldn't say anything otherwise.

[anne1707]

You wanted to hear from a fWS? Well here goes....

 

If you really think that you should not tell your wife then you might as well just pick up that phone now, call the AP and resume your affair because that is where this is heading.

 

You have just tried to excuse really sh*tty behaviour throughout this whole thread just so you can protect your ar$e. It was so blatantly a fishing trip from the AP and somewhere a part of you likes that -its nice for you to have a bit of cake again, isn't it.

 

You say you and your wife are reconciled after just 7 months and that you now don't talk of the affair? Well thats 2 more things to worry about there. It takes 2 to 5 years to reconcile, not a few months and if you are not talking about the affair at times still then I doubt all issues have been resolved.

 

The fact that you took this call, shared pleasantries with your AP and have continued to lie to your wife about this just shows how wrong you are to say you are reconciled. You have not even got a fundamental principle like honesty right yet.

 

Stop protecting yourself and start protecting your marriage. Tell your wife the truth.