Should I tell my BS that my AP broke NC?

[happy stillmore]

[When asked whether NC was formally established with your AP, your reply:

 

B][/b]

Good question. Actually I don't know. From my side I learnt it all through LS, explained it to my W and she understood, to which I promised that I would never contact xAP by any means. This I have held true to.

 

xAP said she went through MC with her BH, so wouldn't that have established that from their side? i.e, surely MC would make that requirement clear, wouldn't it? I honestly dont know, but I would have thought that to be the case.

 

But now you claim you sent her a NC letter.

 

Your story changes a lot. I'm done. Good luck with your R.

Edited December 24, 2013 by happy stillmore

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Yeah it all doesn't fit together very well.

 

Let me tell you, had you done that to me I wouldn't be calling you months later to find out how you were.

[ian1966]

Happy, you think your so smart linking to earlier threads... well try improving your comprehension skills.

 

I said there was an NC letter sent IN THE FIRST INSTANCE. The A however continued for a short time (EA only, no PA after NC letter) . Then W found out and D-Day arrived. No NC letter on this 'final termination' but a call to Ap's H. Then calls between my BS and AP's BS.

 

Get it yet????

 

I'm done too. Dont bother responding, you are so biased and looking for inconsistencies you cant see the forest for the trees.

 

Thanks and goodnight.

[sweet_pea]

Could he mean that he sent an NC letter after the first DDay? And after the second DDay he did not? It is kind of confusing.

 

Also, are you guys upset that he told xAP's BS? Did you think he owed xAP some kind of loyalty? Whether or not his intentions were correct, at least he told.

 

Now...back to the thread... Ian, please tell your wife about the contact! It will build trust more than break it, if you are honest (!!!), yes she may be upset but she will see you being transparent and willing to tell the truth.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

There are too many inconsistencies. His earlier threads don't make any sense and the timelines aren't jiving, but whatever.

 

I don't care that he called the AP's husband, but what I said was had I been his ap and he had done that to me, I would not be calling him 7 months later to say hi how are you doing. This makes no sense to me.

 

Anyway, I agree, the point is he needs to tell her wife.

Edited December 24, 2013 by lilmisscantbewrong

[anne1707]

OP

 

If you really see this phone call as not a fishing trip and no threat at all then far from that being a reason not to tell your wife, it instead is something you should very easily be able to tell your wife about straight away. Why all this heartache over nothing?

 

You have also not addressed concerns raised by several posters that you are not as reconciled as you would like to think. Hiding the truth from your wife does not suggest fully reconciled. Neither does the lack of talk about the affair.

Edited December 24, 2013 by anne1707

[happy stillmore]

I'm sorry all. I normally don't attack people but the first step in fixing any problem is honesty. To fix a marriage after an A, the WS has to be honest. Almost to the point of ad nauseam. "I'm going to the store. I will be back in 20 minutes." The WS returns in 20 minutes. Actions have to support your words. Every action has to be so incredibly transparent that no other conclusion could be made.

 

In this situation, OP's dilemma is whether to tell his BS the AP called him. 99% responders advised OP to tell BS. Yet, OP didn't. (He says he will after Christmas) It seemed blatantly obvious to all that in order to be fully R, keeping this secret even for one hour, one day, is not the right thing to do. His behavior of deception continues suggesting he is still not thinking of his BS. It still is all about OP and what he wants, not his BS. Exactly what A are made of: selfishness. OP doesn't want to ruffle his wife's feathers and is afraid is wife will not understand why he had a cordial conversation. He is keeping this from BS to save himself aggravation and not be thrown out. Reality is if OP had simply told AP to not call in respect for his attempt at R with his wife and then told BS of the conversation, BS would have been comforted. OP would have gained trust.

 

Loveshack is a forum where people are seeking advice. In order to give the best correct, all information, without distortions, must be provided in order to see the whole picture. In this case, the answer seemed blatantly obvious (be honest, tell wife) yet OP couldn't do it. This suggests there is more to the story. If you want true advice, give us all of the information even if you have to get real with yourself and realize you f#!$ up. It is hard to do but in order to become a better person, you have to accept your faults and change.

 

If you read my posts, the common theme I have is to live an authentic and honest life. I was a MOW and I fully accept I was not a good person to do what I did. I was deceitful and a liar. I regret keeping lies from my H. I should have been honest and ended my M before entering the A. I was selfish and concerned about only about me. Although being honest and admitting the truth (example, you don't love someone as you should) is difficult, no-one wants to hurt anyone so they lie. It really is treating the other person with respect when you are painfully honest.

 

I hope the OP can see the big picture. I hope he learns to be openly honest with his wife. No more lies. No more withholding things. It is the only way to have a real marriage. OP needs to put his BS' needs ahead of his own selfish desire of making life easier for him. Let's get real with our life.

[Mr. Lucky]

You don't know my BS, she could absolutely flip and throw me out if she even heard that AP had even called me AND I had hung up right away, as she probably would NOT BELIEVE ME.

I wonder why she wouldn't believe you ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[whichwayisup]

Your wife is going to find out on own her and accuse you of something more. This sucks because right now you have the opportunity to prove to your wife that you will NEVER hide anything from her again. Actions speak louder than words... Especially since your A was busted and then you two restarted your A again and you got busted..Again. The trust your wife has in you now has been built since you and your xAP went NC. NC was broken by xAP - Not you. But, if you don't tell your wife and she finds out about the NC broken, of course this is going to be worse than telling her the truth now. You don't understand that but I don't think you want to understand because it'll be some hard work to fix this little bump with your wife, so you'd rather lie and hide (OMIT this) the phone call so it's easier for you in the long run at home.

 

We know you're not going to tell your wife....you decided that from your first post here, your mind was made up.

 

Make the decision and OWN it when the truth comes out.

 

Oh and you're fooling yourself if you believe your exAP wasn't fishing. Naive. Sorry.

[tired girl]

Ian,

 

Why do you need to believe your AP wasn't fishing?

 

Decide what kind of man you want to be and be that man. Right now you are still stuck so far in cover your ass mode that you are not being a stand up guy. Figure out how to be honest and authentic at some point. This kind of conflict avoidance is not appealing.

[krazikat]

Thumper,

 

" Never for one minute let her think that someone else is more important than she is or that you're purposely doing something sneaky behind her back. Forget your AP's little fishing expedition"

 

You contradicted yourself. You say OP should say nothing yet he shouldn't do anything purposely sneaky. Isn't NOT telling his wife purposely doing something sneaky?

 

Someone said your wife should be monitoring you. Really? Is that really how you want to live your life? Under your wife's watchful eye? Is OP that weak where he can not control himself that he would need to be monitored?

 

Another asked whether OP went soft and said OP missed her. Why would telling AP his real feelings (whatever they are - love for his wife, love for the AP) mean he went soft? If OP loves his wife completely, he wouldn't say anything otherwise.

 

Oh puleeeeeaze. Are you serious? If he has decided to stay with his wife then there is absolutly no reason for him to have any contact with his former AP at all, period. The affair is over. She is a cancer to the marriage, period, and must be fully removed for the marriage reconciliation to work. I realize that as an ow you may not understand this concept but it is fact, whether you like it or not.

 

He has no business telling former AP anything if he has chosen to stay with his wife. He made his choice, and his choice was his wife. If he wants to sweet talk with his former ap, then he needs to be honest with his wife so she can have a choice to end the marriage.

 

As for the wife monitoring his activity, she has absolutely every right to make sure her h is being honest with her. He has proven himself to be a liar and cheater. The BS will likely monitor behavior to make sure he is not lying to her again. She is not his mommy or babysitting him, she is protecting her heart.

 

It absolutely amazes me to read the ingorant comments some ow make. You really have no idea what you are talking about here, have you ever gone thru reconciliation with a spouse after discovering an affair?

 

Ian, this is something your wife needs to know.She may be upset, but likely more so at the disrespectful mow. But if she discovers this contact without you telling her, then your whole r could go up in smoke...

[rumbleseat]

Perhaps the best way to look at this sort of situation as your wife would.

 

She will be angry that the ow called. I can't say that I blame her. She will be angry if she finds out from someone other than you, and it will be seen as much worse than just the ow calling. She might well perceive it as a lie, even if it is a lie by omission.

 

It seems you still have your blinders on a bit as far as the ow is concerned. Ask yourself Why would she call you out of the blue? Are you friends? Do you work together and she had to call you for work reasons! If the answer to these is "no", then there are two alternatives that are the most likely. She either was fishing, or she wanted to hurt you , your wife and hurt your marriage.

 

Why are you letting her do this? It seems that you do have some sense that something isn't right, or else you wouldn't have asked the question in the first place.

 

Your ex ow is not your friend, she is not there to be nice to you, she is not looking out for your best interests. If she was, she never, ever would have even considered calling, as she would know the uproar it could cause and wouldn't want to hurt you like that.

[Oldspiceywolf]

I guess tomorrow's the day you come clean Ian, I hope you do. I was thinking that with your wife being so unreasonable about this why don't you put this whole situation on paper including the fear of telling her because honestly you fear of her isn't going to help your R.

Everyone suggests staying honest and you need to do it to prove to yourself you can walk the walk, if your wife decides to leave you you have to accept it as a consequence of your prior behavior, you made your be you should lie in it if you truly are remorseful for this position and not jusn trying to provide the most comfortable life for yourself.

Good luck tomorrow, I think you'll be fine, if you did nothing wrong her walk with your head held high and admit it and always remember that she acts this way either because you cheated or because that's who she is and you decided to marry her and put up with it.

[anne1707]

I guess tomorrow's the day you come clean Ian, I hope you do. I was thinking that with your wife being so unreasonable about this why don't you put this whole situation on paper including the fear of telling her because honestly you fear of her isn't going to help your R. .

 

I am sorry but I have been following this thread and I think one or 2 posters have made assumptions but there is nothing from the OP to say his wife is unreasonable.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

I think most of you would say "Yes", however please consider

 

- A has been over well and truly for 7 mths

- have had complete NC up until the brief call

- BS and I have reconciled quite well (yes, I know 7mths is not long enough to say "reconciled" but she is happy, never a mention of A, we went through all the stages (7) and she has complete trust in me, I showed extreme remorse and have / am fulfilling all the requirements for successful R)

- The call from AP (who is married and is also reconciling with her BS so she says) was just a "Hi how are you? Merry Xmas" with NO plans made or emotional talk.

- If I do tell my BS will likely flip out and think something is being planned, which will definately re-ignite triggers and could threaten our R....

 

So, do I tell?

 

 

 

I told my wife that if there was any attempt at contact I did not want her to respond at all, not delete any message, and I would want to know immediately. I emphasized IMMEDIATELY - as in call me like it is an EMERGENCY to let me know - so, if she waited a week to tell, it would make me suspicious, I probably would think that she's only telling me because she was afraid I would find out anyway. I already told her she's free to do whatever she wants, and so am I, and if she responds or doesn't tell me, and I find out, I'm out.

 

 

If she really did tell me IMMEDIATELY about OM attempting contact, did not respond, and showed me the message, it would be no big deal as far as my wife goes. I would not be upset with her at all.

[Iguanna]

I have a feeling (intuition?) that this man soon will start this affair again. He doesn't seem to have regretted about the pain he caused to his wife, as much as he says now that she is the one he loves. I guess we'll never find out.

[Oldspiceywolf]

Anne 1707

"I am sorry but I have been following this thread and I think one or 2 posters have made assumptions but there is nothing from the OP to say his wife is unreasonable."

Unreasonable was a poor choice of words, he's a cheater who is struggling at practicing honesty. What I should have said is, "if you are so fearful of your wife's reaction... Write it in a letter"

[whichwayisup]

Anne 1707

"I am sorry but I have been following this thread and I think one or 2 posters have made assumptions but there is nothing from the OP to say his wife is unreasonable."

Unreasonable was a poor choice of words, he's a cheater who is struggling at practicing honesty. What I should have said is, "if you are so fearful of your wife's reaction... Write it in a letter"

 

Or if he has the courage, he can show his wife this thread. Though doubtful he'll even do that. I keep saying it, but he made his decision not to tell, nobody here is going to convince him to tell because he doesn't have faith that his marriage will survive this bump in their recovery process.

[katielee]

he doesn't have faith that his marriage will survive this bump in their recovery process.

 

OR, it could make his marriage spontaneously combust. Whatever the result, at least he'd be living honestly, instead of tricking someone into staying married to him.

[DirectDescendant]

He doesn't seem remorseful.

He seems more worried about his comfort and the life he wants than being an honest person or good husband.

[ian1966]

I cant reply over christmas /ney year easily. (not at work)

 

I am extremely remorseful. I will NEVER reenter the affair nor ever contemplate ever entering one again.

[anne1707]

Have you told your wife about your failure to maintain NC yet?

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

This is hard for me to post because I don't like what I am about to say, but it's true in my situation.

 

 

If shortly after the affair my wife had waited a week to tell me about a break in "no contact," I would have left the marriage. Today about two years later I consider myself reconciled with my wife. As far as I know, there never was any contact since D-day. If I found out NOW that there was just one case of contact like Ian posted about right after D-day, it wouldn't be enough for me to leave my wife now, but it would have been enough for me to call everything off BACK THEN, IF my wife had waited a week to tell me about it (not if she had told me right away like I asked).

 

 

My assumption in all affairs is that there is some break in no contact after D-day. That is based on my perception of human nature over the years. Although I was not aware of it in my case, it would not be a shocker to me if I found out that it happened.

[katielee]

it makes me sick to write this but I read somewhere, in an infidelity book, that in near 100% of the cases there is a break in NC, usually initiated by the woman. ugh.

i know in my case my AP initiated contact -sort of a goodbye, closure bull crap thing, about 2 months later. I did tell my husband about it.

In his case, he is maintaining he's never communicated with either of these women again. ugh.

[Realist3]

it makes me sick to write this but I read somewhere, in an infidelity book, that in near 100% of the cases there is a break in NC, usually initiated by the woman. ugh.

i know in my case my AP initiated contact -sort of a goodbye, closure bull crap thing, about 2 months later. I did tell my husband about it.

In his case, he is maintaining he's never communicated with either of these women again. ugh.

 

 

Of course because on its face NC is a ridiculous (outside) demand on two people that are in a relationship. I understand the reasons for the demand, but that doesn't make it any less ridiculous.

 

You can go look over at the other forum and find thread after thread and post after post about how NC makes the AP pine for the other AP. It is an unnatural ending to a real relationship.