RightThere Posted December 31, 2013 Share Posted December 31, 2013 If xAP ever calls again, I'll let y'all know... Come on people, I made a mistake in my handling of the call, yes. I won't make that mistake again. The common words of a wayward. "I know I made a mistake. But IF it happens again, I promise I'll do the right thing next time." Actions are the only thing you can be judged on. Words and promises are meaningless. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ian1966 Posted January 2, 2014 Author Share Posted January 2, 2014 Hi guys and gals, happy new year! All is fantastic with my GF currently. I tell her every day how much I love her and will protect her and never hurt her again. Yes I see the hypocrisy in that in having not told her about the call (12 or so days ago), and I know its "just" a promise (actions speak louder than words, I hear you on that) but I WILL DEFINITELY give xAP the 'script' if she ever calls again. I swear that on my life. .. and I will let you know if this all turns sour .... Look, I still can't believe that MC does not detail the rules of NC to the WS. How can a couple rebuild a marriage without this crucial requirement not being spelled out? It boggles me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 Wtf? You need to be told how to do NC? Grow a set, please. Have you any idea how flippant your last post is? You really do not get how much you have messed up here, do you. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ian1966 Posted January 2, 2014 Author Share Posted January 2, 2014 You do realize I meant that xAP and her H were doing MC, not my GF and I, and that some here said that MC does not impress upon the WS (xAP in this case) the importance of NC ? I certainly do. Do I have to rehash the whole story? Link to post Share on other sites
happy stillmore Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 You are not accepting that your actions were wrong. (Not telling AP to not contact you again and not telling your wife of the call) You are NOT protecting your wife when you are lying to her. Your thought processes are confusing us all. Link to post Share on other sites
tired girl Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 All you had to do was hang up. You failed. All you had to do was tell your wife. You failed. You failed at NC as well. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 You do realize I meant that xAP and her H were doing MC, not my GF and I, and that some here said that MC does not impress upon the WS (xAP in this case) the importance of NC ? I certainly do. Do I have to rehash the whole story? No, no we heard it. "Hey I'm your ex-AP. Merry Christmas." "Yeah Merry Christmas." OH CRAP, what do I do now? My girlfriend may chop me into little pieces crap crap crap. LS, what do I do?" "Tell your wife" "Really?" "Yes, tell your gf, 15 of us who went through this give you 23586 reasons to tell your gf." "But in scared." "We understand you're scared but it's pretty damn important for 23586 reasons." "It's too risky." "It's too risky NOT to tell for 23586 reasons." "I'm still scared." (I call you a ch*cken-sh*t somewhere around here) "Okay, I going to tell I am going to DO it." Realist3 gives three unrepentant reasons not to. (Everyone argues with Realist3 for a bit) (Some more people keep responding to the OP and it looks like they didn't read the whole thread yet) (Christmas comes) (We start asking if you told) (You tell us you can't respond) "Blah blah didn't tell because blah blah chicken. Assets. Screw you guys self-righteous-dont-get-it easy-for-you I've-done-enough blah blah" "Blah blah we DO get it, YOU screwed up." (Realist mentally high-fives you which is a sign you are one step closer to having an unhealthy relationship. Congrats.) "No no it was just a stupid phone call (insert cheap NC promise here). I haven't really changed at all except I might be a lot more broke if I get caught." "No man you messed up." "Blah blah do you guys need me to rehash the whole story." NO. I just did it for you. AND I even made it sound really insulting. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ian1966 Posted January 2, 2014 Author Share Posted January 2, 2014 wow. so insightful tired girl. thanks for your advise (???) why the hell did you even post? Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 You, sir, are quite simply, a coward. Good luck with the fantastic relationship you've tricked your girlfriend into. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ian1966 Posted January 2, 2014 Author Share Posted January 2, 2014 I just want peace. My relationship with my GF is quite frankly, fantastic. She loves me. I love her. I am totally indifferent to xAP. I want xAP to stay out of our lives. She has, except for that call. I handled it badly. I promise here to handle it "correctly" if it ever recurs. I "hope" xAP calls again so I can execute my promise - and for THAT REASON ONLY. No, there is no "secret desire" to reinitiate contact. Frankly, if I ever heard xAP was dead, I wouldn't give a sh*t. I am totally indifferent. Call me callous, whatever. But xAP was just an experiment at a time when my GF and I were not even together. Only afterwards when GF actually told me she loved me and expressed her true sentiments towards me did I see the true beauty within her, and fell deeply in love with her. Would you even call that an "affair" ? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
tired girl Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 Because you had the audacity to try and imply that it was only your AP that failed to keep NC. You failed as well. In all areas. Take some responsibility at some point, this is how you end up in an affair. Just as BetrayedH said, you are a coward. Good luck with your next affair. It starts with keeping secrets with your AP. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
tired girl Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 Wow. Did you or did you not tell your GF that you would tell her of any other contact with your AP? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 I just want peace. My relationship with my GF is quite frankly, fantastic. She loves me. I love her. No, she loves who she thinks you are. But that's not who you are. Your relationship is not fantastic. It's a falsehood. I want xAP to stay out of our lives. She has, except for that call. I handled it badly. I promise here to handle it "correctly" if it ever recurs. We've heard this all before, right down to the script of what you would say. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 I just want peace. (This phrase is straight out of the Conflict-Avoidant Handbook. My Passive-aggressive mother-in-law says it ALL the time. The way to bring real peace is by being as honest as you can be with yourself and others but especially your intimate partner.) I promise (yeah, yeah) I "hope" xAP calls again so I can execute my promise -(yeah, yeah your new and improved promise. Never mind the old one. That was so 2013.) I am totally indifferent. (Big thread about a phone call from her that you are keeping a secret. You may not want to eff her, but "indifferent" isn't a honest word here.) Call me callous, whatever. ("Coward" was the word that they used. not callous.) But xAP was just an experiment at a time when my GF and I were not even together. Only afterwards when GF actually told me she loved me and expressed her true sentiments towards me did I see the true beauty within her, and fell deeply in love with her. Would you even call that an "affair" ? If it wasn't an "affair" WTF? Ian, I'm sure it's been a great trip to Denial Land, but you haven't changed the conflict-avoidance and dishonesty. Get ready. You might not "cheat" on her again but it'll keep coming out until it eats your relationship up and spits it out. She already won't be able to trust you and you are already acting untrustworthy. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 No, she loves who she thinks you are. But that's not who you are. Your relationship is not fantastic. It's a falsehood. We've heard this all before, right down to the script of what you would say. Funny, you pulled out lines too. When actions don't match words....you're effed. And not in the fun way. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 But xAP was just an experiment at a time when my GF and I were not even together Then if it wasn't an affair, and you and your GF weren't together, then why all the freaking out and worrying about telling her the truth? Seems you've re written some history and passed this off as no big deal. If that is really the case then why would you GF break up with you if she found out about the phone call. This doesn't make much sense now. Also, if you felt that strongly as in indifferent towards your exAP, why did you engage her in a nice conversation? Ask how she was and show genuine care towards her? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 Then if it wasn't an affair, and you and your GF weren't together, then why all the freaking out and worrying about telling her the truth? Seems you've re written some history and passed this off as no big deal. If that is really the case then why would you GF break up with you if she found out about the phone call. This doesn't make much sense now. Also, if you felt that strongly as in indifferent towards your exAP, why did you engage her in a nice conversation? Ask how she was and show genuine care towards her? Usually after an "experiment" I clean out the test tubes, wash the beaker and hang the lab coat up. Tell your girlfriend it was an "experiment." My husband called his cheating an "experiment" too. And trust me, I saw more theoretical data than I needed to to scar me for life. What hypothesis were you testing Ian? "I hypothesize that lying to my girlfriend and seeing a married woman will result in fun and candy for all?" Well, shoot, that hypothesis was disproven eh? Hang up the lab coat on the way out.... (I think I may need to make my 2014 New Year's Resolution to be less sarcasm and more empathy. Tomorrow. I'll start tomorrow.) 2 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 wow. so insightful tired girl. thanks for your advise (???) why the hell did you even post? I just want peace. My relationship with my GF is quite frankly, fantastic. She loves me. I love her. I am totally indifferent to xAP. I want xAP to stay out of our lives. She has, except for that call. I handled it badly. I promise here to handle it "correctly" if it ever recurs. I "hope" xAP calls again so I can execute my promise - and for THAT REASON ONLY. No, there is no "secret desire" to reinitiate contact. Frankly, if I ever heard xAP was dead, I wouldn't give a sh*t. I am totally indifferent. Call me callous, whatever. But xAP was just an experiment at a time when my GF and I were not even together. Only afterwards when GF actually told me she loved me and expressed her true sentiments towards me did I see the true beauty within her, and fell deeply in love with her. Would you even call that an "affair" ? *cough cough* Ian. If it wasn't an affair and you didn't do anything out of order here, why the Hell did YOU even post? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ian1966 Posted January 2, 2014 Author Share Posted January 2, 2014 ...because my GF considered it an affair. Thats why, and so I went by HER feelings and emotions as she told everyone that I had cheated on her. She cheated on me as an RA shortly after (EA), as I went though all the advised procedures in following a true R. We had a long talk and, following the R 'process' advised by LS, NC etc... we approached things as two people who had both made mistakes and wanted to work things out, as we do truly love each other deeply. Thats why. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ian1966 Posted January 2, 2014 Author Share Posted January 2, 2014 I'm truly done with this and all your bull*hit advise. talk away to your hearts content, but would prefer if this thread could now die. or be locked. I wont be responding any more. thanks for nothing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BeingMe Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 Oh poor Ian. Sounds like you posted hoping that we'd all tell you what you wanted to hear. We didn't and now you're throwing your toys out of the pram. Poor widdle baby....Grow up! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 thanks for nothing. I am sure your girlfriend who you say you love so much will feel the same as the above when she finds out you lied to her again. Your reactions to the most recent posts just prove that you are miles off being as reconciled as you tried to suggest in your opening post. You continue to lie inspite of the overwhelming majority (who have been either a WS or a BS too) saying be honest, you have then tried to deny you even had an affair and tried to shift blame on to your girlfriend by saying she had a revenge affair. You say here you have no intention to restart the affair. Well your actions suggest otherwise. These are all classic behaviours of someone who is not remorseful and is not showing true respect for their BS (girlfriend in your case). You are rewriting history on LS to suit your requirements. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
experiencethedevine Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 How very transparent that the OP's story has taken some dramatic turns and twists to avoid any responsibility for his actions (or inactions) and suddenly all of the posters offering differing views and comments are ALL unreliable and not worth listening too? I'm sure his relationship will end up in a really healthy place, don't you everyone?.......................................... 6 Link to post Share on other sites
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