Should I tell my BS that my AP broke NC?

[ChooseTruth]

This is an opportunity to prove you can tell the truth when it's hard to do so. It will go further to restore trust than anything else if you do it right.

 

Every time AP contacts you, you should tell BS IMMEDIATELY. The more you cover things up, the worse it is. It's the lies and omissions of truth that are most damaging. You are making a massive mistake by keeping it a secret. If she finds out, then it's more betrayal and she will come to doubt everything you've said for the entire reconciliation. If you simply tell about the contact right away, no problems.

[happy stillmore]

No contact is a choice. Not a contract. Was it ever said that you were not to contact each other? In my case, it was a choice where it is understood that we are not going to be in each other's lives. I still have fond memories and if he would call me, I would not hang up on him. He is a person with feelings. I would be upfront honest with him. I would wish him well and I would not invite him back into my life.

 

I'm not sure how your affair ended but if it ended on its own accord, then you both likely have moved past it. If it ended abruptly with a D day, without a goodbye, closure may be needed. I have heard quote a few people say they were only able to move on after they were able to ask their AP some questions.

 

Be honest with yourself and others in your life.

[A.Moscote]

You are not honest, and you are taking the comfortable way out. Man up, tell the truth. Be tactful and polite of course, and ready to be boiled.

 

No contact = No chance. Since you didn't ask her not to contact you ever again after that, means there's chance and also make it hard for you to tell your wife.

 

>>> What'd you do if your AP calls you again for new year?

 

Good luck.

[sweet_pea]

I can bet your wife WILL want to know. She will be angry too, probably. But could you blame her? You (yes, you, not just xAP) broke NC, even if just for a small amount of time. She deserves to know. Tell her. It will be hard, but it will show her that you are being fully transparent and honest with her and will help with reconciliation in the long run. She might be angry in the beginning, but that is because of your actions in breaking contact. Also take into account, what if the other BS finds out and tells your wife. Then what?

[tired girl]

Here is from another fws, read what anne said.

 

You are not telling her to protect YOU. This isn't about protecting her, it is still about protecting yourself and your crappy behaviors that haven't changed. You haven't learned how to be honest yet. Or authentic and let go of the outcomes because what is most important is an honest authentic life. No, what is still most important to you is having a peaceful happy life. As long as that is still what is most important to you, you will do this again.

 

Get yourself into therapy, and learn how to get honest and figure out why you have no boundaries.

 

Guess what, her H could figure out that your AP called you and tell your W, then what are you going to do?

 

My H and I both cheated on each other, if I found out that he did this and didn't tell me, I would file the minute I found out. He knows any breach in honesty is a deal breaker.

[AlwaysGrowing]

OP...here you go ...making decisions for your wife again. You..the sole heir to the truth, the fortune teller of how your wife will react...the protector of the peace.

 

Here it is in a nutshell.

 

You tell the truth because it is the right thing to do.

If you wife gets mad...then she gets mad. Most would.

You actually THINK and PLAN what to do if it happens again....TOGETHER.

 

Unless/until you put basic building blocks in your skill set of being a husband in marriage....it is all for naught.

 

Without honesty...your likelihood to reoffend is greater.

 

One secret....then two...then a full blown affair all over again..with the same OW. That is how it happened the first time..and that is how it will happen the next.

 

A complete about face..is required. You used lies to betray....you use honesty to rebuild trust....regardless of the outcome. Honesty, honesty, honesty.

[experiencethedevine]

I go with the majority. Not telling your wife is downright cruelty.

 

 

Of course she will be upset and angry, but she would be happier that you had not kept it a secret!

 

 

You are being led by your ego, and this crap about what it will stir up is simply that. Horse manure.

 

 

You are flattered that the other woman still thinks about you, it smooths your ruffled feathers to have her call you. On your house phone? REALLY??

 

 

She IS testing the water, despite your refusal to acknowledge it, deep down you KNOW what that means.

 

 

Your wife deserves the truth. Put your over inflated ego away and start doing the REAL work of recovery if you mean to.

 

 

Here's why: My husband, after the affair he had for four years ended (I discovered it) received an email from his other woman to his work account overseas. He replied with the same kind of 'pleasantries' you did. Despite my instance that he tell me if she tried to contact him, he kept it a secret.

 

 

I found out through our solicitor, as we were in the process of removing her from our lives legally. He sent a letter with a copy of what she had sent to him. It stated that my husband had been in contact with her and was 'most convivial'.

 

 

I was devastated, and put right back to square one. When I confronted my husband (not forgetting he was thousands of miles away in Singapore) over the phone he confessed and said that he had immediately realised the mistake he had made and sent her a further email telling her never to contact him again. Too late. Damage done. I told my husband never to contact ME again. He was home the next day.....

 

 

That was 16 years ago. He and I worked hard for 4 years to get to where we are now, and we still honour and respect each other every single day.

Edited December 20, 2013 by experiencethedevine

[Oberfeldwebel]

Dude, Stevie Wonder could have seen this coming. Artie is absolutely right it was a fishing expedition. She uses the holiday as a basis for the call, wish leads to a how are you conversation, that can lead to how they are feeling about you. Even if she didn’t express words of endearment this time, the fact that she called showed she had feelings and the fact that you took her call, showed that you cared enough for her to endanger your relationship with your wife. This can lead to more calls and even if she never sees you again, she has just made you plan B, in her mind.

 

To tell or not to tell, that is the question. The chances of her finding out are not good, but understand that you are still lying to her, even if it is by omission. Bad news never gets better with age, so the longer this goes on the worse that it is for your wife to swallow. I would suggest that you wait until December 26 to tell her, lets not kill the holiday.

 

I believe that I would tell her that you received this call not knowing who it was and that you think it was a fishing trip by the other person. You could even ask her what you think we should do? Should we write the other man's husband or her and re-enforce that their should not be any further contact? This way you give her power over the other woman. Obviously she will be upset that the woman called and will reign some hell-fire and brimstone upon you. Take your beating, as you deserve and tell her, you should have hung up immediately, but was taken off guard. Also reiterate that you knew you she would be mad, but you had to tell her, if you two are going to be completely honest with each other moving forward, that you have no more secrets. This other woman can only hurt us now, if we let her and you don't intend to let that happen ever again. Let her take her time and let her tell you if she wants you to write a letter to them, have your wife read it and send or just drop it altogether.

[dichotomy]

This happen to me and I am BH. We went though dDay, and I demanded NC. I did not really think I had to explain NC to my wife.

 

She did stop calling him, but 3 years later he called her while I was next to her on her birthday. She quickly said "got to go" and hung up - thats when she was busted and confessed he always called on her birthday - but she never answered it till now nor listened to the voice mails.

 

I was furious! NC is NC. Two things happened then - we went to the phone store and had his number(s) blocked also on home phone blocked. We went to MC were she 1) Admitted she was wrong to hide this 2) Committed that if he ever did get through somehow (work phone) she would read him the riot act telling him he was a scum bag, she was a scum bag for ever being with him, it was wrong, and to never ever call again,

 

 

This last part (2) was the hardest for her. She did not want to call him, she wanted to be with me, but she was not ready or willing to really face AP and own his scumbagness and her own scombagness for being with a MM. She wanted to avoid avoid avoid. I think she also still harbored some nice views of MM. This is where our MC tackled some tough stuff and that was for her to change her thought and views that he was not a bad person - many sessions with therapist and time for her to understand and accept his true character and her own for being with him.

 

This is where you are at - you have not really owned that your AP was wrong, you were wrong, and that what you did was hurtful and awful. Your willingness to be polite and concerned about her feelings - and she yours - shows you DONT care about your spouses feelings enough.

 

What I needed - and your wife needed - was you to tear that woman apart on the phone and yourself - and elevate your wife as the woman of your dreams and to never ever call you again.....but you could not do that could you?

 

If you tell your wife she called - I would have prepared a letter to other women and show it to your wife - that demands no contact, blames her and yourself for (affair), that you regret ever knowing her, and that your wife is 10 times the woman she is and if she calls you again you will get a restraining order. Now this would make it up to your wife (for talking call from AP) AND ... help you really reconcile. But you would not do that either would you? You don't want to hurt AP feelings - your concerned about her feelings ....and how she is doing ? Why? .......You don't get it pal...sorry.

Edited December 20, 2013 by dichotomy

[katielee]

I'm with everyone else. And Dichotomy nailed it - you don't get it yet. You wished Merry Christmas to someone you were with 7 months ago! That is nothing in the life of a BS.

 

If my husband did that it would be a dealbreaker for me. Have some integrity and let your wife decide this. Things like this happen when recovering from an affair so maybe your wife will understand. Maybe not.

 

If anything, it points out that you have a lot more work to do.

[BHsigh]

If my wife's exAP contacted her in any way, shape or form, and she didn't immediately tell me about it, I would be gone as soon as I found out, with no more chances at R.

 

Seriously, if she found a scrap of paper on the ground that said siopsiogwjiop with his initials at the bottom, she had better tell me about it.

[Ap22]

might I add that my BS has complete trust in me that I would never do such a thing (have an A) again, but telling her that the AP called would strain things and more importantly become the new topic of conversation for the next n months, which would seem like a real setback in our R.

 

Might I add that no matter what she may tell you, your BS does NOT have complete trust in you. She may have trust, but its not complete.

 

Yes you need to tell her. Yes your spouse is going to be mad and it will bring up memories....but lets be clear, its only been 7 months....things may be good for you, but your BS is not good, regardless of the front she puts on.

 

If you word if properly, I think it would only give her more trust in you.

[Iguanna]

You should have changed all phone numbers and not pick up from private numbers. In my country there is a choice where you can have a message saying to someone calling from private numbers "this user has chosen not to answer to private numbers, if you want to contact them please make your number appear" or something similar. So whoever has the need to find you (for a job etc) will find you.

 

I think you should tell her. Don't make it a big deal, just mention it adding "I wanted to be truthful and assure you that was it and I will do my best not to answer any more private or unknown numbers anymore". She will be scared but she will appreciate the honesty. You can't stop other people's actions but you can control yours.

[Snipercatt]

Not telling your BS is about YOU, period.

 

Yes, you are naive about the stages of seduction, which is what your xAP was up to. If not, there was no reason to call.

 

Yes, you are naive to think that your BS is doing fine regarding healing from your adultery! No mention of the A doesn't mean no thought or pain from it. Perhaps when your W has brought it up you have been defensive and she has found it pointless. When was the last time YOU brought it up? Now you have the perfect reason to do so.

[dreamingoftigers]

There is no way to ask this nicely: are you really this dumb?

 

It's the same damn mentality that got you in an affair in the first place:

"I can't tell my wife the truth about things because "she'll never understand or believe me and she's got these big ffffffeeelllings that I can't handle. So I try to control them by keeping secrets and lying to her. I control her feelings rather then letting her experience and share them with me. Because I want things a to be "smooth" then I resent her for having to "protect" her from the big bad world that _I_ can't handle. It causes fights and leads me to other women, but at least I'm not in "trouble." Because I avoid getting "in trouble" from my wife because when she has those ffffffeeeeelings, I feel bad too and I can't manage that."

 

Learn to manage your own crap instead of trying to manage your wife.

SHARE WITH HER.

 

.. but things have been so great between my BS and I of late...

 

if I tell she really will ignite big time... the call really was harmless I thought. I dont have her number anymore, it came in on a private number, literally just a few sentences...

 

I know, I'm making excuses, right?

 

I just cant balance the harm / consequences in this case. My BS will really go off..

 

No fishing, really there wasn't. One brief call in 7 mths of silence... Can't I just let this one slip? Its christmas after all, she just wanted to know if I was OK, and I must admit I was a little curious if she had R also. Which she had, and I'm thankful for that as if she was D or separated I would feel a little more nervous (that she might pursue me - not that I would ever consider reaching out to her, I have worked far to hard to R with my BS to blow it for her...)

 

You don't know my BS, she could absolutely flip and throw me out if she even heard that AP had even called me AND I had hung up right away, as she probably would NOT BELIEVE ME.

 

Still say yes?

[dichotomy]

To put a finer point and maybe more positive point to my other post. You have the opportunity to make this into a positive, by having that hard NC letter ready to send to OW, and then telling your wife she called you and you need to make her stop with the formal letter.

 

I can tell you if my wife had done this - this is how I found out OM was calling - she came to me with a prepared letter - she was going to put him down like a dog in writing.... and elevate me above him..... tell him she wished she never met him and never wants to hear from him again - I would have been on cloud nine - i would have felt my wife was defending me and the marriage, saying how I was the better man - and giving OM a kick in the balls to bootm and treating to go to court if needed for harassment and retaining order.

 

As part of this letter - you internally need to purge any remaining positive feelings or concern for OW and how she is doing - or veiwing her in a positive way at all. It 100% your wife now. Get some therapy for it.

[dreamingoftigers]

Thanks thumper.. thats exactly it. TOO RISKY.

And Artie, NO pleasantries were exchanged - it was all rather matter-of-fact.

Its a landline with no caller ID. So I had no idea who it was, even when she spoke I had to ask who it was....

 

The risk of this turning into a disaster by trying to be the honest good guy is just so high that I just dont think its worth it. Maybe on a personal level all you BS's believe in principal that YOU would want to know, that YOU know how YOU would react with glee at the honesty of your WS, but hell, mine sure as hell wont. I 've known her a very, very long time.

 

Still tell?

By TRYING to be the "honest good guy."

 

As in you AREN'T an honest good guy.

And right now your wife thinks you are being one. So sad for her.

 

You're well on your way to your next affair.

 

Btw, as a FBS, I can tell you that coming forward with the attempted contact and being honest actually draws your SPOUSE CLOSER to you even if at first it flares up her suspicion.

 

Seriously, you are treating your spouse like your Mommy and you're scared she's going to think you'll stole the cookie for the jar.

 

The only thing that can come from this course of action is raised anxiety and resentment. (On your part now, hers later).

 

It also reinforces your insulting idea that your wife is some kind of basket-case.

Which further damages your marriage. And frankly, it's humiliating and fristrating and draining to deal with a dishonest partner who is trying to "manage your feelings."

 

I am actually looking into leaving my husband who was disloyal. Not because he's been unfaithful again, but because he is constantly trying to "manage" what I feel and won't deal with his own crap.

 

I can never know 100% if he is being straight with me because he'll do things like "I didn't want to tell you XYZ because then you'd be upset." And 93% of the time he is DEAD WRONG about me being upset or about it being a big deal to me. Life happens, I can't control other people or circumstances and what THEY do but I SHOULD be able to have a marital partner that walks WITH me through them instead of treating me like a child who "can't handle anything."

 

Frankly, it's him who can't handle the anxiety that comes attached to the fact I might feel something negative.

 

His mother is completely emotionally unregulated and very controlling. Everyone walks on eggshells around her. I'm not like that. I'm also sick of being treated like that. If I was like that I wouldn't have stayed after my husbands infidelity without seriously ripping into him forevermore.

His mother still talks about a floor he ruined when he was 14. Blares about it.

He needs to deal with the issues he has surrounding her. Because I an sick to death of feeling censored or that my feelings are "wrong" or need to be "avoided and managed" by my husband.

 

You are doing yourself and your wife no favors.

And in a big way, it's still cheating her.

[Snowflower]

Ian, are you still here? You're getting a lot of responses and I hope you find some of them helpful!

 

Congrats on your reconciliation!

 

My H's xOW broke NC a few times in the first 6-7 months. My H told me about them every time. I would get a little upset but then was very reassured by his honesty in telling me.

 

A couple of things to consider:

 

1. In my opinion, 7 months is very early days in your reconciliation. This sounds harsh for me to say, but you have the typical cheating spouse mindset in that you think it is all over and all good for you and your wife now. I would say likely that it is not. You will be dealing with your screw-up for many more months/years. Do you have nerves of steel, because you will need them along with a steady resolve.

 

2. You need to tell your wife. From where I sit, it seems you're still putting her down saying she'll go ballistic if you tell her. That is a mean thing to say.

 

Back to my story as I think it might have some relevance...please bear with me ...my H's xOW contacted him 4.5 years after d-day, yep, 4.5 years! Some people just won't let go. Similar to your unexpected call, she called him on his cell phone out of the blue one day with a hi, how are you? He had never switched cell numbers and still had the same number he had during his A.

 

My H did not do the right thing and chatted with her a bit. He also did not tell me anything about it. A couple of days/weeks later, she calls him again to just to chat (because he didn't stop it the first time). She also started texting him. I had no idea.

 

Fortunately, we were in the middle of switching our cell phone plans and my H finally, sheepishly, told me what had been going on over the last month. I was p!ssed...let me tell you. But the fact that he did tell me, even though he didn't handle the situation exactly right, did help me keep my trust in him.

 

Ian, what do you think?

[BetrayedH]

You should definitely keep lying to her about contact with an affair partner because, well, that's what fully reconciled couples do.

 

Does that remotely sound right to you?

 

How interesting that you're fully reconciled but telling her about one brief phone call would mean the end of your marriage. Is it possible that you're not actually fully reconciled?

 

There is a path to reconciliation but it is long, narrow, and fraught with landmines on both sides. You think you're the exception to the rule. I've got news for you...thinking you're the exception IS the rule.

 

Your assertion that you've never broken NC is straight-up denial. You took the call, didn't hang up, exchanged pleasantries, didn't insist upon NC, didn't call your wife immediately, and still don't seem to get that HONESTY is both what your wife deserves and the only thing that will prove to your wife that you've learned anything. You are continuing to exhibit wayward thoughts and behaviors and it's because you have circumvented the process. You're taking a shortcut, right thru the minefield.

 

By the way, you should be exposing this breach of NC to the OW's husband. But you won't because you're prioritizing the protection of the affair couple instead of respecting the two people you betrayed together. Add in the cowardice and it's clear that you haven't earned your "former" wayward status.

 

Don't like my view as a bitter, former BS? Please go back and read Anne's post again. You wanted advice from a fully reconciled former wayward and you got it from a damn good one.

 

I suggest you take it because all I see right now is a fool dancing in a minefield yelling how "it's all good."

[Snowflower]

You wanted to hear from a fWS? Well here goes....

 

If you really think that you should not tell your wife then you might as well just pick up that phone now, call the AP and resume your affair because that is where this is heading.

 

You have just tried to excuse really sh*tty behaviour throughout this whole thread just so you can protect your ar$e. It was so blatantly a fishing trip from the AP and somewhere a part of you likes that -its nice for you to have a bit of cake again, isn't it.

 

You say you and your wife are reconciled after just 7 months and that you now don't talk of the affair? Well thats 2 more things to worry about there. It takes 2 to 5 years to reconcile, not a few months and if you are not talking about the affair at times still then I doubt all issues have been resolved.

 

The fact that you took this call, shared pleasantries with your AP and have continued to lie to your wife about this just shows how wrong you are to say you are reconciled. You have not even got a fundamental principle like honesty right yet.

 

Stop protecting yourself and start protecting your marriage. Tell your wife the truth.

 

I wanted to repost this awesome post from Anne. Ian, she was a WS just like you.

 

My H has been in your shoes as well with a very similar situation. My H did the right thing, are you going to?

[Ap22]

I find it hilarious that this guy thinks 7 months time is enough for his wife to be fine. Hey buddy, she may put on a good front and appear to be fine, but shes not.

 

This is my fear with my wife and I let her know all the time. Do not mistake my outside appearance for whats going on inside. Outside I may look fine, but I'm still dying inside.

 

Like others have said, the OP loved getting that call. You know damn well that after that call hung up he sat there and probably felt good. He knows what type of call that was.

[happy stillmore]

It is simply a matter of how much you are committed to your marriage and for what reasons. If you truly love your wife 100%, your actions need to show it. Honesty is the way to do it. You need to be real with yourself. If there are doubts in your heart, you need to talk it out with a counselor. Perhaps, you are staying in the marriage out of obligation. What exactly was the feeling you had when you got the call? Did your heart skip a beat out of joy? Anxiety due to fear of what this could do to your marriage or was it fear that you were going to hurt your wife? Was the thought of possibly hurting your wife the first thought that came to your mind? Think about it. Time to be authentic with your life.

[Snowflower]

Ian, pretty much every post on your thread is telling you the SAME THING...to tell your wife. What does this tell you?

[Sub]

A year after our D-Day, OM texted my W to say "Happy Birthday. Hope you have a great day!". My W responded with "thanks", written exactly like that. She showed me right away, and it was a huuuuge step in our R. And to me, it was better for her to respond the way she did than to just ignore it. Soon after, she switched jobs, had new phone# and email, and that was that.

 

Be honest asap. The longer you wait, the worse it looks.

[katielee]

I find it hilarious that this guy thinks 7 months time is enough for his wife to be fine.

.

 

it's actually very sad, but I know what you mean.

 

Ian - you're still foggy. Give your wife a heads up on this. Let her make the decision instead of controlling the information. Do you really want to have to manipulate someone into staying married to you? That's pretty pathetic.