Should I tell my BS that my AP broke NC?

[AutumnMoon]

If you have no intention to contact her I would just never mention this, that's my stance. I understand it won't be popular.

If she calls again don't be wishing her a happy new year just ask her not to call again and decide then if you should mention that call to your wife.

[AlwaysGrowing]

One last thing. I told my W that if I EVER receive any contact from xAP I would contact W immediately. I have even practiced how I would handle a call/text from her. If a call, I would simply verify it was her and hang up, call W right away and she would call AP's H and advise him.

xAP has not called, I hope she doesn't but in another way I hope she DOES CALL, just so I can prove to my W that what I have said I would do would be proven to her. And before you jump on me saying I have some kind of subconcious yearning for xAP, I DONT - IT WOULD BE ONLY TO PROVE MYSELF TO MY WIFE.

 

Ian....this is from a post you made in August of this year.

[tired girl]

One last thing. I told my W that if I EVER receive any contact from

xAP I would contact W immediately. I have even practiced how I would handle a

call/text from her. If a call, I would simply verify it was her and hang up,

call W right away and she would call AP's H and advise him.

xAP has not

called, I hope she doesn't but in another way I hope she DOES CALL, just so I

can prove to my W that what I have said I would do would be proven to her. And

before you jump on me saying I have some kind of subconcious yearning for xAP, I

DONT - IT WOULD BE ONLY TO PROVE MYSELF TO MY WIFE.

 

Ian....this

is from a post you made in August of this year.

 

Wow, how quickly things change, when we are still concerned only about ourselves.

[katielee]

Ian - I found out OW2 contacted my husband by looking on our cell phone bill. Learning about it this almost ended our marriage.

If this is a fishing attempt, and I think it was, not only will she contact you again she'll probably make sure your wife knows...

let it be you that tells her.

[Sub]

The risk of this turning into a disaster by trying to be the honest good guy is just so high that I just dont think its worth it. Maybe on a personal level all you BS's believe in principal that YOU would want to know, that YOU know how YOU would react with glee at the honesty of your WS, but hell, mine sure as hell wont. I 've known her a very, very long time.

 

Still tell?

 

 

Well, think of how bad it will be if she finds out this happened AND you didn't tell her. If you think simply telling her about it would be disastrous, adding that layer of secrecy to it will be apocalyptic. Seriously, that exact moment when she finds out down the line, just pack your bags. Then think of all the time and effort you wasted in regaining her trust.

[redtail]

One last thing.

...

subconcious yearning for xAP, I DONT - IT WOULD BE ONLY TO PROVE MYSELF TO MY WIFE.

 

Ian....this is from a post you made in August of this year.

 

Whoa, dude, this is a call from you, listen to when your thoughts were clearer.

 

Also, if things are as fragile as you say and can't handle the truth, then its just a house of cards anyway.

 

Best of luck to you.

[BHsigh]

If you have no intention to contact her I would just never mention this, that's my stance. I understand it won't be popular.

If she calls again don't be wishing her a happy new year just ask her not to call again and decide then if you should mention that call to your wife.

 

OP, just remember, you risk divorce if you don't tell your wife and she finds out somehow, your choice.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Okay - I will chime in here. This is always difficult because depending upon the relationships, I think if one is human they do want to know that someone they once cared about is okay. This is what is very hard.

 

 

But I will give you an example. My husband's xmow called him last year at a time I was out of town on a trip. Somehow she knew I was gone. She called him on the office phone (he picked it up and she was there) and then showed up at the office the next day (no one knows about the affair).

 

 

My husband did not tell me this until about 3 months later and it was only because I had gotten an anonymous letter in the mail which was not nice and when I showed it to him he was certain it was either my XMOM's BS or his XMOW - when I asked why he thought it would be her, that's when he told me.

 

 

So it left me with a lot of questions. I asked how long the conversation was (it was 3 minutes - a lot can be said in 3 minutes) and he said she wanted to know how we were doing, etc. I asked if he told her not to call back again or come to the office again and he admitted he had not told her that. Then he turned it around on me and said I wouldn't have told him if XMOM had called me. And I told him I absolutely would. He knows every time I have seen him (one time in 4 years) - even passed him a car.

 

 

I have my reasons for not pressing the issue right now, but suffice it to say you really do need to tell her and tell her now. You actually should have told her the minute it happened, because when time goes by and then the confession comes, there is all kind of doubt.

 

 

And, yes, I agree - I really do think it was a fishing expedition. I suppose it could have been just that she wanted to see that you were doing okay - I have learned not to judge anyone's motives because I just don't know - but I would lay money down she was looking to see if you were recovering okay because more than likely her recovery is not going well.

Edited December 20, 2013 by lilmisscantbewrong

[BHsigh]

"Now since my A, and W's shortly afterward (which was an EA) we both found each other again, worked out our issues, made the same deal with an exit clause if either of us so much as contact our ex-AP's.

We realized just how deep we are into each other, communication is open and completely honest (like I said I told her every excruciating detail, including the sex acts) we fell in complete and total love... like never before, better than before we married in fact. It is NOT HYSTERICAL BONDING. We have an agree d time each week to ask each other any questions concerning our A's, and TELL NO LIES."

 

OP, you posted this in your other thread as well, how come you're not honoring your agreement with your wife? What happened to being open and completely honest.

 

Your wife will be angry as can be if she finds out about this any other way.

 

Seriously, what is your problem here? Your exAP calling you was out of your control, all you had to do was tell her to never call you again and tell your wife what happened, simple as can be, and completely honest.

[ComingInHot]

Let me ask you.. Are you in an HONEST Relationship with your Wife now?

 

If yes, you'll blow the whole thing to smithereens by Not being Honest with her now.

 

Remember how this all started. .. just an innocent flirt. Just an innocent lunch. Just an innocent touch.... yick

[underwater2010]

Just tell her....be honest....let her rage. You just might be surprised that she is furious with your AP more than she will be at you. Although you should have just hung up....but I think you know that already.

 

 

Better that your BW hear from you than your AP'S BH.

 

 

Oh and one other thing....your wife will contact the AP's BH to let him know. Then you won't have to worry about it in the future.

[Fluttershy]

I am not a fan if the 2-5 year stat when it is used to put people in a box. For me it is a guideline not a commandment. There will be those who reconcile early and those who take longer.

That out of the way. If you guys were reconciled you would have told her ASAP that OW had called. Even if you didn't hang up or tell her off as sometimes when you aren't prepared for something sometimes you don't do what is best. Your wife would have been peeved at xOW. But as a reconciled couple she would have been thankful for your honesty and believed you weren't hiding more. As a couple who is doin the right things in reconciliation (but not "reconciled") you still would have told, she may have verified and asked a lot of questions, the honesty would have helped your reconciliation 100times over. It would have brought you closer together as a couple with trust and honesty.

 

Her reaction, if it really would hae went down that way, is of someone rug sweeping and burying the issue. That is your justification for not telling her and if you are right, their is a sht storm coming from you. You see te thing about emotions and issues is that eventually they will come to the surface. By withholding this all you are doing is postponing the storm and being dishonest.

 

But by all means, don't tell. Honesty and keeping your word even to yourself is obviously not that important to you.

[happy stillmore]

I believe the WS' fear of conflict is what leads to affairs. Is the spouse's personality so strong that WS is afraid to even bring up issues? It is crazy to me that someone would actually be afraid to be honest because his spouse will go ballistic. Really? Is that the life you want? To walk on eggshells and watch every word you say? Doesn't sound like a relationship I would feel comfortable in.

[rumbleseat]

Wow , is this ex ow ever a piece of work. Pretending to reconcile with her husband then calling you on the sly with an "innocent" how are you?

 

Why are you more concerned with the drama (as you put it) that this may cause for everyone? If the ow can't handle the drama of her husband finding out she reached out to you, then maybe she should keep her mouth closed and her hands off the phone.

 

If she needs "closure" that is not your problem. If she hasn't gotten it yet, it isn't going to happen and it's not your job to give it to her anyway.

 

Being honest really is best, if for no other reason than if you lie by omission, it will always hang over your head. What happens if your ex ow decided to be nasty and let your wife know you spoke? What will happen then? You will.likely never be able to repair that sort of damage.

[experiencethedevine]

I believe the WS' fear of conflict is what leads to affairs. Is the spouse's personality so strong that WS is afraid to even bring up issues? It is crazy to me that someone would actually be afraid to be honest because his spouse will go ballistic. Really? Is that the life you want? To walk on eggshells and watch every word you say? Doesn't sound like a relationship I would feel comfortable in.

 

 

 

 

Mere speculation.................................

 

 

 

 

But, if he does have a strong wife, perhaps that is what he finds irresistible about her, and why he might be involved with a simpering other woman he can control...........................

[happy stillmore]

My post was based on my belief that the fear of conflict leads to one avoiding conflict by cheating. I asked a hypothetical question? Is the wife's personality so strong that WS is afraid to face issues straight on?

 

 

In your hypothetical situation, you suggest perhaps WS finds his wife's strong personality irresistible. I suggest otherwise. Having an affair is actually resisting his wife. The weak person who depends on the partner's strength is not a desirable trait. Exactly why OP end affairs! Because the WS is a coward and can't make the decision to end the marriage.

[Fluttershy]

Mere speculation.................................

 

 

 

 

But, if he does have a strong wife, perhaps that is what he finds irresistible about her, and why he might be involved with a simpering other woman he can control...........................

 

What the OP describes is not a strong woman but an irrational one. He said he didn't tell her because she'd fly of the handle and be mad at him... For taking an unknown call... On a work phone... Right, totally would have been his fault. But by not telling her he made it a bigger deal than it was. Now if she does find out she may fly of the handle because if there is nothin to hide he wouldn't have hid it (in her mind)

 

If the OP is right and his wife would have freaked at him (I seriously doubt this) then she either isn't dealing with her true feelings over the affair or she is an irrational over everything and a volitile person. If it is the first, this could have helped her deal with things. If it is the second then what type of life has he signed up to where his wife over reacts to everything? And if he doesn't want to leave her then he shouldn't be such a wuss over her dramatics.

 

But, my speculation is, even if she was upset that the xOW called, she wouldn't have reacted as he described. I think the OP may be lying to himself over why he didn't tell his W. I think he has let himself slip back into A mode and considering a round two. Telling his wide would alert her ao why the heck would he do that? All purely speculation.

[experiencethedevine]

My post was based on my belief that the fear of conflict leads to one avoiding conflict by cheating. I asked a hypothetical question? Is the wife's personality so strong that WS is afraid to face issues straight on?

 

 

In your hypothetical situation, you suggest perhaps WS finds his wife's strong personality irresistible. I suggest otherwise. Having an affair is actually resisting his wife. The weak person who depends on the partner's strength is not a desirable trait. Exactly why OP end affairs! Because the WS is a coward and can't make the decision to end the marriage.

 

 

This may be the case also, and such inequality in a relationship creates its own dilemma.

 

 

However, conflict avoidance negates effective communication, leads to withdrawal, and self soothing which leads to external stimulation and validation as a means of address.

 

 

The most effective tool in any relationship is the ability to communicate.

[happy stillmore]

I guess that leads back to OP. Does he have the ability to freely communicate? He should be able to tell his wife about this call. Where are you, OP? We miss you!

[Artie Lang]

Seriously, what is your problem here? Your exAP calling you was out of your control, all you had to do was tell her to never call you again and tell your wife what happened, simple as can be, and completely honest.

 

all he had to do was hang up..... CLICK.

[ComingInHot]

READ THIS!! Don't think for one moment that she isn't checking the call logs...

[BHsigh]

all he had to do was hang up..... CLICK.

 

 

 

Even better, you're right, she knew not to call OP in the first place.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

READ THIS!! Don't think for one moment that she isn't checking the call logs...

 

I think she called his work. This is what my husbands xmow has done - on the private line which we use for only emergencies and for staff families to get through when the other lines are busy - there is no caller id so you either answer or don't. Unless his wife has access to the bills at the office she doesn't know.

 

The bottom line is this was a fishing expedition. Like most affairs when the AP's end the affair and try to recover many times there is this "you go fix your situation and I will go fix mine to whatever end that is and then we will see where we are" (xmom said this to me). For the OP, I am not saying it was so for him, but it is only 7 months out - it is likely she WAS checking in to see what the progress is and my gut is hers is probably not going well.

 

OP needs to tell his wife.

[leonine]

FWW here. Tell your wife the truth. Quit manipulating her. I haven't read your other threads, but let me guess - you got busted as opposed to confessed. I wonder what else you haven't told her...you know...to protect her...'cuz your judgement about how not to hurt her is obviously super awesome.

[whichwayisup]

My guess is, he's not going to tell and it seemed like there was no intention of ever telling his wife from his opening post....Maybe came here to just confess, lift the weight off his shoulders.