Should I tell my BS that my AP broke NC?

[anne1707]

Re OP This is not important if that is all it was, if he saw her or arranged to, or she asked him to, it would be.

 

I think on the basis that every BS and fWS who has tried to reconcile (i.e. those in the situation of the OP and his wife) and has posted on this thread have said this is actually important then I think you are in a clear minority in having this opinion.

 

OP sounds really scared. I would not want an H who would be scared to tell me.

IMO he is not scared because the wife is some scary dragon but he is scared because he knows that what he has done is cruel and hurtful. It is another betrayal of someone whose trust and love in him has already been beaten to a pulp by his lies. He is protecting himself - and the OW.

[AlwaysGrowing]

I can not believe that women....slam other women for being strong.

 

Since when...is the new standard..that a woman is not allowed to voice her displeasure or stand up for herself?

 

Yes...chances are his wife will be upset...RIGHTLY SO.

 

Her husband did NOT do, what they agreed he would do. He did the opposite.

 

Are BS held to a different standard than every other human, when someone breaks their word? That if they show anger...they are now deemed....over powering, controlling, demanding...too strong?

 

And if a WS is scared...it automatically means the BS is some kind of bi*ch/bas*&rd?

 

Conflict Avoidant people..avoid conflict. It does not mean that the other person is aggressive.

 

Should everyone capitulate to a CA person....even if they don't agree?

 

Is the answer....that we all must sacrifice our own self respect/worth because it makes the CA person feel better? At what cost?

 

That is not me. I had too many men...take power from me. Never going to happen again. If they can't handle a woman who voices her concerns and can go toe to toe with them...then step down. I will never again...be told to sit there and shut up and act more lady like. (whatever that means). I will never hide my intelligence...just so a man can feel smarter.

[BeingMe]

What sends red flags up to me the most is that you only seem worried about getting found out, not about rebuilding trust with your BS, not about rebuilding honesty. You stuffed up. You know you did. Guess what? You're human, you will stuff up. It's how you handle it that's so very important.

 

Right now, hiding what happened sends this message:

 

"I am still hiding things. I can't be trusted. I can't face being vulnerable or the consequences of my poor choices. I want to avoid conflict more than I want to work on my marriage."

 

Do you think you're wife will want to be married to a man like that?

 

But if you step up and admit what happened and when. The full truth, including what you said, wishing her a merry Christmas. If you can face it and admit what you did was wrong. If you can also tell her openly that you delayed telling her because you were scared. Then this is the message you're sending:

 

"I have poor boundaries but I'm trying to work on it. I still have some kind of feelings for OW but I want my marriage more than her. I'm scared of conflict, but I'm starting to face that. I'm not perfect yet, but I'm going to keep trying."

 

Yeah, it's not a brilliant message, but a lot better than the other one and a step forward for you. I think she's more likely to want to be married to the second man, than the first.

[Realist3]

OP,

 

I think you have to weigh what the purpose is of telling. What are the possible outcomes? Is it going to make your wife feel better or worse?

 

If it were me I would just let it go. There is no reason to cause strife in this supposedly happy time of year over nothing.

[BeingMe]

OP,

 

I think you have to weigh what the purpose is of telling. What are the possible outcomes? Is it going to make your wife feel better or worse?

 

If it were me I would just let it go. There is no reason to cause strife in this supposedly happy time of year over nothing.

 

Yeah, but given that you're an unremorseful WS keeping your A secret, that's not really going to help him is it?

 

It comes down to whether the OP has true remorse and wants to work on themselves and the marriage, or whether they're rugsweeping and are a dry adulterer waiting for their next fix.

[angie2443]

OP,

 

I think you have to weigh what the purpose is of telling. What are the possible outcomes? Is it going to make your wife feel better or worse?

 

If it were me I would just let it go. There is no reason to cause strife in this supposedly happy time of year over nothing.

 

You're an MM who, from what I can tell, has no remorse or regret for cheating on you're wife. I'm guessing that is influencing your reply here. I'm curious, though, do you have a healthy marriage (IYO) and do you feel deeply connected to your wife?

[whichwayisup]

OP,

 

I think you have to weigh what the purpose is of telling. What are the possible outcomes? Is it going to make your wife feel better or worse?

 

If it were me I would just let it go. There is no reason to cause strife in this supposedly happy time of year over nothing.

 

But it isn't nothing. IT'S SOMETHING. xAP broke contact and his wife needs to know. So what if she gets upset/mad, she has that right since he is the one who cheated. Right now he has the power to show his wife, prove to her that he is trustworthy and come clean, tell the truth. Continuing to hide and lie, cover up that phone call just shows HE himself has not grown inside, he still needs to get boundaries and also have some faith. If his marriage ends because of this one phone call, exAP reaching out, then his marriage never was fixed properly to begin with and isn't strong enough to ride out the rough times. He is scared of his wife's anger, reaction, fine but that is NOT an excuse NOT to tell her.

 

Of course it'll make his wife feel awful but it'll be much more worse if she finds out on her own in the future.

[Realist3]

But it isn't nothing. IT'S SOMETHING. xAP broke contact and his wife needs to know. So what if she gets upset/mad, she has that right since he is the one who cheated. Right now he has the power to show his wife, prove to her that he is trustworthy and come clean, tell the truth. Continuing to hide and lie, cover up that phone call just shows HE himself has not grown inside, he still needs to get boundaries and also have some faith. If his marriage ends because of this one phone call, exAP reaching out, then his marriage never was fixed properly to begin with and isn't strong enough to ride out the rough times. He is scared of his wife's anger, reaction, fine but that is NOT an excuse NOT to tell her.

 

Of course it'll make his wife feel awful but it'll be much more worse if she finds out on her own in the future.

 

 

 

I understand your sentiment, I really do. The question is does he want his wife thinking about that right now of all times? It is just such a huge buzz kill which he did not initiate. I could understand bringing it up if he was the perp, but he had no control over this and now it will sour her whole holiday season as a huge trigger. Like I said before I think he needs to weight the pros and cons. Maybe tell her after the new year.

[experiencethedevine]

i can not believe that women....slam other women for being strong.

 

Since when...is the new standard..that a woman is not allowed to voice her displeasure or stand up for herself?

 

Yes...chances are his wife will be upset...rightly so.

 

Her husband did not do, what they agreed he would do. He did the opposite.

 

Are bs held to a different standard than every other human, when someone breaks their word? That if they show anger...they are now deemed....over powering, controlling, demanding...too strong?

 

And if a ws is scared...it automatically means the bs is some kind of bi*ch/bas*&rd?

 

Conflict avoidant people..avoid conflict. It does not mean that the other person is aggressive.

 

Should everyone capitulate to a ca person....even if they don't agree?

 

Is the answer....that we all must sacrifice our own self respect/worth because it makes the ca person feel better? At what cost?

 

That is not me. I had too many men...take power from me. Never going to happen again. If they can't handle a woman who voices her concerns and can go toe to toe with them...then step down. I will never again...be told to sit there and shut up and act more lady like. (whatever that means). I will never hide my intelligence...just so a man can feel smarter.

 

 

bravo! ............................................

[AlwaysGrowing]

I understand your sentiment, I really do. The question is does he want his wife thinking about that right now of all times? It is just such a huge buzz kill which he did not initiate. I could understand bringing it up if he was the perp, but he had no control over this and now it will sour her whole holiday season as a huge trigger. Like I said before I think he needs to weight the pros and cons. Maybe tell her after the new year.

 

Realist3...what happens when a WS shows through actions that their word means something..is that the bond becomes stronger.

 

Yes, he did not initiate. However, he did not follow exactly as he said he would. Being that he let himself down that way...why fall on the entire sword? Say, I was caught unawares. I guess, I didn't prepare as well as I should have. Can we maybe role play this? Especially helpful for a person who is conflict avoidant. To practice.

 

Showing his wife...this vulnerable side of him...his failings..and asking for help..will actually bring them closer.

 

Is his wife going to say "why can't that so and so just mind her business and leave us/him alone?"...more than likely.

 

Right now, the xOW has more information than his wife. That is what is wrong with this. He is either on the team of the marriage, or the team of secrets with the xOW...he has to decide.

 

If his goal is R..then that is what is required.

[anne1707]

I understand your sentiment, I really do. The question is does he want his wife thinking about that right now of all times? It is just such a huge buzz kill which he did not initiate. I could understand bringing it up if he was the perp, but he had no control over this and now it will sour her whole holiday season as a huge trigger. Like I said before I think he needs to weight the pros and cons. Maybe tell her after the new year.

 

Wrong. He had control over how he handled this from the moment he realised it was the OW on the other end of the phone.

 

The longer he allows his lies to continue, the worse it will be when his wife finds out. He is adding to the betrayal by not telling the truth.

[whatatangledweb]

It seems the OP is a avoids conflict. Will his wife be mad, sad, worried...that depends on her and how well she is dealing with his betrayal. My husband knows if she contacts him and he does not tell me that I will divorce. He wants to rebuild my trust in him. That means no omissions or lies.

 

I am not worried about it restarting . The whole point is being honest so your spouse can learn to trust you again. My husband's ex OW tried to contact him and then me. She was blocked from him by an app but it showed the number she used. She then contacted me a year later using yet another number. I changed my number. I didn't take it out on my husband. He couldn't control what she did but he could control how he handled it. He handled it correctly.

[Try]

First you say:

No, I did not tell her to never call again.

She rang my work number (which does not show incoming call numbers so I did not know it was her)

I wished her a merry christmas and said I was glad her and her H were OK.

 

Then you say a few minutes later that:

And Artie, NO pleasantries were exchanged - it was all rather matter-of-fact.

You wishing her “a merry christmas” and telling her that you were “glad her and her H were OK” is exchanging pleasantries.

 

She was fishing to see if you would exchange pleasantries rather than keep no contact by telling her not to call, and you picked to exchange pleasantries. Her asking if you and your wife were OK, and you saying that you were glad that she and her husband was OK, was as fake as it gets, since during your affair neither of you cared one bit about either of your spouses. You both only said that in case you got busted for the contact you would be able to claim that it was an innocent call. But although you both want to claim it was innocent, what if one of you told the other that you were getting a divorce? Checking on the status of each other’s marriage is checking on the openness of the other to resume the affair. It also kept the affair spark alive as the brain drugs went off upon hearing each other’s voices.

 

One more thing, you stated that if you told your wife about the call that your wife would tell your affair partner’s husband. Thus by not telling you are protecting that other woman, and showing the other woman that you are again willing to keep secrets from your wife with her. If you keep this call a secret, she will call again knowing that now that you hide the first call from your wife, you can never tell your wife about any calls with the other women for fear of having to admit to your wife that it was not the first call.

 

In getting your wife to give you a second chance, you promised your wife not just no contact with the other woman, but full transparency and honesty. Keep at least part of these promises and tell your wife right now. God forbid your affair partner’s husband learns about the call before your wife and tells your wife.

[Realist3]

Realist3...what happens when a WS shows through actions that their word means something..is that the bond becomes stronger.

 

Yes, he did not initiate. However, he did not follow exactly as he said he would. Being that he let himself down that way...why fall on the entire sword? Say, I was caught unawares. I guess, I didn't prepare as well as I should have. Can we maybe role play this? Especially helpful for a person who is conflict avoidant. To practice.

 

Showing his wife...this vulnerable side of him...his failings..and asking for help..will actually bring them closer.

 

Is his wife going to say "why can't that so and so just mind her business and leave us/him alone?"...more than likely.

 

Right now, the xOW has more information than his wife. That is what is wrong with this. He is either on the team of the marriage, or the team of secrets with the xOW...he has to decide.

 

If his goal is R..then that is what is required.

 

We are all just observers here. He knows his situation far better than any of us. Every single on of us look at what is stated through our own lens. If he follows whichever path and it turns out to be a disaster would we be liable for that advice? Of course not.

 

He has to decide what he wants to do, and the fact that he brought it up I think is a positive. He was conflicted. All I am saying is that there is not absolute best choice here. You and others have your opinions which are very valid. But with that said you have no idea how his wife will react.

[AlwaysGrowing]

I guess I don't understand what is so hard to figure out.

 

If you make an agreement with someone..(.Look at the post I found of his)...and you renege...I think you can pretty much guarantee how the other party will react. He will only REINFORCE that his words...do not hold any weight. Which is counterproductive.. if his goal is R. It's not brain surgery.

 

How his wife will react is not the issue. The issue is...is he able to be forthright with information regardless of how she will react.

[whichwayisup]

I guess I don't understand what is so hard to figure out.

 

If you make an agreement with someone..(.Look at the post I found of his)...and you renege...I think you can pretty much guarantee how the other party will react. He will only REINFORCE that his words...do not hold any weight. Which is counterproductive.. if his goal is R. It's not brain surgery.

 

How his wife will react is not the issue. The issue is...is he able to be forthright with information regardless of how she will react.

 

OF COURSE she's gonna react, what BS wouldn't react when the exAP broke contact. The key is, how the WS, and in this case the OP (who is MIA?) handles this, what he says to show his wife that he is trustworthy and not to be concerned at all that there's gonna be more contact or that the A will start up again. If his wife (if he thinks this) is gonna throw in the towel over NC broken, a stupid call by xAP, then their marriage is far from being reconciled, let alone fixed.

[Realist3]

I guess I don't understand what is so hard to figure out.

 

If you make an agreement with someone..(.Look at the post I found of his)...and you renege...I think you can pretty much guarantee how the other party will react. He will only REINFORCE that his words...do not hold any weight. Which is counterproductive.. if his goal is R. It's not brain surgery.

 

How his wife will react is not the issue. The issue is...is he able to be forthright with information regardless of how she will react.

 

Of course that is the issue. That was his whole point. That is what he is struggling with, and if you put yourself in his shoes you likely would be as well. There well may be a longer term benefit, but in the short term with the holidays it will hurt her unnecessarily.

[TiredFamilyGuy]

OP - tell. If you don't, you can't be trusted. If you get found out - well you can't say you weren't warned. This is not a hard decision. Unless you are content to be an equivocator.

[Spark1111]

We are all just observers here. He knows his situation far better than any of us. Every single on of us look at what is stated through our own lens. If he follows whichever path and it turns out to be a disaster would we be liable for that advice? Of course not.

 

He has to decide what he wants to do, and the fact that he brought it up I think is a positive. He was conflicted. All I am saying is that there is not absolute best choice here. You and others have your opinions which are very valid. But with that said you have no idea how his wife will react.

 

does it really matter how his wife reacts?

 

If he did not care one whit how his wife would feel as he gave himself permission to conduct a secret sexual affair with his MOW, why should he protect her NOW?

 

he didn't protect her THEN?

 

Building intimacy with a spouse you betrayed means NO NEW SECRETS.

 

It seems cowardly. yes, she will react! but if you never thought of her and her feelings why you were engaging in the affair, you do not get that right now.

 

tell her the truth, always....and bear the consequences of her moods and reactions whatever they may be.

 

And why so polite and courteous to the AP who helped and enabled you to destroy your spouse and your life and legacy?

 

Are you reconciling out of fear? Or do you truly love, honor and cherish your wife?

 

because even though blind sided by your AP, if you were truly reconciling for the right reasons, you should have been angry, really angry, that she called you out of the blue to wish you happy holidays and did you reconcile?

 

And you were not angry. You were polite.....

 

and until you figure that out, figure out where your boundaries are....you are in trouble because you are still acting from a position of weakness....and not from strength.

 

It is time to man up, and as a BS THAT is what would anger me more than anything. THAT politeness to the fAP is what would cause me to think.....you do not value me....and my gift of reconciliation...ENOUGH.

[happy stillmore]

Spark raised a great question:

 

"Are you reconciling out of fear? Or do you truly love, honor and cherish your wife?"

 

I'm not sure what the situation is with OP. Did he confess to the A or was there aD Day? Answering spark's question provides the motive to OP's actions. If he is reconciling solely out of fear, then he may still be loving AP in his heart? When he got that call, he exchanged pleasantries because he still cares for AP. When someone loves someone, sometimes they can't tell their heart to stop loving that person even though their head tells them to stop. Perhaps he can't bring himself to be mean to AP because he still has feelings for her. If that is the case, he needs to get real with himself in order to stop the lies to his wife. End the marriage.

 

If he loves, honors and cherishes his wife, he needs to tell AP that. IMO there is no reason to be rude about it all. It isn't high school. Adults are involved here. Be honest and just tell her, out of respect of my wife, I can't talk to you. Etc.

 

As we know, actions speak louder than words.

[Iguanna]

And why so polite and courteous to the AP who helped and enabled you to destroy your spouse and your life and legacy?

 

Are you reconciling out of fear? Or do you truly love, honor and cherish your wife?

 

because even though blind sided by your AP, if you were truly reconciling for the right reasons, you should have been angry, really angry, that she called you out of the blue to wish you happy holidays and did you reconcile?

 

And you were not angry. You were polite.....

 

and until you figure that out, figure out where your boundaries are....you are in trouble because you are still acting from a position of weakness....and not from strength.

 

It is time to man up, and as a BS THAT is what would anger me more than anything. THAT politeness to the fAP is what would cause me to think.....you do not value me....and my gift of reconciliation...ENOUGH.

 

Do all BS believe that the OW was just a person to f^ck for their husbands? If that was the case, it would not be called affair but one night stand (or two or three). If they are in this kind of illusion then they should wake up. Their husband fell in love with this woman, I know it wasn't right that he kept it a secret and chose to keep both his wife and the mistress but this doesn't change the fact that he once loved her. We don't know the exact reasons why OP returned to his wife, but the reason isn't always that he realized he loves only her and that the OW was only to pass some time. If that was the case way fewer women would get involved with married people. There is (almost) no woman who knowingly gets in an affair with a MM while she knows that he considers her someone to pass his time and renew his marriage. The reason they get involved with him is that he tells them he loves them, and most times he means it as well. So how do you expect this man to be angry to this woman, even hate her, and talk to her badly on the phone? Sometimes we can talk to our exes after a long time nicely, even though we have bad memories from them. If we don't honor our emotions this shows disrespect to ourselves. He once loved her. He still has some feelings for her. Choosing to stay with his wife did not erase his emotions for OW. Of course I'm sure no MM will admit this, but I find it kinda logical. I know I will accept much hatred from BS now, but if you think about it you will agree with me. You can ask from your husbands to love you, and they do of course, but how can he erase every memory (and feeling) in his mind from the OW?

[BetrayedH]

Do all BS believe that the OW was just a person to f^ck for their husbands? If that was the case, it would not be called affair but one night stand (or two or three). If they are in this kind of illusion then they should wake up. Their husband fell in love with this woman, I know it wasn't right that he kept it a secret and chose to keep both his wife and the mistress but this doesn't change the fact that he once loved her. We don't know the exact reasons why OP returned to his wife, but the reason isn't always that he realized he loves only her and that the OW was only to pass some time. If that was the case way fewer women would get involved with married people. There is (almost) no woman who knowingly gets in an affair with a MM while she knows that he considers her someone to pass his time and renew his marriage. The reason they get involved with him is that he tells them he loves them, and most times he means it as well. So how do you expect this man to be angry to this woman, even hate her, and talk to her badly on the phone? Sometimes we can talk to our exes after a long time nicely, even though we have bad memories from them. If we don't honor our emotions this shows disrespect to ourselves. He once loved her. He still has some feelings for her. Choosing to stay with his wife did not erase his emotions for OW. Of course I'm sure no MM will admit this, but I find it kinda logical. I know I will accept much hatred from BS now, but if you think about it you will agree with me. You can ask from your husbands to love you, and they do of course, but how can he erase every memory (and feeling) in his mind from the OW?

 

This is backwards thinking.

 

"Oh hey, it's you, the person that helped me destroy two families. Merry Christmas! I hope you're great. How's my marriage going? Fantastic, but no thanks to that affair of ours. LOL. Oh, the good ole days. Good times, good times. We were a great couple, weren't we? Well, hey I better go before my wife catches us talking - my wife is still all 'bitter,' you know? Catch up more later, ok?"

 

The affair was either a huge mistake that he hugely regrets or it's something to fondly reminisce about. His choice.

[happy stillmore]

It is not always black and white or a love/hate kind of situation. The WS/AP may sincerely love each other. The WS grapples with his love for his wife and the AP. Each situation is different. The WS may have found someone who he connects with better, feels loved in a way he/she never felt before. Yet, he may still love his wife also. He chooses to stay because he loves W and family. He made a choice to stay in the marriage but just can't turn off feelings for AP like flicking the light switch.

 

If he is honest with himself, he is where he wants to be. When he makes this decision, his actions have to show this. When the AP calls, he should simply be honest and say what is going on with his life: I'm working on my marriage. He can be honest and tell AP that a part of him loves her but he has decided to put his efforts into his marriage.

 

If he finds not having AP in his life makes his life unfulfilling and he isn't happy, then he needs to tell his wife. It is wrong to continue the charade and false hopes.

 

It all depends on whether both WS and BS are able to make the choice to put 100% of their efforts in R. It can't be done with only the BS' desires. The WS has to be able to be honest with himself, BS and AP in order for him to do the right thing and move ahead to the future that is meant to be for the right reasons for all involved parties.

 

It is all about choice. The choice to live the life you are meant to live and find happiness.

Edited December 22, 2013 by happy stillmore

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I think a good example of this is a poster called Finally Settled. He doesn't post a lot anymore, but he is probably the best example I can think of in a scenario that you are painting here.

 

I do love my husband, very much. But as much as I would like to hate the xmom I can't do it - at least so far. I am getting to the point where I look at the things he did to disrespect my kids and husband - the reality of who and what he was - and that is taking me to new places in my thought process so maybe I will get there. But I have a lot of people in my life that have done some really awful things to me and to my family - even a business partner that was really underhanded when she left my husbands business (that can be much like a marriage when it ends). The ending and separating of all of that was horrible and traumatic and for awhile there were some really hard feelings - but now over 15 years later it is fine. We are cordial, we even socialize at times. I know it's not the same, but it is a bit similar as there were a lot of lies and cheating involved in that situation as well.

 

I honestly can't hate my husbands xmow either - I don't want her around - but if I saw her on the street I would say hi. I really don't want her calling my husband (as she has in the past) but I wouldn't want him to be mean to her. What I would want ( and I have told him this) is for him to say "please don't call me again. I am committed to working on my marriage with lilmiss. I am sorry for the pain I caused you and I wish you well" or something to that effect.

 

I guess for me it's like a very very sad loss - death even. And I pray that as the years go by the pain will lessen and that even if I saw xmom on the street we could say hi and go on about our business and it be okay.

 

I don't know - I am rambling - I guess it is sort of a sentimental time of year

[sweet_pea]

This thread is interesting, lots of assumptions by some about OP's feelings for the AP without the OP saying so. It is possible that he does not have loving feelings for AP, and the opposite is true as well. Bottom line is that those loving feelings, whatever they were, weren't strong enough to leave for either of them. All I know is that if there was an agreement for NC between his wife, he should have stuck to that and cut the call short/told his wife.

 

I don't really see the connection between finally settled and this poster, either?

Edited December 22, 2013 by sweet_pea