Should I tell my BS that my AP broke NC?

[happy stillmore]

Finally Settled was conflicted about what to do. He had the strength to be honest with himself and his wife. Although he loved his wife, he realized he was no longer "in love" with his wife and was not fully happy in his marriage. He had feelings that were stronger for the OW and decided to pursue a life with her. While he is regretful of how this life came about, he reports being happier now than he ever was. He does regret the pain he caused his wife and his family but no regrets for choosing to live the life he wanted.

 

 

OP's actions show he is conflicted. The primary dilemma is OP is afraid to tell his wife that he spoke to AP. The fact he talked to her and is willing to hide the phone contact shows he is protecting himself and AP. We are speculating of course because we do not know what the content of the conversation was. If OP is conflicted about where his love lies, then this situation is similar to Finally Settled.

 

 

My belief is every person should be true to themselves. Live the life you want. It is the only path to true happiness.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

That is the only reason why I brought up that particular poster. He is just an example of someone that tried recovery for 4 years and he was in full no contact with his ow and yet still was unable to forget her and didn't stop loving her.

 

It is hard to have a relationship with someone (even if you acknowledge the devastation involved) and turn off the feelings like a faucet - which is why some here seem to think should and can happen.

 

But, as I have stated previously, I believe OP needs to tell her wife - I haven't moved from that opinion at all - I just think he is still conflicted and this is why he doesn't.

 

Anyway - he hasn't been back to address it so I think we probably know the path he is taking.

[sweet_pea]

 

And once again, where did him being conflicted about where his love lies come from? Sure, feelings can be hard to turn off but it is possible and he made no mention of feelings unless I'm mistaken. Did I miss that post? Where did he mention still being in love with xAP? It's a genuine question, maybe I missed it. He's only mentioned that he's in recovery at the moment, and is going relatively well (as short as it has been) and that the phone call only exchanged pleasantries and was no emotional talk/plans made. So yeah, I'm still unsure of his connection to Finally Settled. His being conflicted is about the phone call, not about feelings, is how I have interpreted it. By him not telling his wife, he's protecting himself first and foremost. I don't know that he is intentionally trying to protect xAP also, I think that's just a result of him protecting his own butt.

 

OP, hopefully you will let your wife know.

[Iguanna]

I started the discussion about men still having feelings for xOW cause a poster said that the OP should be angry and not polite to xOW who called him. It was a general point of view, not relevant to the OP's matter (for all we know at least).

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Yeah - the reason why is because of a poster commenting that he should have no feelings for his xap at all. This is why the thread went this direction and again the other poster mentioned was just an example of someone that did have feelings for their ap four years into recovery. Again, the example was of someone that still had not "turned off" their feelings for the ap.

 

I agree he is protecting himself first ( they always do) but he is also protecting his xmow as well because he knows his wife will call her husband.

 

At this point it is still a secret that should not be kept no matter what the conversation was.

Edited December 22, 2013 by lilmisscantbewrong

[Spark1111]

I started the discussion about men still having feelings for xOW cause a poster said that the OP should be angry and not polite to xOW who called him. It was a general point of view, not relevant to the OP's matter (for all we know at least).

 

Who said anything about hate and anger?

 

If he owns his pleasantries to,his xOW then he should tell that to his wife...but he's not cause he is afraid of her reaction, rightfully so.

 

I suppose she too harbors feelings for old boyfriends and if they were to call out of the blue to wish her a sentimental happy holidays and ask her how happy her marriage is, why that surely wouldn't affect the OP.

 

And if she kept it secret to spare his feelings and he found out anyhow, why that shouldn't make him feel the least bit insecure, should it?

 

Dn't you understand boundaries?

[Iguanna]

Who said anything about hate and anger?

 

I didn't say about hate, you said about anger ("you should have been angry, really angry, that she called you out of the blue...").

 

If he owns his pleasantries to,his xOW then he should tell that to his wife...but he's not cause he is afraid of her reaction, rightfully so.

 

I suggested the same thing to him from the start, no need to explain this to me and try to persuade me.

 

Dn't you understand boundaries?

 

Don't you understand that feelings is not a switch you can turn on and off?

[Bittersweetie]

I think most of you would say "Yes", however please consider

 

- A has been over well and truly for 7 mths

- have had complete NC up until the brief call

- BS and I have reconciled quite well (yes, I know 7mths is not long enough to say "reconciled" but she is happy, never a mention of A, we went through all the stages (7) and she has complete trust in me, I showed extreme remorse and have / am fulfilling all the requirements for successful R)

- The call from AP (who is married and is also reconciling with her BS so she says) was just a "Hi how are you? Merry Xmas" with NO plans made or emotional talk.

- If I do tell my BS will likely flip out and think something is being planned, which will definately re-ignite triggers and could threaten our R....

 

So, do I tell?

 

Haven't read the whole thread.

 

But as a fWS who reconciled, YES. You share this contact with your wife.

 

Part of reconciliation is rebuilding trust and integrity within you and in your relationship...and how can one do that if one continues to keep secrets?

 

Good luck.

[veritas lux mea]

Don't tell now it is too late and will only look like you were hidin it. But you probably should have told asap. And I totally get being nice to your affair partner. No reason to be overly friendly but no reason to be rude.

[compulsivedancer]

Tell her. It's not nothing when a fAP calls with well-wishes. It's not minor.

 

It wasn't your fault and this should make your wife feel like she can trust you MORE. However, keeping it from her will make her trust you LESS....and make you more vulnerable when AP calls again.

 

This is the first rule of NC...tell your BS if it is broken. If your relationship is too tenuous for you to tell her that AP called, when you did not invite the call, then your R is already in trouble.

[Spark1111]

I didn't say about hate, you said about anger ("you should have been angry, really angry, that she called you out of the blue...").

 

 

 

I suggested the same thing to him from the start, no need to explain this to me and try to persuade me.

 

 

 

Don't you understand that feelings is not a switch you can turn on and off?

 

So then it is your position that her call breaking NC was just fine to do?

 

And his response was also ok?

 

Romantic feelings trumps all?.....sigh.....Let's flip that switch on again? That's okay?

 

I think that call was the most selfish act in the world. she didn't care to keep NC in place.

 

she didn't care how it may jeopardize his reconciliation or how it would spin him to be a nervous wreck stuck in an emotional and moral quandary with his spouse.

 

love, schmove. Seven months in to her reconciliation she is either already bored, fishing, or needs to convince herself he doesn't hate her and since his marriage is going well ( until this predicament) she is not such a bad guy.

 

Selfish, selfish, selfish...on every level.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Whether or not one can flip a switch on feelings is irrelevant.

 

It's the actions that one does in the name of "namewhateverfeelingyouwanna"

 

Everyone is held to the same standard of being in control of their actions. One does not get a pass...all because they attach a positive (love) feeling to it.

 

If the OW was told NC..and she broke it..her feelings do not negate the fact she broke it. It is not any more/less wrong than if she had decided she was angry and wanted to vent at him. It is not any less selfish.

[ian1966]

Hi all, sorry its been the weekend and I only use LS from work...

 

I've only gotten up to page 4 of replies, so I will respond today as time permits.

Thanks heaps to everyone I really appreciate your feedback.

 

Just like to mention a few things from the few posts I've caught up on.

 

The call was to my work phone, and I dont have caller ID, so I cant tell where any call is from, and yes, of course I have to answer them all.

 

I swear that I will NEVER stray outside of my relationship with my W ever ever again. The very thought of it repulses me and makes me feel ill. All the many hours of crying with my W that followed, the absolute remorse that I feel and have shown her, the hurt I inflicted upon her, all these things weigh on me every day as a constant reminder of the idiot I was. I truly love her more than words can express.

I will never hurt her again. I just want this whole thing to fade into time and never resurface.

 

Look, I'm a little fearful of the OW. She could cause trouble, she hasn't, but it is a fear. I just pray that she never calls again. From the tone of the call I dont think she will, it was very terse and just a check in of "Are you OK?" I asked her the same, and she said she was R (ing) with her H. Is it bad to just ask that question? I truly hoped she was back OK with her H, as there would be more possible issues if she became D, yes? So I was happy to hear that.

 

It really felt like total closure to me.

 

No, my W is not a "basket-case". She is a wonderful woman whom I want to grow old and gray with... She has had several terrible things happen to her (no least this, of course) in her life and is a little insecure anyway, and this A certainly didn't help. I am not going to say anything bad about her as it would come off as disrespectful.

 

My ifes goal now is to protect, support, love and help her in every way I possibly can. I will never abandon her nor ever even contemplate having any kind of A again.

 

I just dont think bringing this out will help in any way. Theoretically you are all correct. I should tell her, but in the harsh light of reality I just dont think it will help at all.

[ian1966]

Still catching up on posts.

 

Yes, I did say (as it is written) that I would hang up immediately and tell my W. I was fully prepared and even had a script written. But after about 5 months I truly thought it was long gone and would not happen. She totally caught me by surprise, off gaurd.

 

My major issue with telling W is that she may not believe me, that it was only a "How are you?" type call. She will think there have been plans made, etc... I am certain of this, and the ensuing damage could be terminal for our R.

 

Even if I said I immediately hung up I would be in the same boat.

 

Lose-lose situation.

[happy stillmore]

You have to live the life you want. If you want to be in a relationship where you are keeping secrets, that is your choice. I do not think it is fair to your wife. You are not respecting your marriage by keeping this secret. I would not want to be in a marriage where I have to keep secrets in hopes of avoiding a blow-out. To me, it is not living an authentic life because you are still living a life of lies.

[Journee]

I understand your fear of throwing a wrench in your recovery.

 

but...( isn't there always)

 

As a woman that has been through a lot, who is a little insecure from past hurts, who is reconciling M from many pains. I can't express to you how valuable your honesty will be to your wife. Yes, short term it could be rough, but long term it will help repair the rips and tears in your wife's heart. To know you would put your comfort aside for an opportunity to gain real intimacy with you.

 

I wish I could convince you but it's your road walk. You will win in this situation because it's an opportunity to do the right thing when it isn't the easy option.

 

I know she called you on your work phone but you do not know what phone she called you from or if it's being monitored by her H. I would hate to see this blow up into something it wasn't for you. It will look terrible and your wife would not feel safe with you again.

 

BS take huge risks on reconciliation. I think that's glossed over here a lot because some wayward folks abd AP's only talk about what the MP is sacrificing ( true love, soul mates etc.) Not thinking a second about what the BS is facing.

 

I don't think you are one of those MP's because you have stated your unwavering stance of reconciling with your wife. Out of love and zero other excuse. Since that is the case the loving thing to do is to be honest. That is a loving action.

[sweet_pea]

Thanks for the update, Ian. I hope you reconsider and tell your wife, the sooner, the better. If not, that is on you. Just be prepared for the possibility of xAP's spouse finding out about the call and contacting your wife which will end up badly, I am sure.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Ian....you show many CA type responses.

 

For a CA person, who does not wish to anger/upset anyone...they often make poor choices. They have a difficult time being the bad guy...in any way, shape or form.

 

The phone call from OW. Yup, you had a game plan. You didn't follow it. Your desire to still be seen as a "good, nice guy" trumped what was in the best interest of not only your marriage..but ultimately...yourself.

 

I have a feeling, that if you had indeed...did as you agreed to...you would have ran to tell your wife.

 

Here's the deal. You either decide to tackle the CA behaviours in you...or you keep them alive and well. Will you fail in the beginning....your recent phone calls shows that one can. However, it does not mean...that you can't also recognize, acknowledge it...and ADDRESS it now.

 

If you know....that you did not make plans to hook up. Then you know that. If your wife asks...idk...a hundred different ways if you did...then the truth will be easy to tell...because it is the truth.

 

A BS...is looking for change within their WS. If you are able to be honest...in spite of any discourse that it may cause...shows a BS...that you are changing. Even if it means...you get temporary flak for something. It is tangible....you can see it.

 

Your word of what you WOULD do...was just that.....words. The words of a recent WS do not carry much weight. BS do not trust in them...nor should they.

 

Do you have self respect? How about integrity? Do you know what they mean? How one comes to possess them?

 

It is never a lose-lose when you honour your word and tell the truth. It is very much a HUGE win for your soul.

[dreamingoftigers]

Ian, you sound JUST LIKE my husband, right dien to the bass-ackward reasoning.

 

So I say this with love: if you want your wife to believe you and believe IN you, stop being such a chicken-sh*t and tell get the truth instead of lying by omission and commission.

 

I guarantee you that that if she's been through Hell in life and Hell with you that ALL she wants is THE DAMN TRUTH no matter how unfrilly and frayed it may be.

 

It is probably the SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT thing she wants and the one thing you are continuing to WITHHOLD from her.

 

SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT THING.

 

You may want the A to fade. You may not want to talk about it or you may want to pretend it never happened.

 

Too effing bad. It happened, it isn't going to fade until YOU conquer your demons of dishonesty and prove them slain. So Ian, when exactly is that going to START?

 

If you are worried about the reaction now that it's so far out from the damned event, show her the thread. At least she'll know you were nervous and not fostering an ongoing relationship with your ex-screw.

 

 

Still catching up on posts.

 

Yes, I did say (as it is written) that I would hang up immediately and tell my W. I was fully prepared and even had a script written. But after about 5 months I truly thought it was long gone and would not happen. She totally caught me by surprise, off gaurd.

 

My major issue with telling W is that she may not believe me, that it was only a "How are you?" type call. She will think there have been plans made, etc... I am certain of this, and the ensuing damage could be terminal for our R.

 

Even if I said I immediately hung up I would be in the same boat.

 

Lose-lose situation.

[anne1707]

Oh DoT :love: you rock

[ian1966]

Ok, I get it.

 

I will tell her... after christmas day...

 

Some thoughts...

 

What if I called her H and told him directly to tell his fricken wife to stop calling me? Risky? Or more chicken-**** behavior on my part?

I know, gutless... just thought it could be stopped without involving my W.

 

... and tell my W that I would like her to call xAP's H and tell him?

 

having said that, YES, I will tell her...

 

 

Maybe put it like this, "Look, xxxxxx, I would like you to do me a favour. Would you mind calling xxxxx and asking him to tell his W to never call me again? because she called me last week, nothing but "how are you? merry christmas, etc" but still she should not break NC like that - ever".

[dreamingoftigers]

Oh DoT :love: you rock

 

Yes, yes I do.....

 

:o:o

[dreamingoftigers]

Ok, I get it.

 

I will tell her... after christmas day...

 

Some thoughts...

 

What if I called her H and told him directly to tell his fricken wife to stop calling me? Risky? Or more chicken-**** behavior on my part?

I know, gutless... just thought it could be stopped without involving my W.

 

... and tell my W that I would like her to call xAP's H and tell him?

 

having said that, YES, I will tell her...

 

 

Maybe put it like this, "Look, xxxxxx, I would like you to do me a favour. Would you mind calling xxxxx and asking him to tell his W to never call me again? because she called me last week, nothing but "how are you? merry christmas, etc" but still she should not break NC like that - ever".

 

Get input from your wife on it.

 

She may not want you calling the xOW's BH to tell him to tell her to STFU and respect NC. Because it just re-engages. Or she may want to call him herself, sometimes BSs are more understanding of it.

 

Or she might just get upset about it and decide its a one-off and just want you to ignore/report any future attempts at contact.

 

You need to underline how hard this was for you too.

And how much you value HER and that nothing has reignited etc.

Show the thread if you need to.

 

Walk WITH her through this.

[dreamingoftigers]

Whatever you do though, don't ask me how script help LOL:

 

"That Ho be jamming up my line getting her "Ho Ho Ho" on. She need to be hangin' 'round some other home boy's crib. Ya feel me?"

 

The last work of any value I did was a song about my dog taking a crap on the floor of the Comfort Inn.

 

I know relationships and boundaries. Not scripts. And not quality music either.

[happy stillmore]

Ok, I get it.

 

I will tell her... after christmas day...

 

Some thoughts...

 

What if I called her H and told him directly to tell his fricken wife to stop calling me? Risky? Or more chicken-**** behavior on my part?

I know, gutless... just thought it could be stopped without involving my W.

 

... and tell my W that I would like her to call xAP's H and tell him?

 

having said that, YES, I will tell her...

 

 

Maybe put it like this, "Look, xxxxxx, I would like you to do me a favour. Would you mind calling xxxxx and asking him to tell his W to never call me again? because she called me last week, nothing but "how are you? merry christmas, etc" but still she should not break NC like that - ever".

 

 

Ian1966, are you seriously asking your wife to do the dirty work and call the AP's H? You exhibit traits of a man with a true conflict-avoidant personality. Yikes, no wonder you are where you are. You are afraid of standing up for yourself. If you don't change your behaviors,you are going to continue to live your life tiptoeing around and jumping through hoops like a dog at the circus in fear of setting off your wife. That is sad that you are going to live a life with such fear.

 

 

You should have told the AP on the phone during that conversation. Now, you are going to leave it to your wife to call the H. Be a man!