Should I tell my BS that my AP broke NC?

[road]

I think most of you would say "Yes", however please consider

 

- A has been over well and truly for 7 mths

- have had complete NC up until the brief call

- BS and I have reconciled quite well (yes, I know 7mths is not long enough to say "reconciled" but she is happy, never a mention of A, we went through all the stages (7) and she has complete trust in me, I showed extreme remorse and have / am fulfilling all the requirements for successful R)

- The call from AP (who is married and is also reconciling with her BS so she says) was just a "Hi how are you? Merry Xmas" with NO plans made or emotional talk.

- If I do tell my BS will likely flip out and think something is being planned, which will definately re-ignite triggers and could threaten our R....

 

So, do I tell?

 

 

 

You need to block your AP and tell your BS that the AP broke NC and the steps you are taking to block the AP.

 

 

And your BS should tell the OWH that the OW broke NC.

 

 

Also you should of not chatted with your AP but told her you want NC then hang up.

Edited December 23, 2013 by road

[ian1966]

I cant block the AP. private number. no caller ID at my end, its a work phone I have to take all calls.

[ian1966]

Ian1966, are you seriously asking your wife to do the dirty work and call the AP's H? You exhibit traits of a man with a true conflict-avoidant personality. Yikes, no wonder you are where you are. You are afraid of standing up for yourself. If you don't change your behaviors,you are going to continue to live your life tiptoeing around and jumping through hoops like a dog at the circus in fear of setting off your wife. That is sad that you are going to live a life with such fear.

 

 

You should have told the AP on the phone during that conversation. Now, you are going to leave it to your wife to call the H. Be a man!

 

I'm not asking my W to do the "dirty-work". That is what I believe she would do anyway. I am trying to imply to her that that action is certainly WHAT I WANT to happen. She can certainly decide for herself if that is what she will in fact do.

 

I would have no hesitation in calling xAP's H myself. Hell, that's what I did in the first place to end the A.

[dreamingoftigers]

I'm not asking my W to do the "dirty-work". That is what I believe she would do anyway. I am trying to imply to her that that action is certainly WHAT I WANT to happen. She can certainly decide for herself if that is what she will in fact do.

 

I would have no hesitation in calling xAP's H myself. Hell, that's what I did in the first place to end the A.

 

You already sound more confident.

[happy stillmore]

Ian1966,

 

 

You don't have to answer the following questions. Just questions to make you think.

 

 

I don't know your story. Did you call the H out of fear of losing your life as you know it after a D day or did you do it because you just couldn't deal with the lies and stress? Why didn't the A end on its own? Why did you call the H? To ensure the AP doesn't call you and jeopardize your attempts to fix your life with your wife? Was the AP still in love with you when you decided to end it with the call to the H?

 

 

Did you call the H because you wanted to be a man with integrity again or was it fear that made you call?

 

 

You see the reasons for the call to the H tells a lot of your true intentions. If the call to the H was out of fear and to keep the AP from sabotaging your R, then it was for selfish reasons. Not really a man thing to do. You could have ended the A without calling the H. Ending the A for the right reasons (for integrity and honesty sake) is the action of a real man.

[Snowflower]

Ian, thank you for coming back and letting us know what you're planning to do. FWIW, I'm glad you are going to tell your wife about the call.

[ian1966]

Thanks everyone, your input has been invaluable to me in helping me help myself, and get my thinking straight.

 

Merry Christmas to all.

[tired girl]

Ian,

 

When you sit down to talk to your wife, try not to be defensive about the fact that this happened. Even if she gets angry. Just lay out the facts, why you didn't immediately hang up, and why you have waited to tell her. These will all be issues for her. They would be huge issues for me. And I can tell you that these are all things that my husband has already done to me. He has learned now that coming to me is the quickest route to dealing with things and to me NOT getting angry. Him avoiding things like this is, or lying about them is the quickest way for us to end up divorced at this point.

 

Regarding her calling and talking to the other BH, was NC ever officially established with your AP?

[ian1966]

Regarding her calling and talking to the other BH, was NC ever officially established with your AP?

 

Good question. Actually I don't know. From my side I learnt it all through LS, explained it to my W and she understood, to which I promised that I would never contact xAP by any means. This I have held true to.

 

xAP said she went through MC with her BH, so wouldn't that have established that from their side? i.e, surely MC would make that requirement clear, wouldn't it? I honestly dont know, but I would have thought that to be the case.

[Iguanna]

xOW's call and the affect it had (and still has) on you, it shows me that the affair is not forgotten by anyone. I'm saying this cause you said at the opening post that you never talk about the affair. You seem to me like a person who doesn't want to accept responsibility of his actions. You present it like the bad OW put some spells on you and you did what she wanted. The bad OW called you and made you ask how she is doing and wish her merry christmas, while on NC. And now you consider going to your wife and telling her to call OW's husband. You haven't even answered the question many asked you "why didn't you just hang up? why didn't you tell her, don't call me ever again"? Why? You said you are scared to piss her off in case she starts what? Calling again? Even if she does can't you deal with it? You want this to go away but it can't go away the way you want it. The way it will go away is discussing it with your wife. She will get upset, angry, sad, of course she will. But this is the consequences from your actions and if you love her as much as you say, you have to support her in this and not hide it from her. This is what a marriage is about, sharing bad and good moments.

[happy stillmore]

It sounds like NC was never instituted. AP was not told about the NC so she was not aware she was crossing a line. She is going to MC with her husband but counseling is just that. Counseling. They are both talking to someone for advice on their marriage and to determine whether to stay married. AP was not aware of the NC rules you set. NC must be mutually understood by both parties. Yes, it is understood the A is over but can't you be on civil terms? If the phone contact caused you so much stress, why didn't you just tell AP that? Very simple. Then AP would not call you again instead of making it sound like she was harrassing or imposing herself on you after being told not to. Oh, that is right. You never told her explicitly to NOT contact you.

 

Did you end the A abruptly with a call to AP's husband? Was she still in love with you? It makes a difference because she may have had genuine feelings for you which she has to deal with. Perhaps, she is trying to find closure. 7 months is not a long time. Was the ending of the A mutually agreed upon or was it solely of your doing? After your phone call to her H, AP may have come across as crazy after being hurt by you. She may have fallen for you and then you ended the A to save yourself at her expense.

 

I agree with iguana. You come across as not willing to accept fault in this situation. All you needed to do is be honest with AP. Tell her you are reconciling with your wife and you would appreciate if she no longer called you. It really does not have to be so dramatic. Seriously.

Edited December 23, 2013 by happy stillmore

[BrokenPrincess]

Wow so your xOW calls you to say merry Christmas (fishing attempt or not) but you still chatted with her, did not reinforce NC. So now you or even better your wife is going to call her H to tell him to put the reins on her to stop calling you? Geez. How about just stay NC and if she ever calls you again, tell her you are focusing on your M and please do not ever contact you again. Then if she violates, call her H or whatever enforcement tactics you need. But IMO it's wrong to make your wife and/or her H do the dirty work for you instead of standing up yourself and telling her you're in NC.

[janedoe67]

AP was not told about the NC so she was not aware she was crossing a line

 

Unless the AP is not very bright I am not buying this

[Snowflower]

 

xAP said she went through MC with her BH, so wouldn't that have established that from their side? i.e, surely MC would make that requirement clear, wouldn't it? I honestly dont know, but I would have thought that to be the case.

 

I wouldn't count on this. MC is meant to to heal and repair the marriage, improve communication, etc. The purpose of MC is not to discuss/require NC with the AP.

 

I don't know NC is so puzzling? The affair relationship is over.

[rumbleseat]

Unless the AP is not very bright I am not buying this

 

Agreed.

Besides, who the flip cares if the ow thought no contact had been instituted or not. Most people, with an ounce of sense,would see that an ex ow calling her former ap is a little ridiculous. Is she really that much of a dolt?

 

If she is repairing her marriage then why is she sneaking around calling you? Dollars to donuts her husband has zero idea she called you, and she's lying to him. I wonder what he'd think if he knew! Would he see it as some sort of innocent little phone call? Likely not.

 

Some piece of work she is. If I were you, I'd avoid her like the plague. After all, she's willing to put you in the position of either feeling like you have to lie to your w, or that you tell her the truth and it maybe hurts your reconciliation.

 

She sure sounds like a "nice" person ( sarcasm intended)

[Spark1111]

Ian, when you do tell your wife why not ASK HER how she wants to proceed?

 

Solicit her input as to how best handle your fOW.

 

Whatever plan is made, it MUST be done together or with the full support of each partner. if you call, she calls you both call.....it must be done within earshot of each other so there can be no he said, she said drama.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Who cares who ended it?

 

If the AP ended it, then 7 months out a WS called them to shoot the sh$t, almost every OWOM would say the exact same thing. They are fishing, who do they think they are, they are trying to reel you back in, they are being selfish...etc. And they would be RIGHT.

 

 

Closure is overrated. Most use it as an excuse to stay engaged.

[halfalive]

Ok, I get it.

 

I will tell her... after christmas day...

 

Some thoughts...

 

What if I called her H and told him directly to tell his fricken wife to stop calling me? Risky? Or more chicken-**** behavior on my part?

I know, gutless... just thought it could be stopped without involving my W.

 

... and tell my W that I would like her to call xAP's H and tell him?

 

having said that, YES, I will tell her...

 

 

Maybe put it like this, "Look, xxxxxx, I would like you to do me a favour. Would you mind calling xxxxx and asking him to tell his W to never call me again? because she called me last week, nothing but "how are you? merry christmas, etc" but still she should not break NC like that - ever".

 

 

 

I'm going to be the odd one out.

 

 

Because this just happened to me - I highly recommend that you DO NOT tell your spouse. As long as you are done with it, don't plan to have any further contact, I wouldn't tell her. I told my husband the next day and he blew up. It set us back to day one. He was crying, threatening to go see the OM, blaming me for the things I didn't say that I should've said. I wish I had just resolved everything in my own head and not told him. But that's just me.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I'm going to be the odd one out.

 

 

Because this just happened to me - I highly recommend that you DO NOT tell your spouse. As long as you are done with it, don't plan to have any further contact, I wouldn't tell her. I told my husband the next day and he blew up. It set us back to day one. He was crying, threatening to go see the OM, blaming me for the things I didn't say that I should've said. I wish I had just resolved everything in my own head and not told him. But that's just me.

 

This is how I felt early on but the further I got from it I realized how important it was. The not knowing is worse actually. Your husband got angry because he still doesn't trust. What would have happened had he found out three months down the road? It was much better for it to have come from you.

 

I understand so much of it is hard to plan for - especially if it is a surprise. But the right thing is to let your spouse know. I think Ian is still going to have a rough way to go because he didn't tell her right away and is waiting.

[happy stillmore]

Every situation is different and it is important to get the facts. I found some things odd with OP's behavior. Almost like he was pleasantly surprised AP called. Seriously, most who are in serious R would have been frank about how the situation is. One would say, "look, thanks for the call but you can't do this. I love my wife too much to threaten what we have, etc." Something along this lines.

 

Frankly, I'm shocked AP called the OP at all. She shouldn't have said Merry Christmas. It should have been expletives. She should never have lowered herself to talk to this "jerk." (Stay with me, you will see where I'm going with this.) You see, I had to get more details as things were not adding up so I read OP's story.

 

The following is OP's first post on loveshack:

 

I, MWS was in a 3 month affair with a MW, decided enough was enough and called my AP's husband and spilled the beans. One hell of a conversation lasting about 30 minutes.

Two reasons...

1. Tried once prior but succumbed to AP's crying on the phone and "fell back in", so I thought this way its definitely going to stop (which it did)

2. Sincerely felt for her H (yeah, I know, a bit late) and wanted him to know what sort of woman he was married to... and to ensure he kept her away from all contact with me.

I, MWS was in a 3 month affair with a MW, decided enough was enough and called my AP's husband and spilled the beans. One hell of a conversation lasting about 30 minutes.

So was I spiteful and vindictive doing that? Probably, at the time I wanted her to hurt as much as I was, as otherwise AP would have got away with it without consequence and most likely repeated her behavior with someone else (which the thought of really bugged me)

 

My theory is that the OP screwed the AP (no pun intended) over for selfish reasons. His wife found out about the A. He reports that he willingly told his wife every detail of the A. He may say he told his wife before being found out. I don't buy it. He was kicked out of the house for two months to "find himself." He was angry that his AP was not in the same miserable situation as him. He wanted the comforts of home again so he did everything possible to end the A. To get in his wife's good graces again, he had to prove the A was over. To do this, he had to stop AP's efforts to stay in the A as it risked his chances at R with wife and to live comfortably. He admits he succumbed to AP's tears at one time. (Example of his not accepting fault in the situation. AP has powers over OP, remember?) He hurt AP deeply.

 

My gut feeling is OP is actually relieved that AP doesn't hate him.

 

OP's statements (in bold) illustrate his true character. Every action is self-serving. OP even reported in his early posts to being reconciled in 3 months. Simply not possible. Heck, 7 months is still a short time to R.

 

I have never posted so negatively before but I do not trust you, OP. Your actions don't match your words. I really hope for your wife's sake, you sincerely love her. Because your actions show you have the ability to deceive and take revenge on AP. Selfish.

 

I

Edited December 24, 2013 by happy stillmore

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Interesting theory and may be true.

[sweet_pea]

What does any of that have to do with the thread? What are you trying to prove exactly? (Not trying to be mean, but just unsure of what his original love shack posts have to do with this thread is all)

[happy stillmore]

The OP's behavior was questionable in response to a call from the AP. It didn't make sense that OP would act the way he did when he professed to be fully in R. OP called the AP's H to solely benefit himself. The manner that he did it was heartless.

 

Why would he be so nice to a person who would threaten the R? Guilt?

Edited December 24, 2013 by happy stillmore

[ian1966]

My W did know all about the A way before it came to DDay. Buy it or not.

 

She allowed me to make a decision on who I wanted to be with.

I quickly came to my senses and told her I wanted to be with her.

I wrote an NC letter to AP.

AP called me, crying... and foolishly I let her back in.

AP's H did not know about A at this point.

 

W found out, gave me an ultimatum.

I called APs H, which abruptly ended the A.

 

Ap (now) is not mad at me at all.

 

Recent call from her was cordial, non-threatening and I dont believe fishing.

I believe we have all grown past this, and she was seriously only asking if I was OK. Nothing more. There is no animosity. But neither is there any hint of emotion apart from how one human would care about another human that shared a (small) part of their life, albeit intimately.

 

I think you people all think there is some kind of desire between us for each other. There is not. Perhaps this is unusual, as so many threads I read are about the fear/threat of resumption of the A. In my case there is not and there will never be. I have learnt and grown greatly from this experience as (I believe) has xAP.

 

My W however would believe there was, naturally.

 

Maybe my circumstances differ from the vast majority.

 

This is why I am reluctant to tell W, as I sincerely see no threat in it at all.

No, I'm not being naive.

[happy stillmore]

I still don't get it. Living a life of deception. Tell your wife then. That is what marriage is about. No secrets. It still doesn't make sense to why she would call you when you did that to her.

 

By the way, who am I to judge? Only you know what is in your heart. Others have to go with what they see. I was just looking at your actions.

 

Please explain "at the time I wanted her to hurt as much as I was, as otherwise AP would have got away with it without consequence and most likely repeated her behavior with someone else (which the thought of really bugged me)"

 

NOW you are saying that you wrote a NC letter to AP. Before you weren't sure if AP was aware of NC. You wondered if the MC talked to her about NC.

Edited December 24, 2013 by happy stillmore