Should I tell my BS that my AP broke NC?

[Zenstudent]

Of course because on its face NC is a ridiculous (outside) demand on two people that are in a relationship. I understand the reasons for the demand, but that doesn't make it any less ridiculous.

 

You can go look over at the other forum and find thread after thread and post after post about how NC makes the AP pine for the other AP. It is an unnatural ending to a real relationship.

Yes, I agree. I also think that OP should end the relationship in a more natural way - set his wife free with a divorce so he can chat with OW all day, and never tell a soul about it, if that's his desire.

[Realist3]

Yes, I agree. I also think that OP should end the relationship in a more natural way - set his wife free with a divorce so he can chat with OW all day, and never tell a soul about it, if that's his desire.

 

 

lol... I'm not sure he has to set his wife free, but BS's need to understand that for a relationship to end there is going to be contact in some form or fashion. Yes, it may take a few months, but it has to die its natural death; not some arbitrary demand.

[katielee]

Yeah, I wouldn't be waiting around for my husband to end his relationship with his girlfriend.

[Realist3]

Yeah, I wouldn't be waiting around for my husband to end his relationship with his girlfriend.

 

You probably would be anyway, you just wouldn't know about it; just like you didn't know about the affair before it was discovered.

[rumbleseat]

lol... I'm not sure he has to set his wife free, but BS's need to understand that for a relationship to end there is going to be contact in some form or fashion. Yes, it may take a few months, but it has to die its natural death; not some arbitrary demand.

 

And ws need to understand the importance of honesty. This seems to be something you can't understand, and as you haven't experienced a true and honest reconciliation, I would tend to take any advice from you with a grain of salt.

 

I don't know about anyone else, but if have had relationships end before I was ready, and I didn't start calling the guy up, I didn't contact him months later to say "merry Christmas", and I didn't try to infringe on his new relationship.

 

It was over, and I had no implicit " right to closure" or anything else. He had made his choice, and whether I liked it or not, I needed to respect it.

 

 

While a ws can't help if his former ow tries to contact him, he can choose how he handles it. He can tell her that there is nothing left to say, that he doesn't wish to ever hear from her again, and that her contact is not welcomed. He can then tell his w about it and it can be discussed and dealt with. This is part of rebuilding trust between them.

 

An ow may find this tack to be very unfair to them, as they feel they need " closure" . Maybe they are right, but the truth of an affair is that the whole thing is unfair. The end is no different. If they can't let go, they need to find other ways to deal with their pain. A mm has every right to say that he no longer wants to hear from her, and that needs to be respected. The same would hold true if the marriage ends and he ends up with the ow. Is it okay for his ex wife to keep trying to contact him?

I would suspect most ow would say "no".

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

Once the affair is discovered, it is much harder for the cheater to keep the affair hidden. If you look at the way it seems most affairs are perpetuated, it is based on the trust of the loyal spouse, the signs of cheating are there, the loyal spouse just discounts because of the trust they have. Once the cheating is discovered, that trust is gone and everything becomes suspect.

 

 

The issue on this thread is not so much that the no contact was broken, but that the cheater didn't tell his wife about it right away. By waiting, the wife, who at this point has lost all trust and is ultra-suspicious, will think there is more to it than there really is, that he is only coming clean because he was about to be outed anyway. The thing about the cheating is that it makes the betrayed spouse doubt everything, and it takes a while of open and honest behavior to build that back up.

 

 

I would expect contact after D-day, but if my spouse wanted to make it work, I would expect her to tell me, and I also wouldn't expect it to last for months. Maybe once or twice. I've been involved in a lot of relationships, it never took me months or even weeks once I decided I wanted to be out of one. My observation is that when people want a relationship to end, it ends fairly quickly, with one or two last goodbyes. Now if my spouse wanted to continue the relationship with other man, and didn't want to end it, that is a different story. Then she should continue the relationship for a few months, but don't expect me to wait it out while she does. I will be gone.

 

 

When you see the betrayed spouses wait it out, put up with D-day after D-day, continual lies, then you know the betrayed spouse has some self-esteem and self-respect issues, and/or they are in really bad situation financially and just can't extricate themselves at that moment. Usually the former.

 

 

The cheaters have their own issues. Books have been written about this stuff. All of us humans have our issues, and so do our spouses, but it is how we choose to deal with them that separates us.

[Realist3]

And ws need to understand the importance of honesty. This seems to be something you can't understand, and as you haven't experienced a true and honest reconciliation, I would tend to take any advice from you with a grain of salt.

 

I don't know about anyone else, but if have had relationships end before I was ready, and I didn't start calling the guy up, I didn't contact him months later to say "merry Christmas", and I didn't try to infringe on his new relationship.

 

It was over, and I had no implicit " right to closure" or anything else. He had made his choice, and whether I liked it or not, I needed to respect it.

 

 

While a ws can't help if his former ow tries to contact him, he can choose how he handles it. He can tell her that there is nothing left to say, that he doesn't wish to ever hear from her again, and that her contact is not welcomed. He can then tell his w about it and it can be discussed and dealt with. This is part of rebuilding trust between them.

 

An ow may find this tack to be very unfair to them, as they feel they need " closure" . Maybe they are right, but the truth of an affair is that the whole thing is unfair. The end is no different. If they can't let go, they need to find other ways to deal with their pain. A mm has every right to say that he no longer wants to hear from her, and that needs to be respected. The same would hold true if the marriage ends and he ends up with the ow. Is it okay for his ex wife to keep trying to contact him?

I would suspect most ow would say "no".

 

You are missing the whole point.

 

When a third party, the BS, insists on NC it is an unnatural ending to the A relationship. Many things are left un-said. They will be said though even though you may not be aware of them. This has nothing to do with fairness. Life is not fair.

 

If anyone thinks they can order someone else(WS) not to contact an intimate partner after d-day and expect it to stick, they are fooling themselves.

[jnel921]

NC means NC.

 

Why is this woman's number not blocked from your phone? Even if she wanted to say merry xmas or hello, why do you care to hear it?

 

Taking those calls means there is still an interest.

 

Who know what the conversation really was. If my H told me he took a call I would probably have put him out. What is the point in having any conversation?

 

As soon as you heard her voice you should have hung up.

 

As the BS here I don't believe in the holiday check ins or yearly follow ups or whatever the hell any WS/OP believes they should have when they have done messed up other people's lives.

 

You say you want to fix your marriage. Then mean it.

[tired girl]

You are missing the whole point.

 

When a third party, the BS, insists on NC it is an unnatural ending to the A relationship. Many things are left un-said. They will be said though even though you may not be aware of them. This has nothing to do with fairness. Life is not fair.

 

If anyone thinks they can order someone else(WS) not to contact an intimate partner after d-day and expect it to stick, they are fooling themselves.

 

No, you are missing the point. What is unnatural is an A in a marriage. If a WS wants to save the marriage they do what it takes to save it. Otherwise the BS walks. Very simple.

[jnel921]

You are missing the whole point.

 

When a third party, the BS, insists on NC it is an unnatural ending to the A relationship. Many things are left un-said. They will be said though even though you may not be aware of them. This has nothing to do with fairness. Life is not fair.

 

If anyone thinks they can order someone else(WS) not to contact an intimate partner after d-day and expect it to stick, they are fooling themselves.

 

Unnatural would be a person thinking they can f*** around on their spouse and call it a meaningful relationship that needs proper closer.

 

What in all of this is proper? What else needs to be said? Life isn't fair you say?

 

You know what is not fair. A loving spouse who took all of the vows and made the promise to love and honor someone who clearly didn't give a crap about them. Oh and I am supposed to step aside and let him release some more unfinished feelings and words with this OP he decided he needed to screw on the side and have a parallel life with because oh let's see.....I am a fool?? Seriously?

 

NC is not an order. It's necessary! if the WS is honest and wants to R and expects their M to work. Then it means the focus is now on your BS and your M.

 

If the WS cannot do this then they should consider leaving the M as they clearly cannot let go of the OP.

[katielee]

If anyone thinks they can order someone else(WS) not to contact an intimate partner after d-day and expect it to stick, they are fooling themselves.

 

order someone? I would demand it. Or I'm gone. The WS would be left the fool, trying to get closure on something that shouldn't have existed in the first place.

There was no relationship - just an ego feeding mirroring that they are addicted to. Not gonna stay around and watch that.

[anne1707]

You are missing the whole point.

 

When a third party, the BS, insists on NC it is an unnatural ending to the A relationship. Many things are left un-said. They will be said though even though you may not be aware of them. This has nothing to do with fairness. Life is not fair.

 

If anyone thinks they can order someone else(WS) not to contact an intimate partner after d-day and expect it to stick, they are fooling themselves.

 

You have failed to miss the point that NC is recommended on this site not just in affairs but in other relationships that end too. It is a means to healing, recovery and actually a form of respect IMO for oneself and for the other person. As for an affair situation, anybody with an ounce of common sense and sensitivity would see that any continued contact between the WS and the AP is totally wrong if reconciliation of the marriage is the aim. I know some talk of closure. Well I call BS on that (and you know which BS I mean). "Closure" is just a self-serving, egotistical, over-romanticising excuse for more cr*ppy behaviour.

 

You also fail to see that adults do not order each other around the way you would like to portray it (to the detriment of the BS as per usual). The BS will most likely insist that NC is a condition of reconciliation. The WS can then choose whether to accept that perfectly reasonable, understandable condition. Or they can choose to walk away. Nobody is forced to do anything they don't want to do.

[Zenstudent]

You have failed to miss the point that NC is recommended on this site not just in affairs but in other relationships that end too. It is a means to healing, recovery and actually a form of respect IMO for oneself and for the other person. As for an affair situation, anybody with an ounce of common sense and sensitivity would see that any continued contact between the WS and the AP is totally wrong if reconciliation of the marriage is the aim. I know some talk of closure. Well I call BS on that (and you know which BS I mean). "Closure" is just a self-serving, egotistical, over-romanticising excuse for more cr*ppy behaviour.

 

You also fail to see that adults do not order each other around the way you would like to portray it (to the detriment of the BS as per usual). The BS will most likely insist that NC is a condition of reconciliation. The WS can then choose whether to accept that perfectly reasonable, understandable condition. Or they can choose to walk away. Nobody is forced to do anything they don't want to do.

Very well said, it's really simple and easy if you think about it.

 

OP; you just need to ask yourself this: "Who do I really wanna be?" And then act accordingly.

Edited December 29, 2013 by Zenstudent

[experiencethedevine]

You are missing the whole point.

 

When a third party, the BS, insists on NC it is an unnatural ending to the A relationship. Many things are left un-said. They will be said though even though you may not be aware of them. This has nothing to do with fairness. Life is not fair.

 

If anyone thinks they can order someone else(WS) not to contact an intimate partner after d-day and expect it to stick, they are fooling themselves.

 

 

 

 

 

The 'fool' in the whole pathetic saga of an illicit affair is predominantly the WS who thinks that it will all be wonderfully bubbly and nice and nothing bad will ever happen because they won't be found out and they are having such a wonderful time getting everything they want at the expense of their wife/husband. What tosh.

 

 

The BS on dday has every right to know that there is no longer any contact, and every right to 'demand' that any attempts by either of the professional liars to contact each other be revealed immediately.

 

 

Just as the BS has every right to demand justice financially and legally, and the adulterers to both be made responsible if divorce is inevitable.

[Realist3]

No, you are missing the point. What is unnatural is an A in a marriage. If a WS wants to save the marriage they do what it takes to save it. Otherwise the BS walks. Very simple.

 

If the WS was so worried about the marriage they would not have the affair in the first place.

 

There is nothing unnatural about an affair; hey have been going on since the beginning of time. People seek out other partners when their needs are not being met within the existing relationship. Totally natural.

 

The WS can agree to that, but it is all a ruse to placate the BS.

[anne1707]

The WS can agree to that, but it is all a ruse to placate the BS.

 

That might be the case for some WS but there will also be plenty of other WS who do NC because they want to, because they want their marriage to continue, not the affair.

[Realist3]

order someone? I would demand it. Or I'm gone. The WS would be left the fool, trying to get closure on something that shouldn't have existed in the first place.

There was no relationship - just an ego feeding mirroring that they are addicted to. Not gonna stay around and watch that.

 

You won't see it at all. Of course they will say they aren't, but it is not going to instantly cease because of demands made. It is far too easy to take any communication further underground. It may not be as it was before, but it is not going to end the second a BS says, "No more." It is a relationship and they will contact each other at some point.

[Realist3]

That might be the case for some WS but there will also be plenty of other WS who do NC because they want to, because they want their marriage to continue, not the affair.

 

 

I agree with that, but as mentioned before nearly 100% of WS do not follow NC.

[anne1707]

I agree with that, but as mentioned before nearly 100% of WS do not follow NC.

 

Maybe initially but eventually....

 

Sorry Realist but I think you need to live up to your user name. You may not care that much about your wife and you are certainly not remorseful. But there are plenty of fWS who do love their BS and will willingly do the hard work it takes to reconcile.

[Journee]

I agree with that, but as mentioned before nearly 100% of WS do not follow NC.

 

But...I thought all AP's and WS's were all different? That all A's were unique like snowflakes and that the length of the A's, the intensity, the nature, the circumstances of the M play a role in how the AP's feel about one another and the A? So nearly every single MP is madly engrossed in their A and all BS will continually be made fools of? Good to know. Regardless of any of the circumstances mentioned. Even better to know.

 

The WS on here that want to save their marriage should just give up and the idiot BS should serve divorce papers with the coffee and cake tonight.

 

This is much simpler than I thought.

[experiencethedevine]

I agree with that, but as mentioned before nearly 100% of WS do not follow NC.

 

 

And your assumption on the percentage of this is based on what evidence?................

[violet1]

I agree with that, but as mentioned before nearly 100% of WS do not follow NC.

 

I cheated, ended my affair, never caught, planning divorce and I don't agree with this. I believe most affairs are more like addictions than anything else. My exMOM once said, "I don't drink, I don't smoke, but you are like my drug. I'm so addicted to you." It's hard, but it's never impossible to quit anything cold turkey. It really just depends on the WS. Some truly feel like their choice to have an affair was a horrible decision. They regret it and are willing to do anything to make things right with their BS.

 

Realist, I think the issue is; you don't regret your affair so it's difficult to understand those who do. I don't regret my affair either because it helped me realize how dead my M really is. Now, I'm planning divorce and being single. My experiences are different, but I do believe that there are truly remorseful WS's. I also believe the OP has stuck to NC and was blind sided by the exOW's call. Honestly, it would be better if he did tell his wife, but I do understand if he doesn't.

[rumbleseat]

I agree with that, but as mentioned before nearly 100% of WS do not follow NC.

 

I think you are projecting yourself and your own morals onto others. Bad form, sir, bad form. Not everyone is as dishonest as you.

 

I know you may find it difficult to believe , but there are ws out there who truly are remorseful. They feel terrible that they hurt their spouse and they are ready and willing to do the work that it will take to rebuild the sense of trust that should exist in a m.

 

These people will be open and honest with their bs, even (gasp!) going as far as to tell their bs if they feel a need to contact their ex ow or ex om to have a final conversation. Some bs will be okay wih that, some not, as is their perogative.

 

When it comes to reconciliation, the bs has every right to demand that certain conditions be met, otherwise they will choose to end the marriage. The ws can choose to agree with those conditions or they can leave.

 

Of course, some ws will continue to sneak and lie, but to say that all do it is projection. Perhaps you would, but please don't paint all ws the same brush as yourself.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

I think most of you would say "Yes", however please consider

 

- A has been over well and truly for 7 mths

- have had complete NC up until the brief call

- BS and I have reconciled quite well (yes, I know 7mths is not long enough to say "reconciled" but she is happy, never a mention of A, we went through all the stages (7) and she has complete trust in me, I showed extreme remorse and have / am fulfilling all the requirements for successful R)

- The call from AP (who is married and is also reconciling with her BS so she says) was just a "Hi how are you? Merry Xmas" with NO plans made or emotional talk.

- If I do tell my BS will likely flip out and think something is being planned, which will definately re-ignite triggers and could threaten our R....

 

So, do I tell?

 

 

 

What are you going to do, Ian?

 

 

At this point, having waited this long, your wife likely will think there was something more. If you had told her right away, she probably would realize there was not much you could do, perhaps she would have preferred that you just hang up instead of exchanging pleasantries.

 

 

Even if you don't tell your wife, it might be a good idea to bring up to her what she would prefer you do if the affair partner calls and you answer without knowing. Just hang up? Tell your wife immediately? See what she says. If you are not going to tell her the truth now, you would have to figure out a way to see what she thinks.

 

 

"just to say hi how are you" is what is referred to as a fishing expedition. The purpose is to gauge the other party's willingness to re-start the affair, or because the other party has feelings for you they just can't get over. When you are over someone, you generally don't keep calling them seven months later to say "hi how are you?" I have had many girlfriends, many serious, and once we broke up, neither of us called each other seven months later "JUST" to say hi - the caller was looking to start something back up.

[ian1966]

It would appease all (nearly) of you if I said I was going to tell my W.

And I truly was going to when I said that in a previous post.

 

However, I have thought long and hard about it, weighed up the pros and cons, risks and possible outcome scenarios and on the balance of probablities I have decided that I am not going to tell.

 

xAP has not called since that call (Ok its only been a week or so).

 

I have taken extreme measures to prove my remorse and committment to my W since then. (Actually she is not my W but very long term GF, as you all no doubt know as you refer to much earlier thread so much).

 

I have transferred all assets to her. I have no ownership over anything anymore. She could dump me and legally keep the lot, leaving me with nothing.

 

Stupid? Well, thats the depth of my trust and loyalty to her.

 

So don't preach to me about remorse or commitment, or about any chance of me resarting anything with xAP. Its not gonna happen.