Should I tell my BS that my AP broke NC?

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

Ian, I can see it from both sides, as, I think, can you. You have to do what you think is best. The fact that telling her vs. not telling her troubled you and you gave both sides serious consideration is, in my opinion, a good sign. I hope everything continues to go well for you.

[katielee]

[quote=ian1966;5430413

 

However, I have thought long and hard about it, weighed up the pros and cons, risks and possible outcome scenarios and on the balance of probablities I have decided that I am not going to tell.

.

 

This is all about you making decisions for someone else, of which you have no right.

[Zenstudent]

It would appease all (nearly) of you if I said I was going to tell my W.

And I truly was going to when I said that in a previous post.

 

However, I have thought long and hard about it, weighed up the pros and cons, risks and possible outcome scenarios and on the balance of probablities I have decided that I am not going to tell.

 

xAP has not called since that call (Ok its only been a week or so).

 

I have taken extreme measures to prove my remorse and committment to my W since then. (Actually she is not my W but very long term GF, as you all no doubt know as you refer to much earlier thread so much).

 

I have transferred all assets to her. I have no ownership over anything anymore. She could dump me and legally keep the lot, leaving me with nothing.

 

Stupid? Well, thats the depth of my trust and loyalty to her.

 

So don't preach to me about remorse or commitment, or about any chance of me resarting anything with xAP. Its not gonna happen.

Ian, can I ask you something since you have finally decided that your GF doesn't deserve the truth about her relationship with you.

 

What will you do, if GF ask you if you have been contacted by OW? Lie?

 

Is this who you really wanna be - not ever being able to talk about everything with your life partner?

 

Is it something you do in other human relations and situations - making decissions for other people because you believe they can't handle the situation or the truth?

 

Do you think you're either better than her, or that you're not good enough for her if you're genuine?

[ian1966]

Its all so easy for you lot isn't it?

 

Theory vs practice / reality.

 

In theory I agree with you in that I should tell, and allow her to decide what happens.

 

In reality though, NOTHING HAS HAPPENED between xAP and me.

 

Its not as though anything has restarted.

 

A short phone call. Big deal. I have decided that if she ever calls again, I WILL BE PREPARED and recite 'the script' , you know, dont ever call again, etc...

 

BTW, if I take all your advise and tell, and she kicks my as* to the curb, I lose her, my family, everything I (did) own... my life would be destroyed.

 

Can I then come back here and say "thanks" ? Will you all say, "well, you got what you deserved?" you did the right thing..... ?

 

Scr*w that. Can you not see the huge penalty I would pay?

 

If xAP ever calls again, I'll let y'all know... Come on people, I made a mistake in my handling of the call, yes. I won't make that mistake again.

 

You dont know my GF... I do. I have worked too hard on our R since the A to risk it over a damn phone call.

[Realist3]

Its all so easy for you lot isn't it?

 

Theory vs practice / reality.

 

In theory I agree with you in that I should tell, and allow her to decide what happens.

 

In reality though, NOTHING HAS HAPPENED between xAP and me.

 

Its not as though anything has restarted.

 

A short phone call. Big deal. I have decided that if she ever calls again, I WILL BE PREPARED and recite 'the script' , you know, dont ever call again, etc...

 

BTW, if I take all your advise and tell, and she kicks my as* to the curb, I lose her, my family, everything I (did) own... my life would be destroyed.

 

Can I then come back here and say "thanks" ? Will you all say, "well, you got what you deserved?" you did the right thing..... ?

 

Scr*w that. Can you not see the huge penalty I would pay?

 

If xAP ever calls again, I'll let y'all know... Come on people, I made a mistake in my handling of the call, yes. I won't make that mistake again.

 

You dont know my GF... I do. I have worked too hard on our R since the A to risk it over a damn phone call.

 

I think you made the correct decision for everyone involved. Best of luck.

[Realist3]

I think you are projecting yourself and your own morals onto others. Bad form, sir, bad form. Not everyone is as dishonest as you.

 

I know you may find it difficult to believe , but there are ws out there who truly are remorseful. They feel terrible that they hurt their spouse and they are ready and willing to do the work that it will take to rebuild the sense of trust that should exist in a m.

 

These people will be open and honest with their bs, even (gasp!) going as far as to tell their bs if they feel a need to contact their ex ow or ex om to have a final conversation. Some bs will be okay wih that, some not, as is their perogative.

 

When it comes to reconciliation, the bs has every right to demand that certain conditions be met, otherwise they will choose to end the marriage. The ws can choose to agree with those conditions or they can leave.

 

Of course, some ws will continue to sneak and lie, but to say that all do it is projection. Perhaps you would, but please don't paint all ws the same brush as yourself.

 

 

You are misunderstanding what I said. I totally agree that their are WS's that are truly remorseful and want no part of the affair after a d-day. At the same time, the ending is not of their own decision, ad in most cases such as described one AP or the other will reach out; not necessarily to re-start the A, but as an attempt to make things 'right' between them.

 

What I am saying has nothing to do with sneaking and lying, it has to do with ending a relationship on their own terms, not the BS's since the BS was never part of the relationship in the first place.

[Realist3]

But...I thought all AP's and WS's were all different? That all A's were unique like snowflakes and that the length of the A's, the intensity, the nature, the circumstances of the M play a role in how the AP's feel about one another and the A? So nearly every single MP is madly engrossed in their A and all BS will continually be made fools of? Good to know. Regardless of any of the circumstances mentioned. Even better to know.

 

The WS on here that want to save their marriage should just give up and the idiot BS should serve divorce papers with the coffee and cake tonight.

 

This is much simpler than I thought.

 

They are certainly all unique. Breaking NC demands is in no way making a fool of anyone. All I said was the person expecting NC were only fooling themselves.

 

What some BS's don't want to come to grips with is that there is a real relationship going on in an affair. Just because that affair gets exposed does not mean the relationship suddenly ends because the BS makes some demand. It simply doesn't.

 

I never said the BS should not suggest/demand NC, but to expect it to be a reality is not living in the real world. If they never have contact again, great. If they do, it is not the end of the world either.

[sweet_pea]

Ian, I was really hoping you would be honest with your wife. You say that you've weighed the risks but in reality, you have not. You are risking much more by not being honest with her. What if xAP's husband contacts your wife and tells her of the call? Then what will you do? You are looking at this from the short term perspective rather than the long term. If you tell her, yes, she will be mad in the short term view of things and could you blame her? However by being honest, you will show her you are trust worthy which will benefit your relationship long term. Please rethink about telling her. Would hate to see you back here in however long telling us that you and your wife are splitting up because she found out about the contact. Think about her, not just yourself.

[dreamingoftigers]

Its all so easy for you lot isn't it?

 

Theory vs practice / reality.

 

In theory I agree with you in that I should tell, and allow her to decide what happens.

 

In reality though, NOTHING HAS HAPPENED between xAP and me.

 

Its not as though anything has restarted.

 

A short phone call. Big deal. I have decided that if she ever calls again, I WILL BE PREPARED and recite 'the script' , you know, dont ever call again, etc...

 

BTW, if I take all your advise and tell, and she kicks my as* to the curb, I lose her, my family, everything I (did) own... my life would be destroyed.

 

Can I then come back here and say "thanks" ? Will you all say, "well, you got what you deserved?" you did the right thing..... ?

 

Scr*w that. Can you not see the huge penalty I would pay?

 

If xAP ever calls again, I'll let y'all know... Come on people, I made a mistake in my handling of the call, yes. I won't make that mistake again.

 

You dont know my GF... I do. I have worked too hard on our R since the A to risk it over a damn phone call.

 

Ian.

 

Ive been through five years of Hell with my husband. Not one day was easy.

 

However, it has been an exceptional journey in personal growth.

 

I've learned that my coping skills define my relationships and my life in general.

 

It's pretty clear that when you are scared or anxious you lie or hide things even when it is in your best interest not to.

 

If you dont trust your BS to be able to handle this reasonably, you'll most likely "protect" her from it and end up resenting her for it. It seems that you've already set yourself up at a very large disadvantage to almost "buy yourself a ticket" to your coping skill.

 

For example "i already gave up my assets and did a big huge reconciliation job. That should entitle me to be scared and dishonest once in awhile. Im already "sorry" and "feel bad" enough.

 

So many WS voice how they are "already sorry" and "feel really bad."

 

Well, honestly, I would bet the farm that if your spouse was asked "do you want all of his assets or the truth from him?" She would probably vote for the latter. Having a partner who doesnt shoot straight robs you of peace of mind.

 

I would rather live in a cardboard box with a spouse that was honest with me than a deceiver in a mansion.

 

Ironically, i've done both and i stand by that statement.

 

Furthermore, if you need to cover something this brief to keep things "running smooth" you havent come anywhere near as far as you might think.

 

It happens. Im discovering that i am far behind where i thought i would be coping-wise.

 

Best of luck. I hope that you dont learn this life lesson the hard way. Like when your wifes cousin turns out to know OW and mentions the phone call etc.

[katielee]

Ian- you asked if it was easy for the rest of us. I'm a former WW who had to tell her husband she had slept with another guy. I figured I would lose my family and finances..., still not a good enough excuse not to tell. And it was the first step on my road to living with integrity.

[violet1]

Its all so easy for you lot isn't it?

 

Theory vs practice / reality.

 

In theory I agree with you in that I should tell, and allow her to decide what happens.

 

In reality though, NOTHING HAS HAPPENED between xAP and me.

 

Its not as though anything has restarted.

 

A short phone call. Big deal. I have decided that if she ever calls again, I WILL BE PREPARED and recite 'the script' , you know, dont ever call again, etc...

 

BTW, if I take all your advise and tell, and she kicks my as* to the curb, I lose her, my family, everything I (did) own... my life would be destroyed.

 

Can I then come back here and say "thanks" ? Will you all say, "well, you got what you deserved?" you did the right thing..... ?

 

Scr*w that. Can you not see the huge penalty I would pay?

 

If xAP ever calls again, I'll let y'all know... Come on people, I made a mistake in my handling of the call, yes. I won't make that mistake again.

 

You dont know my GF... I do. I have worked too hard on our R since the A to risk it over a damn phone call.

 

Since you made an agreement with your wife, you should probably tell her the exAP called. However, I understand why you've chosen not to. In SOME cases, things are better left unsaid. When my H cheated on me many years ago, I have no clue if the ex OW called after I found out. I do know he never saw her because I watched him like a hawk. I'm actually glad he didn't tell me if she did call because knowing myself as well as I do, I would have obsessed over a stupid phone call. I also don't believe that everyone can handle all truths.

 

This is not a popular opinion, but I didn't think the phone call sounded like a fishing expedition. If the two of you were friends before the affair started, it is very possible she was just thinking about you and wanted to wish you Merry Christmas. she shouldn't have called, but everyone doesn't do things with bad intentions. I do agree that if she calls again, you do need to let her know not to call again though. I completely understand being unexpectedly blind sided. In your mind, you have it all planned out on what you'd say, but when it unexpectedly happens, it's a different story. I think a lot of posters are turning this into something bigger than it really is. I don't understand how you're taking any options away from your wife. You have no intentions of restarting the affair. The only thing you did wrong was answer your work phone? Just remember you know your situation better than anyone else here. I wish you the best!

[violet1]

Ian- you asked if it was easy for the rest of us. I'm a former WW who had to tell her husband she had slept with another guy. I figured I would lose my family and finances..., still not a good enough excuse not to tell. And it was the first step on my road to living with integrity.

 

How does this have anything to do with his CURRENT situation? He already had a DDay and is in R. He didn't initiate contact with the ex AP. All he did is answer his darn work phone. Sheesh!

[katielee]

Because he's implying that the rest of us are giving advice but don't have to follow it. I did. Many waywards posting on this thread.

And it points to the bigger problem here, continued conflict avoidance and a need to step towards intimacy.

If his wife knew he was stilling keeping things from her, doubt she'd feel safe in the marrisge. I maintain she had a right to know her SO is exchanging pleasantries with his former affair partner.

[anne1707]

Because he's implying that the rest of us are giving advice but don't have to follow it. I did. Many waywards posting on this thread.

And it points to the bigger problem here, continued conflict avoidance and a need to step towards intimacy.

If his wife knew he was stilling keeping things from her, doubt she'd feel safe in the marrisge. I maintain she had a right to know her SO is exchanging pleasantries with his former affair partner.

 

Exactly Katie. There are plenty of WS who have gone through the reconciliation process (as I have) who have advised the OP that honesty is what is needed here. If he had told his wife straight away, it would not be the potential drama it has now become. It has now become another lie and another promise broken. I think the only WS who are encouraging the OP not to be honest are those who are still in tbe affair.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Since you made an agreement with your wife, you should probably tell her the exAP called. However, I understand why you've chosen not to. In SOME cases, things are better left unsaid. When my H cheated on me many years ago, I have no clue if the ex OW called after I found out. I do know he never saw her because I watched him like a hawk. I'm actually glad he didn't tell me if she did call because knowing myself as well as I do, I would have obsessed over a stupid phone call. I also don't believe that everyone can handle all truths.

 

This is not a popular opinion, but I didn't think the phone call sounded like a fishing expedition. If the two of you were friends before the affair started, it is very possible she was just thinking about you and wanted to wish you Merry Christmas. she shouldn't have called, but everyone doesn't do things with bad intentions. I do agree that if she calls again, you do need to let her know not to call again though. I completely understand being unexpectedly blind sided. In your mind, you have it all planned out on what you'd say, but when it unexpectedly happens, it's a different story. I think a lot of posters are turning this into something bigger than it really is. I don't understand how you're taking any options away from your wife. You have no intentions of restarting the affair. The only thing you did wrong was answer your work phone? Just remember you know your situation better than anyone else here. I wish you the best!

 

 

Violet - while I can completely understand what you are saying and it might very well be harmless - then the question becomes "If it's harmless, why not tell her?" This makes no sense to me at all.

 

 

Ian - I think I might have stated this in a previous post, I don't remember. But I am a FMOW and a BS. My husband's XMOW called him in January of last year and the day after showed up at his office (I was on a trip during that time and she apparently knew it). He did not tell me until three months later and the only reason why he did was I had received an anonymous letter in the mail that was nasty and he made the assumption it was either her or my XMOM's wife. When I asked why he would think it was his XMOW he then told me about the phone call.

 

 

I did not care that she called, really - I cared that he didn't tell me she called. He just didn't want to deal with it - he said it wasn't anything to him and he didn't want me worried. Well, guess what? I did then. Because my mind kept questioning what was said in that 3 minute phone call. If had told me right away, I wouldn't have felt that way. But because he waited, I still have questions about it and I don't trust him. Especially since I just ran into her in the store last week and she gave me some bizarre smile like she knew something I did not know.

 

 

Although I understand what you are saying, THIS WILL COME OUT!!!. I don't mean to alarm you, but I do - lol. Secrets are never good. It will not be good for you if this comes out later down the road, believe me. What if her BS is watching her and knows about the phone call and decides to call your wife? Is that how you want it coming out?

 

 

In the end, it's your call, but know that there are so many of us that have been down this same road and this is why we are here - to help you navigate this. With the exception of really one person that is currently in an affair and a BS that maybe thinks differently, the majority of us are advising you to tell her for a reason.

 

 

Thank about it...

[violet1]

Violet - while I can completely understand what you are saying and it might very well be harmless - then the question becomes "If it's harmless, why not tell her?" This makes no sense to me at all.

 

 

Ian - I think I might have stated this in a previous post, I don't remember. But I am a FMOW and a BS. My husband's XMOW called him in January of last year and the day after showed up at his office (I was on a trip during that time and she apparently knew it). He did not tell me until three months later and the only reason why he did was I had received an anonymous letter in the mail that was nasty and he made the assumption it was either her or my XMOM's wife. When I asked why he would think it was his XMOW he then told me about the phone call.

 

 

I did not care that she called, really - I cared that he didn't tell me she called. He just didn't want to deal with it - he said it wasn't anything to him and he didn't want me worried. Well, guess what? I did then. Because my mind kept questioning what was said in that 3 minute phone call. If had told me right away, I wouldn't have felt that way. But because he waited, I still have questions about it and I don't trust him. Especially since I just ran into her in the store last week and she gave me some bizarre smile like she knew something I did not know.

 

 

Although I understand what you are saying, THIS WILL COME OUT!!!. I don't mean to alarm you, but I do - lol. Secrets are never good. It will not be good for you if this comes out later down the road, believe me. What if her BS is watching her and knows about the phone call and decides to call your wife? Is that how you want it coming out?

 

 

In the end, it's your call, but know that there are so many of us that have been down this same road and this is why we are here - to help you navigate this. With the exception of really one person that is currently in an affair and a BS that maybe thinks differently, the majority of us are advising you to tell her for a reason.

 

 

Thank about it...

 

I already stated that I do think he should tell because he made an agreement with his wife that he will. I do understand why he's chosen not to. I may have cheated, but I went through R with my H many years ago. Personally, I couldn't have handled the truth IF the exOW had called. His cheating caused me to be a bit insecure and obsessive. If the exOW had called and I had known, it would have intensified my behavior. All I'm saying is not all BS's can handle ALL details. We are all not the same. He knows his wife and situation better than any of us do. The fact is, it's is life and he has to live with the consequences if his wife finds out. I guess if that happens, everyone here can jump on the "I told you so" wagon.

[Zenstudent]

Its all so easy for you lot isn't it?

 

Theory vs practice / reality.

 

In theory I agree with you in that I should tell, and allow her to decide what happens.

 

In reality though, NOTHING HAS HAPPENED between xAP and me.

 

Its not as though anything has restarted.

 

A short phone call. Big deal. I have decided that if she ever calls again, I WILL BE PREPARED and recite 'the script' , you know, dont ever call again, etc...

 

BTW, if I take all your advise and tell, and she kicks my as* to the curb, I lose her, my family, everything I (did) own... my life would be destroyed.

 

Can I then come back here and say "thanks" ? Will you all say, "well, you got what you deserved?" you did the right thing..... ?

 

Scr*w that. Can you not see the huge penalty I would pay?

 

If xAP ever calls again, I'll let y'all know... Come on people, I made a mistake in my handling of the call, yes. I won't make that mistake again.

 

You dont know my GF... I do. I have worked too hard on our R since the A to risk it over a damn phone call.

It seems you got angry instead of thinking about what I actually wrote to you. Instead you list all the negative impact that telling her would have... on you and your life.

 

I don't know why you have convinced yourself that the phonecall is the issue here - it's not. It's whether you wanna be an honest person or not - if you wanna live your life with integrity or not. If you'll respect your GF's right to make decissions about her own life herself.

 

You're absolutely right that nothing happened - because nothing has changed, you still choose the dishonest way of dealing with yourself and your relationship. You still think it's all about you. That's your choice of course, and I have no part of the outcome, it's just sad if your GF got the impression that you changed after the affair.

 

Well, good luck with the cover up I guess.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I already stated that I do think he should tell because he made an agreement with his wife that he will. I do understand why he's chosen not to. I may have cheated, but I went through R with my H many years ago. Personally, I couldn't have handled the truth IF the exOW had called. His cheating caused me to be a bit insecure and obsessive. If the exOW had called and I had known, it would have intensified my behavior. All I'm saying is not all BS's can handle ALL details. We are all not the same. He knows his wife and situation better than any of us do. The fact is, it's is life and he has to live with the consequences if his wife finds out. I guess if that happens, everyone here can jump on the "I told you so" wagon.

 

 

 

I understand what you are saying. And I would never, ever jump on the "I told you so" wagon - I have learned way too much throughout my ordeal to ever do that to anyone.

 

 

In the end it's his choice. My gut is, if it blows (and I think it will), he won't be back to tell us...

[Bittersweetie]

I don't know why you have convinced yourself that the phonecall is the issue here - it's not. It's whether you wanna be an honest person or not - if you wanna live your life with integrity or not.

 

Exactly. The issue is no longer the phone call. The issue is living as an honest person with integrity. Which one cannot do if one lies by omission.

 

Good luck.

[whichwayisup]

I understand what you are saying. And I would never, ever jump on the "I told you so" wagon - I have learned way too much throughout my ordeal to ever do that to anyone.

 

 

In the end it's his choice. My gut is, if it blows (and I think it will), he won't be back to tell us...

 

Nah, I give him kudos for sticking to what he wants to do even if most disagree with how he's going about it. I believe he knows this place is helpful and most would support him if this blows up in his face, he'll come back here regardless.

[Oldspiceywolf]

It's his life, he's gotta do what he thinks is right, he's put a lot on the line to stay in this relationship and he doesn't want to risk it on a phone call he didn't make or even have control in taking. I know everytime exAp called me from a blocked number I felt like I was punched in the gut, deer caught in the headlights, all I could do is react.

He needed input, he got it and sometimes practicality wins out over what most would call she moral decision. It's never black or white in my opinion, OP has to do what he feels is the right things for him, it might be a tad on the selfish side but I'm not gonna call him a dirtbag!

[Artie Lang]

the thing is, he left the door open for further communication by engaging his fAP. i say again, there is no reason for even a "hello" at this point- no reason at all; at the sound of her voice, he should've just hung up.

 

obviously, this woman has not moved on form this and still thinks of him. why feed her ego kibble by engaging her in conversation, no matter how short and matter-of-fact it was? this only encourages her to do it again.

 

this is like pulling a scab. it's never gonna heal as long as you pick at it.

Edited December 31, 2013 by Artie Lang

[whichwayisup]

It's his life, he's gotta do what he thinks is right, he's put a lot on the line to stay in this relationship and he doesn't want to risk it on a phone call he didn't make or even have control in taking. I know everytime exAp called me from a blocked number I felt like I was punched in the gut, deer caught in the headlights, all I could do is react.

He needed input, he got it and sometimes practicality wins out over what most would call she moral decision. It's never black or white in my opinion, OP has to do what he feels is the right things for him, it might be a tad on the selfish side but I'm not gonna call him a dirtbag!

 

Yes he didn't make the call, but he certainly didn't make it clear to the xMOW that her call was wrong and unwelcome. Instead they had a nice friendly chat when they were supposed to be in NC mode. He made a mistake by chatting with her, no doubt about that, let's just say if she calls again and his wife finds out about both calls, he's dead meat. That's what the on going consquences of having an affair does though... Now it's up to him how he handles ANY MORE future contact. He can still be friendly to the exMOW or he can ignore her, tell her to leave him alone.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Yes he didn't make the call, but he certainly didn't make it clear to the xMOW that her call was wrong and unwelcome. Instead they had a nice friendly chat when they were supposed to be in NC mode. He made a mistake by chatting with her, no doubt about that, let's just say if she calls again and his wife finds out about both calls, he's dead meat. That's what the on going consquences of having an affair does though... Now it's up to him how he handles ANY MORE future contact. He can still be friendly to the exMOW or he can ignore her, tell her to leave him alone.

 

My husband did exactly the same thing. He didn't hang up or even tell her not to call again. He chatted with her. Now, I believe he was probably shocked when he said "hello" and there she was - that I believe. So sometimes things like that catch you off guard and you don't react the way you think you would or should. So that part I get. And honestly I don't think I would have had a problem with it HAD HE TOLD ME. That is the point.

[Try]

If xAP ever calls again, I'll let y'all know... Come on people, I made a mistake in my handling of the call, yes. I won't make that mistake again.

 

You dont know my GF... I do. I have worked too hard on our R since the A to risk it over a damn phone call.

Right now if she finds out about the call without you being the one to tell her, you are done almost for sure. If on the other hand you tell her correctly, your odds are better.

 

You should tell her something to the effect of "I have honored no contact, but the other women did not". "She surprised me when she called me to wish me a Merry X-mas, and I reflex responded." "I was caught off-guard and we ended the call so quickly, that I regret that I did not have a chance to tell her that no contact means no contact and for her not to contact me again." "I did not tell you sooner as I did not wish to dampen the holidays for us, but I now would like your permission to send her a no contact letter that you can review before I send it." "The old me would not have told you about the call, but the new me wants to earn your trust." "I am sorry that you must deal with this BS, I know that it is not fair." She will be mad that you were polite with the other women, but if you make no excuses and are forthright, yours odds should be pretty good.

Edited December 31, 2013 by Try