New here and very confused about the future

[n8chr]

Hi everyone,

 

I'm new to this forum and just need someone to talk to who has been in my situation.

 

30 year marriage is on the rocks bc H had an A with OW who is also a co-worker. My gut told me there was an A but I had no concrete evidence until the 5th of December.

 

Confronted him and he lied. Confronted them both, and they both lied. But I had email evidence. Finally he confessed.

 

The heartache of being betrayed especially after so long is just agonizing. He has apologized and wants to come back, reconcile, work on things to make it better, etc. etc.

 

So now the dilemma is for me to decide if I can take him back, do I want to? I asked him what is it about our marriage that is worth saving? He said we care about each other. Is that enough? Unlike many on this forum, I can't say I love him. Yes, I care just like I would for anyone - friend, roommate, sibling. But that is not what a marriage is supposed to be.

 

We have had a history of a rocky marriage. So how can this ever begin to be fixed?

 

I asked him to write a letter to end things completely (even though he told me it was over and he had ended things). Then to call her (while I am listening) and tell her/read to her what is in the letter. He said he would but that was 3-4 days ago. I am not going to nag him about showing me that he is sincere in his efforts. Actions speak louder than words. I am waiting for the action.

 

How have some of you dealt with a similar situation? Did you take him back? Why? How did you ever have sexual relations again (not that we had much to begin with)? If we didn't have much intimacy and now we don't have trust, what do we have that is worth saving other than 30 years of memories? Is that enough?

 

Talk to me.

[KissMyTiara]

30 years? Wow. Congrats on making it that far!

 

Do you have children? Before you found out about H's A, if someone asked you "do you want to be with this man for the rest of your life?", what would you have said?

[n8chr]

Great question....difficult answer.

 

I have two beautiful grown daughters. They were understandably hurt when their dad told them he had been having an A for almost 2 years. Took a lot of guts on his part to say.

 

They talked a lot to him over the last week and have started moving past the initial hurt.

 

On the other hand, I haven't. What would I have said if someone asked me if I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him? I would say I don't know. If things continued the way they were going with no intimacy, no interest in each other, no communication, then no I would not want to spend the rest of my life with him. But when I did try to discuss our problems, he would either say he was happy or he would get mad.

 

The kind, considerate, and interested communication he was having with the OW is what I want. His intimacy with her is what I want. Why couldn't he have talked with me and together we could have worked out our difficulties before he screwed up and had an A? Do I want to be the second choice now after all these years? Do I want to be reminded in my mind that I am old and maybe not so pretty while he tells me she isn't too bad to look at? OMG it just hurts so much. Did I waste my 30 years for this? I didn't and don't deserve to feel this way. But a month from now, two weeks from now, a year from now, will I think differently? I don't want to make a huge mistake and end our marriage just because my heart is broken. But I just don't see a future without this hurt just eating away at me.

 

How have others coped with this pain?

[cetl9]

if you've had a rocky marriage for the last 30 years, what's kept you together over the rocks? i've been in the opposite situation, and we managed to get through it. infidelity isn't ( or shouldn't ) be all it's cracked up to be, wether you look at it from your point of view, his, or the other W.

 

 

on an unrelated note, do you think this was his first time? sounds to me like the old hound just got lazy/cocky.

[Ladyjane14]

It's perfectly okay to step back from making this decision just now. He hasn't given you any concrete reasons why he wants to continue the marriage yet. If he can't do that, how can you make a decision? You don't know what his level of committment would be.

 

Also, he's obviously been disengaged from the marriage for the past two years while he was involved in the affair. How could you not feel "disengaged" from him?

 

It is possible that your feelings of love for him could return. It's also possible that they won't. Sometimes they are BLOCKED by years of anger and resentment. Sometimes they are gone.

 

It's too soon to tell.

[StillHurtin]

I am so very sorry you are going through this. My H and I had been married almost 11 years and 2gether 13 when he had his A w/ a co-worker. Like you, we had a rocky marriage also. He wanted sex all the time but I was never in the mood. I worked long hours at a stressful job and we have two children. When I was done w/ work all I wanted to do was make supper, do dishes, and go to bed and sleep, not have sex. I was satisfied w/ our sex life but I didn't want it as much as him (he wanted it at least two or three times a week, for me every two weeks was fine). We fought a lot about money, sex, him being gone a lot playing sports w/ his friends. He hardly helped around the house, so of course I nagged and b!tched a lot.

 

Him and the OW had been working 2gether for 3 years. She flirted w/ H a lot, but then again she flirted w/ every guy she worked w/. She knew he was married, had children, she even tried being my friend. Every time I went to see him at work she would come over and talk to me. The last time (b4 the A) she literally ran out of the office and chased me down to talk to me. She even put her arm around my neck and hugged me!!! She followed me into H's office and kept talking. She wouldn't shut the he!! up! I couldn't get away from her. I went to leave and she continued to follow me, talking to me. I was going nuts. I am too nice of a person. I can't just say "Get the he!! away from me you skank! You want my H and you are standing her trying to be my friend!" Not like me to be that way.

Sorry, you probably don't need all the details of the A. To get to your question. After his short A w/ her (about 3 months) our children and I moved away back to my hometown he called begging me to take him back, said he'd change, made the stupidest mistake of his life, said he only had the A w/ her b/c she paid attention to him and I never did. What a lame a$$ excuse. Anyhoo, for several weeks I kept telling him that I will not take him back. Our marriage was rocky and having him have an A just made it even worse. I did love him, wanted to spend the rest of my life (happily) w/ him, and the A tore me apart. I have never felt so much pain in my life. The A happened two years ago and we are still working on our marriage. Have things improved? Not as much as I would like, no, but they have.

 

My advice to you is to seek marriage counseling. Have you tried a seperation yet? Maybe you need to have seperate and seek marriage counseling to see if you marriage can survive. I wish you the best.

[MT]

Been there and had it done to me. The best thing you can do for your marriage is to go to a counselor together. Be prepared to hear comments from your husband that you thought were insignificant in the past but they were seeds of affair.

 

The counselor will ask key questions such as "why did you marry in the first place" and "do you want to rebuild the marriage". Both of you hearing each others answers will provide a direction.

 

Be patient and don't expect instant results. The affair was gradual and so will the recovery.

[Owl]

Been married 17 years, and last Spring my wife had an online emotional affair. Not physical, so dealing with some of the issues for us will have been different from some of what you're going through...but a lot of the same issues as well. And had the affair not been found out as early as it had, I've no doubt that it would have become physical as well.

 

That emotional intimacy that you wish your husband had spent on YOU sounds very familiar...trust me.

 

As far as deciding what's next...Ladyjane is right in saying that you don't have to make a decision right now on that. Right now, the hurt and betrayel is still very fresh in your mind, and it's going to be hard to make a choice that's not tinged with that.

 

As far as re-building your marriage, there are a few things that you really should stop and think about. You mentioned that your marriage has always been rocky. What have you two done to fix THAT?? Prior to the affair, I mean. While I am NOT saying what your husband did was at all justified, the affair may have been his way of dealing with (avoiding) the issues that have plagued your marriage all along.

 

Counseling. Both of you need to go...and I'd recommend both marriage counseling for the two of you, and possibly individual counseling for you both if it can be done. You need to start working out what your marriage has been lacking all of these years, and start fixing it (if that's your goal). It sounds as though you've not been able to do that up to now...so perhaps counseling would help you.

 

As far as dealing with the pain of the affair...you can recover from it. But it takes work, and it takes time. My wife and I WILL make it. But we're still dealing with things. But, if you both work at it, you both can get past it and fix your marriage. The first step is DECIDING if that's what you want to do or not.

 

Good luck!!

[only1life]

Sorry to hear this. You've got a tough time ahead of you. Been there, I know.

 

You've got decisions to make. Counseling can help, but make sure you get a counselor who has experience with the complexities of an affair. Most marriage counselors do not, and therefore don't really understand what you are really going thru.

 

As an alternate, there's a book titled "After the Affair" by Janis Spring, which is an easy read, and will help you put your situation in perspective, and help you make the decisions which you are now facing. It's cheap (about $10) and an easy to read paperback. Suggested.

 

Good luck.

[nowherefast]

Just a note to say, you're definitely not alone, I am going through something very similar right now. I have been trying to decide for the last 6 mos whether I should go or stay.

 

We had been seeing a marriage counselor. He had been a pastor for 20 years turned therapist. Has not really been a positive experience. He just asked every time, well how y'all doing today and made friendly chat. He told me that if I wanted to fulfill my sexual needs by having sex with my husband that would be normal and OK, but then later said that if I had sex with him then I would be condoning his actions and have no grounds for divorce in my state. What?? Just be careful of your choices. The therapist also asked me in a couples session if I thought that I had married a saint, like what did I expect? everybody does it. Well, my H had been spending our money and his weekends the last 6 years with prostitutes all over the world. Made easy by his frequent travelling for work. One was just 30 minutes from our house though, he has been seeing her for the longest. She thinks he is a great guy. I know because I have been e-mailing her as him to get info. But I don't think he qualifies for sainthood.

 

He says that he is done with that, and part of me really does believe him. However, I have learned in this forum that being in love with someone requires you to be emotionally invested in them. That's something I'm not willing to or can't do. Why would I? Thirteen years of this stuff is enough. Even though I have every right to feel this way, I am a little guilty too.

 

He is holding my hand, being attentive, never travelling, helping out with the kids, bringing me flowers, asking me to spend time with him. I'm just really not interested in investing anymore time, energy or emotion in him. Partly because I am always wondering what's going to happen next. Last night I had a dream that not only he has sex with prostitutes but also men and then in my dream I found out that he was having sex with monkeys too!!! I know this sounds like I am going crazy but, I guess subconciously I'm still so shocked at his actions. I was in a real love with him, but now I know that I'm really out of love with him too.

 

How can I really forgive, love or trust after this?? But I wish him the best and hope that in his next relationship (3rd marriage) he can get it together. I guess this time it will end in mediation or in court.