Can A Marriage Survive After Serving Papers ?

[george roy]

Hi everyone.

 

Long story short, I served my wife with divorce papers last week, because I'd had enough.

 

She kept saying she wanted to work on the marriage. But her behavior never changed. And every time we saw the therapist, I was always blamed for things. She never talked about her infidelity.

I've never laid a hand on my wife in anger. And her perception of anything she thinks I've done is just that, perception.

 

I realize there are two sides to every story, but I'm trying to be as accurate as possible.

 

She now claims that this is not what she wants. But she is angry about being served, feels I've been manipulative, and that there's no going back.

 

Her thought is that now the gauntlet has been thrown down, this is it.

 

I'm willing to listen to anything she has to say.

 

Can a marriage survive after serving divorce papers ?

 

Any input and advice is appreciated.

[d0nnivain]

If both spouses take responsibility for what went wrong and both work to fix the problems, I think a marriage can be fixed at any point. However, I don't see where your wife is doing anything but blaming you & whining. She's not doing anything constructive or helpful. So under those circumstances, no I don't think your marriage can be saved, despite all the efforts you have made to do so.

[M30USA]

My ex wife gave me the same crap during our divorce process: "It takes two willing people to make a marriage work." Meanwhile she refused to make any changes herself and refused to admit any fault. Basically her saying that was just another scheme to make me do all the "compromising" while her role in the compromise, I suppose, was to begrudgingly...painstakingly...ALLOW me to make all my changes. She couldn't even admit she messed up after she assaulted me with a wooden board and beat my ass. What a rough life for her. Sorry but I opted out of that charade.

[george roy]

If both spouses take responsibility for what went wrong and both work to fix the problems, I think a marriage can be fixed at any point. However, I don't see where your wife is doing anything but blaming you & whining. She's not doing anything constructive or helpful. So under those circumstances, no I don't think your marriage can be saved, despite all the efforts you have made to do so.

 

This has been going on for at least a couple of months now. And she's never taken ownership of anything. Somehow, it's always back on me.

 

And I've changed some of the things that she considers problems. But I've seen no real changes on her end.

It's one thing to leave work early to come home and hang out with me and the kids. It's another when you always leave work early, but 4 out of the 5 days you're hanging out with Mr. Wonderful.

 

I'm not perfect, but I've not done anything to lead to an affair.

 

I would be willing to listen to anything, but I think you're right, d0nnivain.

 

It would take a LOT to find the road back.

 

And right now, I don't see her willing to travel down that road.

[george roy]

My ex wife gave me the same crap during our divorce process: "It takes two willing people to make a marriage work." Meanwhile she refused to make any changes herself and refused to admit any fault. Basically her saying that was just another scheme to make me do all the "compromising" while her role in the compromise, I suppose, was to begrudgingly...painstakingly...ALLOW me to make all my changes. She couldn't even admit she messed up after she assaulted me with a wooden board and beat my ass. What a rough life for her. Sorry but I opted out of that charade.

 

That's about what I'm dealing with.

 

She's never apologized for any of this. And somehow it's my fault.

 

That, her threats of divorce, and a missing weekend finally pushed me over the edge. I'd already spoken to an attorney, and the missing weekend was the final straw. So I signed papers, and had them served a few days later.

 

She seems to think I've been scheming this the entire time.

When HER behavior pushed me to it.

 

Now she claims she doesn't want a divorce.

 

Then she'd better be willing to make some SERIOUS changes to her lifestyle.

[JohnMcClaine]

She never talked about her infidelity.

 

If she was unfaithful, why would you even want the marriage to survive??

[M30USA]

Question to OP:

 

If you were a woman, what incentive would YOU have to change? None! If I were a woman, I wouldn't change either!

 

Society puts no expectations on women. Everything is the responsibility of the man. If a women hits a man, it's his fault for driving her to that point. If a woman cheats on a man, it's his fault for neglecting her. If HE cheats, he is a "pig" and nobody questions the woman. If a man divorces his wife, she gets at least half his stuff no questions asked. If a woman divorces HIM, she gets half his stuff no questions asked--even if SHE cheated, beat him, etc.

 

So let me ask you: if YOU were a woman, would YOU change? No you wouldn't. Humans are selfish and corrupt in nature. ANY person who is not held accountable will act the same way.

 

Good luck.

[RightThere]

Can a marriage survive after serving divorce papers ?

 

I think a better question is do you want the marriage to survive? I'm sure you are probably on both sides of the fence, but are you considering reconciliation still, or have you actually had enough and want to divorce?

 

But the short answer to you question is yes. And it is in a better spot to survive because you served her (I know that sounds crazy).

 

Hi everyone.

She kept saying she wanted to work on the marriage. But her behavior never changed. And every time we saw the therapist, I was always blamed for things. She never talked about her infidelity.

 

She now claims that this is not what she wants. But she is angry about being served, feels I've been manipulative, and that there's no going back.

 

These are all indications of someone who is talking the talk, but not walking the walk. Therapy (even couples therapy) should always focus on yourself and not what the other person did or didn't do. Because she keep focusing on you, blaming you, ignoring her own faults (including the infidelity) she is not taking responsibility for her faults in the marriage.

 

She didn't want you to file because her situation was still easy as nothing was her fault or her responsibility. So by filing, you are forcing her to start taking some responsibilities for things.

 

So you did the right thing based on your situation. Congrats.

[george roy]

If she was unfaithful, why would you even want the marriage to survive??

 

People make mistakes.

 

Mistakes can be forgiven. If there are changes.

[JohnMcClaine]

People make mistakes.

 

Mistakes can be forgiven. If there are changes.

 

Cheating on someone is not a mistake. Have some dignity.

[RightThere]

Cheating on someone is not a mistake. Have some dignity.

 

Cheating is not a mistake? I'm a betrayed spouse and even I don't buy that for a minute.

 

If your argument is that cheating is a choice, not a mistake, then fine. Cheating is a choice. The wrong choice. People make all kinds of wrong choices in life. But they can be forgiven.

[RightThere]

People make mistakes.

 

Mistakes can be forgiven. If there are changes.

 

That is the most important part of your statement. And your actions show that you believe it, so good for you.

[george roy]

I think a better question is do you want the marriage to survive? I'm sure you are probably on both sides of the fence, but are you considering reconciliation still, or have you actually had enough and want to divorce?

 

But the short answer to you question is yes. And it is in a better spot to survive because you served her (I know that sounds crazy).

 

Her behavior wasn't changing, and frankly, why should it ? Here I am, taking care of the kids and the household, with no pushback.

Hey, it's my fault, right ?

 

And for a while I bought into that. But then you hit a point where you say to yourself, whatever you think I did, doesn't make THIS right.

 

And when I filed, I had had enough. Enough of the "don't worry about it" when I would ask about where she was, or who she was with.

The final straw was the missing weekend. That she claims to have gotten drunk and sick. Not a good combination when you're on an anti-depressant.

 

And as silly as it may seem, I'd be willing to consider reconciliation.

 

But there would have to be a lot of changes.

 

These are all indications of someone who is talking the talk, but not walking the walk. Therapy (even couples therapy) should always focus on yourself and not what the other person did or didn't do. Because she keep focusing on you, blaming you, ignoring her own faults (including the infidelity) she is not taking responsibility for her faults in the marriage.

 

She didn't want you to file because her situation was still easy as nothing was her fault or her responsibility. So by filing, you are forcing her to start taking some responsibilities for things.

 

So you did the right thing based on your situation. Congrats.

 

Correct. She's never taken responsibility for any of it.

 

No guarantees, but if she really doesn't want this as she claims, she needs to own up for some things.

 

If she's willing to take responsibility, I'm willing to reconsider.

[JohnMcClaine]

Cheating is not a mistake? I'm a betrayed spouse and even I don't buy that for a minute.

 

It's mind boggling to me how so many people on this forum reconcile with cheating partners. I mean, if this was middle school I suppose I could understand. I could not imagine having such little self-worth. Your partner made a concious decision to literally destroy what you two have and you forgive them and stay together? What planet am I on?

 

I'm thankful that when I went through this I didn't have any children. But at least if I had, they would've been taught the important lesson that you leave someone when they cheat on you.

[M30USA]

That is the most important part of your statement. And your actions show that you believe it, so good for you.

 

Even the Bible tells us that without repentance there can be no salvation. It's a fault of the modern church for deceiving people into believing that God will accept you "just the way you are" and that you can keep living as you've always lived. No. God demands repentance. This isn't "legalism", it's the words of Jesus Christ, himself: "Unless ye repent, ye shall all likewise perish!"

Edited December 20, 2013 by M30USA

[RightThere]

It's mind boggling to me how so many people on this forum reconcile with cheating partners. I mean, if this was middle school I suppose I could understand. I could not imagine having such little self-worth. Your partner made a concious decision to literally destroy what you two have and you forgive them and stay together? What planet am I on?

 

I'm thankful that when I went through this I didn't have any children. But at least if I had, they would've been taught the important lesson that you leave someone when they cheat on you.

 

Well then congrats on your choice. But just because you decided not to reconcile doesn't mean everyone should have the same belief that infidelity is a deal breaker in all relationships.

 

If I was married (again) and found out my wife thought "Everybody Love Raymond" was a funny a witty show, I would divorce her on the spot, no questions asked. (Seriously, I would do it).

 

That doesn't mean planet earth needs to follow the same rules.

[george roy]

I could listen to whatever she had to say.

 

But taking ownership would be the first step for her if, as she claims, she doesn't want this.

 

That doesn't guarantee that I will take her back with open arms.

 

In hindsight, I think filing and having her served has sort of leveled the playing field.

[JohnMcClaine]

Well then congrats on your choice. But just because you decided not to reconcile doesn't mean everyone should have the same belief that infidelity is a deal breaker in all relationships.

 

If I was married (again) and found out my wife thought "Everybody Love Raymond" was a funny a witty show, I would divorce her on the spot, no questions asked. (Seriously, I would do it).

 

That doesn't mean planet earth needs to follow the same rules.

 

Considering that watching a TV show is not the most universally antagonistic act against a relationship, like cheating is, I'm not sure that's a fair comparison. But whatever you need to tell yourself. It's not so much having the same belief as me, it's actually just having any dignity whatsoever.

[RightThere]

Considering that watching a TV show is not the most universally antagonistic act against a relationship, like cheating is, I'm not sure that's a fair comparison. But whatever you need to tell yourself. It's not so much having the same belief as me, it's actually just having any dignity whatsoever.

 

Are you kidding? Have you actually seen the show? If I was captured by terrorists and forced to watch as torture either that or my STBXW's porno tape with one of her other men, I would go back and forth on it.

 

In all seriousness, you're right though. People shouldn't be allowed to decide if they reconcile after an affair. If you could put together a list of all the other things that we shouldn't have a choice about, it would be really helpful to me.

[JohnMcClaine]

In all seriousness, you're right though. People shouldn't be allowed to decide if they reconcile after an affair. If you could put together a list of all the other things that we shouldn't have a choice about, it would be really helpful to me.

 

Dignity.

 

If you have it, you move on from the piece of **** that just, in sober conscience, destroyed your relationship and you go find someone who *gasp* doesn't do that.

 

If you don't have it, then go ahead and take them back. Though I have no idea how someone sleeps at night knowing their partner made love to someone else during the course of their relationship.

 

I understand being in denial about this is hard, but that's life.

[TheBladeRunner]

I think it could survive if both parties were willing to work on the issues. I served mine early despite what she (the WW) wanted. She was stunned that I had papers drawn up before I even left, but at that point I did not trust her and I not only needed to protect myself but my parental rights as well.

 

Serving her early was probably the "nail in the coffin" for her, but I didn't want to be her "second choice" or even worse her doormat. I hope for everyone that faces infidelity they can work it out; I could not due to the fact that she wasn't willing to own any of what happened. Get used to it folks.....the "A" was ALL your fault.....it was all my fault too.....yeah right .

 

I took this Bruce Fisher Divorce Rebuilding class and the woman that ran it was full of statistics. I asked how long it takes the WS to admit to what happened and at least acknowledge what they have done? She said on average it takes the WS 6 - 8 years before they finally realize what they have done.....mine may never do it.

[RightThere]

I asked how long it takes the WS to admit to what happened and at least acknowledge what they have done? She said on average it takes the WS 6 - 8 years before they finally realize what they have done.....mine may never do it.

 

Wow. Amazing that someone could go that long without any introspective searching. I guess it would make sense if the WS often ended up with their affair partner after the divorce. I know my STBXW is still getting constant lathering from her other man to continue the "fog". However I know his personality and he requires the same kind of constant affection. He can't survive constantly giving and not getting. And my STBXW does not give in the same quantity she requires.

 

So it makes sense that she'll continue to go a long time without owning up to anything she did. Good thing I'm not waiting for it.

[george roy]

... she'll continue to go a long time without owning up to anything she did. Good thing I'm not waiting for it.

 

^^^ This ^^^

 

I've filed. I have no problem following through.

 

If she wants to repair the marriage, well then, it's time to own up to a few things.

 

And I'm not waiting 6-8 years for it.

[littlejaz]

Dignity.

 

If you have it, you move on from the piece of **** that just, in sober conscience, destroyed your relationship and you go find someone who *gasp* doesn't do that.

 

If you don't have it, then go ahead and take them back. Though I have no idea how someone sleeps at night knowing their partner made love to someone else during the course of their relationship.

 

I understand being in denial about this is hard, but that's life.

 

 

I get what you are saying, I feel the same about my marriage, he cheated and that was it, but there were a lot of other problems besides the infidelity. But I do understand that not people see it that way and if they can work it out that is up to them and I don't think it should be a measure of their dignity. There are many couples out there that have worked through infidelity and say they now have a stronger relationship, so power to them. Live and let live.

[JohnMcClaine]

There are many couples out there that have worked through infidelity and say they now have a stronger relationship

 

And you believe that? Lol.