What should I think? Ex boyfriend visiting....

[fishman3226]

Hi all...

 

I have an issue where my current pregnant girlfriend has had an ex boyfriend come over.

 

Now he has been someone that she was with 10 years go but he has been (according to her) something in her head for the past 10 years that caused the end of her mariage and caused problems in other relationships.

 

Last Easter they spent a weekend away (call it a dirty weekend) and she attempted to rekindle the romance afterwards. I met her when she was coming to term with it and saw how upset she was about it all which leads to my concerns.

 

Also he 'supposedly' did not know about her feelingas for him - I aint a brain surgeon but when an ex girlfriend organises a dirty weekend away you sort of wonder.... He is either completely stupid or a liar (I believe the liar bit.)

 

Anyhow, he came down from Sydney to Melbourne the past few days. It always seems that no matter what all stops come out for this guy. Originally he was coming down to stay for a few days and my gf said he could stay at her place. To her credit she said that she would stay at mine whilst he was down. She said that she was 'brought up' to acomodate people that are travelling - it is just what she does. I dont buy that belief - fine for a friend but if it effects your significant other you simply DONT DO IT.

 

Anyways, I was forthright in saying how i dont like this situation but she insists there is nothing there anymore emotionally. She views him as a friend. She tells me there is nothing there anymore but I cant not be concerned. She says that they both dont have that attachment anymore. She says I am 'insecure' about me and her - and that i dont trust her and that I dont understand him nor that she would not put herself into a situation where she could compromise things. I suppose to an extent with this guy I dont considering the history and other 'little' things - like her motorbike has to be fixed up cause he is coming down (on his) and the way she speaks to him on the phone. I have not seen them together (and I wont) so I dont know what else goes on.

 

Main grief I suppose is that I really feel like I am supposed to 'forfeit' my concerns and feelings - like she expect me to go 'ok, this guy is coming, you cannot feel about it. love it or not - i dont care.'

 

We got into a HUGE fight about it all - screaming about it yesterday and well she is here now (asleep.) He is going today from her place so thankfully that bit is gone for now. Still, I wonder what happens when she gets back on emails and so on to him and vice versa.

 

I feel like I am tested by this - like I have to act a certain way in her eyes that to be honest feels irrational. I dont think being concerned about a relationship with a woman I love carrying my child when an ex boyfriend comes along is irrational. Nor do I think that leaving the past where it is is irrational either. I think she should forget him and leave him in her past not current.

 

She swears that I am the only one and I believe her. I trust her but not him. She seems blind to him using her up. I said that I dont want to have a situation where he 'changes his mind' and wants her again and for her to have to make a decision.

 

Am I being irrational? What is a normal thought her?

[LucreziaBorgia]

I don't think you are being irrational. She has spent all these years trying to have this man who will not have her. It sounds like she still has a vacant spot in her heart with his name on it. She says that its 'just friends', but it sounds more like 'just friends because he won't give her his heart' - particularly since he is the cause of her past relationship problems. Her unrequited and unresolved feelings for him aren't likely to go away after more than a decade, and the 'just friends' thing might be her way of keeping the hope alive in any way possible. It might explain why she was so insistent about him staying in her place, and 'pulling out all the stops' when he comes around.

 

You can ask her to tell you the truth, but in preservation of her relationship with you and the fact that she carries your child - there is very little chance you'll get it. You are her support system, her security, her partner - but that doesn't erase the fact that this guy still has a place in her heart.

 

As for the visit, did you suggest that this guy could easily stay in a hotel? I am a little suspicious of people who do things with complete disregard and lack of concern for the partner's wishes - she should have at least been willing to compromise.

 

This bit concerns me too:

 

I have not seen them together (and I wont)

 

This guy comes to visit, staying at her house and your wife goes out alone with him? Is that your choice or hers?

[cetl9]

sorry bud, she's using you as a foil against him. leverage so to speak. and i'd have that baby dna tested too.

 

 

if you don't jettison her, you're in for a world of hurt, and likely a stalker at some point. i don't envy you your immediate future, or your past.

 

of course this all goes out the window if you're into it. in which case, enjoy.

 

good luck.

[Ladyjane14]

It's completely possible that she just wants to be friends at this point. She just hasn't walked-a-mile-in-your-shoes yet. If it were YOU making accommodations for an old flame, how would she feel?

 

Girls can be naive like that. They don't see the snake in the grass sometimes. Fighting with her about it will just make you look irrational and controlling, though.

 

Talking about it in a manner that will help her understand your feelings is better. Take a time out if the discussion gets heated.

 

It's perfectly okay to set boundaries and let her know what you really can, and can't tolerate. And it's okay to outline for her what the consequences will be if she lets her friendship get out of hand.

 

Hopefully, she'll grow up a little........and soon! Her behavior is immature.

[fishman3226]

Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia

 

This guy comes to visit, staying at her house and your wife goes out alone with him? Is that your choice or hers?

 

Not my choice but then again what can I do? I mean if I stop her I am seen as controlling and so on.

 

I completely agree with compromise - and I have said when we get our place together there is NO WAY he will stay over.

[StillHurtin]

I agree w/ the other replies. Sounds like she is still hanging onto him in hopes that maybe he will want her back. Did you ask her how she would feel if you had an ex GF staying at your place. I know I wouldn't like it. It is one thing to be friends and talk when they run into eachother but to keep in contact w/ him on this level isn't right. Sorry you are going through this. Hope she realizes what she is doing isn't fair to you.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Originally posted by fishman3226

Not my choice but then again what can I do? I mean if I stop her I am seen as controlling and so on.

 

Now I know for sure something is up. When she is seeing this guy and pointedly excluding you, you can bet there is a reason for it. I can see how preventing her from seeing him might be seen as controlling if she was truly 'just friends' with no question of romantic involvement. This does not appear to be the case. She is trying to convince you that there is something wrong with you - that you are paranoid, or what not.

 

That's one of the main ways a person tries to hide an affair, or an intent to have an affair.

 

They try to make you seem jealous, controlling and unreasonable - so that you have no choice but to agree to let them have the freedom to do what they want. Then they will take that freedom and abuse it. She basically used emotional trickery to manipulate you into allowing her ex boyfriend to come, stay at her place, and spend time with her alone (while deliberately leaving you out).

 

Now the question is: what to do. She has no intention of changing on her own. You'll have to take some firm steps if you want change. It will be hard because of pregnancy (and the tendency to mess with moods and hormones) - a child in this situation is probably the saddest part. You two will have to decide whether to stay together as a couple and raise your child, or raise your child as parenting partners only. She has to understand that the child she is carrying bonds her to you no matter what. You have as much right to be a parent to your child as she does. The hard part is figuring out how that's going to happen in light of the situation.

[jmargel]

Dude, you aren't controlling her by expressing your feelings. She has a right to go see him if she wishes, HOWEVER, you have a right to end the relationship. If you told her how you felt and it makes you uncomfortable and she still insists on seeing him, then that only tells you one thing.

 

I'm sorry, but you have to face the fact that she is cheating, even if there is no sex. She is cheating with her heart. It's time to give the ultamatium, because otherwise the decision will be made for you. You deserve worth being with and if she doesn't see that, then the next chick will. You need to show some confidence and stop backing off when she gets in your face. It's time to make a stand on what boundaries she is not allowed to cross if she wishes to stay with you.

 

You get treated how you let others treat you. If you let her continue this, you are only hurting yourself.

[Cecelius]

I think your only error was tactics.

 

You should have calmly explained that all of the preparations she is going through for this guy, that he is staying at her place, etc., are shady at best and she has almost gone out of her way to make it look bad. On its face it is not appropriate. The fact that she is pregnant with your child makes it worse. Then simply say that a person who is into their current relationship does not intentionally do anything that smacks of inappropriate conduct.

 

That would have been the cool way to do it. She still would assert your insecurity (frankly, people who are trying to get away with something often put it back on you), would have assured you nothing will happen (missing the point that something else already has), etc. And basically, she would have told you to go pound sand.

 

Then you dump her. Honestly, make it clear that you will support her and your child, offer to stay with her through the birth, but that you're done being emotionally committed or financially involved with her. She has her own place, great. Help her, and help her with the next guy.

[fishman3226]

Originally posted by Cecelius

I think your only error was tactics.

 

You should have calmly explained that all of the preparations she is going through for this guy, that he is staying at her place, etc., are shady at best and she has almost gone out of her way to make it look bad. On its face it is not appropriate. The fact that she is pregnant with your child makes it worse. Then simply say that a person who is into their current relationship does not intentionally do anything that smacks of inappropriate conduct.

 

Guys, I completely agree with your statements except i dont think she is having an affair. I trust her in that regard.

 

I asked her about how she woudl feel if i had an ex stay over and she said she would be fine - I dont believe this in the slightest.

 

Other thing that has riled me the past 24 hours is the 'Ian comments' - things refering to him - like 'it is a bad day to motorcycle in this rain' and 'thats the pub we went to' and so on. I feel I could not say anything for want of another fight so I would just clam up.

 

I feel inadequate - this is starting to eat me up inside. If she wasnt pregnant I think I would probably call it quits but as I already have two kids I hardly see I dont want to not be there for ouir child.

 

So many strange things too - like Monday - no he aint coming over. Tuesday he is yet she 'only found out today is sister he was staying with aint in Melbourne' even though he rang he Monday. Then all these little inconsistencies that dont fit the picture like not knowing he was staying over until I questioned it - although he had visited her place and then fix her motorbikean gone out for lunch and such for about 2 hours.

 

Maybe I am paranoid and maybe I am insecure but this just dont feel right. not at all.

 

I just wish this would go away. I feel like she has been distant too since he contacted her again. Maybe coincidence - maybe pregnancy - I dont now exactly. Hard to be completely in love with someone and not know what to think.

 

I had a situation where an ex contact me last October andasked me back. I told my GF and in essence ended it for a few days to finalise the ex (there were other factors that are too long to detail) so I now what it could be like. She says she is not what HE wants - maybe so.

[Owl]

Alright...time for my 2c worth.

 

Dude- You've had several people who have all been involved in one way or another in an affair. Either our spouses had the affair, or we did, or we were somebody else's other person. The people here know how an affair feels/smells/sounds like pretty quickly now. Myself included. My wife had the affair...I know what it felt and sounded like from my angle.

 

She's deceived you about the boyfriends agenda. She's deliberatly left you out of her time with him. She appears to be infatuated with him (all the Ian did this, did that...yadda yadda ad nauseum). She's admitted to you that she's wanted to be with him for a long time. When you express a concern over things, she's deliberately making you feel/look foolish, and NOT ADDRESSING YOUR CONCERNS! I could go on...

 

Quit denying it. You know why you came here, you've gotten answers that you really didn't want to hear. But...you heard them anyways.

 

You've got the advice. You've had everyone tell you you're RIGHT to be concerned...that it does sound like a bad situation.

 

SO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!!! Don't sit there with your head buried in the sand. If you know that there's a problem, but don't do something about it, then its YOUR CHOICE.

 

You can:

 

1. Confront her and him point blank.

 

2. Show up unannounced and see what they do. See what they're doing before they know you're there.

 

3. Issue an ultimatum now. She's not giving a damn about how she's making you feel. That in itself is enough to call her out on.

 

Whatever....just don't just sit there. THAT is the best way to let what is going on grow. I KNOW...been there, done that.

 

Good luck!

[fishman3226]

Guys I know she is not having an affair - in my heart and mind.

 

I think she is perpetuating this due to her wanting that if she cant have him as a lover she'll have him as a friend.

 

I know as a male he would have wondered at the opportunity factor - staying in her place and so on - I have confronted her about it and it is all 'you dont know him, blah blah.'

 

In chattingf with some other mates they all agree - hell I would too be wondering about my chances.

 

I put it too her that i understand him - she says that he is not interested and never has been.

 

I stated simply - 'oh, so he was not interested in you either last Easter but lets think abut what happened. So this guy comes down and stays at your place knowing now how you felt as you told him. Seems quite clear to me.'

 

She's deceived you about the boyfriends agenda. She's deliberatly left you out of her time with him. She appears to be infatuated with him (all the Ian did this, did that...yadda yadda ad nauseum). She's admitted to you that she's wanted to be with him for a long time. When you express a concern over things, she's deliberately making you feel/look foolish, and NOT ADDRESSING YOUR CONCERNS! I could go on...

 

And this is exactly the situation. I have said though I dont want to meet him at all. I dont trust him nor do I want to be subjected to it. Though I have never been invited either.

 

I said perhaps we should see a counsellor about this but she is all 'everything's fine.' I believe she just wants me to go 'OK, its over with and done.' Nope. I am not going to be subjected to it.

 

I will point this is not the first time either where he has been 'where she is' without me knowing until 5 minutes before the event. My gf swears nothing is goign on and that as she knows i am uncomfortable that she finds it hard to tell me. Only happened once though and supposedly was not going to happened again either.

 

Look maybe I am blowing this out of porportion - maybe she just does want him as a friend. Hell, she has known him for 10 years plus. But same token if she wants to be with me forever and wants to raise a family with me then some sort of compromise should happen. You dont play with a person's feelings and heart like that - i am not stopping her see everyone I am just just not comfortable with this one guy around.

 

I am starting to seriously consider how I feel about evrything now. Like is this person really who I am with? I dont know.

[Owl]

I'm not sure I understand you're concern here then, friend.

 

You've repeatedly stated that you're convinced that she's not having an affair...then what exactly ARE you worried is going on? From your initial statements to here, it seemed that you were worried about exactly that...and what you've described up to this point makes it seem like there is a definite risk that one is going on...at least to me. So what is you're concern here?

[jmargel]

Dude quit playing the head games with her. Doesn't matter if she's not cheating. You don't like it and she should respect that. You should be #1 in her life. I'm telling you the only way to beat this game is to not play it.

 

All the signs are there of an affair, if not physical then definetly emotional. You'll feel better once you admit that. It's time to stand up to her, because if you don't you will lose her eventually. You are becoming her safety net and you deserve better than that.

[fishman3226]

I am concerned that the opportunity may arise and that she may take it up. I think the thought would go thru her head if he offered relationship but that is all. I trust her.

 

She is definete there is nothing more than friendship going on - I know I am her 'life partner' but I think she has a soft spot for this guy. She just does not buy nor understand why I would be annoyed.

 

Anyhow, he came and went - I cracked it (and had a huge row) and we agreed to disagree. I said I dont believe that he is 'innocent' and I said that I do not condone him staying around. I said he has some definite boundaries when it comes to things and that i will stand up to what I believe - even to the point of violence.

 

I actually made her after the lunch with him leave her own place as I did not trust the situation. To give her credit she complied.

 

I know she contacted him by SMS since he left (I checked her phone) and it was nothing. He has not contacted her since.and the last chat was a 'nothing' but half arsed chat - no substance.

 

I see it like he used her (again) this time for a place to sleep. I pointed out that he would have seen this as another opportunity for uncommitted sex - she reckons he would not as he has 'no feelings' for her but then again he 'never did before last Easter either' as I pointed out. If i ever find out he tries anything more (and no way will he stay at 'our' place) I will take this guy apart. No ifs and no buts.

 

My gf acted like a slut last easter to try to rekindle a romance 10 years gone. He used her emotions for his own gain and has no honour nor respect for her. He knew of her feelings (though he denies it) but still did it. He is like a storm - wrecking things for her emotionally and romantically for the past 10 years. No way will he ruin my relationship - if he tries I will ruin him.

 

Thanks everyone too for your thoughts and words. They have been a huge help

[jmargel]

My gf acted like a slut last easter to try to rekindle a romance 10 years gone. He used her emotions for his own gain and has no honour nor respect for her. He knew of her feelings (though he denies it) but still did it. He is like a storm - wrecking things for her emotionally and romantically for the past 10 years.

 

Now, maybe we should phrase it this way:

 

"My gf acted like a slut last easter to try to rekindle a romance 10 years gone. SHE used ME for her own gain and has no honour nor respect for ME. SHE knew of MY feelings but still did it. SHE is like a storm - wrecking things for US emotionally and romantically."

 

You are putting all the blame on him. It takes TWO to tango. If you don't want to listen to my advice, fine. But I can guarantee this problem is not just going to go away just because he's not there. If it's not going to happen with him again, it could be with someone new. Be warned.

[fishman3226]

Mate I know it is not going to go away. This bloke will come back again and try to use her up but this time I will be under the same roof. He wont get anywhere near as involved next time (if that happens) and I can guarantee his 'free ride' is over completely.

 

We agreed to disagree - she thinks she is just etending 'hospitality' I think he is trying o use her up and maybe have a chance of some on the side.

 

Also note mate that I did not even know her when she was that slut - i hope she has matured since then.

 

I guarantee too that if anything happens since that time I will end it with her so fast her head will spin and beat this guy to a pulp.

 

Maybe also my gf will wake up to herself and mature abut this.

 

Either way I love her and believe this will work out.

[Ladyjane14]

This sounds a bit like a self-esteem problem on her part. It can leave a person feeling inadaquate when someone they were really keen on doesn't return their interest.

 

She may be looking for affirmation, and allowing him to "use" her in order to get it. Perhaps, once she matures a bit more, she'll see that, and the "friend" will be revealed as no friend at all.

[fishman3226]

Originally posted by Ladyjane14

This sounds a bit like a self-esteem problem on her part. It can leave a person feeling inadaquate when someone they were really keen on doesn't return their interest.

 

She may be looking for affirmation, and allowing him to "use" her in order to get it. Perhaps, once she matures a bit more, she'll see that, and the "friend" will be revealed as no friend at all.

 

That sounds VERY plausible. I also think that she has problems releasing her past - she has a few relatinship dramas and she has some odd ways of dealing with it.

 

IMHO when it is over, it is over.