How do you cut someone out of your life completely?

[purplesoccer34]

About 7 years ago, I met a guy at a party. After the party, he added me as a friend on facebook and then messaged me. His message was weird, so I didn't respond right away but then he'd send me messages saying things like, "too cool to reply, huh?" I was way too nice back then, so I continued to talk to him even though I didn't want to. Every time I didn't reply, he'd send me three more messages saying, "what happened?" or "where did you go?"

 

Over the years, I grew to sort of like him as a friend because he would offer me genuine advice regarding any problems going on in my life, and I'd say he was a pretty good and supportive friend. However, it's very different now. He's become a very negative person--all he really does is either say negative things about me/my friends/my family, or make jokes about sex. It sounds mean, but I don't have any fun talking to him. It's gotten to a point where I really really don't want to talk to him anymore.

 

However, I'm having such a hard time cutting him off. If I don't respond to his messages on any given day, he'll say things like, "i'm mad at you. you're too cool to talk to me now." If I don't respond to him, he'll accuse me of being arrogant or rude or conceited, thinking I'm too good for him, and all sorts of random things. And I know that he would start to spread these kinds of rumors about me.

 

A part of me even feels bad for him because he has so many health problems that he can barely get out of his house, and he has literally zero friends except for me and his female cousin. On the rare occasion that he can get out of his house, people are always so hostile to him, and I can see why--yet I still feel bad for him. I have a very close group of friends from college that I always go out with, but he doesn't have that. He's also in his 30s, living in his parents' basement, so I just feel pity.

 

Over the years, he has given me a very long list of all the problems I apparently have, and keeps telling me that it's because my parents haven't raised me right. He says things like, "you lack the ability to have an interesting conversation" and "i'm sorry, but no guy will ever want to date you" and "you lack the ability to understand anything at all." To be honest though, I only hear these things from him and no one else--I get along very well with every other person in my life.

 

So what do I do when I don't respond to his messages and he sends me several messages asking what happened to me? I just don't have the heart to tell him to go away.

[TaraMaiden]

This guy sounds mentally ill....

You need to take drastic action before he becomes a stalker....

 

Change every possible means of contact you have. Shut down FB and do without it. delete twitter, and change your 'phone number and all details he is aware of.

Then keep a log of every time he manages to break through.

Resist all and every single temptation to ever, ever, E-V-E-R respond, reply or react.

Start now.

Or this is going to get really messy.....

[nescafe1982]

Block him on Facebook. Unwanted interaction like this reason enough for that.

 

How close are you in real life? Does this person have your cell number? You can block that too if needed.

 

But if the nasty comments he makes are frequent, there's really no need to explain why you're leaving his life. Indeed, use your judgement here, but sometimes an explanation (like if you wrote him saying "we're not going to be friends anymore and here is why") only yields defensiveness, bargaining, or abuse.

 

With someone saner, it would be possible to "fade out" of their lives. With this guy, blocking any attempt at communication (or meeting his attempts with nothing but silence) might be the only way. It feel cruel, but what's crueler is for you to maintain a toxic friendship by putting up with his abuse and control. You don't know, for instance, when or how it will escalate... and it easily could if he's socially maladjusted.

[whichwayisup]

He's a jerk. Delete and block him! Period! You don't owe him any explanation as he doesn't seem sincere or even a friend to you. Don't worry about it, he certainly doesn't care much since his rude to you.

[HokeyReligions]

People who know you won't give any heed to his rumors. Stop worrying about what others will think. If they respected his opinions or cared about him THEY would be his friends. Do as others suggested and block him totally.

[Tayla]

There is a saying to "Let go in a loving way." It can be done. Thank him for the positive support, express your desire to distance from the relations, and wish him well . Then move on. I caution you to remain steadfast in moving forward and away from his toxic thought patterns and acts of guilt and demeaning ways.

 

Just tell yourself you outgrew the friendship and have learned to be a better judge of genuine friendships.

[preraph]

A security/stalking expert, Gavin DeBecker, once wrote, "People who can't let go choose people who can't say no."

 

You need to write this guy one final message. Say "This hasn't been fun for a long time. I don't want to hear from you ever again." Don't wait for a response. Block him from every single thing but keep his messages in case he pursues you after this and you need to stop him legally.

[TaraMaiden]

This^^^. Good advice.

you'd be very, VERY wise to take it. Head on......

[Trapito]

I understand this is difficult because he helped you and gave you advice.

 

But.. He is being passive aggressive. When you don't respond between a certain time frame (he made up a time frame in his head) he's trying to guilt you into replying. He told you lots of nasty stuff and made you out to be the bad guy. Does the positive stuff outweigh the negative? I don't think so.

 

Block this guy from ever contacting and putting you down again. You don't need to explain yourself. You don't need to soften the blow. You don't need to feel sorry for him. You don't need to take care of him. He's a grown man who needs to put an other person down to boost his ego and feel better about himself. Do you want to be put down? Do you want to have such a emotional vampire in your life?

 

Block this asshat. You deserve better than this party pooper who rains down on your parade.

[todreaminblue]

have you explained to him exactly how he makes you feel, when words he says to you affect you do you pull him uo

[CC12]

I was way too nice back then, so I continued to talk to him even though I didn't want to.

 

You're still way too nice, and you're still talking to him even though you don't want to.

 

It should not be so hard for you to cut someone like this out of your life. I think you should really try to determine why you can say "I just don't have the heart to tell him to go away" about someone who told you that no man will ever want you. Why is it so important that his feelings aren't hurt by you cutting him out? His feelings are not more important than yours. Don't let someone treat you that way. He doesn't deserve your pity.

 

These are the kinds of thoughts you should be having when you ignore him or block him.

 

I think you should tell him to stop contacting you. I think it's helpful to have something in writing telling him exactly what you want to have happen. "We are no longer friends. Do not contact me again" is very clear, and if he continues messaging you after that, you'll know for certain that he is disrespecting your wishes and your boundaries and you can act accordingly. Remember that you cannot respond in any way after you tell him this. That only teaches him that he has to bug you *thismuch* to get you to reply. I think in your case, you should just block every method of communication he has with you so you're not tempted or guilted into responding.

 

Good luck. You can do this. Be strong.

[preraph]

Women are often brought up to sort of never say no to men and also to not hurt people's feelings. Here's the thing: This guy knows what he's doing to you is rude and out of bounds. Guys who like to operate like this look for women who are too nice to run them off. That's who they find women who will put up with abuse. The more you overlook, they worse they get. That's why it's important to learn to say no. You should never worry about hurting a man's feelings. Look at all the crap he's said to you without worrying about your feelings. If you don't learn to say no and stick to it, you will attract abusers your entire life.

[Teknoe]

That sucks that he's become so bitter and a negative energy. You don't have time for that. Especially when the friendship has ran its course.

 

Either block him, or send him a short firm message along the lines of "This friendship isn't working out and hasn't for a while now. It's time to split. I wish you well."

 

I kinda know the feeling because I have (had) friends I been trying to weed out. Though, they're so nice I just end up ignoring their mass emails and texts. Good luck.

[purplesoccer34]

Thank you all so much for the responses They were very encouraging. I haven't spoken to him at all in the past few days and will now cut off all communication with him---he absolutely does deserve it. I don't feel so bad for him anymore.

[almond]

There is a difference between being too nice, and simply lacking assertiveness.

 

To allow this man to weasel into your life and speak so horribly to you demonstrates a lack of assertiveness in my opinion.

 

Send a final message, and completely block him. Work on being able to stand up for and defend yourself against people like this, otherwise, this likely won't be the last time you find yourself caught up with a dickhead.

 

If someone tells you that you weren't raised right, and that you lack the ability to have an interesting conversation - immediately tell them to **** off and never look back. Set personal boundaries as to what is acceptable and what is not, and adhere to them.

[Trapito]

Thank you all so much for the responses They were very encouraging. I haven't spoken to him at all in the past few days and will now cut off all communication with him---he absolutely does deserve it. I don't feel so bad for him anymore.

 

You are doing the right thing, good for you!

[preraph]

I would just add that him telling you no guy would ever want you -- this is the type of things abusers do to control their women, tear down their confidence, make them feel worthless. They also try to get them to believe their friends and family don't care about them, etc. This guy is very bad news.

[John316C]

... you need to either cut yourself away from him or severely limit your time with him. (if u want give him some pointers to help if you know them, dont go looking for his cure)he's got issues.. sure but the problem is he's taking his issues out on you - hes abusive. if you stay wth this person hes going to run you into the ground and possibly take advantage of you if he likes you and trust me its going to get scary and i have no idea how old u r but depression is a serious issue.

 

hes extremely toxic to you. leave him alone. you should have known initially from the passive aggressive words. this person is out of emotional control. he abuses you and you keep coming back - your rewarding his behavior.