Can we go from lovers to fighters to friends?

[BATBabe]

I had a very intense one year relationship with a guy I work with. It ended when I found out he had been cheating on me the entire time. I had been in love, he was only ever in lust. It was my first heartbreak and 6 months later I am only just starting to get over it. Anyway, he is back at work now after spending the last 6 months overseas. I initiated no contact the entire time (despite his constant calls), although that is now impossible - we work right next to each other. I am trying to be friends - but wonder if it is possible?

 

We still have this unbelievable sexual chemistry that just gives me the shivers every time I see him or think about him. He flirts with me constantly and is always giving me compliments. I try to maintain my distance but I can feel him slowly pulling me back in. I know I can't just have sex with this guy - I am too emotionally involved. But on the other hand, seeing him everyday without going further is torture.

 

Neither of us can leave our positions at work - we have amazing jobs we cant get elsewhere. So - what am I to do?

[sean001]

You're in a tough situation no doubt. But this is why it is usually not a good idea to "play" at work, although I understand that it happens.

 

Forget the friends idea -- it's just not going to happen. What are you going to do? Go out for a beer after work and talk about whatever girl he happens to be seeing and give him advice? You have too much emotional involvement to have a simple, uncomplicated friendship with him. And let's face it, it doesn't sound like he wants "just to be friends" either. It's usually difficult to "be friends" with someone when there is a strong sexual chemistry.

 

However, I think that maybe some of your tension in this situation has to do with not clearing the air and setting some boundaries. You said you are "trying to be friends" but have you made your intentions to be nothing more completely clear?

 

You do not need to be "friends" with him, you need to establish a cordial working relationship. In order to do so, you need to set a clear firm line. Do not engage in a "deep" conversation, just pull him aside at an appropriate moment and say "Since we are now working together again, I want to make something clear. I am not interested in returning to the way things were before you left. It will never happen."

 

And then stick to your guns on this. You'll be able to work it out and over time I promise it will get easier as he starts to realize that you won't be a fool again. No one can make us do anything we don't want to do, no matter how tempting. So resist the temptation and move forward. You have no choice.

[Sharmaine]

Lovers to fighters, to friends. I and my ex, (strong sexual chemistry here too), managed to do it. But then before we could become friends, we had to clear the air, talked things through, set boundaries, just as the previous poster explained has to be done. Plus there are reasons as to why me and the ex can never be 'lovers' again. We'd be acting 'immoral', if we were to do so.

 

Must admit though, it is hard to be 'just friends', with an ex, when there is a strong attraction/sexual chemistry involved. You just gotta control yourself and you have to learn to avoid the 'us' talks. When one will stray to the topic of 'us', quickly change the topic to something else........the other should sharp get the message, that you interested in nothing more than 'friends'.

[BATBabe]

Sean and Sharmaine, thanks so much for your advice. It has helped me imeasurably. I realise now that instead of trying to avoid the reality of the situation and just brush over the past, I need to face up to things and tell him exactly how I feel. I thought I would sound stupid saying to him, 'We work together, we can talk, but I am never having sex with you again' but now I realise that is exactly what i need to do. Hopefully, if I'm consistent in my behaviour, he'll get the message and back off. It's a crappy situation but maybe in time things will be alright. I already feel more clear about what action to take to stop things getting messy again. Thank you!!

[Groovy]

I met a guy and I rushed into things, great sex, great chemistry and then I found out he was lying to me. Mine was short lived. But I was hurt and would even describe myself as a state of rage when he came back two month later.

 

Being friends was very hard for me and maybe I'd been better off if he had just left my life. It took a year or so before I could handle friendship without animosity, so I don't know why he put up with all that. I would have gotten over him in a few months had he just left. Not having sexual involvement helped sort through my own confusion though. Initially he tried to get me involved with him again after all the damage he caused, and attempts seemed to be filled with bad offerings by an oblivious guy who was handsome, had money, issues with women from his past and too much testosterone and women willing.

 

Now 4 years later we are friends, but not close. And neither attempts to try anything. Once I got detached enough I was just honest with him that he had hurt me a great deal and we both were stupid to do what we did. That I never planned on having that occur again. I think he saw 5% of things that could mean it was O.K to keep doing the dynamics in his favor and didn't see the other 95%. He'd go back and forth on wanting friends and wanting more. He knew he was inmature but never knew how miserable I was. But me telling him even a year later finally got the message through and laid it out in black and white. And I think him being just friends with me had helped him to stop and think. While we are still attracted to each other, we are comfortable and safe in what we have and know there's a high risk if we ever go back. It's not really an issue anymore, but give it at least 6 months!