Mrs.Scarlet Posted December 21, 2013 Share Posted December 21, 2013 I have been married for 19 years, together with my husband for 16 years total. We have 2 great kids, ages 10 and 12. Last fall, I started an affair with my boss. We had both have had feeling for each other but haven’t pushed it till now. About July I asked my husband to move out. We told the kids the news and it was very hard, Heart-wrenching. I plan was for me and my boss to start a new relationship and we did. My boss did leave his wife (no kids) and we stared out our relationship. Everything was good for few months and we were very much in love. Now most of the feeling I have for my boss now boyfriend aren’t there I constantly compare him to my soon to be ex-husband. I don’t know what I was thinking but I realize it was the worst mistake of my life and I don’t know how to fix can I even fix it. I don’t know if I ever really loved. Even the sex has become dull. At the time is seemed to be the best I ever had now I do to keep him happy. The worst part is I give up everything to be with him. Yesterday, I went to my husband firm to go over the divorce. When I saw him all of my felling came rushing back. All I wanted to was jump over the table and hold and never let him go. Leaving him is turning into my biggest regret. I cried as soon as I left his office I couldn’t control it. I should thought this through I’m so stupid. He even told me this would happen and even asked me to give another chance to fix any problems we had and he would forgive. Now it’s too late. Last night I couldn’t thinking how I would never be able to hold him, kiss him or even make love to him again. I threw it all away and now I wish I had it. I lost it all and I will never be able to get it back. Now I don’t really know what to do. I’m lost, hurt and confused. I put myself in a relationship. I don’t even want to be in anymore with known idea what to do. Any advice Link to post Share on other sites
soccerrprp Posted December 21, 2013 Share Posted December 21, 2013 Let your ex-husband find better and you learn from this for your next relationship of significance. You do realize how risky it is to have a relationship with your boss, don't you? How uncomfortable it could now become? Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted December 21, 2013 Share Posted December 21, 2013 Mrs.Scarlet, Lay your cards on the table... go to your husband and tell him exactly what you posted here. Let him know that you've made a mistake, and be sincere. No down side. Either he'll take you back or he won't, but you have done all you could. If it doesn't work out, you need to make some choices as to what you'll do next. However, even if he says no for now... get rid of the BF and go back to him later and try again. Don't give up. Keep us posted and best of luck. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mrs.Scarlet Posted December 21, 2013 Author Share Posted December 21, 2013 Let your ex-husband find better and you learn from this for your next relationship of significance. You do realize how risky it is to have a relationship with your boss, don't you? How uncomfortable it could now become? Well for the most part soon to be ex has already moved on. He stared seeing someone new. Part of the reason I am still trying to work it out with my BF is because he is my boss. I fear how he would react if I do break things off with him. He could fire me and right I really need my job. Link to post Share on other sites
sunburned Posted December 21, 2013 Share Posted December 21, 2013 Scarlet, your post is so painful and I am so sorry you are hurting. It was thoughtful of you to share as it's an important reminder to all of us WS that the grass isn't necessarily greener on the other side of the marital vows. You didn't say whether you approached your H about a possible reconciliation at his point. Is that out of the question? If it is, I'm sorry. But it's not too late for you to leave your current relationship that was built on a deceitful foundation. You don't have to stay with your current partner just because you left your husband for him. Perhaps some time on your own (with your kids of course) would do you some good .. give you some perspective and breathing room. Lots of hugs and luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted December 21, 2013 Share Posted December 21, 2013 Well for the most part soon to be ex has already moved on. He stared seeing someone new. Part of the reason I am still trying to work it out with my BF is because he is my boss. I fear how he would react if I do break things off with him. He could fire me and right I really need my job. I'd argue still not too late. The job isn't worth a bad relationship. Call your hubby and let us know.... no downside. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mrs.Scarlet Posted December 21, 2013 Author Share Posted December 21, 2013 Mrs.Scarlet, Lay your cards on the table... go to your husband and tell him exactly what you posted here. Let him know that you've made a mistake, and be sincere. No down side. Either he'll take you back or he won't, but you have done all you could. If it doesn't work out, you need to make some choices as to what you'll do next. However, even if he says no for now... get rid of the BF and go back to him later and try again. Don't give up. Keep us posted and best of luck. Yesterday when I saw him I wanted to and I thought about it. I waited outside ready to lay it all out and prayer to god if would give me another chance. Then I saw his girlfriend. Maybe it was the shame or the guilt but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. He already give me chance and I turned him down without thinking twice. I am in no way happy in my current relationship. I can’t leave now I put everything I have into my BF so I have to find away rebuild our connection. This relationship I have with my BF is all I have felt. Plus I have nothing in place to deal with the fall out. Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted December 21, 2013 Share Posted December 21, 2013 Yesterday when I saw him I wanted to and I thought about it. I waited outside ready to lay it all out and prayer to god if would give me another chance. Then I saw his girlfriend. Maybe it was the shame or the guilt but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. He already give me chance and I turned him down without thinking twice. I am in no way happy in my current relationship. I can’t leave now I put everything I have into my BF so I have to find away rebuild our connection. This relationship I have with my BF is all I have felt. Plus I have nothing in place to deal with the fall out. Mrs.Scarlet, Well.... "maybe"...... You will not know until you try to open the door with your husband again. I still say, it's worth a try if you really feel that way. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 21, 2013 Share Posted December 21, 2013 Why not ... Be on your own? Why are you so afraid? Link to post Share on other sites
Ruffian1 Posted December 21, 2013 Share Posted December 21, 2013 I am in no way happy in my current relationship. What changed in this relationship? You both must have really wanted this and thought it thru? All relationships have ups and downs. Link to post Share on other sites
Cinnimon Posted December 21, 2013 Share Posted December 21, 2013 I say ask your ex about reconciling, all he can do is say no. What have you got to lose? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted December 21, 2013 Share Posted December 21, 2013 I say ask your ex about reconciling, all he can do is say no. What have you got to lose? Totally agree! No downside. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted December 21, 2013 Share Posted December 21, 2013 Very sad story. Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted December 21, 2013 Share Posted December 21, 2013 I think you need to finalize your divorce. Your husband does deserve happiness. You will only torture him more now if you try to get him back. I know that is not something you really want but you made your choice when you had the affair. The damage you do to a person when cheating on them is permanently scarring. This is one of the many downsides of having a affair. Clay 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Quiet Storm Posted December 21, 2013 Share Posted December 21, 2013 Fight for your family. You have kids, and I think its worth it to try and save this. Tell him how you feel. That he was right about everything. Get some counseling to figure out why you did this, and what you need to do to stop it from happening again. Tell him you are going to counseling. Tell him you want to save the marriage. Ask him if there is anything he wants you to do. Ask him if there is anything he wants to know. Be honest with him. Don't sugarcoat or minimize your affair. He may not respond positively, but give it time. Focus on your kids and yourself. Keep going to counseling, and keep reminding him that you want to be a better person, a better wife to him. Don't date other people. Show him with your actions that you have changed. You betrayed him. He is hurt. It may take a long time... But its worth the effort. You are not just fighting for yourself, but to give your kids another chance at having an intact family. Don't let pride or shame get in the way. I'm pulling for your family. Don't forget to genuinely work on you. You will be ok no matter what happens. Focus on those kiddos, they are going through a lot right now and need you to be strong for them. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted December 21, 2013 Share Posted December 21, 2013 Call your STBXH and ask to meet him in a quiet but public place than beg. How much worse than now can you get, your at the bottom(actually, going through with divorce will put you there). Regardless of finances do not put yourself into a loveless prison of a relationship with your boss, think about your children because you sure didn't before. It is never too late, you can stop the divorce anytime up to the final decree. You will need to give your husband answers to the several questions he has been thinking about. First, why did you not value his most precious gift, his heart? If you valued it more you would never have ripped it out of his chest with your affair. Secondly, how will you ever make him feel safe again, you took his children and gave them to another man, your living with your boss, that's going to be a hard one to overcome. Your in this position because you never told each other how you were feeling in your marriage, don't make the same foolish mistake, call him and beg. This is real and will last a lifetime, don't let your pride get in the way. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mrs.Scarlet Posted December 21, 2013 Author Share Posted December 21, 2013 Why not ... Be on your own? Why are you so afraid? I am a little afraid to be on my own. It’s been almost 20 years since I been on my own but i am not with my BF out of fear of being alone. I have to make sure I have another job and income before I move on. I wouldn’t be able to support myself without one. I still have to pay child support and have a place to stay before anything. Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted December 21, 2013 Share Posted December 21, 2013 Scarlet, Are you sure you are just not getting cold feet with your new BF and looking back to the safety of your H and kids is just something you feel comfortable with? Clay 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mrs.Scarlet Posted December 21, 2013 Author Share Posted December 21, 2013 . What changed in this relationship? You both must have really wanted this and thought it thru? All relationships have ups and downs. What changed? The way he treats me, I am constantly being accused of cheating, lying and whatever else he thinks I am doing. I can’t even leave the house for 10 minutes without him blowing up my phone. He went as far to put a GPS tracker in car and phone. Too top it all off he’s very insecure and controlling. At the time I thought this was what I wanted. Thing about affair you only see the good side to that person. You only see each other a few hours a day at most. When you do see them for those few hours it’s filled with what you think is love but the reality is its just lust. Affairs if not all then most are a fantasy their not really. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mrs.Scarlet Posted December 21, 2013 Author Share Posted December 21, 2013 I think you need to finalize your divorce. Your husband does deserve happiness. You will only torture him more now if you try to get him back. I know that is not something you really want but you made your choice when you had the affair. The damage you do to a person when cheating on them is permanently scarring. This is one of the many downsides of having a affair. Clay Yes I know going back now would only bring him more pain. Even by some miracle my husband would take me back I don’t could work it out any more. I have burned down sooo many bridges. I don’t see how it would be possible fix it. Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted December 21, 2013 Share Posted December 21, 2013 Working with him as your boss would give you more than a few hours a day to figure him out. It's not just the affair to blame. You are not thinking things through. We get what went wrong with the bf. What do you think will be different with the h now and what makes your previous unsolvable problems solvable? Focus on getting another job first of all. The gf is just a gf like your bf is just a bf. You didn't say stbxh, you said h. He'll take you back. Men are into keeping the fa-mi-ly. For the future, if you care about keeping a job don't get personal at work and if you care about staying married, don't cheat. In general, think ahead. Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted December 21, 2013 Share Posted December 21, 2013 Yes I know going back now would only bring him more pain. Even by some miracle my husband would take me back I don’t could work it out any more. I have burned down sooo many bridges. I don’t see how it would be possible fix it. I am this guy. I was the one where my wife cheated on me one last time. I did not wait I filed for divorce and threw her out. She did move right in with the other man and they have been together since. I see one thing that is different for you. You feel remorse. You feel you have lost. I could be wrong on what I have told you to do. If you are sure would like to try to get him back go talk to him. Only do this if you are sure. Do not play with his mind at all. If you do intent on going to do this then leave your BF and focus on fixing you. Show your husband you are learning from your mistake and you are willing to do all the heavy lifting and I mean all of it. If you delay on anything after you talk to him you will destroy your chance with him and your kids. I do have custody of my kids and I will never allow there mother back in my life but I am open for her having involvement in the kids life. She really does not show all that much interest. She talks a big talk but when it comes to being there she is not. You can be there for your kids. They do need you. Clay 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruffian1 Posted December 21, 2013 Share Posted December 21, 2013 Working with him as your boss would give you more than a few hours a day to figure him out. This is what I thought too. You were with him, what? , approx. 8 hrs. 5 days a week?? How long was the A before you guys began living together? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 21, 2013 Share Posted December 21, 2013 What changed? The way he treats me, I am constantly being accused of cheating, lying and whatever else he thinks I am doing. I can’t even leave the house for 10 minutes without him blowing up my phone. He went as far to put a GPS tracker in car and phone. Too top it all off he’s very insecure and controlling. At the time I thought this was what I wanted. Thing about affair you only see the good side to that person. You only see each other a few hours a day at most. When you do see them for those few hours it’s filled with what you think is love but the reality is its just lust. Affairs if not all then most are a fantasy their not really. So he is one of those 'cheat with me, cheat on me' types. it's the way you two got together, divorcing your spouses and moving into a new life together too quickly as well. It's sad that this is the reality, you two don't mix. You did during the A when things were fun and fantasy, no obligations, only happy times but now it's not and the real test is what you two shared (the glue) isn't strong enough to hold you two together. Do you have other family members to help you out? Also, your exH, you say you pay child support, would he be willing to give you a break, back off and allow you to straighten out your life, make less payments for a while so you CAN find your own place and learn to be independent, and on your own? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mrs.Scarlet Posted December 21, 2013 Author Share Posted December 21, 2013 Scarlet, Are you sure you are just not getting cold feet with your new BF and looking back to the safety of your H and kids is just something you feel comfortable with? Clay Well by safety if you mean that I miss being able to do anything or say anything and not having to worry then yeah I miss that feeling I miss the way ex husband treated me. All those little things he used to say and do. The first thing he would do when he woke was tell me how beautiful I was. How some times on his way home he would pass by picking my favorite drink or candy. Things like that are what I miss Link to post Share on other sites
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