Beginning to regret my choice

[Realist3]

What changed? The way he treats me, I am constantly being accused of cheating, lying and whatever else he thinks I am doing. I can’t even leave the house for 10 minutes without him blowing up my phone. He went as far to put a GPS tracker in car and phone. Too top it all off he’s very insecure and controlling.

 

At the time I thought this was what I wanted. Thing about affair you only see the good side to that person. You only see each other a few hours a day at most. When you do see them for those few hours it’s filled with what you think is love but the reality is its just lust. Affairs if not all then most are a fantasy their not really.

 

 

I'm sorry, but this whole thread just doesn't pass the smell test with me. From the very first post it sounds like a word of warning much like the one that was posted here last week.

 

I have been married for 19 years, together with my husband for 16 years total.

 

? Maybe yougot the numbers mixed up?

 

Last fall, I started an affair with my boss. We had both have had feeling for each other but haven’t pushed it till now. About July I asked my husband to move out. We told the kids the news and it was very hard, Heart-wrenching. I plan was for me and my boss to start a new relationship and we did.

 

My boss did leave his wife (no kids) and we stared out our relationship.

 

So, in the matter of 6 months you decide to end a marriage of 19 years as does you affair partner, someone you say you have only spent a few hours of time with at a time. That is some serious lack of judgment and hasty decision making by two people. It generally take one person years to reach that decision, much less two at the same time.

 

I'm not going to go through each and every contradictory piece of your story, but you were first a person to make rash decisions about your marriage and your family, tearing it apart... and now you are some sane thinking person lamenting of never being able to hug, kiss, and make love to the person you just ditched after 19 years??? Now you realize you are with a controlling jerk? Does not compute.

 

People leave a spouse not because they found someone they like better but because of underlying issues of the existing marriage which you never brought up. There had to be a reason you decided to take the affair plunge in the beginning, and also to leave. If there were reasons to have the affair and leave those still exist regardless of the BF's issues you may have. But from the way you tell it your husband is the best thing since sliced bread in your eyes.

 

The advice you should fallow has already been offered. Go kiss up and see if it works. Nothing to lose.

 

Color me skeptical of this story. Wish you the best.

[Mrs.Scarlet]

.

 

This is what I thought too.

 

You were with him, what? , approx. 8 hrs. 5 days a week??

 

How long was the A before you guys began living together?

 

 

 

We rarely saw each other at work at. We did have a few projects we would work on together. We worked for the same company in different departments and floors. We did meet for lunch and would have drinks after work.

 

The A stared October of last years, We moved in together late July.

[WakingUp]

Yep it doesn't add up.

[Journee]

Well by safety if you mean that I miss being able to do anything or say anything and not having to worry then yeah I miss that feeling

 

I miss the way ex husband treated me. All those little things he used to say and do. The first thing he would do when he woke was tell me how beautiful I was. How some times on his way home he would pass by picking my favorite drink or candy. Things like that are what I miss

 

It sounds like you miss the way these men would make you feel special. Then when your bf showed some of the more human qualities, it was a turn off. You only gave examples of things your H did to make YOU feel good. If he did those things, what were some of the issues that made cheating an option? Is having someone stroke your ego what gets your attention?

 

You don't sound like you know what you want. I'm sorry you are feeling lost. It's a scary place to be.

 

I don't think you should even mention that you want to reconcile until you get into counseling. You are a huge risk to your husband. You left him for someone else and are now waffling with that choice. You should try to figure out why you have made the choices you have. What it was about your marriage that was too far gone to fix then.

 

You need to show your husband over time that you will keep his heart safe.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Agreed - kinda of smells like a troll.

[Popsicle]

Ms Scarlett, your new guy sounds like a bad guy. You can ask to come back to your ex-husband if you can do that, but at the very least, I recommend getting another job and leaving this new guy.

[Scott Thomas]

Dear Mrs. Scrarlett,

 

We reap what we sow and realize the true value of things after we lose them. While you may resent the OM (your current boyfriend), the blame for destroying your family rests on your shoulders.

 

Q1) What was so intriguing, so devastatingly exceptional about this man that you decided to abandon your family, stab your husband in the back and give up 19 years after spending a mere six months with this guy?

 

As you've stated, your husband was affectionate and took the time to remind you that he loved you. He was there for you, you didn't face any physical or emotional abuse from his side, you had a loving family. You threw all this away for a man who you claim is 'manipulative and emotionally abusive'.

 

Q2) If your husband decided to reconcile with you, is there something that would prevent you from cheating on him again? Was there something that didn't prevent you from cheating the first time?

 

Q3) Do you think your husband is better off with a woman who loves and cherishes him. Do you think he deserves someone who'll be there for him and won't cheat on him?

 

Q4) Is there a specific reason why your husband should reconcile with you, apart from your 'guilt'? Do you feel that you're better, in any way, than the woman he's dating or could potentially meet in the future?

 

Q5) If the OM didn't turn out to be a troll, would you still feel guilty? Would you still want to reconcile with your husband?

 

Q6) Do you love your ex? Do you love him more than the OM? Why wasn't this love enough to stop you from cheating in the first place?

 

Q7) Did you 'explore' with the OM or did sexual 'acts' that you normally avoided with your OM? Some men find this as an enormous ego-blow and a big betrayal.

 

I'm am not well-acquainted with your personal problems or the events as they took place, so my analysis may not be 100% accurate.

However, it seems, at least with what I've read from your two threads, that you thought the OM was a 'knight in shining armour who would save you from your husband' and you got the chance to play Cinderella. Whatever reasons you had for the affair, you decided to end your marriage and start a relationship with this man after a mere 6 months. Your ideal image of this 'charming prince' was shattered when you started going out with him, and discovered that he wasn't what you had imagined; the prince's been replaced by a troll.

 

Now, you've come to realize that your new 'option' isn't that great and 'option B', whom you carelessly discarded, is a much better 'mate'. Consequently, you want to reconcile with him.

While I urge you to seek your soon-to-be-ex-husband's forgiveness, I doubt that you genuinely love him. Otherwise, you wouldn't have cheated on him. It seems that you've realized that he is a 'better option' than your OM and regret ending your marriage, especially since another woman finds your husband attractive.

 

I hope your husband forgives you and you two cooperate for you children's sake. However, if I knew him, I would urge him to remain civil with you but reject your offer of reconciliation. The reason for this is because I believe you regret losing your previous lifestyle and your husband as a mate compared to your current OM. Your 'so-called love' for your husband is an empty rhetorical sentence that has not been backed-up with your actions. Your posts in your other thread, where you complain about struggling to maintain a relationship with your AP, strengthens this deduction.

 

I will refrain from passing a moral judgement on your behavior but I must add that your actions indicate that you've behaved in a way that I would describe as 'selfish, egoistic, self-obsessed, manipulative and deceitful'. I am sorry if this hurts your feelings but this is exactly how I would describe your affair, given the lack of real problems you faced in your marriage. Love is about caring for another person and placing their needs above yours. You've demonstrated that you're not capable of such actions, at least as far as your marriage was concerned.

 

A poster compared you with 'Sophie'. For various reasons, I would suggest that Sophie's different from Mrs. Scarlet. Sohpie ended things with the OM and has worked to 'win' her husband. Mrs. Scarlet decided to end her marriage and start a relationship with the OM, discovered that it wasn't all lovely-dovey as she imagined and now regrets leaving her husband. A closer inspection would reveal that there is a huge difference (imagine: I commit a felony but regret breaking the law while I'm going through a trial. I commit a felony, end up spending some time in a prison or a correction facility and my experience there alters the way I feel about my actions. Do you see the difference?)

 

I realize that my post may seem a tad rude. Forgive me if I appear a bit confrontational. However, I believe that what you really need is a dose of harsh reality, despite how 'terrible' it may appear. As for my sentiments regarding the demerits of reconciliation in your case; your husband will get only one chance to live a life (and do you, and all of us). He deserves to be with someone who loves, cherishes and respects him. He deserves a woman who will not stab him in the back, regardless f the fact that they had a happy marriage. He deserves a woman who will place his wishes and well-being ahead of her own. From your post, it seems that your husband fulfilled his end of the bargain but you faltered and decided that sleeping with the OM was more important than your marriage. Consequently, I think that in the long run, your husband will be better off with another woman, despite the regret you feel. When was the last time a convict was pardoned because he/she felt bad for what he/she did. Our actions have consequences and you need to recognize the fact that you willingly destroyed your marriage. I understand that you feel guilty and would like to reconcile with your husband, but from it seems that this sentiment stems from the inherent 'dis-qualities' of your affair partner instead of genuine remorse at betraying your husband. From where I stand, your actions appear quite self-serving. I hope your husband forgives you but I sincerely believe that he will be better off with a new woman. Frankly, it would take months of counseling and introspection for you to even come close to the woman your husband deserves. You may apologize and express your desire for reconciliation, but please realize that your husband deserves a better woman. As of now, I would implore you to refrain from using any emotional tactics to manipulate him. Prioritize your relationship with your children-maybe you two could reconcile a few years down the road. However, for this to happen, you need to instigate a drastic change in your actions and the way you approach relationships. I urge you to start individual counselling with someone who has dealt with wayward spouses and end your relationship with the OM if you want to reconcile with your husband at some future point in time. Additionally, do read books about affairs, especially 'Women's Infidelity' by Michelle Langley. Some people might disagree but I think you fit her description of a wayward wife.

 

I wish you good luck in your future endeavours.

Edited January 8, 2014 by Scott Thomas

[Sub]

You had an A, and it was your BH who was asked to move out? Hmmmm....