Am I being ridiculous?

[Little_Discourage]

My pride is screaming at me right now for posting this, but I need to get it off my chest and get some input from unbiased individuals.

 

I met a guy 6 months ago and we've moved pretty quickly in our relationship. We basically live together. I am going through a divorce, so my morals are compromised right now and it causes stress on me, thus causing stress on him. However, we have had a wonderful, caring, loving, and respectful relationship. With all of that said...

 

Our sex has been amazing from the start. We have experimented, done things neither one of us have ever done with anyone else, etc. We are both very in tune and enjoy the same things. However, about three months ago a friend kissed me and caused my boyfriend to have a hard time getting past it, despite the fact that it wasn't a mutual kiss, progressed no further, and I've cut all contact with the friend. We've discussed the situation multiple times and every time I think we're past it, it somehow gets brought back up. Then we had to stay at his mother's house for a while due to a change in my living arrangements. The walls there are paper thin and don't make it easy to have sex, so we kind of just... stopped. And despite us getting back into our own place, things never really quite picked up. The dude can go what seems like forever without sex. I am a once-a-day kind of girl. He claimed he has a low libido, which I'd believe if that had been how it was from the start, but there was a very obvious change. Before he couldn't seem to keep his hands off of me, now I feel like... nothing. I don't feel attractive or sexy. I've tried a few times to initiate sex and have gotten rejected, which really hurts the ol' self-esteem. Then he admitted to masturbating up to three times a day, if not one or two more times than that. I am all for watching porn and self-pleasuring. I do it myself. However, when it comes to porn and masturbation being chosen over me when we haven't had sex in several days, it kind of hurts. Sometimes I feel like I get a pity **** and it's a horrible feeling. This is literally the only "problem" we have and I really don't know if it's something I'm doing or if he's not that attracted to me. I wouldn't even think twice about it if it hadn't been very different just a few weeks ago. I have to stop myself often from thinking, "I'm not used to this... Everyone else I've ever been with always wanted sex. It was always me that had to turn them down." I don't want to compare him to my past relationships.

 

Ugh... I feel like none of this is making sense and I'm just blathering. I guess I'm just hoping to hear from other men/women in a similar situation with their sex life and what they've done to compromise or how they've handled it. I can't help it that sex is important to me. And he can't help it if it isn't important to him. Any input, really. Am I just a crazy woman?

[Elliotte]

Tons of topics in here about it, quite a few of us have faced it, currently, myself included. I had it happen to me in previous relationships and thought I had found someone compatible for me when I started dating my wife, her and I would have sex constantly when together for the entire first year of our relationship. Then some major life changes were made, including moving in together, and her libido took a nosedive, whereas mine stayed level. It is painful, I want to be with someone who is passionately into me every day and can maintain that for a lifetime. But is that a truly realistic expectation? And if I am with a person like that, what other issues would there be with that person (there always is issues, always)?

 

You are not being ridiculous, it is painful to be that type of person that has a constant desire to have sex with your partner when they don't, to get rejected is painful, to have them give you "duty sex" is painful. I would like to see a couple where there isn't some pain due to spending time being close with someone... but I don't think that it exists. At most you get couples that are great at acting as though they are that couple.

[CarrieT]

You aren't being ridiculous and it is why those of us that have been around the block (several times) recommend getting to know someone for at least a year - through all four seasons - before living together.

 

What you are describing is VERY common and you have now learned that you two are not sexually compatible. Of course you couldn't keep your hands off each other in the beginning; that is pretty standard in the honeymoon period of a relationship. You now know his true colors and it might be best if you start considering moving on…

 

You are still in the divorce process so you haven't fully given yourself time to heal and get over the ending of your marriage.

[BOREDouttaMymind]

its the standard example of someone running a relationship like a 100 meter dash instead of a marathon. you got to the finish line way before you should have.

 

this guy isn't the one you should be with. you were with him to fill a void (which many of us do, its normal), but if you ever want to create a life with someone, you need to slow down first.

 

I wouldn't recommend continuing this relationship.

[InnocentMan]

Ah, the old 'my friend kissed me, but it wasn't mutual' line. In all my years, that has literally never happened to me. All my kisses have been fully mutual(drunken aunties at xmas aside).

 

Your partners libido hasn't dropped, considering he still finds the time to jerk off, so he obviously has a low tolerance for indiscretions. Some men are like this. He probably sees you in a totally different light now. It seems irrational, as it wasn't a major faux pas, but I think this is where the problem lies.

 

He has fallen back into his old routine of pleasuring himself, as a form of security. Coaxing him back out of this mindset won't be easy, but not impossible.

[Little_Discourage]

Thank you all for your responses, I appreciate it. I definitely agree that we moved very quickly and it has put a lot of strain on our relationship. It's difficult because we both want to be together and things are nearly perfect, despite a lot of the stress we both go through in our individual lives. I honestly hope this isn't just some rebound thing. I can sit here and say it doesn't feel like it, but would I really know if it was? It isn't impossible to find someone soon after one relationship ends and for the new relationship to work. But I also don't want to delay the inevitable.

 

Despite sex being off and on, everything else is perfect.

 

And to the individual that claims it was a mutual kiss between my friend and I, I'm sorry to disappoint, but you're wrong. I had only known the friend for a couple months longer than I knew my boyfriend. I honestly did not see it coming. I don't find myself to be incredibly attractive and usually assume that other people also don't find me to be very attractive. I still deal with self-esteem issues even with a boyfriend that constantly tells me how beautiful he finds me. I've only just learned to accept compliments. I have my own problems when it comes to my self-image. I did not expect this friend to make a move on me like that. He was only visiting for a couple days before moving on to a different state and I guess just took a chance. I don't really know because I'm not him and I don't know why he did it. With alllll of that said, it would make sense as far as the rest of your response. So, thank you.

[bob the brave]

You're not crazy. Take it from a guy. When a guy chooses masterbation over the real thing, something is wrong. He obviously did find you attractive so something happened. Here's some theories:

 

1) Some guys just loose interest sexually after a while and want a different 'flavor'. It's not a strike against you, some guys just get bored with one vintage of wine, no matter how excellent, and want to try another. This is immature, but I don't know this is the true issue.

 

2) Maybe the kiss or something else you did made him feel insecure and he dosen't feel 'manly' around you any more.

 

At this point, I would say you guys are moving too fast, especially recovering from a divorce and it sounds like sex is a dominant factor in your relationship. Have fun, but tread lightly and don't invest your heart too much at this stage. There are too many 'x' factors currently about.

[spiderowl]

If my boyfriend was pleasuring himself and not interested in sex with me, then I would feel very offended too. I don't think you are being ridiculous. The guy has some sort of problem. Whether it was triggered by the kiss or not, he clearly isn't getting over it. If he won't talk to you about this, then why put up with it? You could find a boyfriend who does want you sexually as well as emotionally.