bumpy road to relationship. now considering marriage but all of a sudden scared..

[Sakura Blossom]

Hey everyone. I know this is long but please please help.

I have known "S" since the summer of 2002. Our fathers are best high school buddies.

 

Summer 2004

Our dads thought it would be absolutely fantastic if the two of us dated.

With marriage as a near future possibility in mind. So yeah, a set up.

When I heard that, I honestly didn't mind. After all I had always thought the guy was alright.

I think he did too, so we both said okey dokey, and our first "date" happened June of 2004. (But he was an army soldier at the time and this happened on one of his leaves.)

 

But it was no smooth sailing!

This may not make sense to some of you, but BECAUSE I liked him a lot, and BECAUSE he was a family friend who I quite respected, I was so scared not to make any dumb mistakes around him. And so it was so hard for me to approach him. I didn't know how to get close to him without making him feel weird or embarrassing myself. And he's not the social type who makes people at ease with funny things to say..he's very on the quiet side. It was just so difficult. And I felt the parents who so wanted things to work out were very pressuring at times. And that made me want to run away. And his parents were just as bad. Worse actually.

 

So here was "S", in the middle of his army services, so we were unable to even see each other regularly or call eachother etc. Hard. Very hard.

And he seemed so nervous and cautious around me, yet it wasn't like he was ignoring me or treating me badly. Just very cautious and seemed to be uncomfortable at times. But nice.

I liked the guy, I KNEW that, but it was as if there was some wall to break down...

 

August came along. "S" came out on leave near the date of my birthday and even had lunch with me as soon as he came out, had a gift for me he had bought ahead of time. It was nice,

but things were still awkward and I was still shy around him. No chumminess yet.

The next day he went out for drinks with one of his army buddies also on leave and then the day after that I had dinner with him and his family. But things just didn't seem to be progressing the way I wanted it to...

 

Right about this time my friend's older sophisticated charming brother came on to me really strong, asking me out, buying me gifts, calling me all the time...and I don't know why..It just felt so good and I went along and flirted around and I guess I don't know..released my stress? But I slapped myself on the forehead and thought this is wrong. So I cleanly cut off things with him and no matter how hard this was I was gonna try my best with "S" because deep down underneath all my silly rationalizations I liked the dude a lot. And for some reason could see long into the future with him.

 

Then the storm hits me when I learn right about the same time "S" was flirting around with some random girl he had met when he had gone drinking with his army buddy that August when he came out for my b-day. She was no one we knew. And not even 3 days after he met her he was spouting words of affection and love on her website ( she had a homepage) with "I miss ya's and luv ya's'" Completely meaningless words of love, like a childish game. This lasted for roughly 2-3 weeks ( mid August going into september) The posts dwindled down about the last week or so.

I mean he was doing that from his base. She wasn't anyone he was gonna be able to see on a regular basis anyway but here he was just spouting them words.

 

With me he was so cautious and careful and shy, and with her he's your little sweet talker..

And none of his friends and family knew. It was like he took on this different life for that brief moment in time and became someone else. These people, his army buddy, were just totally from a bad crowd and he was going around acting just like them talking just like them. It was so childish.

And during the middle of all that he still called me right before my b-day from his base to wish me a happy birthday cuz he was afraid army regulations might not allow him to call me right on my b-day. Sigh.

 

I was hurt. Pretty shocked. He seemed like such a respectable nice guy...

I didn't say anything. Just ignored his call the next day. Ignored his text message. He must have felt something in his gut cuz after that one round of ignoring the phone would just not stop ringing. The txt messages to please call him never ended.

 

Finally when I thought I could control myself I talked to him and asked him I found out this and that...and just...WHY.

 

He told me that what he did was wrong he knows that, but this whole situation was just so hard he didn't know what to do. It seemed every move he made he had to be careful cuz I was his father's best friend's daughter and he didn't want to become an idiot around me...

and he just got so stressed and pressured, and with the army in the way he didn't feel he was able to give his all to me...and his parents talking about marriage and me being a possible wife and everything. Too much at once, he freaked out, and it wasn't like I was totally approachable either, and so when that girl crossed his path, he just wanted a temporary escape. He wasn't seriously pursuing anything with her at all, he knew he could see himself in a serious relationship with me..but he was stressed and he wanted to avoid it all just for even a little awhile. And she was easy and cute and there was no pressure no connection to any part of his future so he just wanted to have his fun as stress release.

Anyway amidst this all I found out he had completely left her website. As in terminated his account, vanished without a trace. ( I trust he didn't go back. I didn't suspect that at all actually) And then she starts posting in four letter words a day later that all men are a**h***s. Oi vey. ( she must have been hurt too. You don't DO that to people no matter how unimportant you think they are.)

 

Anyway he told me if he lost me he would regret it for the rest of his life, he was NOT just seeing me to please the parents ( if he didn't like me he wouldn't be seeing me simple as that). He liked me, he did, but that process was just so hard. Please forgive him, he wants to treat me well but the army is making things so hard, please give him a chance etc.

At first I was too hurt to see him on his next leave but over time I let my guard down, and we tried our best.

 

He left the army services in December and from then on we were able to see each other on a regular basis, and things were really nice. Nicer than I thought. We got closer and closer and things led to another and now we are officially bf and gf. We weren't sure what we were then, but we are sure now. And when our parents talk about us getting married he doesn't freak or anything ( that's up to us anyway but we know it's a possibility).

 

Everything is so wonderful now. No red flags, no weirdness nothing ( in fact during this whole thing he never did anything fishy like act hot and cold or anything like that..)

He's just nice and consistent in his quiet way, comes by to say hi to my parents, etc.

But it's as if now that things are great and progressing I am thinking about that one episode all over again and again.

 

Is there a reason for this? Should I be worried?

Or am I just having cold feet? Why all this thought again?

 

thanks for reading this long long post!

[sean001]

Yikes!

 

Well, first of all, I don't know if this should be on the "getting married" post because you two aren't even engaged yet! In fact, you both JUST became "officially" bf and gf.

 

With that said, I think your situation is quite unique and that both your parents had put some undue pressure on the situation from the beginning. No wonder why he was feeling a little nervous with the whole family connection!

 

I think when you start just "dating" somebody and your entire family is watching that it makes things a little awkward and amplifies every little bump in the road from the beginning. It doesn't sound like either of you did anything "wrong" to each other with the other dates because you weren't official. My suspicion is that your feelings about what he did will go away after you two spend some more time together. Give it some time.

 

Also, the feeling of seeing yourself with someone "long term" is sometimes a rare one. At least give this an honest shot.

[Sakura Blossom]

yikes! Sean thank you so much for actually reading the damn post.

In the midst of writing it I got so carried away and here I return a few hours later and it just

hit me how freaking long the thing was. I practically wrote a novel.

Ok will be short and sweet from now on.

Anyway thanks again. Seriously!

And he's been so nice to me. I'll be patient and see how things go like you said.