I think I abused boyfriends in the past

[SpiralOut]

I know it is normal for couples to fight. For me though, I've always felt something wasn't quite right. I pick boyfriends who disrespect me. By disrespect I mean things like showing up over an hour late to meet me, saying rude things about me to their friends in front of me, lying to me. At first they are great of course. After a while they take me for granted. When this happens, I speak to them about it, explaining how I feel.

 

They always do one of two things. They either

1) Listen, say they understand, and say they will change. They treat me better for about 2 weeks then go back to their old ways

 

2) Get defensive, don't really care, don't listen

 

I cannot remember a man ever taking my opinion seriously or showing genuine concern about me unless I am so fed up that I am ignoring him and on the verge of dumping him. At that point he suddenly decides he cares. As the relationship progresses and this cycle keeps happening over and over, I become more fed up of this guy ignoring me. I try to be mature and rational and speak to him like an adult but he doesn't care, so I lose it. I end up yelling and screaming at the guy, making below the belt comments, putting him down, criticizing him, and acting like a crazy girlfriend. Somehow when the fight is over, we are still together, and the cycle continues.

 

I don't like it that I get this way. I am trying to change. I think I know why I have done this. I was abused emotionally as a child. In the book Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers, the author talks about how the daughters will sometimes act out with her boyfriend/husband as a way of trying to resolve her issues with her mother. I guess it's a twisted way of trying to change someone, make someone respect you, make them love you.

 

I don't want to carry this into my next relationship. The most logical things to change include

 

1) pick better men to date in the first place

2) if someone treats me badly, LEAVE the relationship

3) continue to deal with my mother issues in therapy (I've already gone to a few sessions)

 

Guess I'm posting this here for support or advice or whatever. I don't talk about this with anyone in real life. I feel ashamed of myself and guilty and like a bad person for the way I treat my romantic partners.

Edited December 21, 2013 by SpiralOut

[M30USA]

I know it is normal for couples to fight. For me though, I've always felt something wasn't quite right. I pick boyfriends who disrespect me. By disrespect I mean things like showing up over an hour late to meet me, saying rude things about me to their friends in front of me, lying to me. At first they are great of course. After a while they take me for granted. When this happens, I speak to them about it, explaining how I feel.

 

They always do one of two things. They either

1) Listen, say they understand, and say they will change. They treat me better for about 2 weeks then go back to their old ways

 

2) Get defensive, don't really care, don't listen

 

I cannot remember a man ever taking my opinion seriously or showing genuine concern about me unless I am so fed up that I am ignoring him and on the verge of dumping him. At that point he suddenly decides he cares. As the relationship progresses and this cycle keeps happening over and over, I become more fed up of this guy ignoring me. I try to be mature and rational and speak to him like an adult but he doesn't care, so I lose it. I end up yelling and screaming at the guy, making below the belt comments, putting him down, criticizing him, and acting like a crazy girlfriend. Somehow when the fight is over, we are still together, and the cycle continues.

 

I don't like it that I get this way. I am trying to change. I think I know why I have done this. I was abused emotionally as a child. In the book Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers, the author talks about how the daughters will sometimes act out with her boyfriend/husband as a way of trying to resolve her issues with her mother. I guess it's a twisted way of trying to change someone, make someone respect you, make them love you.

 

I don't want to carry this into my next relationship. The most logical things to change include

 

1) pick better men to date in the first place

2) if someone treats me badly, LEAVE the relationship

3) continue to deal with my mother issues in therapy (I've already gone to a few sessions)

 

Guess I'm posting this here for support or advice or whatever. I don't talk about this with anyone in real life. I feel ashamed of myself and guilty and like a bad person for the way I treat my romantic partners.

 

 

If you believe your abusive tendencies are the result of trying to resolve issues from childhood with your mother, then why would it matter which guys you pick? That seems like you're still pinning it on externals, rather than yourself. No man is going to give you all the attention you want all the time.

[anne1707]

If you believe your abusive tendencies are the result of trying to resolve issues from childhood with your mother, then why would it matter which guys you pick? That seems like you're still pinning it on externals, rather than yourself. No man is going to give you all the attention you want all the time.

 

Picking bad men to date is a symptom of those childhood problems and helps to feed the continuing cycle of potential abuse. I think the OP is right to say she should pick better men to date but her focus should really be on herself first for now.

[ThatMan]

Picking bad men to date is a symptom of those childhood problems and helps to feed the continuing cycle of potential abuse. I think the OP is right to say she should pick better men to date but her focus should really be on herself first for now.

But on the other hand - Abuse is a choice. She can date losers who treat her poorly, and they still cannot force her to behave one way or the other. She has to take responsibility for her own choices. There's a cycle to abuse. Part of that cycle includes blaming other people, even your own victims that they deserved it. "You've done this. You've made me treat you this way. You. You. You."

 

The first step in tackling this behavior is to break out of the cycle of abuse. She has to accept a model of the world in which it doesn't matter who she dates. Once she's ready, THEN she can begin dating and choosing better men to foster healthy relationships. But not until she is healthy as an individual.

[Iguanna]

There are some women who are strong, they have high self esteem and they don't want for themselves nothing less than perfect. These women don't tolerate bad behavior (not even close to bad) because they want the best for themselves and they know they deserve better. This type of woman will be always late on dates cause she wants to show she doesn't really care and she has better things to do than go on a date. She will expect from the man to pay for her food, transportation, tickets, gifts cause she does him the favor to appear in the society with him. She won't discuss it when she has a problem with her man but try to solve it diplomatically. She will show her good face to his family and friends even when she hates them. She shows with every action and every aspect of her life that she keeps things for herself, she is never 100% committed on a relationship and she is like she has one foot outside the door ready to leave if she doesn't like something.

 

We would expect that this woman will not have great success with men cause she sounds manipulative and sometimes mean. Oddly this type of woman is really common to be found and men fall for her exactly because she never gives her whole self and she always keeps things and thoughts inside her. Apparently this mystery is appealing to men. I'm not saying you should become her, cause it seems you are a mature woman. But at least do not tolerate any bad behavior from anyone. Give chances but stop after a couple of them. If someone loves you enough to make real efforts to change, you will understand it. And this man will be a keeper.

[anne1707]

But on the other hand - Abuse is a choice. She can date losers who treat her poorly, and they still cannot force her to behave one way or the other. She has to take responsibility for her own choices. There's a cycle to abuse. Part of that cycle includes blaming other people, even your own victims that they deserved it. "You've done this. You've made me treat you this way. You. You. You."

 

The first step in tackling this behavior is to break out of the cycle of abuse. She has to accept a model of the world in which it doesn't matter who she dates. Once she's ready, THEN she can begin dating and choosing better men to foster healthy relationships. But not until she is healthy as an individual.

 

Isn't that basically what I said by saying she needed to focus on herself first. And who she dates does matter - she is choosing men who will let her down. In a way, this is her self-abuse pre-empting her abuse of others. She chooses bad men who help her perpetuate the cycle. By working on her own issues and then setting a higher standard for her own behaviours, she should set a higher standard for the behaviour she will accept and expect from others.

[ThatMan]

Isn't that basically what I said by saying she needed to focus on herself first. And who she dates does matter - she is choosing men who will let her down. In a way, this is her self-abuse pre-empting her abuse of others. She chooses bad men who help her perpetuate the cycle. By working on her own issues and then setting a higher standard for her own behaviours, she should set a higher standard for the behaviour she will accept and expect from others.

We're close to the same page. I think we fail to see eye-to-eye on something crucial I'll describe below. But essentially, our own behavior comes from within and not external things such as better boyfriends. I liked what you have to say about pre-empting. Not that anything we say matters as much as SpiralOut's own commitments in self-improvement.

 

It's hard when growing up being emotionally abused. There's a lot of pain to work through and it is no trivial or small thing. It's also difficult to understand what healthy relationships are all about without an example. Building healthy relationships after these experiences are particularly difficult. There are many ways to turn this around and be happier for it. Enlisting the aid of a professional is one excellent start.

 

Empowering yourself to make better decisions is the goal.

We each go through life in our own way. Most of us have probably behaved in many ways that we're not proud of. But that's okay and nobody is alone in this. So please be kind to yourself, SpiralOut, and acknowledge that your trying to make the most of the situation. Our behavior is how we learn to respond to the world around us. It is something that can be unlearned, which is something positive you can do for yourself.

 

Perhaps you'll get into this in therapy at some point. You need to understand, in no uncertain terms, that other people cannot be responsible for your own behavior. Finding the right guys, hoping that you'll never be let down, none of it can control how you behave. What your describing to use sounds painful, pervasive, and it won't change at the whims of others. I've earlier mentioned what's called a cycle of abuse. There is a setting up phase, or behaviors that are pre-empting. Your problem isn't other men. Your problem is yourself, the belief system you've built, and the idea that a man must give you X-Y-Z in order to make your actions stop. You need to place hard work and dedication into challenging many of your personal beliefs. You need to challenge the idea that other men are not responsible for how you choose to behave. And finding just the right guy with exact criteria won't change that.

Edited December 21, 2013 by ThatMan

[anne1707]

We're close to the same page. I think we fail to see eye-to-eye on something crucial I'll describe below.

 

I think we do agree actually. It is just you have phrased it so much better than me

[SpiralOut]

Picking bad men to date is a symptom of those childhood problems and helps to feed the continuing cycle of potential abuse. I think the OP is right to say she should pick better men to date but her focus should really be on herself first for now.

 

 

I agree with this.

 

You need to place hard work and dedication into challenging many of your personal beliefs. You need to challenge the idea that other men are not responsible for how you choose to behave. And finding just the right guy with exact criteria won't change that.

 

 

I agree completely. I don't blame the man for how I have behaved; I described how he treated me in order to explain what triggers me. I make bad choices because of myself. I put up with bad behaviour because of myself. It is up to me to leave a situation I don't like instead of trying to force the guy to do what I want. I'm trying to figure out why I put myself into these situations and then refuse to leave. It doesn't make sense that I do this. Part of my recovery means choosing better partners in the first place. The type of partners I choose says something about how I see myself.

 

I was recently abused verbally by a man I was involved with. He yelled at me for no reason and said hurtful things. Instead of fighting back I sat there and let him yell. Then I told him to never speak to me again. I got a taste of how it feels to be on the other side. It's not nice. I don't want to make people feel the way he made me feel. It also made me realize just how damaged he is inside to act that way towards someone. Is that what I look like? Probably. It's not flattering. I don't want to be that way.

 

Something else I've noticed about myself . . . many times, I will meet a high-quality guy I really like and he pursues me. Instead of dating him, I pretend I don't like him and reject him. Some part of me thinks I don't deserve him. I can't believe he actually likes me. I worry that he'll leave once he gets to know the real me. Maybe I'm afraid I'll treat him badly and I can't stand the idea of doing that to such a great guy. So then I'll date losers instead. When someone treats me badly it gives me the excuse I need to take things out on them.

 

Wow, I'm messed up. I'm just grateful that I can recognize it, at least.

Edited December 21, 2013 by SpiralOut

[regine_phalange]

I know what you mean.

 

In my first 2 relationships I was always very timid, even whan I was hurt. With my two fist boyfriends we hugged before parting ways, that's how gentle the crises and the breakups were.

 

Then I was in an abusive relationship with F.(he was the abuser) and it set a very bad pattern. And after that.. the downfall. Also I can't handle deception, in all of its forms. I am not forgetting when it comes to that. I can be very forgiving and feel okay if I'm not in the relationship, but if somehow I jump back, it becomes pure paranoia.

 

That happened with my ex boyfriend, G. He had a good heart, but was very insecure, very manipulative in the beginning, and he cheated when we started dating. I found out later, and since then the downfall began and lasted for 1.5 year. H-E-L-L. There were also other isues, like never meeting his friends or family. Every time I'd lash out and break up with him.. He would always want me back, no matter how hurtful things I said. I am very ashamed to say I even slapped him once. I was also very hurt but this didn't justify anything. It was a very low point.

 

He would want me back, and I was still in love with him, and stupidly went back every time. It was horrible. When we were together, at first I would feel nice, then he wouldn't do any effort to fix the issues that were pending. And I'd spend most of the time having a horrible feeling on the pit of my stomach, feeling stressed about him deceiving me... Even though we had a great time together it was not enough anymore. Because I was stupid going back with him.

 

After our last (and final) breakup he e-mailed me, wanted to see me... I said I couldn't handle doing this any longer, I have all the paranoid thoughts and feel so many regrets for behaving so humiliatingly towards him. He admitted that; "I know, I suffer too, I wish there would be a stop in my need of you, but I just can't seem to be able to live without you". And you know how badly I felt? Words can't describe it. I felt like a monster. Like my inhuman abusive ex, F. I could recognize the pattern that there is in the abusive relationships, called "the circle of violence". And I just kept feeding it by going back. All I can do, is never reply back to him so he moves on.

 

I have promised my self to never look back again when I have taken the decision to walk away. Ever. It's my fault for staying and stupidly thinking that I can work things out, while I just knew it wouldnt work any longer. I shouldnt be pushing my limits when I feel I'm done, because it would make everybody unhappy.