I want a divorce.. !!!! !!

[Angeleyez2583]

I am 99 percent sure I made the wrong decision when I said yes to marrying my husband. I knew I wasn't happy for a long time, but after getting blamed for something that my husband thinks is my fault , again, it hit me. I want a divorce!

 

I can't remember the last time I was happy. This is my current situation. We haven't even been married for two years. He stays at home with our daughter and goes to school to get his masters online. I work a full time job and support our family.

 

So I do appreciate him taking care of our child and going to school. To me, there really isn't much else to be happy about.

 

I get home from work at 12:30-1:00. Our child is usually awake, playing with an iPad. He will be on the computer.

The house will be messy. I will have to make myself food and then do cleaning. He wipes off the counters and does laundry.

 

I do all the other housework. I spend 5 hours on Saturday cleaning half the house and 5 hours Sunday cleaning. I'll also cook a dinner which he will not sit with us to eat. I want to spend time with my child, so she'll follow me around and try to help( it's very cute, but she does more than my husband.

 

During the week he spends most of the time on his computer while our daughter watches tv and mostly plays by herself.

 

She'll get into stuff she's not supposed to, like the fridge . And he'll freak out (he never realizes if he paid more attention to her)..

 

I feel really alone! He never wants to listen to my issues because it doesn't involve him or he doesn't answer or act like he cares. If I ask him for a favor and remind him I'm nagging him. If I'm not being sweet I'm mean. I don't feel appreciated for what I do. But if he does something beyond his normal two chores, I should kiss his butt. He always tells me I don't appreciate him. I was yelled at tonight because our child got into the fridge, took eggs out and dropped them on the floor. He wants to get a child proof lock for the fridge , even though he spends time in our room laying in bed on the computer. She has the whole house to herself. Usually our dog pees on the floor because she isn't let out very much. I can't make any suggestions or say how I feel because it gets turned around on me and is my fault.

 

I am not happy so I'm becoming this mean person at home. I put 90 percent into the marriage, he puts 10. He never ever ever says anything nice, and only does stuff that benefits him. Also, I never get any support. I can't even tell him how I feel because he doesn't listen and it's my fault. He tells me I am bipolar all the time, I need to see a doctor and get put on medicine, and that I am going to cheat on him . He asks me at least twice a day if I got hit on at work.

 

I could go on but I'm writing too much. I want a divorce, but we moved out of state, and his parents live 12 hours away. How would custody work? Please give advice if you've ever been in this situation! I'm so miserable I want to scream but feel so stuck and trapped! If it wasn't for our daughter, I would have left a long time ago.

 

Please give advice!!! Any would be appreciated!!!

[bmh]

I don't know how custody laws are in your state....but I have a friend recently divorced who moved to states over to he with her husband, when they got a divorce she wanted to move back where ALL of her family is from, the court said no. So she's stuck here with a few friends. This seems to be an issue that needs counseling IF you are willing but judging by your post it sounds like you've made up your mind. I can't say I blame you. Seek help and support from family and friends and proceed with the divorce. It seems to be in the best interest of everyone. Best of luck to you and your daughter!

[oldshirt]

there's some good news, some bad news and some hard work involved with this.

 

 

First the good news. This can be fixed. Unless there is something you don't know or aren't telling us like an affair or an undiagnosed addiction or something here, this can be fixed and you can get your respect, desire and love for him back.

 

 

The bad news is you may have to burn down and blow up everything to get him to hear you and to step up to the plate and get things straightened out. In other words you may have to pack up your child and leave, you may have to actually file for divorce, you may actually have to start to fall for someone else and have him catch you with your hand in the cookie jar before he is shaken out of this fog and actually hears you and understands what is taking place here and what he needs to do to fix it.

 

 

The real bad news he may decide to go ahead and let you go :-(

 

 

But let's assume he has just gotten too comfortable and too lazy and is taking you and your marriage for granted and once he does get woken up, he'll step up to the plate.

 

 

(BTW, my wife could have written your story by her own hand a few years ago, so I've been there, done that from his perspective)

 

 

What's taking place here is you have lost respect for him as a man and as a provider and as a protector and as a lover. Forget all that liberal feminist crap that Oprah and Ellen et al have been telling women for the last few decades.

 

 

Way deep down on an instinctual level, women can only love men that they respect and admire and see as "real men." A 'real man' fixes up his cave/nest/lair/home/castle/fort/whatever-you-want-to-call it for his mate and their offspring for their safety, security and comfort. then he goes out and slays dragons and kills wooly mammoths and brings home meat for the family. He fights off any interlopers that are trying to steal his food or supplies and fights off any other males that try to breed with his mate. After he brought home the bacon and fought off all the threats he breeds his mate that night and then at the buttcrack of dawn he goes out the next day and does it all over again.

 

 

That is what your basic hardwiring sees as a man, and a mate and what qualifies him as a virile mate and worthy of breeding you and producing offspring with.

 

 

Your husband isn't doing that. He is sitting around the cave looking into a glowing rectangle while your offspring is being exposed to danger while you are out trying to hunt the wooly mammoth so the family doesn't starve.

 

 

Your instinctive hard-wiring isn't seeing him as worthy mate and is not qualified to be your protector, provider nor worthy of passing on his genes to your offspring.

 

 

What needs to happen here is obvious. He needs to man-up, fix up the cave and get out and start bringing home some meat and start providing for and protecting his family.

 

 

Yes, I understand he is in school to better himself and better his future financial opportunities. fine. we can each give him a little leeway there. But he needs to get off the couch, start taking care of the home and child and start bringing home some meat. You need to see him going out and speering some mammoths and bringing some meat and taking care of his mate and offspring.

 

 

The challenge here is getting him to understand this and to really hear you and hear your needs. He's in a fog. He's in a delusion that things are fine and that you are taking care of everything. He needs to understand that HE needs to be taking care of things!!!!!

 

 

He may be able to do it and you may be able to regain some respect again but he is going to have to have that "AH HAH" moment and he is going to have to put in some serious and immediate effort. He needs to realize that you two are probably only a matter of weeks before you either blow up and completely disengage from him and move on with your life. Or until another man that you see as ambitious and capable and qualified gives you the nudge-nudge-wink-wink and you are off to the races with him.

 

 

You HAVE to get his attention. that may be popping a cog and starting a screaming match and throwing pots and pans. It may be not talking to him, not touching him and cutting him off sexually for 6 months. It may be packing up the child and taking off and telling him to give you a call when he has a part time job and the house is all cleaned up and in good repair. It may be handing him legal separation or divorce papers. It may be coming home in the middle of the night without a phone call with the smell of another mans sperm on your breath.

 

 

I could go on but you get my point. You HAVE to get him to hear you and get him to understand how critical it is for him to step up.

 

 

If you go to those lengths and he still won't put forth the effort, then you are justified in moving on.

[oldshirt]

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You HAVE to get his attention. that may be popping a cog and starting a screaming match and throwing pots and pans. It may be not talking to him, not touching him and cutting him off sexually for 6 months. It may be packing up the child and taking off and telling him to give you a call when he has a part time job and the house is all cleaned up and in good repair. It may be handing him legal separation or divorce papers. It may be coming home in the middle of the night without a phone call with the smell of another mans sperm on your breath.

 

 

I could go on but you get my point. You HAVE to get him to hear you and get him to understand how critical it is for him to step up.

 

.

 

 

 

Now just a heads up. If you that and he does catch on and he does step up to the plate, there will come a time when you are deeply pissed off that it took those drastic measures to do what you think he should have just naturally done in the first place.

 

 

and by that I mean you will be really, truly, deeply pissed off. But that's ok. If you can get to the point where he is stepping up and doing what needs to be done, you can deal with that anger and resentment when the time comes.

 

 

You can cross that bridge when you get to it. It will be a lot easier to get over that than getting him to step up in the first place.