Should I Tell My Wife

[John-Dough]

I know a lot of people on here subscribe to the theory that there should be no secrets from your spouse. What do you think about this:

 

Both my wife and I are smokers. I have tried to kick the habit on numerous occasions. Every time I try to quit, she decides she will try to quit at the same time. Each time, we end up failing.

 

We tried various methods. When she tries to quit, she constantly talks about cigarettes. This does not work for me, I need put it out of my mind. One time, I had actually quit and then she started trying to entice me to smoke again. I wanted a cigarette bad and eventually I caved. Anyway, in my opinion she sabotages my attempts. I don't think she wants to quit and I don't think she wants me to either.

 

So, this time I am going to try on my own without telling her. I will get prescription from a doctor and just start the process.

 

Regardless, of what anyone says, this is the way I'm going to do it. But, I was just curious what you all thought about this.

[D-Lish]

I thought you were going to say you were having an affair or something more sinister when I opened your thread!

 

This is something you need to do for yourself, and the current method of quitting with support from your wife is not working.

 

My ex-husband didn't like me smoking- so I hid it from him. I wasn't smoking a pack a day- two or three a day to relieve some stress. I hid that from him for 8 years to not rock the boat.

 

I don't see this secret as some sort of massive betrayal. I think it's okay to keep some things private from your spouse- and this is a good decision for your health.

 

If you can kick this, you can focus on helping her. I must warn you that once you quit- you will get really annoyed with your wife for smoking around you.

[John-Dough]

Currently, I smoke more than her. I need to totally quit because I can't just smoke a few. And if I told her she would say she would try to quit as well. And then, I couldn't say, oh don't quit, I want to try by myself. So, I'm not going to tell her until she notices I'm not smoking anymore. She will probably think it's weird I didn't tell her.

 

And if she wants to keep smoking, that is her choice. I won't be an obnoxious ex-smoker, at least I don't think I will be.

Edited December 21, 2013 by John-Dough

[D-Lish]

Currently, I smoke more than her. I need to totally quit because I can't just smoke a few. And if I told her she would say she would try to quit as well. And then, I couldn't say, oh don't quit, I want to try by myself. So, I'm not going to tell her until she notices I'm not smoking anymore. She will probably think it's weird I didn't tell her.

 

And if she wants to keep smoking, that is her choice. I won't be an obnoxious ex-smoker, at least I don't think I will be.

 

I think you need to do what you need to do to get healthy. There isn't much of a benefit to quit smoking if you're going to be inhaling second hand smoke.

 

I'm assuming you want to quit to preserve your health and prolong your life. That's an excellent decision. You need to do that- and when you get a handle on it- you can help your partner.

[BetrayedH]

I tried everything to quit and failed so who knows what value my opinion is on this subject.

 

From what I've seen, the people that truly and finally quit are those that are truly personally ready. The motivation is internal, not external. And most of the successful ones just got so disgusted with it that they put them down and never picked them up again.

 

I say all of this because I don't think doing it for someone else is going to work. In a team effort, it may temporarily help that you don't want to let your partner down but that's not going to keep you from smoking long-term. When you are ready, you'll quit.

 

I don't think you hide it and I don't think you make it a team effort. Tell her that you quit and that you expect she'll quit when she's ready.

 

Good luck.

[John-Dough]

There isn't much of a benefit to quit smoking if you're going to be inhaling second hand smoke.

 

I disagree. I think it WILL be healthier for me to cut out all the first-hand smoke. Yes, I may inhale a slight of amount of second-hand smoke, but me not smoking, has to be healthier, IMO.

 

You need to do that- and when you get a handle on it- you can help your partner.

 

I agree with BetrayedH, it's something each person needs to do for their own internal reasons. It has to be something THEY want to do.

[dreamingoftigers]

Here's another unwanted "so-and-so quit by blah blah blah" story....

 

My husband quit smoking (and he thought he would NEVER be able to) by doing laser therapy. $200.00 and eight years of not smoking. 45 minutes abd he was a non-smoker. Little crabby for a couple of days though.

 

I tried everything to quit and failed so who knows what value my opinion is on this subject.

 

From what I've seen, the people that truly and finally quit are those that are truly personally ready. The motivation is internal, not external. And most of the successful ones just got so disgusted with it that they put them down and never picked them up again.

 

I say all of this because I don't think doing it for someone else is going to work. In a team effort, it may temporarily help that you don't want to let your partner down but that's not going to keep you from smoking long-term. When you are ready, you'll quit.

 

I don't think you hide it and I don't think you make it a team effort. Tell her that you quit and that you expect she'll quit when she's ready.

 

Good luck.

[John-Dough]

I tried everything to quit and failed so who knows what value my opinion is on this subject.

 

From what I've seen, the people that truly and finally quit are those that are truly personally ready. The motivation is internal, not external. And most of the successful ones just got so disgusted with it that they put them down and never picked them up again.

 

I say all of this because I don't think doing it for someone else is going to work. In a team effort, it may temporarily help that you don't want to let your partner down but that's not going to keep you from smoking long-term. When you are ready, you'll quit.

 

I don't think you hide it and I don't think you make it a team effort. Tell her that you quit and that you expect she'll quit when she's ready.

 

Good luck.

 

I've tried a lot of methods - cold turkey, nicotine gum, nicotine inhaler, electronic device that told you when you could have a cigarette, electronic cigarettes, etc. I have come very close, but never quite made it. It's been a while since I last tried. I had told myself, I don't want to fail on this again. I think my best shot is to go it alone.

 

As far as hiding goes, I will have to use some creative financing at first to hide the cost for the doc & prescription. But, after that, the decline in cigarette purchases will start to offset it. I'm not going to pretend to be smoking, so it will become apparent if she is paying attention. If she asks, I will tell her. I am just not going to disclose it until she notices. I know once she knows, that will be the constant topic of conversation. Which as I said doesn't work for me. I need to put it out of my mind, not constantly talk about cigarettes.

[John-Dough]

Here's another unwanted "so-and-so quit by blah blah blah" story....

 

My husband quit smoking (and he thought he would NEVER be able to) by doing laser therapy. $200.00 and eight years of not smoking. 45 minutes abd he was a non-smoker. Little crabby for a couple of days though.

 

What does this laser therapy do? I never heard of it.

[dreamingoftigers]

What does this laser therapy do? I never heard of it.

 

The concise regurgitated version:

 

Your body produces "feel good" chemicals naturally.

When you take up something addictive (I.e. smoking) your body bevomes dependent on the cigarette to cue it when to release the chemicals.

The laser is like acupuncture that naturally boosts the body's production of the chemicals for about three-ish weeks. So you relax etc. añd it gets you through the withdrawal. Your body starts naturally producing the endorphins around that point.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I was a "social" smoker when I was young, but most of my life a nonsmoker - meaning that I would smoke once every few months, not certainly not regularly. My husband is a health professional and detests it.

 

Right before I was full on into my affair, I started smoking more regularly (should have been a warning to me) - it was more of a coping mechanism I guess. When dday hit I was smoking even more. Oddly enough my husband all of a sudden became sympathetic to it - didn't complain - but would gently tell me to be careful and how highly addictive they are. I always thought "I can quit any time I like".

 

Well here I am four years later and struggling with it - at my age! I have quit for 3 months at a time only to start back up again - usually when some big stressful, event hits like an iRS audit, my finding out about my husbands affair, etc. The problem is I like it - horrible to say. I never smoked a pack a day or anything- more like two or three a day.

 

There were times though I did try to hide it from my husband. Wait until he left the house, step outside and smoke, same thing before I came home from work but inevitably it was hard to hide - he has a good sniffer!

 

At any rate, I haven't smoked for a week now. I didn't set a date this time, I just didn't buy another pack. I might be crazy but I am taking the approach of not saying I am never smoking again but saying I am not smoking today. Because I can handle anything for a day - lol.

 

We will see - I really don't want to smoke anymore.

[d0nnivain]

My father always said the secret to quitting smoking was not tell anybody. Good luck with quitting. Hopefully when you do your wife will finally be able to.

[dreamingoftigers]

My mom and Dad both quit before I was born in 1980 and 1981.

 

My Dad quit when they went up to $1 or $2 a pack (I think it was a dollar). He wanted to see how long he COULD go without a cigarette and then got invested in it. He didn't tell my Mom. But she knew something was up when he ripped the cupboard door off in a rage.

 

The next year my Mom quit after attending this Christmas party where everyone there had either been pregnant or had a kid and she'd been trying for five years.

 

She was already pregnant four months with me and didn't know (ha ha Mom!)

Of course I went to a naturopath for fertility reasons myself. He gave me done supplements and within the week of taking them I wàs throwing up everywhere. Turns out I was 6 weeks pregnant already. Didn't know for another six weeks though.

[John-Dough]

My father always said the secret to quitting smoking was not tell anybody. Good luck with quitting. Hopefully when you do your wife will finally be able to.

 

I don't know, but I think your father was onto something there. He sounds like a wise man.

[John-Dough]

My Dad quit when they went up to $1 or $2 a pack (I think it was a dollar). He wanted to see how long he COULD go without a cigarette and then got invested in it. He didn't tell my Mom. But she knew something was up when he ripped the cupboard door off in a rage.

 

Another success story, by going it alone.

[dreamingoftigers]

Another success story, by going it alone.

 

Well, erm, I wish he would have quit the vile temper on his own too. And perhaps the blatant alcoholism. But yes, he did manage to quit the smoking. LOL

[Arieswoman]

I'm sorry to seem unsympathetic but there is only one way to quit smoking - and that is to quit smoking.

 

If you are motivated enough then you will do it even if you live in a house full of smokers.

 

Sometimes it takes a short sharp shock to focus someone.

 

I quit when I was told I had to go in for surgery. I knew (from working in the medical field) that the recovery outcomes were better for non-smokers than for smokers. So I quit overnight.

 

My husband quit when he had a stomach ulcer and started vomiting blood one night. The specialist told him to quit and he did the next day.

 

If you want to do it enough you can do it.

[John-Dough]

I'm sorry to seem unsympathetic but there is only one way to quit smoking - and that is to quit smoking.

 

If you are motivated enough then you will do it even if you live in a house full of smokers.

 

Sometimes it takes a short sharp shock to focus someone.

 

I quit when I was told I had to go in for surgery. I knew (from working in the medical field) that the recovery outcomes were better for non-smokers than for smokers. So I quit overnight.

 

My husband quit when he had a stomach ulcer and started vomiting blood one night. The specialist told him to quit and he did the next day.

 

If you want to do it enough you can do it.

 

Actually, I agree. My point was, I just want to quit alone and not make it a team effort. I want to concentrate on me quitting and not have to worry about what someone else does. For me, I have tired it the other way and it doesn't work.

 

As of yet, I haven't had the slap in the face to have to do it for a specific health issue. I would rather do it before that occurs.

 

And for the record, not asking for any sympathy. LOL

[BetrayedH]

I still think you tell you wife what you've told us: you're quitting and would prefer just not to talk about it so you're not triggered to think about them.

 

I get how tough it is to quit. I tried zyban, switching to dip (heard it was easier to quit the dip), cold turkey, the patch, tapering off, and laser treatment. The addiction is crazy; I couldn't believe the rationalizations I could come up with to have a smoke now (and that'll be my last for the day, etc). I heard chantix has the best success rate out of anything out there today (but can have some disturbing side effects - nightmares, depression, suicide).

 

But my efforts were primarily for my family. So, I agree with you and the other poster that said you'll do it when YOU'RE ready. My efforts went out the window after discovering my wife's affair but that's another subject.

 

Good luck.

[John-Dough]

I still think you tell you wife what you've told us: you're quitting and would prefer just not to talk about it so you're not triggered to think about them.

 

I get how tough it is to quit. I tried zyban, switching to dip (heard it was easier to quit the dip), cold turkey, the patch, tapering off, and laser treatment. The addiction is crazy; I couldn't believe the rationalizations I could come up with to have a smoke now (and that'll be my last for the day, etc). I heard chantix has the best success rate out of anything out there today (but can have some disturbing side effects - nightmares, depression, suicide).

 

But my efforts were primarily for my family. So, I agree with you and the other poster that said you'll do it when YOU'RE ready. My efforts went out the window after discovering my wife's affair but that's another subject.

 

Good luck.

 

I am going to try Chantix, like you I have heard very good things about it. The people I know who have successfully quit, that is the way they did it.

 

But, no I'm not going to tell her. I've been down that road before and I know what happens. She doesn't do it on purpose, except that one time, when she was drinking and kept telling me how good the cigarettes were, and putting them in front of my face, etc. I shouldn't have caved, but it made a good excuse and I really wanted one. At that point, I hadn't had any cigarettes for like 3 days after taking a couple of months to wean myself down. And after that, I totally gave in. That was the last time I tried to quit. But in general, she gets obsessed with things like that and it is all she can think or talk about. Maybe it helps her, but it doesn't help me. So, this time, for once, it's going to be me going it alone. If she wants to quit she can. If she wants to keep smoking, she can do that too. That will be up to her.

 

And if she pays attention at all, she will notice. If she asks, I will just say yes, I am trying to cut back and quit. If she doesn't even notice, I will say nothing until I get through it.

 

As I said before, I smoke more than her anyway. So, I really need to quit.

 

For me, quitting smoking is the hardest thing I have ever tried to do. I need complete focus on myself to get it done.

Edited December 21, 2013 by John-Dough

[BetrayedH]

I am going to try Chantix, like you I have heard very good things about it. The people I know who have successfully quit, that is the way they did it.

 

But, no I'm not going to tell her. I've been down that road before and I know what happens. She doesn't do it on purpose, except that one time, when she was drinking and kept telling me how good the cigarettes were, and putting them in front of my face, etc. I shouldn't have caved, but it made a good excuse and I really wanted one. At that point, I hadn't had any cigarettes for like 3 days after taking a couple of months to wean myself down. And after that, I totally gave in. That was the last time I tried to quit. But in general, she gets obsessed with things like that and it is all she can think or talk about. Maybe it helps her, but it doesn't help me. So, this time, for once, it's going to be me going it alone. If she wants to quit she can. If she wants to keep smoking, she can do that too. That will be up to her.

 

And if she pays attention at all, she will notice. If she asks, I will just say yes, I am trying to cut back and quit. If she doesn't even notice, I will say nothing until I get through it.

 

As I said before, I smoke more than her anyway. So, I really need to quit.

 

For me, quitting smoking is the hardest thing I have ever tried to do. I need complete focus on myself to get it done.

 

Well, good luck with it. I know how brutal it can be. I just figured that if you're a regular smoker, she'd notice on like the first day (so why complicate it with trying to explain lying). Regardless, it's your situation obviously and if it works, there are obviously much worse things to have lied about.

[John-Dough]

Well, good luck with it. I know how brutal it can be. I just figured that if you're a regular smoker, she'd notice on like the first day (so why complicate it with trying to explain lying). Regardless, it's your situation obviously and if it works, there are obviously much worse things to have lied about.

 

Oh, I am definitely a regular smoker. If she doesn't notice, she isn't paying attention. I know quite a few people who have told their SO, that they quit smoking and have a few smokes when SO is not around. That wouldn't be what I was doing. But, even in that case, I'm not sure I would call that lying, but more of a slip up.

 

My 'lie' will be that I am not smoking as much as I used to and eventually not smoking at all. Personally, I wouldn't consider it a lie, that I don't make a public announcement that I am going to quit smoking. The same would be true if I wanted to drop a few pounds, by cutting back a bit on my food. I wouldn't find it necessary to announce that either.

[anna121]

Can you not lay down the law with her? Her behaviour seems so disrespectful and counter-productive.

 

Frankly, she sounds a little nuts.

 

(Ok, I guess I just answered my own question.)

 

Good luck! My husband quit 8 years ago. He was a teen smoker through his twenties. He was ready and it happened. He got addicted to Nicorette for a few years but that's over.

 

It's the most important thing he's ever done and I never stop being grateful.

[John-Dough]

Can you not lay down the law with her? Her behaviour seems so disrespectful and counter-productive.

 

Frankly, she sounds a little nuts.

 

- I guess you did, but hey, nobody's perfect.

[dreamingoftigers]

Well, good luck with it. I know how brutal it can be. I just figured that if you're a regular smoker, she'd notice on like the first day (so why complicate it with trying to explain lying). Regardless, it's your situation obviously and if it works, there are obviously much worse things to have lied about.

 

Zyban is crazy stuff!

 

I took it as Wellbutrin (antidepressant) last year.

 

Turns out I wasn't depressed, just felt down when my husband was a jackass to me regularly.

 

Although, in a sense the Wellbutrin fixed that.

It caused me to rage instead of feel down. In theory, he would've raged back at me and caused a super-fight. But instead it was like he could empathize with me and see that I was hurt when I was angry. Very weird emotional context there.

 

Hurt and crying= manipulating me

Raging = "I saw that lasagna go flying across the table, honey what's wrong? What's bothering you?"

 

Yep, glad I stopped that prescription. BUT the effects were reasonable. It got my husband to listen to me. And not because he was "afraid." Sigh.....

 

I hated it. I was getting edgy and upset at cafeteria ladies, parking lot attendant, my teacher. Ugh. But I did learn that aggression (as opposed to assertion) really does work on a lot of people. I don't subscribe to it in general but I can really see now how aggressive people really can and do push forward with little consequence.

 

It's just way too far outside of my personality range to make people that uncomfortable on a regular basis.