Friend neglection due to Relationship.

[justinewong]

I can't stand it at all...! I have a best friend where we do stuff together a lot. We hang out together in the holidays, and play in the weekend. However, ever since he got a girl friend (only been 2 weeks), he's been neglecting me, and I don't like it.

 

Not hanging out as often aside, he constantly reschedule an event we were planning. What's worst is that some events, he didn't even tell me that he not coming anymore. According to him, his girlfriend was bitching about me saying I was over reacting the entire situation. Excuse me bitch, you're not the one being ditched and left waiting at a location for 3 hours.

 

I told him that I miss the friendship, and miss hanging out, and he replied that I'm still important to him. However, it's annoying because when I ask him to hang out, he would make her gf the first priority. He only hangs out when her gf can't come, or to just spare me a bone, even then he would just flip open his phone and text his gf, or talk about his gf.

 

What annoys me the most now is that we have planned an event for everyone of our friends to come. He wants to bring his gf along, but there's no more room available (hotel room) for her. He told me that he doesn't wanna go if his gf can't come because she's going on holiday soon (for f### sake, you guys hang out every single day... You can't spend 2 days just hanging out with your friends who you've known for 7 years). Then his gf message telling me that my friend wouldn't go if she doesn't go, and that would people get angry. I told her that obviously some people are going to get mad. She then replied "Oh, so he's basically forced to go". I was like Wtf?! We planned the event a month ago before he even met you. He made a commitment, he can't just basically abandon it without annoying some people.

 

I'm just really angry at my friend. Seriously, I've known you for 7 years, and you're neglecting me over a girl you met for only 2 weeks. While you come crying to me when the relationship goes crap? Should I just cut contact with him? The more I see him the more angry I get.

[d0nnivain]

Friends often ditch their friends when a romantic relationship comes along. It's very wrong of him to stand you up, but when the new SO enters the picture, you need to assume that you will have to make room in your life for him as part of a couple now.

 

If this hotel room thing is mixed, guys & girls, figure out a way to include the GF. Perhaps he & she can get their own room if it's a sleep over thing or he can bring her then take her home. How they work that out is between them but you need to extend the invitation to her.

 

For now she's the novelty & of course she can give him things you're not.

 

Perhaps you will be able to spend more time with your buddy again while she's on vacation. Talk to him. There is a happy medium in here somewhere.

[Elias33]

Don't be the friend he is for you. Be happy for him but take note; you can't rely on him. Not her fault, but his. You've been Yoko Ono'd.

[preraph]

Hate to say it, but this is how you learn who your real friends are and what they're made of. Women go through this a whole lot with their fickle female friends, probably more than men do. I've had friends who disappear anytime they're dating. I've had friends who only show up when they're unhappy in their relationship and lean on me and then disappear back to the guy after I've told them he's a sick *******. I've had friends abandon me after they had kids.

 

You can't compete with him having a girlfriend. No, it may not last long, but who cares. You wanna be the desperate friend hanging around waiting. Forget about him entirely for the time being, go and have fun. Do NOT cave to him bringing his girlfriend because we both know that kills a wild weekend. The last thing I want is to spend a weekend with my friend and her boyfriend and turn what was a great idea into me feeling like a third wheel and being outvoted on every little decision two to one.

 

So cut your losses and go do something else with someone else! If you really want him back once they're done, then fine, but always remember he's fickle.

[justinewong]

Friends often ditch their friends when a romantic relationship comes along. It's very wrong of him to stand you up, but when the new SO enters the picture, you need to assume that you will have to make room in your life for him as part of a couple now.

 

If this hotel room thing is mixed, guys & girls, figure out a way to include the GF. Perhaps he & she can get their own room if it's a sleep over thing or he can bring her then take her home. How they work that out is between them but you need to extend the invitation to her.

 

For now she's the novelty & of course she can give him things you're not.

 

Perhaps you will be able to spend more time with your buddy again while she's on vacation. Talk to him. There is a happy medium in here somewhere.

 

For the hotel thing. What his gf wants is that she can go, and everyone else can chip in for her too, so she wouldn't pay as much.

 

I know he'll start hanging out with me again when her gf went on vacation. The thing is, do i really want a friend who only comes to me when no one else is available?

Edited December 22, 2013 by justinewong

[justinewong]

Hate to say it, but this is how you learn who your real friends are and what they're made of. Women go through this a whole lot with their fickle female friends, probably more than men do. I've had friends who disappear anytime they're dating. I've had friends who only show up when they're unhappy in their relationship and lean on me and then disappear back to the guy after I've told them he's a sick *******. I've had friends abandon me after they had kids.

 

You can't compete with him having a girlfriend. No, it may not last long, but who cares. You wanna be the desperate friend hanging around waiting. Forget about him entirely for the time being, go and have fun. Do NOT cave to him bringing his girlfriend because we both know that kills a wild weekend. The last thing I want is to spend a weekend with my friend and her boyfriend and turn what was a great idea into me feeling like a third wheel and being outvoted on every little decision two to one.

 

So cut your losses and go do something else with someone else! If you really want him back once they're done, then fine, but always remember he's fickle.

 

I agree. The fact that's he's ditching me right now, and is ditching me again for the friends event show how reliable he is. I am upset and angry, but I'm happy to let a friend go if he's taking me for granted. If his relationship turn to crap (which i know it would), I'm not going to be the person to comfort him. He got his chances.

[justinewong]

Oh great, he's ditching me for another event that he promised to go again, and he also cut me off (when talking on the phone, because his GF has arrived). Well, now my mind is made up.

[whichwayisup]

Oh great, he's ditching me for another event that he promised to go again, and he also cut me off (when talking on the phone, because his GF has arrived). Well, now my mind is made up.

 

He's handling this really badly and very immaturely as well. All he has to do is be honest. Sure you'll be pissed at him but him actually saying, sorry buddy, I have to cancel is much better than not showing up. He's being a jerk and he doesn't care because of his new gf. the thing that he doesnt' realize is, gf's come and go, friendships last forever. His loss. I say cut him out of your life (for now) and focus on other friends and stop making any plans with him. If/ when the time comes he's ready to hang out and talk, DO talk to him and tell him how he made you feel and that he was acting like a real douche, that friends don't ditch friends. see if he'll apologize and talk to you...

[justinewong]

He's handling this really badly and very immaturely as well. All he has to do is be honest. Sure you'll be pissed at him but him actually saying, sorry buddy, I have to cancel is much better than not showing up. He's being a jerk and he doesn't care because of his new gf. the thing that he doesnt' realize is, gf's come and go, friendships last forever. His loss. I say cut him out of your life (for now) and focus on other friends and stop making any plans with him. If/ when the time comes he's ready to hang out and talk, DO talk to him and tell him how he made you feel and that he was acting like a real douche, that friends don't ditch friends. see if he'll apologize and talk to you...

 

Well I just blocked him on facebook. When he told me he can't come to an event with me because of his gf. I said "... Well I can't force you to come". He then replied "Okay :)". If he wants to become friends and apologies then he know where I live or he knows my number. He only met the girl for two weeks, and he's already cutting out all the events me and him or some other friends made since last week or month. But oh well, hope he's happy. In addition, his boss and some other friends doesn't like his recent behaviour either as he's been skipping work (What an idiot).

 

Anyway, I got a feeling people (who doesn't know the situation) would just think I'm being immature, or they might think I'm jealous of his gf, but whatever.

Edited December 22, 2013 by justinewong

[justinewong]

Its not the gf's place to involve herself in the

Conversation.he should keep her in her place.

 

And you sounds like or you like him more then just

a friend or he is just the only friend you ever had.

and now you are jalouse.

 

Its logic that if he have a gf he cant hang out like

before.

But dont show up etc is not okay from his part.

Maybe you are forcing it.

Have fun with your other freinds.

And let him know how you feel and move on.

 

And im shore there is place for the gf in the hotel,

but you just dont want her to come.

Or you are just happy that there is no room for her

And would not move a finger to make room for her.hahaha

 

Stop fighting this like a lover.

Deal with it as a friend.

 

You are to much in his business.back off.

Stop inviting him if he keep ditching you.

 

And its not your business if he skipp work.

Do you even go to his work to talk and ask his boss

what he think about your freinds behaviour

 

Stop.have your own life.you act like he have to be

At every event otherwise its because of his gf.

or you will get mad. He is grown I guess.he can choose

By his own.

 

How old are you guys?

 

a) I never said that he can't hang out with his gf

b) I don't love him, and have other friends

c) I am mad because he constantly ditch events in the last minute (even though he confirmed he's coming the day before) without even telling leaving me to always wait there like an idiot.

d) I don't care if her gf comes, just book her own room, and not force everyone else to chip in for her.

e) Don't make assumption about me loving him. I didn't make assumption of you or your butchered up English.

f) Like I said before that the events that he's going on were planned months or weeks ago before he met her.

g) Yes, I know his boss/manager because I intro him to that job because he asked me to.

h) I never said it was my business that he skipped work, that's why i didn't call him out on it.

j) I have other friends to hang out with, when I posted this topic, I was sad of losing a friend that I know for years.

k) How I am I being too in his business when I'm only getting angry at how he ditched me in events?

L) Try typing your response on Microsoft Word, and run through spell check before posting it here. It's one thing to use abbreviation (e.g. Wat instead of What), but your responses were just beyond deciphering.

M) Please actually read my what I've typed instead of reading a little bit then making cliche and stereotypical assumption.

Edited December 22, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Trapito]

I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

I wouldn't have blocked him on fb, but I would also become sick of his behaviour. No, you don't have to pay for her hotelroom, if she wants to come she can pay herself or he can pay for her.

 

Just don't make new appointments with him, don't ask him if he wants to hang out. Leave him be. When he gets tired of her, he will return. The question then is, do you still want to hang out. Forget about him for now and don't waste your energy.

[preraph]

Yeah, you are just dealing with rude behavior and finding out he apparently doesn't have the capacity (or perhaps balls?) to juggle both a romance and a friendship. It's not nice of him to cancel or change prior arrangements. It's one thing if he spends less time and makes fewer plans now, but to just abandon friendships over a woman is really a measure of his lack of loyalty and responsibility. Sticking around asking for more ill treatment would just make him disrespect you more. So just quietly step away and find someone else to hang out with. Jeez, I never had a bf who gave up his male friends just because he had a girldfriend. That's nuts.

[rockmanmegaman]

Yeah, after blocking him. I feel all my problems are gone now.

[nescafe1982]

Wait... he's only been with the new GF for two weeks? And you're blowing a gasket about him not being as there for you as he was before?

 

Give the guy a break. It sounds as though you are making no effort to make way for the new woman. And I'm guessing from your Name that you're female, right? If I was his GF, you would be setting off major warning bells in my head with all of your territorial behavior and drama-making nonsense.

 

Now, it stinks if he bails on a trip out of town because his GF can't go along. But aside from that situation (which might be complicated by the fact that he's going with another girl, one who sounds incredibly territorial IMO), I don't see much room for griping here.

 

People who fall in love fall of the face of the planet for a while... it's normal and to be expected. But if you want to stay friends with ANYONE after they find a GF or BF, you need to make overtures to be a "friend to the relationship." Especially if you are a friend of the opposite sex.

 

You're not doing that, and I have a feeling it's making things very difficult for your guy friend. You're going to lose his friendship if you don't settle down.

[justinewong]

Yeah, after blocking him. I feel all my problems are gone now.

 

What do you mean?

[justinewong]

Wait... he's only been with the new GF for two weeks? And you're blowing a gasket about him not being as there for you as he was before?

 

Give the guy a break. It sounds as though you are making no effort to make way for the new woman. And I'm guessing from your Name that you're female, right? If I was his GF, you would be setting off major warning bells in my head with all of your territorial behavior and drama-making nonsense.

 

Now, it stinks if he bails on a trip out of town because his GF can't go along. But aside from that situation (which might be complicated by the fact that he's going with another girl, one who sounds incredibly territorial IMO), I don't see much room for griping here.

 

People who fall in love fall of the face of the planet for a while... it's normal and to be expected. But if you want to stay friends with ANYONE after they find a GF or BF, you need to make overtures to be a "friend to the relationship." Especially if you are a friend of the opposite sex.

 

You're not doing that, and I have a feeling it's making things very difficult for your guy friend. You're going to lose his friendship if you don't settle down.

 

I can understand that people with new relationship need space and stuff. I am upset that he doesn't spend as much time with me, but it's not the main reason why i'm angry about it. In those 2 weeks I didn't even ask him out to events, and when i do, I always say bring your gf along. The only reason why I'm angry is because he canceled all the events planned way way before he met the girl, without telling me (In fact, most of the events, he made join in the first place). The first few times, I can get over it but constantly...? I can handle that. my other friends have gf or bf alongway, but none of them have ever made me or their other friends feel like complete crap after getting one. if i lose the friendship, then so be it. I don't want a friend who bails and ditches me every single time.

[Trapito]

Just back away, leave him be.

 

Right now his world is full of butterflies and pink hearts and stuff. He will someday float back down to earth and realize he has been neglacting you and your friends. Give it some time.

[nescafe1982]

Just back away, leave him be.

 

Right now his world is full of butterflies and pink hearts and stuff. He will someday float back down to earth and realize he has been neglacting you and your friends. Give it some time.

 

^ Agree. If you've had this guy's close friendship for seven years, two weeks of relative silence is not really that big of a deal. I believe you if you say there's nothing else going on (that's making you jealous).... but two weeks isn't really that long at all. How many times can a person blow you off in that stretch of time, really?

 

I think you're likely overreacting. If you instead focus on your other friendships and respect this guy's space for a while, I bet you'll find he eventually stops pushing you away. IN the meantime, always extend the invite to his GF too, and try not to take his flakiness so personally.

[justinewong]

^ Agree. If you've had this guy's close friendship for seven years, two weeks of relative silence is not really that big of a deal. I believe you if you say there's nothing else going on (that's making you jealous).... but two weeks isn't really that long at all. How many times can a person blow you off in that stretch of time, really?

 

I think you're likely overreacting. If you instead focus on your other friendships and respect this guy's space for a while, I bet you'll find he eventually stops pushing you away. IN the meantime, always extend the invite to his GF too, and try not to take his flakiness so personally.

 

Well if you say I don't give him room, well I do. I may sound cold hearted but I do miss our friendship. But i honestly feel that letting him go is better for me emotionally and mentally. In these 2 weeks, you got no idea how much events he ditch out of (planned before he met the girl). I know that when someone get into relationship, they get into that stage where the girl is all they care about, but seriously... When you ditch an event, at least give a call or message. None of my other friends made me feel like **** like he does.

 

I'm not going to go onto full detail about the event and specific because i don't want anyone to identify

- Salvation Army Charity event (told me to go, then not show up)

- Some other charity garage sale event (I asked him to go, and didn't show up)

- Boxing Day Sales event (Again, told me to go, money is payed, and now he's pulling out)

- Boxing Day 2nd sale event (it's a two pater, again, told me to go, and is bailing now).

- The hotel event that I've mentioned (Not only does he and his gf doesn't want to go he want us to chip in for her gf.

- Friends hangout (promised to go, and now he's bailing yet again. Instead of apologizing, he just said I don't wanna go anymore).

- A sport event, where he said he wouldn't go unless we reschedule on a later date so his gf can come (my other friends are piss about this because they aren't free in other days, and we've been planning this for weeks to get the date right so everyone can come).

- My friend died 6 days ago. I was talking to him on phone, and then he just cut me off because his gf is here.

- Ditching work, pissing the manager/boss (who are my friend) off. He want to fire him, but I keep begging him to not.

 

Besides ditching events, whenever we do hangout now, he go out of his way to remind me how he doesn't want to hang out (e.g. saying how he couldn't believe he's here, or sleeping, or even ignore everyone else while just texting his gf).

 

In addition, besides all the things he had done in the 2 weeks. I also found out from his sister that he and his girlfriend has been bitching about me (I haven't post this news before as it was really personal). According to his sis, his gf was bitching about me even before meeting me (through going through his facebook). Anyway, his gf being a bitch aside, I'm just really hurt emotionally because I can't believe he was bitching about me. I always see him as a close friend, and never bitched about him (until now). The thing he bitched about was really really mean. It was about my appearance and my family, and I literally cried when I heard this. That was before I even knew he got a girlfriend. Anyway...

 

I know I may sound like a cold heart bitch trying to ruin his parade but I'm more like robin from How I Met Your Mother. You know the episode where Robin was getting annoyed and upset because Lily would just ignore all her problems, skip over her input, and just talk about her future baby?

[Trapito]

Well if you say I don't give him room, well I do. I may sound cold hearted but I do miss our friendship. But i honestly feel that letting him go is better for me emotionally and mentally. In these 2 weeks, you got no idea how much events he ditch out of (planned before he met the girl). I know that when someone get into relationship, they get into that stage where the girl is all they care about, but seriously... When you ditch an event, at least give a call or message. None of my other friends made me feel like **** like he does.

 

I'm not going to go onto full detail about the event and specific because i don't want anyone to identify

- Salvation Army Charity event (told me to go, then not show up)

- Some other charity garage sale event (I asked him to go, and didn't show up)

- Boxing Day Sales event (Again, told me to go, money is payed, and now he's pulling out)

- Boxing Day 2nd sale event (it's a two pater, again, told me to go, and is bailing now).

- The hotel event that I've mentioned (Not only does he and his gf doesn't want to go he want us to chip in for her gf.

- Friends hangout (promised to go, and now he's bailing yet again. Instead of apologizing, he just said I don't wanna go anymore).

- A sport event, where he said he wouldn't go unless we reschedule on a later date so his gf can come (my other friends are piss about this because they aren't free in other days, and we've been planning this for weeks to get the date right so everyone can come).

- My friend died 6 days ago. I was talking to him on phone, and then he just cut me off because his gf is here.

- Ditching work, pissing the manager/boss (who are my friend) off. He want to fire him, but I keep begging him to not.

 

Besides ditching events, whenever we do hangout now, he go out of his way to remind me how he doesn't want to hang out (e.g. saying how he couldn't believe he's here, or sleeping, or even ignore everyone else while just texting his gf).

 

In addition, besides all the things he had done in the 2 weeks. I also found out from his sister that he and his girlfriend has been bitching about me (I haven't post this news before as it was really personal). According to his sis, his gf was bitching about me even before meeting me (through going through his facebook). Anyway, his gf being a bitch aside, I'm just really hurt emotionally because I can't believe he was bitching about me. I always see him as a close friend, and never bitched about him (until now). The thing he bitched about was really really mean. It was about my appearance and my family, and I literally cried when I heard this. That was before I even knew he got a girlfriend. Anyway...

 

I know I may sound like a cold heart bitch trying to ruin his parade but I'm more like robin from How I Met Your Mother. You know the episode where Robin was getting annoyed and upset because Lily would just ignore all her problems, skip over her input, and just talk about her future baby?

 

I am so sorry for your pain.

 

You two made a lot of appointments, and he ditched almost all events if I am correct. He is in love and wants to spend time with his girlfriend. I think she sees you as a threat.

 

He keeps whining and moaning when he does show up. She talks badly behind your back. Don't let the two of them see you're hurting!

 

Don't call/text/fb/smoke signal/contact him. Back far away. He doesn't deserve your friendship at the moment. When he gets sick and tired of her, he will come around. If you push him, he will go the other way. You can NOT make him change his mind.

 

When he contacts you, be polite and don't nag him about spending time with you. Don't mention his gf is a bitch. Just be cool and calm.

[justinewong]

I am so sorry for your pain.

 

You two made a lot of appointments, and he ditched almost all events if I am correct. He is in love and wants to spend time with his girlfriend. I think she sees you as a threat.

 

He keeps whining and moaning when he does show up. She talks badly behind your back. Don't let the two of them see you're hurting!

 

Don't call/text/fb/smoke signal/contact him. Back far away. He doesn't deserve your friendship at the moment. When he gets sick and tired of her, he will come around. If you push him, he will go the other way. You can NOT make him change his mind.

 

When he contacts you, be polite and don't nag him about spending time with you. Don't mention his gf is a bitch. Just be cool and calm.

 

Ever since I've blocked him (2 days) ago, I really feel like I can finally just move on. Everytime when I see him post how he's havin fun with his gf, it pains me because he have to ditch me first before having fun with her. However, to be honest, I'm actually hoping that he would at least contact me as to why I've blocked him (so i know that he atleast still care about his friend). He didn't which kinda shows how much he actually values me.

[Trapito]

Ever since I've blocked him (2 days) ago, I really feel like I can finally just move on. Everytime when I see him post how he's havin fun with his gf, it pains me because he have to ditch me first before having fun with her. However, to be honest, I'm actually hoping that he would at least contact me as to why I've blocked him (so i know that he atleast still care about his friend). He didn't which kinda shows how much he actually values me.

 

Did you block him to get a reaction? Maybe he hasn't seen you've blocked him?

[justinewong]

Did you block him to get a reaction? Maybe he hasn't seen you've blocked him?

 

I've blocked him because I couldn't take it anymore. I was dealing with a friend who died, and he wasn't doing anything to help me get pass it. But honestly, I wanted to see his reaction because it means he still value me as a friend, but he didn't. In addition, I've also sent him a message before blocking him saying something like "My friend died, you couldn't spare not even 2 minutes to help me get through this? I want to be happy about ur new relationship but ur really not giving me any reason to do so. I don't wanna a friend who just constantly ditch me."

 

He didn't message me, he never facebook back, and he didn't even call me or try to contact me afterwards. So there we have it.

Edited December 24, 2013 by justinewong

[Elias33]

You did right. Horrible friends don't deserve your time. Be happy for him. He will find himself without friends someday, that's enough for him to deal with.

[nescafe1982]

It's funny you mention How I Met Your Mother, actually... because that dynamic is what I was thinking about too. Only I wasn't thinking of Lily and Robin... I was thinking of Ted and Robin. A too-close, somewhat codependent relationship that interferes with one's ability to make new romantic connections.

 

It stinks that he blew off so many events with you. But by my count, if he really blew all these off in two weeks time, you had him almost completely booked up! There's something off about that, for starters. And when a friend establishes a new romance, you kind of have to "make room" for her. All you seem to be doing is competing with her.

 

Which will only make matters worse. Especially if she picks up on the fact that you're not supportive of their relationship. It's going to make her wonder why.

 

Now, he hasn't been an angel (some of the events he blew off he really shouldn't have), but you seem WAY too upset about a friend getting a new GF. Which makes me wonder what kind of void he's been filling for you in the time before he met her.

Edited December 24, 2013 by nescafe1982