Adult children from dysfunctional homes

[WrinkledForehead]

I wrote a thread sort of relating to this last week.

 

Last night I stumbled across an article which detailed the actions of adult children from dysfunctional homes. I cried when I realized how many traits on the list applied to me. I felt relief when I noticed that years of prior therapy helped me fix some other details. For example, I learned how to cry and express emotion in my mid-late teens. It was a monumental step and took 9 months of work to realize that I wouldn't be punished by the world for having a tough day.

 

So I've made progress but have a ways to go!

 

Some behaviors I'd like to work on: needing regular reassurance and validation, emotionally withdrawing when my needs aren't met, changing my black/white views of certain situations, feeling like I'm different and don't fit in, and my fear of rejection/being viewed as inadequate.

 

I regularly create uplifting mantras to calm me during moments of self-depreciation. I try to keep my positive qualities in the forefront of my mind to disallow the negative views of self from ruling.

 

In my early twenties my mom apologized for the years of physical and emotional abuse. A couple years later I learned to view her as a unit independent of familial status, and objectively viewed her and her likely emotions during that time as well as the impact of her own childhood on her adult psyche. By practicing compassion I was able to forgive her.

 

I promised to break the cycle of abuse with my own children when they were born. I turned a critical eye on myself after my research last night and noted a few things I can do better with them, attitudes I can shift to better their development as they learn to navigate life. They were born into a broken home but I've made an immense effort to ensure functionality.

 

I believe my troubles in personal relationships stem from my deep rooted fear of rejection. I've noted myself stuck in a place where I'm fearful of seeking a better job because of my fear of rejection (I'd be branching out into something entirely new for me). I am making a conscious effort to find the roots of my feelings and identify my emotions, and then to EXPRESS them. It can be very challenging!

 

I think I'll benefit immensely from therapy and until I find a therapist I'll continue to work on my self-development. I believe that at this point, it's the best gift I can give to my partner, children, and to myself.

 

Does anyone have any guidance for self discovery? Kind words, suggestions?

 

My bf is away and was concerned when he called me and I was crying, but I was able to assure him that the process is cathartic and its good for me. I do feel better for having identified some deeply ingrained feelings.

[Pearl27]

Beautiful post, WrinkledForehead! You are doing very well for yourself at such a young age!

 

I'm 31, and I still need to do what you've already done. I also came from an emotionally and mentally abusive home, and I'm still trying to heal from that. I still need to see my parents as people rather than my parents, same for my sisters. I also still need to deal with emotions. Because I was never emotionally nurtured, the idea of taking care of my own emotions is very alien to me. Most of all, I need to realize the world won't punish me for having a bad day!

 

Congrats to you, and I wish you all the best in your healing!

[WrinkledForehead]

Beautiful post, WrinkledForehead! You are doing very well for yourself at such a young age!

 

I'm 31, and I still need to do what you've already done. I also came from an emotionally and mentally abusive home, and I'm still trying to heal from that. I still need to see my parents as people rather than my parents, same for my sisters. I also still need to deal with emotions. Because I was never emotionally nurtured, the idea of taking care of my own emotions is very alien to me. Most of all, I need to realize the world won't punish me for having a bad day!

 

Congrats to you, and I wish you all the best in your healing!

 

Thank you so much, pearl!

 

It's not come without struggles and difficulties. Time and time again I placed myself in situations which compounded and legitimatized my fears. Most of this occurred during my early teens through my early twenties I've been in and out of therapy for the last 16 years, and haven't attended in 7. I'm 29. I think its time I tackle the work. I think the greatest thing it provided was the ability to rationally look at myself and where I am. It's not always easy, not even close. I still break down and weep and rock and generally feel ill at my core. Even so, I can now trace root emotions and feelings.

 

I'd love to get to the point where I don't turn into a weeping and panicked woman. I have to say, my partner has been an amazing support. I think because of our tumultuous beginning (as an affair) it allowed me to show him parts of myself I might've tried to stifle if we'd met another way. Even so, he's kept an open ear and listened to the things I say when I'm in the process of emotional exploration. And doesn't shame me when I *do* let my insecurities take charge and turn me into weeping woman.

 

I've also found a place to explore my passions (school) and a place where I am validated (by my good grades) and allowed to be my genuine self.

 

I'm a work in progress but I look at my poor mother, tormented regularly by her own faulty psyche, and I want SO MUCH MORE for myself.

 

I'd like to offer some advice, if you'd like to read . . .

 

I don't lie about how I'm feeling anymore. If a random cashier asks me how my day is, I'm honest. I don't go into the whole thing or necessarily share details, but even stating, "my day isn't great. I have a massive headache and have to go to work," is refreshing. After all, they're paid to be nice so I won't have the negative criticism of my feelings and I can state them openly. Win for me!

 

As far as my mom goes, I tried to look at how she must see the world. During the time when the physical abuse was at its peak, she was raising four kids by herself while my father worked three jobs and was often away for months. She was raised in a home where she was isolated from the family due to sickness as a youth, then made to mostly raise her siblings as a teen. She was in a loveless marriage with a man whose sexuality she didn't understand and there must have been some frustration and anger. She was bored. She hated the way she looked.

 

There's more but ... None of those excuse what she did. But I now see my mom as someone in a situation with no coping tools to handle it! She acted inappropriately and had no idea how to change. She carried on the pain of her own upbringing.

 

It helped. Journaling helps. I'm 29, by the way. Not much younger than you. I believe that with a serious repeated effort focused at our behaviors and thoughts, and by learning to view them independent of our emotion, we can heal. You can heal. I can heal. We can be strong and confident women.

 

Best~ WF

[Pearl27]

Thank you so much, pearl!

 

It's not come without struggles and difficulties. Time and time again I placed myself in situations which compounded and legitimatized my fears. Most of this occurred during my early teens through my early twenties I've been in and out of therapy for the last 16 years, and haven't attended in 7. I'm 29. I think its time I tackle the work. I think the greatest thing it provided was the ability to rationally look at myself and where I am. It's not always easy, not even close. I still break down and weep and rock and generally feel ill at my core. Even so, I can now trace root emotions and feelings.

 

I'd love to get to the point where I don't turn into a weeping and panicked woman. I have to say, my partner has been an amazing support. I think because of our tumultuous beginning (as an affair) it allowed me to show him parts of myself I might've tried to stifle if we'd met another way. Even so, he's kept an open ear and listened to the things I say when I'm in the process of emotional exploration. And doesn't shame me when I *do* let my insecurities take charge and turn me into weeping woman.

 

I've also found a place to explore my passions (school) and a place where I am validated (by my good grades) and allowed to be my genuine self.

 

I'm a work in progress but I look at my poor mother, tormented regularly by her own faulty psyche, and I want SO MUCH MORE for myself.

 

I'd like to offer some advice, if you'd like to read . . .

 

I don't lie about how I'm feeling anymore. If a random cashier asks me how my day is, I'm honest. I don't go into the whole thing or necessarily share details, but even stating, "my day isn't great. I have a massive headache and have to go to work," is refreshing. After all, they're paid to be nice so I won't have the negative criticism of my feelings and I can state them openly. Win for me!

 

As far as my mom goes, I tried to look at how she must see the world. During the time when the physical abuse was at its peak, she was raising four kids by herself while my father worked three jobs and was often away for months. She was raised in a home where she was isolated from the family due to sickness as a youth, then made to mostly raise her siblings as a teen. She was in a loveless marriage with a man whose sexuality she didn't understand and there must have been some frustration and anger. She was bored. She hated the way she looked.

 

There's more but ... None of those excuse what she did. But I now see my mom as someone in a situation with no coping tools to handle it! She acted inappropriately and had no idea how to change. She carried on the pain of her own upbringing.

 

It helped. Journaling helps. I'm 29, by the way. Not much younger than you. I believe that with a serious repeated effort focused at our behaviors and thoughts, and by learning to view them independent of our emotion, we can heal. You can heal. I can heal. We can be strong and confident women.

 

Best~ WF

 

Thanks, WF.

 

I've been thinking what you said earlier on the world not punishing you if you have a bad day. That made me realize that it is OK to have bad moments, to be stressed out, and to wake up anxious and afraid. I struggle with that because my upbringing didn't allow negative emotions, yet that sort of emotional abuse gave way to negativity anyway - go figure! But this a new path toward healing for me, so I thank you for that

 

I still struggle with how I validate myself. I used to validate myself on things that were short lived, subjective, or shallow. Now I need something deeper and long-term. I haven't found it yet, but I really need it. The emptiness I feel is overwhelming. But, I can't force it, so that will take time.

 

As for my family, in many ways I should not remain in contact with them. My parents are hell-bent in convincing me that I am a failure and want me to fail in anything that I do that they disapprove of. They also emotionally abused and neglected, and sometimes physically abused me. I have nothing to say them and we can't have a good conversation, save for movies, TV shows, history. Nothing personal. If they were not family I would have no reason to speak to them.

 

But yet they are, so I don't know what to do. Christmas is this week, so I gotta do what I gotta do. But I need to set up barriers in me so their words won't hurt me and so I won't overstep my boundaries and tell too much. BTW, this is one reason why I have trouble being honest about my emotions. If someone asks me, "how are you?" and if I say "stressed out", I'll only go on rambling, which is annoying to people. So I need to find better ways to communicate.

 

Speaking of rambling...

 

Anyway, best of luck to you, WF. You're a strong person and you will survive and heal. Hope to hear more of your progress!

 

Pearl