is it my gut telling me to back off or am i messed up over being cheated on?

[Unknowing]

Sounds great I'm happy for you. My girlfriend broke up with me an hour ago. So I can't be overjoyed tho. Sounds to me like he is a wonderfull guy. Tho... the end of the story is still to come... the fact that he talked about each thing is great. I wish my gf could have been a bit more like that. Still hoping it might work out between us tho... she'll need time... and well... I love her so... that's what she's gonna get. Anyways, happy for you.

[Kate]

well so the last update was fine. he was SO SO glad about how i presented things, etc. and, i did it because MY mind was starting to work itself over i am SOOOOO afraid of rejection right now (because of the past) that now i need to be EXTRA careful with my emotions. point and case, last night:

 

i think i messed up. here it goes:

 

we spent all weekend togther. he took me to meet his family and friends from home (an hour away). it was SO nice. i think i have been taking for granted some of the things he has done for me/wanted to do for me, because he has just done SO much. he even wrote me a card last week that said, "thank you for being you..." . well, like i said, we spent every second together this weekend. and yesterday, when he went to leave me, I secretly freaked out inside. it was like i didn't know what to do. and, i used something he said as a trigger. he said, "well, too much of one thing isn't good, right? everything in moderation". i know (now) he probably just didn't know what else to say, and had had enough of hanging out doing literally nothing all day. i needed to breathe to, but his words cut to my inner core. i am too embarrassed to tell him why i really acted the way i did....i kind of started coping a slight attitude. i don't know what i expected from him....more time????? God. well, he was like, "what's wrong?" i just gave him a look and said "bye". then he left. and i panicked because he just left and didn't see what my problem was (MY problem, though). so what did I do? the dumb thing -- i caled him an asked why he left when he thought i was mad! he came back (thankfully for ME) and we chatted. i told him his commet made me feel stupid, and if he was ready to leave he should have just said so. i wasn't making much sense. i think he realized that i was just attached. now I'm worried about that. did I just put a wrench in things? we had such a nice weekend and then i had to go ruining it because of my fear of abandonment. (because now i realize that every time my ex left he was actually lying or sick of me). my mind Is working itself up and I don't know how to stop it.

 

any comments?? the most important thing is how I treat this guy. now, he has had HIS little bouts with things like when i haven't called him back in enough time, etc. he has copped a slight 'tude, too, so i don't feel like the only pathetic weakling here. but, i worry that i scared him because he must be thinking "man, i did everything for this girl this weekend...and it wasn't enough time?". i tend to do this after spending a large amount of time with someone -- i get atttached, then scared when they leave. what can i do to work on this? i want to be in a healthy relationship, and the only way i can do that is if I remain healthy in my mind. i don't think this is the biggest thing, but i am having trouble acting normally in this new relationship at times. i worry about everything, feel inferior (my OWN doing), etc. and i worry i will make this guy cheat on me like the last one did.

 

HELP. also, guys, it would be helpful if you have your perspective given everything you know about my posts here. keepign in mind, of course, this guy has a HUGE amount (HAD) of respect for me, even introduced me to his parents. and, he DID come back to my house last night after my fit, which i continued to throw thorugh my facial expressions. why do i have to have the world from a guy to believe they care about me? i need to fix this. at least i know it's all about my fear of being left, which isn't just attributed to my last relationship.

 

help!!!

[Kate]

besides the above (which i obviously need help with!) i think this is my main problem -- i can't distinguish between good behavior and bad. what i mean to say is, sometimes i think that all of the good and nice and thoughtful things my new guy mark does for me are just propaganda. i think that he is just solidifying a deal. i DO know how he feels about cheating, etc., though, and part of me knows he wouldn't do it. it's a big fight between my heart and mind right now. and, if he DID cheat on me or go off in a bad way with someone else, i know that would be his problem.

 

i guess it's not cheating i'm worried about, i'm worried about being left. while i feel i have a such a high self-esteem in general, i worry that somehow mark will think less of me, the novelty will wear off, i will become regular to him. i worry that because the last 3 guys took me for granted that this one will too. i worry about a lot of things he says.

 

besides all this, he is SEEMINGLY wonderful. i can't complain about anything. do you think maybe i am now using him as some kind of "crucible" or test because of all of my pain?? i don't want to misplace my anger or take it out on him because i am still mad about past events. i know i should be reading and going to therapy for anger managerment or something. i still feel a lot of guilt over the last terrible relationship i had, even though he cheated on me because i feel like somehow i caused it. and i feel like i could push this guy away, too.

 

my question is, to anyone out there who had been treated badly by a "nice" guy and totally fooled, cheated on and lied to, how do you move into your next relationship with ease? i'm trying to go slowly, but then i find myself too scared because i worry that when i get attached i will scare the guy -- which happened last night. hopefully he is not scared, though. we have had a great ability to address a problem and move quickly past it. sometimes i feel like i will act a certain way and then feel SO embarrassed about the way i acted at that particular moment. i am really embarrassed about how i acted last night.

 

any tips on moving forward without luggage?? i think one thing i can do is to just think about all of the very GOOD things this guy has done for me each time i think about getting out of line.

 

oh i just thought of my BIGGEST FEAR here : i fear that once i truly give myself emotionally to this guy, he will just stomp on my heart and walk away. this is what happened in my last 3 relationships as follows:

 

relationship #1: friend of 12 years and i start dating (was his dream come true). he can't handle the emotional intensity, his life starts going downhill, he can't handle anything and gets admitted to the psych ward. he was such a great guy, too. i didn't understand it. i pushed and pushed and he couldn't offer me ANYTHING because of where he was. i gavie him everything, it drained me, then he broke up with me -- from the hospital!

 

relationship #2: i thought i had met my soul mate. once in a lifetime feeling, i doubt i will ever walk down the street, see a stranger and have an 8 hour coffee with them. this guy turned out to be chasing papi -- he had like 5 gfs in 5 cities. i was just one of them. to this day, i have NEVER connected with a human being on the level he and i connected intellectually/spiritually. a total shame. i found out about the girls, kicked him to the curb. he travelled a lot, by the way, that's how he could do it...

 

relationship#3: well, you guys know this one, the last a$$hol i dated. was a friend of mine for 4 years, claimed to have a huge crush on me. we start dating, he doesn't do ANYTHING you usually do in a relationsihp, i just figured it was cause we were such good friends. he gives me the run-around (while telling me how muc he loves me) for 8 straight months -- until i find out he had another gf for 6 mos during me and was talking to several others. this guy was the BEST liar, so good i really think he BELIEVED his own, which i think is a sickness.

 

so, now, we fast forward to 3 mos. after that last one and i meet mark. who chased me a courted me like a true gentleman for 2 months before trying to kiss me. now, we are intimate, have the best time together, etc. and i don't know what to do at times. he makes me feel good overall, like i'm not insecure with the relationsihp, and that should be like a dream come true for me. i feel selfish slightly by not just being overjoyed at his presence. but, that is where my trust issue understandably comes in.

 

any advice? sorry this is so long...

[Unknowing]

Well, if you haven't talked to him why you got mad when he was going to leave after the weekend do so. He'll understand.

 

Secondly, after beeing treated bad in a relationship it takes alot of time before you can feel secure, no matter how nice your partner is. What you need is curage, to get involved even thou you are scared.

 

Seriously, if I found a girlfriend who acted like him I'd never let her go (unless she wanted to ofcourse).

 

You know how smooth it went last time you told him what was on your mind. Whenever you feel you might have acted strange, tell him why you did, don't wait for him to ask... many people take a fit when you ask them why they act a sertain way, maybe that is why he just left when you got mad. He just didn't wanna risk making it worse.

 

If I were you I'd leave the fear behind and get fully involved in this relationship, heart and soul. You might get hurt, sure, that happens. But if you can't let go of the fear you will never have a healty relationship again.

 

This is easier to say then do (I know from personal experience) but try.

 

Take care, best of wishes.

[Kate]

thanks again. i am trying, but my gut hurts like every day. every day i have to fight off these demons of thoughts about getting hurt by this man. i don't even know what hurt specifically is scaring me -- wait, i do -- it is finding out in a year that EVERYTHING i thought he was is EVERYTHING he is not. also, he has a really big mouth and sometimes just drops one-liner i don't understand -- such as:

 

1) i told him i can see through his tough act that he is transparent. he said, "i let you know what you think you should know, i show you what i want to!" -- does every piece of sarcasm have a grain of truth to it?? i don't think i would ever/could ever say that to anyone...

 

2) we were talking about past relationship and how he always just "left" them -- and how he feels different with me, etc. i said i have had to leave a lot for diff. reasons to in relationships. then, very very jokingly he says, "betcha i leave first!" i didn't get it at first, then he said he was kidding, etc. BUT, this has been a concern of mine...that he gets involved too fast, then bolts.

 

we have talked about and around the above, (not #1, that is a new one!) but i still feel cautious. i mean, it's so great what he has done for me and he has explained why, but i can't put my finger on my reluctance with him. why don't i trust him? i'm starting to think maybe the past is serving me WELL, that i should adhere to certain things. i mean, i have been burned in the past and then i trust again no prob. i think i'm pretty reslient and don't place one person in another's shoes!

 

last week, (this is what sparked that GREAT conversation i had with him i posted about a few posts ago) I was driving and i don't know what it was but i just got this horrid feeling in my gut. it's a feeling i used to get with a total JERK i dated 5 years ago. like mark, this other guy was very charismatic, charming, wanted me to meet his family right away, i think he thought i was the one. the problem?? we fought like cats and dogs and he was emotionally and verbally abusive. the bad part doesn't exist with mark, but some of the behavior seems very similar...almost like he COULD be manipulative at times. i mean, here is my issue also: i do a LOOOOTTTT for people. i am GIVER. and even to ME, (i really think i give to the extreme, NOT to control, jsut cuz i love it), mark seems almost over the top. it's hard for me to believe it is all related to me...here is my next feeling...

 

i feel like there is something i don't know about him. i have felt this for over a month now after a comment he made that scared me at dinner. i don't even want to say what it was here. it was nothing against me though. it is almost like sometimes he is just moving at his own rapid pace and doesn't wait for me to catch up. i know that sounds insignificant. but that stuck in my gut, even though i got to know him better and got over some initial feelings. some of the things he has done really bother me -- such as, (i am very sexually open, etc. by the way, i just don't know what his activity level is here...nonetheless he has never scared me with sex) he rented strippers who peed on themselves for a party he threw for his friend. i don't really care about that toooo too much at all, it's just that i think of the "guy" i'm going to be with as a little classier than that, maybe just a strip BAR...he said the strippers were putting coke bottles in their butts. i'm usually not grossed out by this stuff, i guess i'm just suprised that he'd pay for that. OH, and my ex who treated me like crap 5 years ago, was totally obsessed with sex. our entire relationship was about sex. It didn't seem totally immersed in our friendship the way the last guy (who cheated on me nontheless) and i had it. I know sex is different with everyone, but i want to be sure he's not messed up. I know he buys porn, i mean lots of people do, but then I also feel like a 30yr old should have gotten most stuff out of his system. but i think about the fact that porn has NOTHING to do with a relationship ususally, it's personal!

 

what else...for some reason i am rambling concerns here, and i know it means i need to take a step back somehow. i'm a little impatient. another FEAR -- i FEAR that as he gets to know me better, he will know what to say and what not to say in front of me to keep things from me.

 

maybe all of this is wrong, maybe i'm having doubts because he is not for me. is it wrong to date someone and invest time in them if you don't see yourself marrying them? right now i need to focus on myself and just have a good time. i just don't see myself with this guy for some reason...1) he doesn't fully challenge me INTELLECTUALLY -- we challenge eachother with communication, which has been GREAT so far 2) it has been hard to say no to him because he has done nothing but chase me. i have to think about WHY i want him 3) i see myself with someone a little more worldly -- i may be slightly addicted to his character, which is somewhat like mine : highly charismatic, thrilling, powerfully energetic, etc. i may bee feeding off of that. 4) the tattoos everywhere, the motorcycle, etc. -- i think it might be fun NOW, but don't think i see myself with that later,,,and though it is SO wrong to judge a book by it's cover, it's not that -- i just don't see myself with tha. 5) am i REALLY physically attracted to him? i think it may be more of his personality. in the past, i have gone for personality alone and eventually it catches up with me. i am NOT a petty person, i'm human. also, he doesn't work out -- never a day in his life in the gym -- and smokes every day. he's not in good shape, and it WILL start to affect MY lifestyle as well....this falls under the category where i spend more time alone, i guess! 6) could i see him fathering my child?? i don't think so. i know this may not apply to a relationship for some people, but i'm 26 and starting to think more about long-term. i don't want to be unfair to anyone.

 

so far besides all this he has been highly communicative. i guess only i can see for myself the red flags and my gut and what they mean. i just know i have a tendency to make excuses for people and i don't want to do that. he always tells me i have such a good heart -- and not nec. in a complimentary way, it's almost like he thinks i'm really naive (which he said one time about something)...i'm going nuts.

 

to my next question -- i need to spend time away from him to let things sink in. any TIPS???

[WantanS4]

Right here!

 

He's a guy's guy. He's working it. Let him go.. you obviously have doubts... I think what's holding you back is the idea of failure or being alone maybe. There are better men out there... and more to your standards. Patience... just a little patience... it will find you.

 

She's been gone for 7 months now... do i get the urge the date... sure... sure I do. Have I attempted to?? no..... I can't..... I just don't feel ready for it. Why? Because I don't want to be in shoes similar to yours. I don't want to play that guessing game... I don't want to worry about going through all the work of building a relationship. Am I scarred? Yes... absolutely. Will it pass?? I hope. Do I still love her??? I don't know...... I don't know anythign about her now... and my security (trust with her/in her) it's shattered... gone. Does it still hurt?? Yes.... not as much... but yes.

 

So Kate, I think you need to step away from him. Step away from everything... build yourself some solitude...... and when you've absolutely had enough of it...... then you'll be ready to give someone else a fair chance.

 

P.S.

 

Nice to see you posting again.... long time no see.

[Kate]

hey wantan!! nice to hear from you, too!

 

well, in response to my LAST couple of posts, here THIS one is:

 

i think part of me is really really hung up on trust. last weekend i met his parents and sister, who i can see obviously have some serious values and great familial structure - that was nice to see. in addition, each time my head gets worried over him, he finds a way into my heart...

 

for instance, i was having all of these doubts the other day. i stepped away from him in my mind (this is the first time i have been able to "seperate" myself in a relationship in a healthy way!! wo hoo!) and he came over to say hello. we ended up talking for 3 hours. the more i learn about him, the more i like -- and the more i get scared. however, i have NOT forced anything in my mind or in his, and i don't feel pressured. i have been able to voice almost every concern i have, and that has been a big plus...

 

i don't know how long my concerns over stuff will haunt me, but i can say for SURE that had i not gone through the last few bad bouts with men, i would probably not be so doubtful.

 

my solution at the moment? 1)i have no choice but to trust him physically/emotionally based on what he has shown me. he has been a COMPLETE standup guy, and the first guy who has run to the clinic without me even asking to show me how important his health is to him. that was a plus...2)he has not let me down -- not even once. he has not let me down in any way. 3)he has gone beyond ANY means that any other guy has to simply be near me. he is not obsessive or scary, he simply likes me...a lot.

 

besides the above wonderful qualities, my mind makes up scenarios and i know i have no way of knowing the absolute truth or not unless i follow him around. i think that my main concern is 1)the scenarios i think up 2)combined with not totally knowing if he is the guy for me or not. BUT, isn't that what dating is about? so far he has impressed me from the get-go -- when i was totally reluctant and indifferent to hanging out with him or any other guy. he took it soooo slow in the beginning, he gained some of my trust and interest.

 

wantan, i will take your advice on distancing myself and TRULY taking this one slow. i have completely forgotten about that other a**h*** because i NOW realize what REAL stuff is. i feel nothing artificial with this guy in terms of emotions, infatuations, facades or appearances. there is not that scary sense of "what does he want with me?" i think i know what he wants, but he's not rushing me either.

 

sorry i sound so schizo at times with my erratic posts on this thread, it's just that my mind is bouncing all over the place in fear, anticipation and excitement over this. i think i am definitely in a more "adult" relationship phase of my life right now, i'm 26 and he's 30, before this i was always wtih guys my age who didn't have a clue as to what they wanted --- and i thought i did, but i chose some real idiots, which means i was after only a couple things right in front of my face. there was no "real" buildup of trust, commitment, etc. no clarity was involved before --EVER--- for me, except for my very first relationship ever, that started 10 years ago!!

 

i'll keep you posted, wantan...please send me a private mess. if you like so we can chat.

 

xx

[Gala]

Sorry I didn't respond sooner...it was a busy weekend. I've also been trying to spend more time on improving the immediate conditions of my life. I've done quite a bit of emotional convalescing since last summer, when I went into NC after a relationship went bad. It's only in the last couple of months that I've started to feel like my normal accomplishment-nutty self. I am still very distrustful of my own judgment about men, but I have at least thought to myself that I might be able to handle A date. One. Sometime. At least I've made that much progress.

 

A couple of thoughts come to mind after reading your recent posts...one related to my own belief that I should KNOW EVERYTHING before it happens, that I ought to be able to head off disaster at the pass...and that it's all my fault if I don't. I was ranting -- again -- to my therapist the other week about my ex, and said that his problems were "so textbook!" He responded that just because something's "textbook" doesn't mean you can see it coming. It really does take time to know someone. And Kate, right now you don't need to know if this man should be the father of your child. You may want to know...you may think you should know this already...but you don't. And that's OK.

 

On the separation anxiety you sometimes get...I'm not sure what sort of guidance to give. It is touching that you go through this, tho I imagine you wish it never ever happened at all. One of my favorite moments of recent work years involved two women (both straight) on my team who'd taken a trip to a few of the company's offices in Asia. It was quite an odyssey for them, and when they got back to the office it was time for them to say goodbye to each other after ten days of continuous interaction. One giggled about this, realized what it felt like, and said to the other, "Call me later." Maybe this was a "you just had to be there" moment, but her intonation was perfect -- without saying anything else, she had conveyed a wealth of emotions about that scenario -- and many others. What I realized, and admired a lot, was that she was allowing herself to have those emotions, but wasn't letting them mess with her.

 

I am curious, though, about what context prompted Mark to mention the stripper anecdote. I find the acts you mentioned revolting...and I know enough about stripper cost-structuring to know that they were most likely paid a good bit extra to perform them. Given the socioeconomic differences between you, there are all kinds of things that one could say about class and trashiness and so forth. That stuff aside, there is also the question of basic respect for women. Apparently, in the instance that Mark described to you that respect was suspended. I have been at parties where guys hired a stripper, she stripped, gave a little extra attention to the guest of honor, and that was that. Stripping does not have to mean or lead to abject degradation. (Hell, I took a strip class last year -- and not at the gym!!) One of the things that really won me over on one of my exes was his disgust at friends of his who paid a stripper to go into the extra stuff. This ex was a bit of a ladies' man, and believe me he wasn't prudish. But he had standards.

 

Whoo -- I got a bit more heated than I'd have expected. Anyway...regardless of what has happened for him in the past, you can -- and should -- let him know what is and is not OK for you. Don't be afraid to voice your views and your values.

 

In any case, I think you may keep seeing red flags...even as you find more about how wonderful he is. If there is stuff that scares you, pay attention. Especially pay attention when you find yourself saying "I'm not going to say it" (as you did about a remark he made at dinner). I don't mean to add alarm or anxiety...it's just that it's very important to listen to yourself.

 

Lastly, you ARE learning from all this! Really!

[Kate]

wow, thanks a LOT for that.

 

1) i have decided not to blame myself for not knowing things. it's just impossible. there are plenty of people who have been married for years and have been in the dark about certain things. not my fault if he turns out to be different that i had expected.

 

2) i don't want to feel guilty about the fact that i didn't give him a second glance at first. the fact is, he DID win me over -- with respect and laughs and his confidence. in the end (if it ends) i will have shared good times, laughs, and will have learned more about myself.

 

3) what i like most about him is that he is so open with his feelings, his emotional state (related and unrelated to me) and his eye contact. despite what kind of a person he is, i feel he is very sincere. that is important no matter what happens. i really don't think he is a liar.

 

HOWEVER, tonight something happened and i don't know how to feel about it. all day things were normal when i worked. i spoke to him once and things were normal...cool...i told him i would pick him up for dinner and we would go to my dad's to eat. so, i show up at his house and knock on the door...he is upstairs but doesn't come down -- instead, i hear someone tapping on a window from inside and i realize it means to just come in the house. i walk in to silence, so i call out for him -- he was upstairs. he didn't cop a bad tone or anything, he just seemed to be in his own world -- OUT OF NOWHERE. he was checking his email when i walked upstairs and i had to go to him to give him a kiss hello. usually he smiles, puts his arms around me, etc. he told me he'd be ready in 5 min and i said fine cuz i was early. then we got in my car and left. he always holds me hand in the car but didn't this time. he was treating me just like one of the guys. we had dinner and left. on the way home, i asked him what was wrong. he told me his boss left his company today and he had taken a major blow by it -- the reason is, he moved 60 miles over a year ago JUST to work with this particular boss. mark is 30 and really immersed in what he does, and his boss was important to him. mark continued to tell me that it was just a ton of little stuff in his head that was building up and it didn't have anything to do with me. but i can't understand why he was being so cold...i saw that behavior only one other time for a brief period and i felt slightly threatened by it -- probably because i am oversensitive, but i have recently learned that i can't blame myself for the way i feel. i can only judge my actions about how i feel. mark continued to tell me that he just needs this weekend (where he will go skiing with his buddy) to sort things out in his head. he said there is just too much going on and once he figures things out for himself, he'll share them with me. he also said i am the only sane and stable thing at the moment with all of the other thoughts he has.

 

so, based on the above, if he is honest, i suppose i can deal with being temporarily shut out. he said he'll be fine in a day. but what i don't understand is why he barely looked at me, touched me or held my hand, and didn't even want to cuddle or anything. are most guys like that when they get stressed out? i kind of understand but not so much about the way he acted. he wasn't disrespectful or anything, it was just a flip of a switch. then when he got out of the car he said, "thank you man" like i was one of the guys. i am not. i didn't want to press the issue, and i understand he is stressed out, but he even dodged kissing me on the lips. everyone has their own ways of acting when they are upset, so i guess tomorrow will tell me.

 

the thing that worries me the most is that despite how communicative and sensitive he is (he has a REALLY tough outer shell that apparently no one besides me has ever penetrated -- from what he has told me and what i saw his family do/say about me), i get scared about how he will act when he is REALLY mad. i don't think he would ever hit me, but sometimes words can be just as insensitive or insensitive enough to cut as deep. the reason i worry about this is that he was SO ON point with me in the beginning -- catering to literally my every move (well, up until today i can't complain) -- that i worry that energy will die out and the novelty will wear off. i worry that there will be more times like how i felt tonight where he just slinks into his own cave. maybe i am overreacting. the one part i just don't understand is how he shuts down from ME when he feels like this. he told me that it has nothing to do with me, though, that right now it's just about him and the only person he can cater to is himself. i guess with me it's all or nothing for him -- and this moment is nothing. i will post sometime tomorrow saying whether ornot i think it may be a red flag.

 

in reference to the stripper stuff, that stuff does just flat out bother me. i don't know that i want a guy who has fun renting strippers at parties who pee on themselves and put coke bottles where the sun doesn't shine. it's a little gross for me. i'm open minded and wild, but i'm looking for a guy a little less rough around the edges...and this guy may be a little too rough for me. i want someone more like my dad -- not a tatooed biker who likes to rent nasty strippers and smoke cigarettes all day. i can't even believe what i am writing right now. i guess i just picture myself with someone much more refined and classy, but with an edge like me. i don't know.

 

this weekend i will not be able to contact him and that will be a good thing for me. it's funny, i think that his mood really does NOT have anything to do with me --- but for me, having time away from him, etc. has everything to do with ME. i may need to be aware that i should be prepared at some point to just bite the bullet on this one. i don't feel like i want to right now, but i think i need to keep a special place in my mind to go and hide at times when i need to think clearly about him. that way, if i need to leave, i can do so in a prepared manner...not like my last relationships.

 

ok thanks for listening. this is a toughie again. i have this nagging feeling (despite the good things i feel) that i should not date him...

[Gala]

What is interesting to me about this guy's behavior is the BIG disjuncture between the demonstrative, concerned, attentive version of him and the no-kiss, no-talk version. And I suspect that this is why you find it so rattling...that the change from one to the other is so dramatic. To boot, you don't see it coming. You can't.

 

It is hard sometimes to evaluate the quality of a relationship based on one evening. Clearly, what was happening for him last night was intense -- to the extent that he was pretty shut down. It was, to use a metaphor that we Californians sometimes invoke, an earthquake. It comes, it feels scary, it goes. You don't know the magnitude till afterward, when you also evaluate the longterm effects.

 

In any case, there is something about this guy's general vibe that sets off fears for you. You wonder about what he will do when he's "really mad." You may want to spend some time thinking about where that is coming from.

 

You really hit the nail on the head when you talked about a need for a private place inside your own mind. There are quite a few flavors of this, one of which is what a friend of mine calls "double secret probation." This may or may not be where you're at currently.

 

I'm with you, BTW, on the smoking and no exercise....tho my last ex was a workout fanatic (and God, what a great body!) who for years had apparently been fighting an eating disorder. Guh.

[WantanS4]

Hmmm.... I'm a guy... and well I love women.... they way the move.. the way they blink...... the way they talk........ but I absolutely hate it when they trash themselves... or let men trash them.... hence I don't like strippers..... porn makes me sick (although in the beginning it does make you think in that certain way.....) but in the end... bluagh!!!

 

I think you should step back... he's obviously inconsistent........ and well... if he's acting this way because his boss lost/left his job... imagine what'll be like of he gets fired or something............

 

Maybe... what your expecting a little too much from him so early..... and it's not your fault... but it comes from the fact that you were in love not too long ago.... so you still feel/think have that sense of unity... where no matter what sh.it hits the fan.... when you two are together it doesn't matter................. I don't know... i may be wrong.........

 

Note to all women... guys treat.. in general (I'd say about 90%) like trash... ***** toys if you will. They don't... they don't really respect them as people/human beings... but instead want to just put it in..... enjoy it... and not have to worry about/deal with the idea that they have feelings and emotional as well. That's the lure of porn/strippers/prostitutes/whores....... they're all the fun without commitment or responsibilities. They're quick fixes.

 

Like I said before.. he sounds like a man's man.... and quite often, these types are ultra-scared of the possibility of becoming/being domesticated.

 

Maybe his 'game' (in terms of his sweetness toward you) was off last night because he really didn't want to have to DEAL with doing it, in a way he was being selfish... and was showing his true colors toward you. Personally...... if he really meant all those things he did prior to the way he acted last night........ then he wouldn't have acted the way he did...........

 

Then again.... maybe he was just off. Did he ask you how you are? That's the give away............ if he didn't.. then he's just working it.... if he did... then he cares but his mind was somewhere else........

 

and on a personal note............. WHY THE HELL AM I STILL SINGLE!??! I'm not clingy or needy...... but who would ever trade up spending time with a girl who's got you by the you know what (I mean that in the terms of she leaves breathless).... to go skiing with a guy friend???? I don't understand how guys can sit there an weight one against the other??? Seems like women want a guy who LIKES to spend time with them........... yet.......... I don't know....

 

Hope this helps... but reading over it... it's a mess.... but maybe your mind will align with mine while I wrote this... and it'll be of some use. I don't know...

[Kate]

well, guess what.....MY GUT WAS RIGHT! my new guy wasn't cheating on me at all, but something was off and i felt it.

 

he started calling me too often, texting too often, and copping a serious attitude when i didn't give him enough attention. he wanted too much too soon, and on his terms. he gave and gave and gave...and i started feeling really controlled.

 

we finally had a big falling out because he decided to play a game with me. i had my phone off for a whole day because i just watned to be alone. i knew this would cause trouble. the next day, i acted as if nothing was wrong, well, cause it wasn't! i sent him a friendly text in the am after a full 24 hours of fresh air from him. at noon, i was urinating blood and tissue and needed to go to the hospital. he was my only option next to an ambulance, and since he was ALWAYS there for me, i didn't think twice about it....until i left 2 hysterical messages and called 80 times. i got no response. my last attempt before calling the paramedics, he picked up. i didn't care that i knew he was playing a game, i needed help. my mom ended up getting a hold of me right then and she took me to the hospital. at this point, my guy was concerned, but not like usual. he decided to use MY crisis as a time to get at me for not calling him the day before. it's not even like he had left me a message that i didn't return!!

 

he was 2 hours late to the hospital when i called him from my bed. i was upset and asked him why he was still not there...he snapped at me and told me "at what point did you decided to double over in pain today"? he insinuated that he was mad about something --- while i had KIDNEY STONES!!! i couldn' t believe him. i told him he lied about not having his phone, and he accused me of starting a fight. i told him he was lying and not to bother coming to see me. he said he was and hung up on me. i went home, went to bed, and sent him a text telling him i know he had his phone and didn't know what he was doing. i told him that he has nasty pride. he sends me text that says, "whatever, practice what you preach!!" i couldn't beliee that when i have a REAL problem, like kidney stones, he uses that as an excuse to get back at me.....for.....??????

 

we were supposed to go to the bahamas this week and i told him i couldn't. i was so sickened by him. he's now gone at a wedding alone, and i'm glad. he told me this before he left, "i am just gonna end this right now. your biggest problem is me, and what happened was i couldn't be there at the hospital and you flipped out". nice rendition.

 

no doubt he is now kicking himself for playing a stupid, insecure and attemptedly manipulative pride game. what an idiot. he claims that he didnt' feel needed, etc. I KNOW HOW TO TREAT SOMEONE WELL!!!! all he really watned to do is control love, and you can't.

 

so, all along my fears have been confirmed -- he gave too much too soon with ulterior motives of control, and when i didn't give him what he wanted he acted like a maniac from hell.

 

i shortened this story a bit, because there were other wierd things he did as well over the last TWO AND A HALF MONTHS (THAT'S ALL!!) that have freaked me out and sent me running.

 

what a disappointment. so sad that a 30 year old man still acts like he is in highschool. funny enough as well, he told me i am the first person who has ever stood up to him!!! HAHAHA. nice. he is probably eating his pride right now. what a pathetic man.

[Gala]

Hi Kate --

 

I'd been wondering what was going on with this dude...I suppose there are worse ways to find out just how narcissistic and childish someone is than thru what happened to you, but this sounds pretty awful. I really have to wonder if your body just decided for you -- and said "No, Kate, you're not going to the Bahamas with this immature cretin."

 

"Good f-ing riddance" doesn't quite express enough.

 

It's also interesting that you felt smothered enough to turn off your phone for 24 hours. That says a lot.

 

I hope that you are on the mend. And do let us know what happens when he gets back from the Bahamas! What a moron!

[WantanS4]

And the world continues to turn.......

 

See... I've come to guess that realtionships and opposite sexes have come to a power/pride struggle and are now at a stalemate. And it just keeps on growing, new memebers added everyday....... in some ways Loveshack is a recruitting center for either side. I'm probably wrong, but it seems like a lot of relationships are hitting the wall because of this. Women want freedom, want power, control... but men.. being men (in that old instinctive way) seem to be unable to bend. Like I said, just a guess, I'm not saying that's what I think. I don't know... your thoughts.....

 

Kate,

 

Wow.. win some, lose some. How sad. I on the other hand had a delightful conversation with a girl at the local Kenneth Cole last night. Talk about shoes (men and women), what guys look like these days (I think they're starting to look more feminine than women) and all the other stuff that gets exchanged when a girl/guy meet. I enjoyed it, first time in a long time I've been able to just let'r rip, without thinking about the ex or even remotely considering a relationship with the girl. Was I attracted... nah.. not really... I'm not really attracted to anyone these days.... not even the ex.

 

So how does this relate to you??? I'm not sure..... i guess it doesn't... but i hope it took your mind off your situation. Well, at least your over your ex from the looks of it......... and now have something else to worry/contemplate. I suppose this was a quick fix to your prior problem.