I thought he as a Good Guy??

[tcv78]

So, I dated a guy seriously for several months. We met one another's children and even tossed around the idea of moving in together if things were on the same path in a year or so (loosely - like where we'd each like to live, etc). We had a sad break-up that was a little drawn out.

 

This man was my first relationship since my son's father (several years prior) and I wasn't aware how hard it would be to let someone in to that "space" occupied by my ex. This caused me to pull back often, and actually end the relationship a couple of times (we quickly talked it out, however.) Eventually, it became obvious I just needed more time before having something very serious. He said, "I can't continue to date you and get so hurt. I'm afraid of how much this hurts and can't find the strength to do it any more. I don't want to lose you out of my life. Can we still be friends?"

 

He has been a friend. I can call him for anything and he is there for me (to talk, to watch my son when I needed to go to work and had no one, he offered to help me move, we'd gone hiking & out dancing.) I was happy to have his friendship - but he started flirting when we went out dancing. I told him I still loved him. Flirting was crossing the boundary of a friendship - one that was needed considering the circumstances - and he said he wasn't flirting, I was over-reacting/reading into things, etc. (well - he may choose to tell himself that - but he was flirting). We lost touch.

 

We started chatting casually again and then I found out he has a girlfriend. That was about 5 months ago. Since then if I ask about them (we both always ask about one-another's families, friends we know, etc) he always says, "it's not serious, I just enjoy her company", "it's easy/convenient/nice that she goes to my rock climbing gym (implying that she's convenient)", "it's at a cross-roads" or "we're hitting a rough patch", "it's lacking depth", "I'm not sure how much longer it's going to last."

 

A) I can listen as a friend - and I usually tell him: "find out what your girlfriend wants and give it to her. Don't be stupid/stubborn. You like her."

 

B) I don't think it's appropriate for him to tell me anything negative about his gf. I wouldn't want him to do that to me if we were dating.

 

C) I recently let him know that I'm ready to start dating again. Since then he texts a lot/is more interested in talking.

 

He has begun flirting pretty openly. Being sexually suggestive, but not graphic (and stated "all the fun is in the innuendo"). He started re-hashing the details of our relationship. Then asked me to go get pizza together. I said I'd love to go -and that he should invite his girlfriend. He didn't reply for a while. I texted to say, "you disappeared." He said, No, just busy. And still flirts, but no mention of gf going. I finally said, I won't go unless I know she knows -and is okay with it. He agreed to run it by her - but he argued "it's just friends, right?" and saying she should trust him or whatever.

 

So, today there was lots of heavy flirting. Then, I changed the subject to ask what he was getting everyone for xmas. I asked if things were better with his GF since they'd be spending time together for Xmas (she was upset they weren't spending Thanksgiving together). He closes with "their doing great".

 

Huh? I mean - I've felt very close to this person - and have always seen him as a person of integrity. I've trusted him and now I just feel icky. I don't want to be his back up in case they break up. And I won't be. I don't know if I'd ever date him now - because how can I respect him? All I can think about is how he probably did this to me!! Who knows who he was writing these types of messages to while we dated?? Probably his current girlfriend!!

 

Does anyone have a different/more sympathetic to his side take? The tiniest part of me thinks: oh he felt more strongly for me than her, and wants to check our chemistry now that I'm back in the game before dumping her for me (yes - it's okay to laugh out loud while you read that - hope I didn't make you choke on your coffee or anything). But - I guess I'm just having a hard time believing my good friend/former flame is a douche bag.

Edited December 21, 2013 by tcv78

[crederer]

I'll give you some insight. The vast majority of guys don't want to be friends after the break up. They do it as a means of keeping you around in hopes of rekindling things down the road.

 

He has a girlfriend cause he thinks you're not interested anymore but he hopes you are.

 

If you are interested, let him know, if you're not, let him know and stop hanging out with him.

[tcv78]

Thank you crederer, I appreciate your frank reply. It's sort of what I was hoping to be the situation. I still have the same feelings for him as before. I am afraid this is a red flag - vs being the romantic thing I hope it to be.

 

I hinted at how I feel already - and considered being direct over dinner. I suspect his reply will be:, "thanks for sharing your feelings, but I have a girlfriend. I hope we can still be friends." But when I hinted at my feelings, he encouraged me to share, and I teased back saying, "Oh, you just like the flattery." He replied, "Yes, I like flattery like everyone does, but mostly the things you say are important to me."

 

Thanks again.

Edited December 22, 2013 by tcv78

[crederer]

Well that's a very real possibility. But the reality is you're just tip toeing around and hoping something will fall in your lap. For both of your sakes you gotta let him know what your thoughts are. Get the cards on the table then make an informed decision based on the results of that.

[tcv78]

I suspect he just enjoys the banter and thinks it's harmless.

 

Based on your advice I went ahead and texted him this:

 

I enjoyed our chat today and plan to take the time to share my thoughts with you on Thursday. However - this is your opportunity to say, "maybe another time", and I'd be happy to avoid it all together. I am happy for you, and your life's circumstances. So long as you are, too.

 

2nd text: If that isn't clear - what I mean to say is: share my feelings. For you. Maybe this helps make clear why I had some guilt meeting up with you - where maybe you didn't. :-)

 

Jeez - I sort of feel like I'm taking what he intends to be fun/innocent banter and turning it into a whole "thing". But, if he doesn't like me talking about it all -maybe we aren't friends anyway. As you'd suggested.

 

Thanks!

Edited December 22, 2013 by tcv78

[tcv78]

Now I'm imagining how he'll say he's sorry I misread his intentions. And I'm going to feel embarrassed. I'm honestly not a wimp. I guess it's ok because I can at least end an ongoing situation that obviously makes me uncomfortable.

[tcv78]

Well, his text reply was this:

 

Of course I want to meet up and listen to what you have to say. Are you sure you're up for it, though? I don't want to create a situation between us. I like that we are talking again.

 

Well, problem solved! He obviously thinks nothing of the flirting and is just enjoying himself. I just need to sit with my feelings and make sure it's not at my expense, and that I'm having fun, too.