I'm in an open relationship but am also in an affair

[SweetClover]

Would love some advice. I'm hoping people can just not judge or not post, I do understand right from wrong and I do want to live a good honest life. I'm definitely not right now and I hope the situation changes soon.

 

I married my husband when I was pretty young and he knew from the time we started dating that I was often in love with more than one person at a time. I started with boys young and I've never cheated. I always just tell a guy I'm not monogamous and either they are cool with it and we date or they were super jealous and said no way, so we didn't. I dated a few different guys, some thought they were cool with it, or told me they were only to only be ok with other girls.

Works both ways, so those relationships didnt work. But I never lied and never cheated. Usually if I was with someone actually that I really cares about I wouldn't even be attracted to anyone else so it was a non issue. But I often had girlfriends.

 

My husband was the best I'd ever met though and was right beside me, open to everything I had to say and he was so supportive. We definitely knew we were meant for each other, so married and never looked back. We have both seen a couple other people briefly in the past five years but mostly just each other. Kind of had blinders on until about two years ago. We don't really have anything in commons hobby wise, but are best friends and can talk about almost anything.

 

We met another couple. He had cheated on her in the past. Neither me or my husband liked him a whole lot at first because we had heard those stories. But getting to know them, my husband and I knew right away this guy was me. We are like a reflection of each other, it's insane. Me and his wife got very close too and she picked out right away he was attracted to me and that I was to him. She was completely cool with it at first.

She is completely monogamous and expects him too be. She still didnt trust him a lot at the time because she had caught him cheating the year before. Me her and him even had a threesome one time. She said that with me it was different and he could get out his sexual energy with me as long as there was no kissing and no love. She specifically said that. She watched me and him together a few times even. I know that seems weird but was completely consensual.

 

About a month into this arrangement.. She changed her mind. She said absolutely no more sex and we were to pretend that this had never happened.

 

She totally acts as if nothing happened!! And so did me and him, for four solid months. And then he came in contact with me and we both shares our obvious feelings. Ever since its been an affair from her. My husband knows and is ok with it, and again they pretend its not happening. We all still see each other and go out. We are aloud to dance and sit together, but any touching and she would freak out. She really pretends it never happened, talks to me about how he would never cheat on her, and if he ever did she would leave and take their sons.

 

I'm in love with guy and he's in love with me. I very much value her friendship and have been trying to drown my feelings but I really do think about him all the time. In the beginning I thought it was just lust. I know the difference. But only a couple weeks in I knew I loved him so much.. And then the forced time apart messed with my head. I thought about him day and night. Sometimes I would cry and my husband would just hold me. I can't even explain it felt like physical pain and I lost a lot of weight.

I'm not blaming her in anyway.

 

Now though we are all friends. I am separately with her as well. And I love her like family and tell her absolutely everything going on in my life, except that me and her husband still meet up a couple times a month. Often we don't have sex. Getting pregnant in this situation terrifies me so I avoid it.

 

Me and him talk every day, and me and her talk everyday but she doesn't know me and him do. She believes we had no real feelings beyond lust and that he's just friends with my husband now.

 

I have tried to talk to her about it a few times and she will raise her hand and shake her head and change the subject. She will not acknowledge it and pretends it never happened, and to the outside world and her we are just best buddies who go on double dates. She also knows me and him hang out alone but usually only for short periods but shows no problem with it.

 

I need advice on what's really going on. It's so confusing. I want to just spit out the truth but he swears to me she will leave him and she seems completely closed off everytime I bring it up.

 

*wanted to add, him and my husband get along great.

He has talked about leaving her for me. But they have kids, and he does love her too. I don't know if I can trust him but both me and my husband believe he's telling me the truth. But I am confused about it and have just never been in this situation. If you made it this far, sorry for the novel and thanks for reading.

Edited December 22, 2013 by SweetClover

[MrMeh]

Wow...

 

So your husband is completely aware that you and the other guy both have strong feelings for each other?

Edited December 22, 2013 by MrMeh

[SweetClover]

Wow...

 

So your husband is completely aware that you and the other guy both have strong feelings for each other?

 

Yes, it's open to my husband. He doesn't know everything we talk about, but knows we're in love and when we have sex.

 

They are friends and spend time together but don't talk about the emotional aspect.. But will talk about the sex. Discussed, experimenting as a threesome but haven't went there yet, not sure we will.

 

My husband knew I was polyamorous when we met, he accepts it fully and is unbelievably supportive. If he wanted to bring someone in its open for discussion but I fill his needs for now and have since we met. He hasn't had an emotional relationship with anyone since meeting me.

 

This guy isn't like the other people we've met. We both could see this working long term. But I don't like the lying and the secret side. That's what I'm uncomfortable with.

 

Both of them seem ok with it. They agree its not ideal but don't seem bothered by it, under the stance that she doesn't know, so she's not hurt and we are all happy.

 

Where we live we can't be completely open about our lifestyle. People know but to avoid controversy we don't talk about it much outside of our inner circle. I have nobody really who is unbiased to talk to me about this.

 

I am 22. My husband and my OM are 28 and his wife is in her mid twenties. She has told me she doesn't like sex. She isn't attracted to her husband at all, she has told me this.

She doesn't know if its just since having kids or because she caught him cheating once. But he says it was long before he had a one night stand because that's what led to it happening. They hadnt had sex in several months. He cheated and then was acting guilty, or different, she questioned him and he confessed. They went to marital counselling and reconciled and that was almost 4 years ago now.

Often they go months now, and she says she does it out of duty but doesn't feel it.

 

I wonder it that could change in time?

She thought she could handle and open thing but changed her mind. Pretends she never wanted it in the first place now.. she hasnt said but i assume regrets it a lot. The only reason our ages might matter is because I feel like I have my whole life ahead of me, I don't want to screw up and make huge mistakes and regret anything, and she is young.. If he leaves her now she will find someone more compatible.

 

She hardly ever wants affection from him now.

Which I can sort of understand.

They have young kids and he has said he feels he should stay until they are grown but that he'll leave tomorrow if I say I want him too.

 

I think it would be wrong for me to want that.

 

I do want it. But have said otherwise to him.

Edited December 22, 2013 by SweetClover

[whichwayisup]

You really have no choice but to end it. This is going to end badly and his wife is going to be really hurt, as well as their kids.

 

What is supposed to happen? He divorces her, moves in with you and your husband? Or you do you and your H divorce, then you and this guy can be together? Share custody? I just think of all the kids involved and what a mess this has the potential to be..

I'm definitely not right now and I hope the situation changes soon.

 

You have the power to change it then. His wife doesn't want him around you because you two broke their rules, no affection/kissing/falling in love. All three happened and she put the kabosh on it. Not sure what else to say here, either you two continue on and live a lie, upset and betray her, or you end it and say goodbye, allow him to fix things at home with his wife.

[SweetClover]

His wife has no problem with us being together. She trusts that we are not doing anything, completely acts as if we never have.

I would not divorce my husband. We would yes, either live in a home together, or like now in close proximity and share a life together. Children are in my future but not for several years.

He already has kids and I know them and love them and would continue to do so.

 

I believe he wants a clear, yes, leave her, from me before he files for divorce.

 

I do not want to be the reason he leaves her. She is a good person and she had him first, he had reasons to leave her though, legitimate ones, long before I came along, he doesn't need me to tell him to leave.

 

I also really like her as a person. I wish we could just all make it work but she is not open to that idea at all.

[Realist3]

Just curious. What is the point of being married at 22 if you are polyamorous?

[SweetClover]

Just curious. What is the point of being married at 22 if you are polyamorous?

 

He accepted me for who I am like nobody had before , I fell in love with him hard.. and we are really good together, we could have been together without being married but because I lived in a bad environment it was a way for me to leave..

 

I was actually still 17 my mom had to give consent. That sounds bad maybe, but I don't regret it at all. We are really happy together. I love him very much.

 

Other than looking really young, nobody would pick me out as being especially young, all the people I spend time with are older than me. I grew up fast. Age is mostly a number.

Edited December 22, 2013 by SweetClover

[SweetClover]

I have no plans to end my relationship with him, I care about him and think about him all the time. I would miss him so much even when we would take small breaks.

 

As in the holidays.. We won't see or talk to each other much and it kills me.

 

I would never betray him and tell her behind his back, and I don't want to pressure him to tell, or to leave her.

 

I just am confused and in a weird place emotionally right now.

 

This has the potential to be amazing, or really heartbreaking and I'm feeling lost about it at the moment. I know I'm mostly feeling this way because in a few days they go on holiday and I won't see them until after New Years.

[Popsicle]

Well well. . I'm enjoying the gender switch. Usually it's MM who say "my wife is completely ok with me having other lovers!".

 

As for advice, why can't you just accept things how they are and leave it be?

[dichotomy]

Polyamorus lifestyles or open marriages or what have you - are always interesting. It does seem the bedrock of this lifestyle is complete honesty and openness.

 

Your husband does not see other women, I sense some possessiveness in your discussion of "its open for discussion, but I meet his needs". Don't know why he would not want to experience the joy of poly-love himself - the purported benefit of this kind of arrangement. But this is a separate discussion not relevant to your point,

 

So if your into openness and honesty and love this freedom - and you do not like "cheating" then you are both cheating - you and your other love. More to the point you love someone who lies and hides - how can you love someone who is against your beliefs and lifestyle? Seems like a contradiction. Perhaps your beliefs are not as important as your lust? Would you see a man behind your husbands back? How would you feel if your husband was hiding a love for another woman behind yours? Again I think this lifestyle is about being out and loving and no games.

Edited December 22, 2013 by dichotomy

[SweetClover]

Well well. . I'm enjoying the gender switch. Usually it's MM who say "my wife is completely ok with me having other lovers!".

 

As for advice, why can't you just accept things how they are and leave it be?

 

I have tried to do this. when she first said the sexual side had to end and we all needed to just be friends and pretend it never happened, I went completely cold turkey on him, never contacted him even once in four months. He contacted me a couple times, usually completely harmless texts about when the four of would meet to go for dinner that kind of thing. I would reply very quick and keep it innocent. He flirted a couple times over text in those four months, I would delete them and not reply.

It was the hardest thing I ever went through. I had never had a break up that I didn't initiate and I had never went from talking privately with someone, every day to not at all.. especially someone I had slept with and developed feelings for.

 

Then one night gave in when he texted me and the affair started.

[SweetClover]

Polyamorus lifestyles or open marriages or what have you - are always interesting. It does seem the bedrock of this lifestyle is complete honesty and openness.

 

Your husband does not see other women, I sense some possessiveness in your discussion of "its open for discussion, but I meet his needs". Don't know why he would not want to experience the joy of poly-love himself - the purported benefit of this kind of arrangement. But this is a separate discussion not relevant to your point,

 

So if your into openness and honesty and love this freedom - and you do not like "cheating" then you are both cheating - you and your other love. More to the point you love someone who lies and hides - how can you love someone who is against your beliefs and lifestyle? Seems like a contradiction. Perhaps your beliefs are not as important as your lust? Would you see a man behind your husbands back? How would you feel if your husband was hiding a love for another woman behind yours? Again I think this lifestyle is about being out and loving and no games.

 

No I would not see someone behind my husbands back. That has never ever been an issue. I wouldn't have too. And he would not have too. I don't believe we've ever lied to each other and yes I would be devastated to learn he had lied to me.

 

My husband has seen a few women in the time we have been together, non he developed feelings for, strictly sexual he has been very open about that with me. He feels like he has the ability to develop feelings for someone else, not simply hasn't. It's not a matter of me being possessive.

 

As for how I can love someone who can lie to his wife and cheat, I don't have an answer. I'm having trouble coming to terms with it myself, but I do love him very very much.

[Popsicle]

I have tried to do this. when she first said the sexual side had to end and we all needed to just be friends and pretend it never happened, I went completely cold turkey on him, never contacted him even once in four months. He contacted me a couple times, usually completely harmless texts about when the four of would meet to go for dinner that kind of thing. I would reply very quick and keep it innocent. He flirted a couple times over text in those four months, I would delete them and not reply.

It was the hardest thing I ever went through. I had never had a break up that I didn't initiate and I had never went from talking privately with someone, every day to not at all.. especially someone I had slept with and developed feelings for.

 

Then one night gave in when he texted me and the affair started.

 

That's not what I meant. I meant why can't you just accept seeing him when you do and leave it at that?

[SweetClover]

As for advice, why can't you just accept things how they are and leave it be?

 

... Sorry I thought you meant leave their relationship be. I reread and wonder if you mean accept the affair and the secret?

 

I am tying to do that too, but I want to live honestly and really honestly am selfish and want more of his time. Not much more, but at least wish it wasn't hidden time. I guess I want to be able to not hide anything again. That's what I like most about myself and I'm losing that.

 

I will not pressure him though. He doesn't know just how much it bothers me, even my husband hasn't heard me say just how much it bothers me, but he's picked up on it. I will cry out of the blue and he knows why.

 

I will accept this for as long as I have too. But I wish I had met him before she did every day.

Edited December 22, 2013 by SweetClover

[Popsicle]

Maybe the guys here would be better able to answer these questions.

[whichwayisup]

No I would not see someone behind my husbands back. That has never ever been an issue. I wouldn't have too. And he would not have too. I don't believe we've ever lied to each other and yes I would be devastated to learn he had lied to me.

 

My husband has seen a few women in the time we have been together, non he developed feelings for, strictly sexual he has been very open about that with me. He feels like he has the ability to develop feelings for someone else, not simply hasn't. It's not a matter of me being possessive.

 

As for how I can love someone who can lie to his wife and cheat, I don't have an answer. I'm having trouble coming to terms with it myself, but I do love him very very much.

What if the time comes your husband says "I don't want you seeing him anymore", would you stop seeing him and cut him out of your life?

 

Seems your H has made a decision NOT to let himself fall in love with someone else. He has his own boundaries he won't cross because he knows it brings confusion and trouble. Aka, the situation you're in.

[SweetClover]

Maybe the guys here would be better able to answer these questions.

 

I've been told I approach sex and relationships like a man for years, women often say that to me.

I can have sex without an emotional connection and me and my husband have experimented. Maybe thats more a masculine trait.

But there is nothing in the world like sex when you are in love. And just being around that person. I am a woman. I am very emotionally attached and whether I get advice from me or women makes no difference.

 

I know I'm not the only woman who has been in love with more than one person

 

.. I would be willing to accept the status we have now, the affair, indefinitely .. Sometimes.. And other days when I go over and over it in my head, or when I know I won't be able to talk to him for a while.. Like during the holidays, it's painful.

[SweetClover]

What if the time comes your husband says "I don't want you seeing him anymore", would you stop seeing him and cut him out of your life?

 

Seems your H has made a decision NOT to let himself fall in love with someone else. He has his own boundaries he won't cross because he knows it brings confusion and trouble. Aka, the situation you're in.

 

If he was to say that to me I would end the affair then yes. He's my husband because we have agreed to be partners in life.

 

It would be extremely hard for me. I would only remain married if my husband accepted my wishes, however if he ever told me to end it with OM I would have to believe it was my best interests he had at heart and Id listen to him.

 

That said, we both must agree on who the other develops an emotional relationship with, sexual is different, but we still always are open and honest about that too, and have always agreed, so it's never been an issue.

My husband sees this other guy as a huge benefit to our relationship and only wants me to feel comfortable with the situation as it is, he wants me to go with the flow.

I have a higher sex drive than my husband which is a big reason I say I fulfill his needs. As well as emotionally, I believe Im just enough for him at this point in his life. that could change one day. I need to talk more and need more validation and affection than he's always able to provide and he's completely accepting of me getting that elsewhere. We talk about it a lot.

 

When we very first got married we imagined a future with two men and me, that's always been a part of the picture.

We both enjoy other women, we just haven't developed long term feelings for anyone like for this OM.

 

There is a double standard that some people will accept a man with more than one woman but people think its so unheard of for a woman to have more than one man.

 

My husband is ok with it, he's happy and he finds it sexy, even if people don't find that easy to believe.

Edited December 22, 2013 by SweetClover

[Popsicle]

So tell this OM that you want him to leave his wife and live with you and your husband as your second lover/husband.

[dichotomy]

 

I am tying to do that too, but I want to live honestly and really honestly am selfish and want more of his time. Not much more, but at least wish it wasn't hidden time. I guess I want to be able to not hide anything again. That's what I like most about myself and I'm losing that.

 

I will not pressure him though. He doesn't know just how much it bothers me, even my husband hasn't heard me say just how much it bothers me, but he's picked up on it. I will cry out of the blue and he knows why.

 

I will accept this for as long as I have too. But I wish I had met him before she did every day.

 

 

Well this is the crux of the matter isn't it.

 

1) Your second love (OM) is a liar and cheat as I mentioned. You need to focus on this character in him and understand that this is the way he treats women - not very attractive huh? Applies to monograms couples and poly couples right?

 

2) Your highlight post above shows you are lying and hiding too - you are not being completely open on how you feel to either man you "love". Is this how you love - hiding parts of how you feel to your husband or your other loves. If you husband loves you he needs to know you - and accept your need for other loves - I can't imagine he would want you in a relationship that brings pain or tears. And maybe if the other man in your mirror and really "loves" you - he will accept your honesty about the painful side he brings and do the right thing for both you and you husband.

 

 

So why not first start with opening yourself up completely to both your men - saying how much this hurts to not be living and loving free from lies, hiding, or hurting others. I mean Poly or "Normal" love and marriage - both wish to love in a honest true and positive nature - not the way you are now right?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

P.S. as a BH, and believer in monogamy, this has to be the strangest advice I have ever given here on LS. But in the end it does come down to honesty I suppose.

Edited December 22, 2013 by dichotomy

[SweetClover]

Well this is the crux of the matter isn't it.

 

1) Your second love (OM) is a liar and cheat as I mentioned. You need to focus on this character in him and understand that this is the way he treats women - not very attractive huh? Applies to monograms couples and poly couples right?

 

2) Your highlight post above shows you are lying and hiding too - you are not being completely open on how you feel to either man you "love". Is this how you love - hiding parts of how you feel to your husband or your other loves. If you husband loves you he needs to know you - and accept your need for other loves - I can't imagine he would want you in a relationship that brings pain or tears. And maybe if the other man in your mirror and really "loves" you - he will accept your honesty about the painful side he brings and do the right thing for both you and you husband.

 

 

So why not first start with opening yourself up completely to both your men - saying how much this hurts to not be living and loving free from lies, hiding, or hurting others. I mean Poly or "Normal" love and marriage - both wish to love in a honest true and positive nature - not the way you are now right?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

P.S. as a BH, and believer in monogamy, this has to be the strangest advice I have ever given here on LS. But in the end it does come down to honesty I suppose.

 

Thank you very much for the very honest and non judgmental advice.

I'd like to add even in a monogamous relationship where people are open and honest and share most people don't share every single fiber of thought.

 

I'm not lying to either man. I just haven't said out loud that I want him to leave his wife now instead of later. It's not lying to have left this out, because some days I don't feel so strongly about it and I feel ok. If either of them out right asked me I would spill everything. They both know I love him and both known I wish he wasn't married (unless it was open) and ultimately want him with me long term.

 

Some days he mentions leaving, others both guys say that when the kids are raised is when he should leave.

 

I think if he's going to leave he should now, or sooner than that! We are talking 15 years or so?? I know that sounds incredibly selfish and I don't want to be selfish but in my opinion that's cruel to his wife too. She's only 25 now, she is young and a good woman who may not have as many options for a more compatible mate when she is in her forties.

Edited December 22, 2013 by SweetClover