Not sure what I'm feeling....

[kkat]

Not sure what I'm feeling, just needed to talk.

 

I stopped seeing my MM in September after a year and a half relationship that ended with him, obviously, not leaving his marriage as promised. A decade ago, he left his wife when he met me and we were together for almost four years, during which time we lived together and I became close to his children who spent weekends with us, and to his other family members, with the exception of his wife obviously, and his friends, then he went back home to his wife where he remains today. In between, we were virtually in no contact and I hadn't seen him in seven years when the affair started again last year. Obviously, the question of how stupid could I have possibly been has crossed my mind too many times to count.

 

After many stops and starts, I found the strength to end the affair and stopped seeing him in September. In the period since September, we have had some limited phone contact, mostly checking in with each other on how our sick parents are doing - both of us have a parent that is critically ill - and other conversations rehashing the same old sadness and pain. I have been working on breaking the remains of that contact and the addictive tendancies towards the relationship that I have exhibited and have made considerable progress.

 

I now have let go of the fantasy of him - and see him for the person he really is - and intellectually realize that I am better off that he did not leave his family. The old fantasy creeps in from time to time, but the reality is far stronger these days. However, I have so much unresolved baggage around this relationship, and don't know if I'm better off to try to resolve it with him - he is very open to talking about things - or to just continue, and further, the disconnection from him and find my own resolution.

 

I am launching a new business and money is tight for me. He asked if he could give me a Christmas gift and I told him I was uncomfortable with that. We discussed it a few times and I knew I didn' t want the emotional impact of a gift from him so I just told him I was uncomfortable and please don't give me a gift. He then said he wanted to at least help me pay for my latest trip home to see my family. (I had mentioned to him that my plane ticket was almost a thousand dollars). I told him repeatedly I was uncomfortable with that, and thanks but I couldn't accept, but tonight he showed up and left a package for me - cash for my plane ticket expenses and a bottle of wine.

 

He called to confirm I had received it; I didn't know what to say so just thanked him, and then the conversation led to a big venting session of me crying and talking about how hurt I have been by his betrayal of me, blah blah blah.

 

I'm feeling so angry at him and even more at myself and don't know what is going on in my head.

 

Thanks for reading.

[SummerRae]

Good Lord girl, I understand your confusion!! He is acting all over the map and clearly, it is sooo difficult because you have such a history with him, and obviously despite him causing you pain, he also seems to give you something emotionally that you may not have been able to find (so far) with anyone else.

 

I know the feelings! Like you my ex-MM sent $$ for a plane ticket, school, and other things, and I thought if he could do all this (when he didn't have much $$ himself) then he definitely had feelings. And yet, he was also capable of living a double life. Of course that is the most confusing part.

 

Hun, I recently read this book by Thomas Moore called Soul Mates and it helped to put things in perspective because sometimes, we don't know why we feel the way we do, and there is no other explanation (for me personally) than the fact that our Souls need to feel this way for their own mysterious ways. Please don't beat yourself up. You are human, you have feelings, and sometimes, despite getting burnt, we still can't keep our hands away from the flames.

 

I relate to the fantasy you have of him. I have that to this day of my ex, despite all the lies and the double-speak. I see him as essentially a good human being but extremely wounded. I see no point in hating him and yet maybe because of that I have weakened a few times because of his charm.........

 

I know it's hard to hear this, but all we can do is ride out the waves of our emotions.

 

A friend told me the other day, that once we have wounds, all we can do is do our best to take care of them. Our on-again off-again contact with them is just like taking the bandages off our wounds, it does nothing to help the healing, and just hurts us more. But sometimes to realize the correct "medical" procedures, we have to look at the wound a few times to make sure it doesn't need stitches, etc.... The analogy kinda helped me. Because just like wounds, we will never be completely free of them. The scar will always remain. But the longer we keep taking the bandages off, the more it's going to hurt.

 

Best of luck and love to you.

 

You're in my prayers.