my mom is a slob and my relatives are facilitators

[ana0pera]

she always has been and it has made my life miserable. by all accounts she is a good mother but her messiness is embarrassing, disruptive, destructive, and unbearable.

 

she isn't even messy she is dirty. like eating food in her room and not takin the dishes out, putting half empty cups in the refrigerator, trash in her car, laundry everywhere and the hamper file with clean laundry. she is constantly losing things and her purse has so much crap in it that it is embarrassing to go shopping with her because she can never find her money.

 

I don't live at home anymore but when I come home it doesn't feel like vacation and I am miserable. my room has so much junk in it and she expects me to clean it up! I can't unpack my luggage really becuse I always end up losing something amongst her crap.

 

her house her rules right? well it isn't even her house it is my grandmas. we've dealt with this mess for 25+ years (i am 25... when i was a kid she told me that she was clean before I arrived but my grandma told me this wasnt true) and everyone is constantly picking up after her and complaining but she is sensitive, hyper, and loud so no one really mentions it to her face anymore. if i complain about it to her thoug they come to her defense and male me feel bad and act like it's my fault!

I get so stressed by it and since I've been living on my own since college with my own place and nice things it just really gets at me to see her messing up basically everything she comes into contact with. there is also the issue of her beig in major debt but spending her money willy nilly on things for people that don't appreciate it but I digress.

 

I don't think I can change her because everytime I talk to her about this she gets defensive and ends up crying and the rest of th family turns on me. but she is like a teenager or frat boy minus the drugs and alcohol. I can't live with her and I really dread taking care of her when She gets older (I am an only child) because I don't think she'd respect the rules/cleanliness of my house if she ever had to move in with me and because I am an only child and she is single/peniless I really have no choice but I take care of her.

 

I sound selfish in all of this and I feel bad feeling this way but she is absolutely horrible to live with, sometimes she is downright nasty and I don't want that negativity in my life. I know she madea lot of sacrifices for me but I feel like it was all with the expectation that I'd take care of her; she has done nothing to prepare for her future and to me that is really selfish on her part.

 

I don't want to cut ties with my family but I just can't relate to them anymore and she causes me so much pain and no matter what wrong she does they always side side with her... I feel like I am just waiting for everything to fall apart.

 

I just feel so miserable whenever I visit for this reason and a few other reasons (basically my family house is full of bitter women who I think have undiagnosed mental disorders/depression and two are mentally ill). I don't even want to visit anymore... they treat me loke a child even tough ive seen more of the world than all of them combined and ive been living on my own for years. i feel like k cant suck it up and stay quiet about any of this anymore. should I just make the visits super short from now on? I live on the other side of the U.S. so trips are expensive and because I am in school I can't come home whenever. so when I visit it is like for 2-3 weeks at a time... and I feel miserable after two days. is it even worth telling my mom or relatives how I feel? I think they will just call me a snob and other derogatory terms because that is easier than realizing the problems that they have. I feel like they are all so toxic though especially my mom and in the long run their behaviors will take a toll on me if I don't set boundaries

[nescafe1982]

I have an aunt that's a bit like your mom. I am convinced the overspending, hoarding, and messiness are often manifestations of a single psychological issue... I've seen it a few times, and always in middle aged women who had some kind of major, insurmountable obstacle that confronted them at some point in the past and which they did not cope with properly.

 

Psychologists of crisis say that when we are faced with a major new obstacle, we can either 1) cope, 2) crumble, or 3) put a moratorium on the issue until some later time. I'm not an expert, but I would argue that people who hoard/overspend have chosen option 3, but have gotten so "stuck" in their destructive pattern that they never got around to dealing with the issue that faces them.

 

Here's the rub, though: as her daughter, there is not a whole lot you can do unless (and until) she is ready to change her habits. It's heartbreaking, I'm sure, and more than a little embarrassing... but she has to be the source of any change here. All you can do is support her when she makes that decision.

 

As for the rest of the family enabling your mother's behavior, that's also problematic. What do they do that enables her, specifically? Are they in denial about the problem? Do they pretend they don't see the mess? Do they ask her for gifts? Do they go with her when she's overspending? These could be enabling behaviors...

 

But if it's that they simply aren't pushing her to clean up her act aggressively enough, I'm wouldn't be so sure they are actively enabling her as waiting for her to make the decision herself.

 

That said, if your mother's messiness is to the level of actual hoarding, and you are starting to worry about her physical safety, I would recommend speaking to a professional psychologist about how to help her. There may be a safe, therapeutic way to have an intervention for her if things have gotten really out of hand... but you'll want to have expert advice if so.

[Trapito]

My parents are a bit like this, there is clutter everywhere. It is always messy in their house, when I come to visit I usually have to step over boxes before I can reach my bed. It is not only clutter, it is also the lack of hygiene. Funny thing is, when I grew up they weren't like this. The house used to be neat and organized.

 

I have battled with this for a long time. Then one day I realized; Well this isn't my house. If they want to live like this it's fine. I keep my house clean and organized. I don't have any influence in their household. I just let it go. Just because they are messy, does not mean they don't love me or are bad parents. Heck, they are great and loving parents. I just don't stay qt their place for to long. Maybe a weekend, that's it. Otherwise I'll end up cleaning, lol.

 

You can NOT change her, only she can. If she doesn't want to, where does that leave you?

[Tayla]

I mean no disrespect to this post as these concerns are real and disturbing to reside with. What I will say is after losing my mom (who also had a few of these habits in her living conditions), I would give anything to have her here. You wont understand what I say til after you lose such a person, then suddenly all these things will be the very things you wish you could endure...because, once they are gone, there is nothing to pick up or complain about...then you are left to endure an emptiness and sorrow like none other. I cannot tell you how to 'accept" the person while tolerating their habits...I can tell you though that you only get one parent.....find a way to value something in them....

[Els]

You can't change her, and frankly, it isn't your prerogative to.

 

If it is uncomfortable to live in her house, don't. Tell her you feel uncomfortable because of her messiness, and book a place in a hotel when you come to visit instead. Don't get your other relatives involved in family issues. It isn't worth it.

 

When it comes time for you to take care of her, she either has to abide by the rules you set for your own house, or she has to live separately.

[writergal]

OP I think you should check your city for therapists who specialize in helping people who hoard. Hoarding is a serious, psychological issue. Hoarding can't be cured, but it can be treated so that your mom can get the support that she clearly needs.

 

Compulsive hoarding - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

Here's a nationwide directory of hoarding cleanup help if you are in the U.S. Hoarding Cleanup Help | Help For Hoarders | Hoarding Help - Hoarding Help for Hoarders, Resources, Hoarding Cleanup, Clutter Clean up

 

If you're in the UK, Pathways Through The Maze: National Hoarding and Squalor Conference 2012