The Lost Guide to No Contact V4

[lost_in_chgo]

Who does this guy think he is?

These are my thoughts. I'm not a doctor, I'm not your shrink, I'm not your friend, but I am trying to help you like others helped me. I am an anonymous (or semi-anonymous) person on the Internet. These are just some thoughts for you. They have been gathered from the thoughts of a lot of other people on the board, and some other places on the net, mixed up in a 1 quart saucepan and poured all over this and other pages. Let them bake in your brain for awhile, you might like the taste when they are done.

 

No doubt the metaphors will wear on you, but try to deal with it. I think they're cute and I'm writing this so I get to have my way.

 

A quick note on the use of they and them here. Them is what I have chosen to use instead of him/her. It's simpler and friendlier than it. I will also use the ex interchangeably when and how I see fit.

 

What's no contact?

"No Contact" is the practice of eliminating contact with your ex to stabilize an emotional relationship and establish some boundaries. This doesn't mean being an ass to your ex. It means eliminating as much contact as possible. Playing hard to get, if you will. Letting things settle down so that you can either move on or come together in a rational, calm way.

 

No Contact is not something that you announce to the other person. It is something that you do, how you live your life. Do not make a proclamation about your intentions, or you undo everything you are working toward.

 

No Contact allows you to reach some emotional stability. It also has the possible benefit of making your ex aware that you can function with out them.

 

Perspective?

This is written from a male perspective, no doubt the ladies will disagree with some of it, though I have tried as much as the testosterone will allow, to incorporate all of the feedback I have received in this version.

 

Did you do the dumping?

Basically, if you are trying to get rid of someone, be straightforward and honest with them. Don't try to be kind, and don't try to be mean. Honesty really works a lot better. Kindness is perhaps the cruelest thing to do. Tell them the truth once you figure it out yourself. If you aren't sure, say so. Don't make up all kinds of things to make the other person feel at fault. And don't sugar coat your feelings with misplaced kindness. That isn't to say that you should keep quiet. Before dumping someone, you should probably know the difference between the things they actually do and the the things you are making up in your head, but few people do.

 

Oh, and ladies... your ex boyfriend is not your new girlfriend. Don't treat him like he is, he is not going to take that well. Don't try to introduce your new guy to him and pretend it will all work out. It won't and you just might get someone killed in the process.

 

And if you were just trying to make him jealous, get the hell away from me and from him and go live by yourself, because you aren't fit for a real relationship and you should wait until you are out of grade school.

 

Now, the rest of this is for those that were dumped by their ex and desire reconciliation....

 

Why would I want to practice "no contact"?

In many cases, emotions get the better of people, before, during and after a breakup. What we are trying to do here is to push a big fat red reset button on that problem.

 

People recommend no contact for two reasons, to allow you to move on (for your own good - even if that isn't what you want) or to allow your ex time to think and come back without being pushed further away.

 

The no contact time...

1) allows you to get over them (even if you don't want to)

2) allows them to get over you (even if you don't want them to)

3) allows you time to reconsider wanting them back, with a clear head

4) allows them time to reconsider wanting to leave, and time to miss you and want you back

5) allows you to separate more easily

6) allows you to reconcile

 

Attempting to accelerate this process will most likely extend it. What you want to do is break off contact and eliminate all the points of conflict that come up between you and the ex.

 

You are not in control of your ex's portion of this process. Do not try to be.

 

As my friend Mr. Positive said recently, "Not to worry, it'll be fine."

 

Why not pursuit instead?

Pursuit is a valid tactic immediately after the breakup. You need to establish to your ex that you are not indifferent to them, but only up to a point. Sending gifts very early on to try to win over your ex is ok (if your ex is female, for men probably not), but if they tell you to stop, STOP. If they seem at all irritated STOP. Otherwise they will start to see it as a manipulation, no matter how sincere you are. At that point you are violating their space. The more you do it, the more damage you do to yourself.

 

If your ex is seeing someone else, they do not deserve any gifts and doing so will certainly be looked at as a space violation.

 

If your ex talks condescendingly to you, that's probably a bad sign. They don't respect you.

 

I've already pursued, did I blow it?

Nope.

 

But if it's been awhile since the breakup, you have pushed the ex away a bit. You're challenging their decision. They are going to rebel against that.

 

Are you stalking? STOP IT. It won't improve things; it'll just get you locked up or under a restraining order. STOP IT.

If you are driving by her house to see who's there, calling and hanging up, "meeting" her "accidentally", harassing her male friends, calling her family, sitting on her front steps, damaging property, etc you are already over the line and you need to stop now. If you can't, get counseiling. Now.

 

Talk to your friends and family

If your friends are honest with you they will tell you why they are recommending no contact. But sometimes they will recommend no contact because they think they are doing what's best for you and want you to move on. Just keep in mind that your friends may be trying to do what they think is best for you rather than what is best for your goal of getting her back. Ask them.

 

It's hard to tell what a friend's motives are sometimes, but the end result is the same however you prefer things to work out. Sometimes they know better than you do, sometimes they just think they do, sometimes they are genuinely trying to help and sometimes they are just afraid to tell you what they really think. Then there is the friend that has their own interest at heart, he wants your ex, but then, he isn't your friend is he? Don't get all paranoid. It's just a thought.

 

If you are a friend advising someone else: Be honest, otherwise you are doing them a horrible disservice in the guise of trying not to upset them. (That kind of motivation is about you, not about helping them).

 

Understand that you are always going to hear they don't deserve you or they were no good for you anyway followed up by a millions platitudes like things will work out or you'll feel better soon or have a cookie. These phrases are well meaning and supportive, but offer nothing substantial (except for the cookie one, but that could end up damging depending on how many you are offered).

 

Try to have a real conversation with someone. It will help. But if they can't deal with it, don't keep talking about it or you'll alienate them and end up with no one to spend time with.

 

If you still feel bad, have a cookie.

 

Practicing "No Contact"

Now no contact doesn't mean never talk to your ex. But it does mean that you should not pursue your ex. Doing so will push them away. Don't solicit mutual friends or your ex's family to talk to the ex. Talk to them if they are your friends, but don't give them missions, and don't ask them questions. It's best that you don't even talk to them about your ex unless they bring it up.

 

For instance, I talked to a mutual work acquaintance about my ex. She went to the ex and asked her if she thought we'd get back together. The ex told her no way. Later on she realized that the ex was using her to send me messages and now she has doubts that she really meant it. She says that my ex isn't ready, and that it may take time.

 

If your goal here is to reconcile, what you are trying to do is show your ex that you are independent and strong. You want them to see you in the best possible light. Every time you try to get them to see things your way, change their mind, or talk to you, you are pressuring them to do what you want. Every time they see that they will run away. What you want is for it to be their idea.

 

What I've been doing is talking to the ex when she approaches me. The last time we chatted, she was IM'ing me all day while we worked. We had an ongoing intermittent conversation for about 6 hours. About lunch time I told her I had to go and that she could message me anytime and that I had missed chatting with her. After lunch we continued to chat. Now it's been about two weeks since she's contacted me.

 

What I tried to do was to make her at ease with talking to me but to let her know that I am still around. Because of the divorce issue, I feel that it is important to let her know this periodically. If she wasn't going thru that I would cut her off completely. My telling her that I've missed her, even casually, gives her power. That is something that you want to avoid doing. Women are attracted to power, not to men who give it up. But in this divorce scenario, there is some power in knowing what you want and making it clear to her. But that has to be done in such a way that it doesn't come across as whining. Generally speaking though, you appear more powerful if you are not pursuing.

 

If your ex sees that you are not pursuing they may have some doubts and come back to see how things are doing. This is the scouting party, coming to see how strong your forces are, get the lay of the land so to speak. This is not the time for you to undo everything you've accomplished. Don't over commit or reveal your positions. Maintain your strong front, be polite, be strong and wait for the full force to show itself. This is war. The best way to win a battle is to never fight it. You need to absorb your enemy into your ranks and allay with him/her. So be cool, give your ex a comfortable feeling of warm fuzziness. Muddle thru the Art of War for more information.

 

If your goal is to distance yourself and get past all this, then you should also be boxing up everything that reminds you of the ex and putting away somewhere where you won't see it all the time. Don't throw it out, you may want to see it at some point in your life. Drop the wallpaper on your PC, remove the photos, gifts, perfumes etc from your daily life. Otherwise they will always be in your thoughts.

 

 

Self improvement

So, nothing to do with your time? Stress getting to you?

Exercise.

Now.

 

What you don't have a treadmill?

You have shoes don't you?

 

You're probably sitting in a chair right now with your feet on the floor. That floor is a wonderful thing. It's connected to something called "the ground". The ground is an ideal walking surface. So get out there and walk.

No, not to McDonald's. Not to Subway.

 

I went thru a bit of hell when my ex dumped me and lost 40 lbs in 2 months. Then another 15 which I later put back on, but that first 40 has not come back. If that and a few memories and a bit of caution in the future are all I take away from this relationship, I guess I can't complain too much.

 

My ex's tend to put on weight after our breakup. Not uncommon I guess. But it does change one's perspective a bit when the ex is less attractive. You want to be on the good side of that. Lose weight, don't gain it.

 

Aside from a little weight loss, or body development, taking a class, learning something, getting out there, or volunteering are all methods of improving yourself and your outlook on life if you are feeling a little down. But exercise is the best way. It's a great stress reliever and gets the blood pumping.

 

Volunteering is touted as self-improvement, but it's really just a way of feeling better about yourself by helping others (or seeing how bad off you could be?).

 

 

Dating

If your ex starts dating other people, things get a little cloudier. They may still decide to come back. They may decide that they can't return because they were with someone else and won't be welcome.

 

If you start dating, you may decide that your ex doesn't matter anymore. Or you may end up hurting someone else when you take your ex back. If you don't start dating, you risk wasting your time for nothing. That may be best for you, you have to decide.

 

Your ex may actually be comforted by you dating other people while they do. Dating someone else will also level the playing field between the two of you and reduce possible feelings of jealousy when you get back together. If you are the jealous type, you have to put that behind you or you will destroy any hope of reconciliation when the opportunity presents itself.

 

We only dated a few months, but I love my ex!

Three months is a magic number. It's built into the human brain (or so they say). If the relationship only lasted 3-4 months to begin with or if your ex is less than 25 (or so) years old (or really immature) they aren't likely to be coming back. It could take a bit longer with the immature as they may lack the nerve to break up in the first place. So 3 months is a trial period. The trial is over, move on. Less than 25 yrs old, many/most people aren't looking for permanent relationships. Don't get your hopes up. It might happen, sure, but it probably won't.

 

We only dated for a long time or were married

If the relationship lasted longer than 3 months, you may have some hope. People do reconcile. Take an honest look at your situation and decide if there is truly any chance. Not hope, not desire, but an honest to goodness chance. Be honest with yourself.

 

Stats say that 50% of marriages in the USA fail. Other stats say that 80% of married couples have been separated from their partner at one time or another. Other stats say that most divorced people will remarry within a couple years. There are no stats on unmarried couples, since divorce and marriage are the criteria for the stats. But we can probably safely assume that the numbers are similar. So, what’s that say for your chances? If the average person stays married for seven (per marriage, and based on the concept of seven year itch.

 

So what are the odds? Well 50% of relationships fail, and 50% survive. Of the 50% that succeed, 80% of those (40% of the marriages) have suffered breakups/separations and reconciled. So the odds of you getting back together are 80%. The odds of any marriage working long term are 90% ? hmmm.

 

If there wasn’t a marriage involved, and it wasn’t short term. Then it probably is a lower chance, but those numbers are hopeful.

 

If there are other factors, like severe emotional distress (recent breakup, divorce, illness, death of a loved one), insecurity (fear of success), immaturity (fear of not getting your way, or just plain fear) or psychological trauma (child of divorce, mental illness, abuse, rape) your ex may just need to find themself or work through their issues. Emotional distress can cause someone to make a drastic change to try to stabilize or reset their life. Your ex may be trying to eliminate you as a stressor.

 

Your ex may be aware of these factors, but probably is not. Your ex may even be trying to do what is best for you while they work through their own issues. That is a sign of a good person. A good person won't tell you that they just need to go out and try a few other people so that they are sure they are doing the right thing because they are too young, or was married for so long.

 

If your ex was recently divorced, you may be the rebound person. If you were friends prior to that, you may have some hope yet. If not, the chance is there, but slim. Many divorced people latch on to someone close. But others just look for someone who is radically different from their ex.

 

Once your ex works thru the issues they are facing, they may reconsider.....or they may not. Your ex might find someone else they like better in the meantime. Don't put your life on hold. Sure, it's easy to say, but supposedly it works. "The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else."

 

I have kids, what do I do?

This is an excellent point that was brought up in a recent thread. Just remember that the kids come first. Unless your ex was abusing the kids in some form, your kids should have contact with both their biological parents, it's important. Don't try to use your kids as weapons and don't try to prevent contact with the ex. You're doing that for vengeance and harming your kids in the process. Try to limit your personal interaction, but whatever you do, do it without harming the kids or interfering with parental visitation. Don't bad mouth the ex. Kids are smarter than you think. And even if they buy your line of bull now, they will look back on it with the perspective of years and resent you for your manipulation. Don't try to bring a new guy into your kids lives too quickly. You may want to wait until your are seriously considering marriage or a long term relationship with someone before introducing them to your kids. Parading a string of partners past your kids will only confuse, upset, or damage them.

 

My ex just got divorced (or was about to) and dumped me

This is classic. And it's a pet peeve of mine as this is the situation I found myself in over a year ago. Your ex is going thru the most confusing time of their life. There is nothing that you can do to stop this, or to control it. You have to let it happen. All you can do is let them know that you are still interested and accept whatever they throw at you. And they will throw alot.

 

In my case I was told a variety of things that I did that caused the breakup. All of these were later retracted by the ex or revealed to be invalid thru conversations she had with others that were related to me in some fashion. I learned thru mutual acquaintances and her relatives that she just needed to be single for a while. The most poignant comment made to me about this while I was railing at the world was "she just needed to try out other people. Good women don't say things like that. They just break up with you and do it. What did you expect her to say I just need to screw some other guys and see what I've been missing for 15 years?"

 

The point of this is that when your ex is pulling away out of fear of entering another bad relationship, they will say things that are designed to distance you. They may also seek out someone else to establish a barrier between you. These are hard things to work thru and to accept. If at the end of it all, you still want them back, then you have to set all that aside and give them whatever time they need to find their way back.

 

The ex keeps calling while I'm trying to start no contact

Don't reply right away. But you should reply. Wait a day the first time, wait a little longer after that. Don't be rude, be casual. Don't refuse, but instead defer contact. Gradually increase the time between callbacks. If the ex asks you to get back together, you need to decide if you still want that and then let them in slowly. Be careful. Don't jump back into bed right away. Set some boundaries and expectations of your own.

 

The ex calls after a period of no contact.

Don't reply right away. But you should reply. Wait a day the first time, wait a little longer after that. Don't be rude, be casual. Leave the ball in their court to give them a comfort zone and a good image of you. Don't play games. If you don't respond at all your ex may read that as you moving on.

 

Moving on

When you don't really value relationships, it is easier to separate. You'll hear alot of advice along the lines of "they weren't worth it, find someone else" from people who defend their emotional well being by running to someone else. Whether that works for you is up to you.

 

No contact can also be a method for revenge against a partner who wronged you or a self defense mechanism to deal with the emotions of the breakup. The dumper may use it to avoid facing their feelings about a person they don't want to be with, or the dumped may use it as a defense.

 

The problem is that when you are really in love and have legitimate reason to believe the other person may come back, the longer the no contact goes on the harder it is to deal with the separation. The mental pressure to do something continues to increase.

 

If you are up against an externally imposed deadline (your ex is moving away, changing jobs, etc.) you are going to eventually be forced to break the no contact policy or accept that you may never see or hear from them again.

 

If your ex is getting married, go out and rent the movie The Graduate for ideas on how to approach her at the wedding.

 

At some point you have to move on. You can't just sit around and pine for the ex forever. Sure, you have to do it for a while, but not forever. You did your duty. You gave it a more than a reasonable effort. If the relationship is finished forever, it won't be because you didn't try.

 

But let's be honest here. If you can't be honest with yourself, you are wasting time reading this. So, did you cause the breakup? Was your ex justified in ending things because of something you did? Can you correct it?

 

So if it's time, move on. Only you can decide when.

 

In the meantime, date someone else.

 

If the ex doesn't respond "no contact" will eventually turn into peace of mind for you. Eventually. You've moved on. If they come back around it will be on your terms, or the answer will be no.

 

It isn't fair

Yeah.

 

You know I used the word justified a little while ago. But, let's make something clear. Your ex does not need to justify their decision to you. This is a personal viewpoint, preference, emotion, feeling or what have you of which your ex has 100% control. They do not need to provide you a justification, but if they are a halfway decent person that can cope with a little bit of face to face conflict, they will at the very least explain it to you so that you can correct it in your next relationship. If they don't offer to explain, ask. If they won't, there isn't much you can do about it.

 

Reconciliation...

Once the dumper tries to comes back, the rules change. If they call, then they have changed or are thinking about changing their mind (whatever they might think) and the walls are coming down a bit. But your ex may just be feeling bad about what they did and trying to get some comfort for themself.

 

It doesn't matter, it shows that your ex is thinking about you. Keeping your ex at a distance lets them continue to lower the walls until eventually they are trying hard to get you back. So you talk, you are civil, you can state your terms, offer to take them back, but you cannot beg them to come back.

 

If your ex asks to try again, and you still want to, then do it, slowly.

 

Letting your ex back into your life too easily may give them the illusion that they can just come back on their terms and take what they want when they want. That's no kind of relationship. You have to let your ex into your world, but not have control of it. If they are going to come back it has to be on mutual terms, not their terms and not yours.

 

 

When in doubt

"No contact" should be considered a policy and not a rule. If you have any doubt, don't contact your ex. Listen to that little voice. Try to sit on things for a day or two before acting.

[GreenCap]

Lost

 

Thanks for the tome on no contact. I can't say I have followed every detail but for the most part, it is something I have been doing. I have to re-read the post again to absorb it more and perhaps add some comments, then you'll have the definitive No Contact process/method.

 

Later.

[alphamale]

I ask for the 4th time why are people so obsessed with No Contact on this forum?

 

If you are an emotionally strong person then NC is a no-brainer.

[iceisles]

Originally posted by alphamale

I ask for the 4th time why are people so obsessed with No Contact on this forum?

 

If you are an emotionally strong person then NC is a no-brainer.

 

Because most people have very unstable emotions following a breakup and need to be reassured that this is an effective way to handle that trauma. Breakups can make folks act irrationally, and it takes guides like this to help reassure those individuals that there are effective ways to manage heartache.

[SoleMate]

I ask for the 4th time why are people so obsessed with No Contact on this forum?

Isn't that like asking why people are obsessed with their car engine...becuase they read the manual when they need to fix it?

 

Yes, alphamale, we know you are the epitome of masculine strength, and probably your dick is over a foot long. I'm sure you could ignore busloads of needy women from here to Timbuktu and back. You're way better than anyone who might actually NEED ADVICE about how to handle the end of a relationship.

 

Oh...BTW...why are you on a relationship forum again?

 

And to lost in chgo - good work as always. Except I would remove the part about "It's OK to send gifts to the gf who just dumped you." Maybe it works for some...but to me it is a major turnoff. Lots of men have this reflex, and granted, many women respond. Just not the classy ones.

[helena abadi]

I agree, it's never OK to send gifts afterwards. That's way too much. Rein it in for God's sake. Otherwise, Lost, you're good. It worked for me.

 

And the analogy of a fix-it manual is accurate. Bad breakups can turn even the most rational people into wrecks. Reading how other people cope is hugely helpful.

 

Btw Alphamale, extremely regular contributor to these posts, if you don't need this stuff, why are you reading it for the 4th time? Huh?

[alphamale]

Originally posted by SoleMate

Yes, alphamale, we know you are the epitome of masculine strength, and probably your dick is over a foot long. I'm sure you could ignore busloads of needy women from here to Timbuktu and back. You're way better than anyone who might actually NEED ADVICE about how to handle the end of a relationship.

 

Oh...BTW...why are you on a relationship forum again?

 

my penis is of avg length btw. i would not ignore busload of needy women. i am on here to GIVE advice to younger men on what I have learned about women over the last 20 or so yrs. you will notice that i rarely ASK for advice from anyone.

 

...and after almost 1,000 posts I am an integral part of LS now. And I am not ashamed or embarrased by my philosophies or points of view...

[iceisles]

Originally posted by alphamale

my penis is of avg length btw. i would not ignore busload of needy women. i am on here to GIVE advice to younger men on what I have learned about women over the last 20 or so yrs. you will notice that i rarely ASK for advice from anyone.

 

What is your current relationship status? Are you married?

[alphamale]

Originally posted by iceisles

What is your current relationship status? Are you married?

 

i was married for 3.5 yrs and divorced her in '97 cause it was shytty marriage.

 

right now i have been dating a woman for 3+ yrs on and off. during the "off" parts, i date other women. so it is like having the best of both worlds.

 

not interested in marriage again or kids. i love women too much to actually marry one again.

[BrainRightHeartWrong]

And to lost in chgo - good work as always. Except I would remove the part about "It's OK to send gifts to the gf who just dumped you." Maybe it works for some...but to me it is a major turnoff. Lots of men have this reflex, and granted, many women respond. Just not the classy ones.

 

today my ex would have got a letter from me but perhaps she hasn't got it yet, she got really upset at christmas because i sent her a joke present to take the piss out of christmas... although this she said was the last straw

 

now i want to make it up to her and i am sending her something she would like shortly, i told her this in the letter as well as telling her my feelings which i never got around to as much as i would have liked

 

i've alredady bought them / getting stuff made

 

she is doing the NC, so am i to a lesser extent, no phone calls, no visits, no txts

 

but a lot of my girlfriends reckon i should really try and make it up to her and they think NC is a pile of crap

 

more of my story is here click here

 

get so much conflicting info i am confused what to do, i know it is a grey area, all i can do is think i may as well try and patch things up

[alphamale]

Originally posted by BrainRightHeartWrong

but a lot of my girlfriends reckon i should really try and make it up to her and they think NC is a pile of crap

 

get so much conflicting info i am confused what to do, i know it is a grey area, all i can do is think i may as well try and patch things up

 

 

dude, if you are gonna take advice from women on this you will be misguided. why don't you ask some men what worked for them?

 

women will give you idealitic krap that they think will work, but in the real world it almost never does. women are too emotional and illogical to give u advice on this situation.

[iceisles]

Originally posted by alphamale

women will give you idealitic krap that they think will work, but in the real world it almost never does. women are too emotional and illogical to give u advice on this situation.

 

Are you looking to be taken into a dark alley and beaten?

[helena abadi]

women are too emotional and too illogical??

 

i'm waiting in the dark alley, armed and dangerous...

[lost_in_chgo]

I would remove the part about "It's OK to send gifts to the gf who just dumped you." Maybe it works for some...but to me it is a major turnoff. Lots of men have this reflex, and granted, many women respond. Just not the classy ones.

 

Well there is that, but sometimes there are just breakups that need a little TLC to demonstrate that there are feelings there. Flowers once or twice never hurt anyone.

[KaiaMahina]

Alpha (whose strong-minded individualism I admire) believes that women are too emotional and illogical, but as I recall, the person who called me six months ago to dump me, screaming hysterically and accusing me of fantastical behaviors, and finally, after yelling, "I'll never stop loving you! Goodbye!" and hung up on me... kept a razor in its bathroom for scraping hair off its face, understood how gasoline engines worked and had a penis attached to its body.

 

Coulda swore it was a man. But maybe I was engaged to a junior-high-school girl the whole time and didn't know it.

[GreenCap]

The longer I am on LS, the more it appears that the the posters who stir up discussion points, like AlphaMale, tend to stir up the emotions of the ladies....rather than being viewed as overbearing, he ladies seem to like this sort of devil may care attitude.....AlphaMale, I guess experience does count alot...no more being diplomatic be a self-righteous dude and the ladies will come a flocking. Coollllll, have to practice this attitude at the gym today

[lost_in_chgo]

Coulda swore it was a man. But maybe I was engaged to a junior-high-school girl the whole time and didn't know it.

 

Yeah, those transvestites are sneaky.

[BrainRightHeartWrong]

well to quote lost_in_chgo...

 

Well there is that, but sometimes there are just breakups that need a little TLC to demonstrate that there are feelings there. Flowers once or twice never hurt anyone.

 

last night i listened to my friends advice... do you really want this woman? do you want her for ever? yes? then...

 

go to her house and tell her this face to face... no games... no**** just from your heart what you think of her... have no pride and make a fool of yourself if necessary, if you really care you won't care anyhow!

 

 

 

so.............

 

had a horrible day of worry and anxiety ( after a week of hell! ) but i knew i was going to go for it, i was vomiting etc. i was that bad

 

borrowed a car, bought the presents i should have originally got her for christmas ( instead of an insult! ) , drove to her house nearly passing out with nerves ( but i was on a mission ), rang the front door bell, she came out of her parents and she nearly died of faint that it was me with flowers and he presents...

 

we had a long discussion ( very very emotional ) and i discovered that both of us had been devastated for the past 2 weeks ( no sleep, no food etc. ) , we kissed and hugged, told each other our feelings and are to meet tomorrow again in my house...

 

it seems to be on again!

 

ps. in my circumstances NO CONTACT ( e.g. ebooks like get your ex back! ) was a complete loser! it has its place as previously described but never universially apply it across the board,

 

saying this our NC with each other allowed us to sort our true feelings out, realise that angry thoughts were wrong and i am so glad a good friends mother once told me "if you don't have anything good to say... say nothing", this saved me from saying a lot of irrational stuff which wasn't true and really could have broken the bridge between us totally!

 

[helena abadi]

you said it yourself. NC gave you both time to let things calm down and give you both breathing space to sort yourselves out. various versions of NC do work. always work. good luck!

[DinNJ]

so as a (dumpee)... is it possible to break NC, expressing your thoughts about a particular situation WITHOUT coming across with needy emotions??? Or will the (dumper) receiving the contact from (dumpee) whether phone/email/facetoface automatically and always assume the contact is a desperate attempt to reconcile... therefore, the push and pull factor is now initiated once again.... does that make any sense???

[LucreziaBorgia]

Originally posted by DinNJ

will the (dumper) receiving the contact from (dumpee) whether phone/email/facetoface automatically and always assume the contact is a desperate attempt to reconcile

 

It totally depends on the person's amount of emotional involvement. If the person who did the dumping sincerely wanted out, had little or no emotional involvement and wanted nothing more to do with the relationship, then yes - contacting them will be viewed with suspicion: as they want to make sure they are doing nothing to give you the impression that they want to be with you again. Their biggest fear is that you will try to beg/guilt/obligate them into coming back into a situation where they don't want to be. So, they will probably come off as cold, distant, and short.

[DinNJ]

It totally depends on the person's amount of emotional involvement.

 

what if it involved deep, deeeep emotional involvement and attachment??

 

in my experiences, I've always followed my 'gut' ... as a dumpee, if I was unexpectedly 'dumped' without answers.... I've gotten no responses by 'pushing' the few days, weeks after.... finally after giving up... with NC, it's when you least expect it, the phone rings or the email comes.

 

Now when the relationship was doomed from the start, or falling apart slowly and gradually over time... then NC works simply for healing purposes. But that's just from the few experiences I've had...

[lost_in_chgo]

in my experiences, I've always followed my 'gut' ... as a dumpee, if I was unexpectedly 'dumped' without answers.... I've gotten no responses by 'pushing' the few days, weeks after.... finally after giving up... with NC, it's when you least expect it, the phone rings or the email comes.

 

Here's a question for you...

Do you think you would have ever gotten a response if you'd just turned and walked away going immediately to no contact and never pursuing at all? Or maybe a faster response?

 

I think you have to pursue a bit if you are interested, otherwise you validate whatever scenario is going thru their mind at the time and they convince themself that they were right about you.

[Curt]

The gift idea as you stated:

 

"Sending gifts very early on to try to win over your ex is ok (if your ex is female, for men probably not), but if they tell you to stop, STOP"

This, I would imagine, would be a manipulation if it was done by either sex. It's almost pandering in a "please take me back ... this stuff represents I am worthwhile," fashion, at least in my mind.

 

Other than that, I find the thoughts you've presented here to be quite detailed, thought out, and compelling.

 

Interesting to say the least.

 

Curt

[lost_in_chgo]

This, I would imagine, would be a manipulation if it was done by either sex. It's almost pandering in a "please take me back ... this stuff represents I am worthwhile," fashion, at least in my mind.

 

I understand your point, but really, I think sending flowers isn't pandering. Maybe I'm wrong, but I think it is important if you want someone back to make some sort of statement/gesture/appeal. Walking away just doesn't seem to be the right tack.