The Lost Guide to No Contact V4

[ReluctantRomeo]

Originally posted by lost_in_chgo

Status Quo

 

Sorry to hear this, Lost. You not getting any indications of change at all?

[lost_in_chgo]

My previous ex from 4 yrs ago is in pretty regular contact now. She has broken up with her love interest and is heart broken. Nothing going there, but we talk via email. Similar situation to mine, kids involved, bonded with the kids, loss of the relationship is like losing a whole family.

 

Meanwhile back at the ranch, the quest for a new woman is failing miserably. The pickings are slim, and the replies are slimmer. One girl (probably too young but I won't complain if she wont) chatted with me online for a few days over a couple weeks and we were clicking pretty well when poof she disappeared on me. I could stalk her, but have, again, like a good little boy, decided not to.

 

Another took me to the date request and then couldn't find time and then disappeared (a fake maybe?)

 

My ex is trolling the personals again. Guess the live-in BF didn't accomplish anything but teaching her daughters the meaning of "shacking up". Too bad for them, but maybe they'll view her as a bad role model. Hopefully that wont go on forever. But it looks like she's still in the desperately seeking phase. She wanted him to buy a house with her. He wouldn't commit, but saw the light at the end of the tunnel. No doubt the spectre of responsibility shook his freeloader psyche. Not sure if they are splits, but she's wandering again.

 

Sent her a basic ecard for her b-day, got a thank you and then more incessant griping about her job. Though things are improving there, so that's good.

 

Silly me, I thought she might come to her senses.

Toying with the idea of sending her a heartfelt, but then I say, "read the damn guide" to myself and I stop.

 

This weekend will be two years.

No contact has not worked.

I'm considering calling the book "No Thoughts" instead.

[sanne]

No contact has not worked for you because you still have *some* contact with her. Therefore, you are allowing her to always be in the back of your mind. I'd suggest cutting her off completely and seeing how that goes.

 

Also, has it been two years since your breakup? If so, then maybe your problems lie deeper than you think if you aren't over her by now.

[lost_in_chgo]

No contact has not worked for you because you still have *some* contact with her. Therefore, you are allowing her to always be in the back of your mind. I'd suggest cutting her off completely and seeing how that goes.

Yeah maybe you're right. 6 months without any contact whatsoever just isn't enuf. I'd better go 5 or 6 years and see how that works.

 

Also, has it been two years since your breakup? If so, then maybe your problems lie deeper than you think if you aren't over her by now.

Gee, ya think?

[ReluctantRomeo]

Silly me, I thought she might come to her senses.

Toying with the idea of sending her a heartfelt, but then I say, "read the damn guide" to myself and I stop.

 

This weekend will be two years.

No contact has not worked.

I'm considering calling the book "No Thoughts" instead.

 

I'm really sorry to hear this, Lost. Your situation really sucks. On the one hand, it's natural for you still to have feelings for her, on the other hand it must be so frustrating.

 

I think the advice in your guide is good though - it really helped me. And since she closed the door, it has to be her that opens it again. Be strong.

 

Forgive me, I've forgotten - are you doing therapy at all? If not, would you consider it?

 

 

The pickings are slim, and the replies are slimmer.

 

For her too apparently - don't forget, the march of time is often worse for women.

[sanne]

i'm sure you started doing NC for all the wrong reasons. you were probably expecting her to come back to you, which never happened. i2 years is a damn long time to still be pining over an ex. best of luck man.

[AmberAriesMom]

I ask for the 4th time why are people so obsessed with No Contact on this forum?

 

If you are an emotionally strong person then NC is a no-brainer.

 

Being an alpha female myself, I have to agree with the above.

 

I don't get the confusion over NC. I don't see it as part of a relationship which it seems some do like it's a time to see if you can or can't live without someone who's been in your life for a while. If that's how a person goes into this NC mode thinking they can still get back together later on, then the whole point of NC is moot! You will be constantly thinking only about good times and how much you miss so and so and end up talking yourself into going back no matter what was wrong with the relationship in the first place. There won't be those bad times that would be there if you were still IC...(in contact) on a regular and physical basis from which you might actually be able to make up your mind if this person is right for you or not.

 

Seems to me if one person wants a break from the other, that other person should be saying to themselves, "Oh, so you don't KNOW if you like/love me? You don't know if you need me in your life? You don't know if you enjoy the time we spend together? You aren't sure there isn't some other person out there you'd like better than me? Fine then. Bye." and just move on. The only type person who would come back after someone called a Break is someone who would eat shytt the rest of their life in order to prove to the other party they are worth it.

 

NC means Go Away! And more than that, it means stop thinking about the person so you don't get all naustalgic over the past. It's easy to do. If your mind wanders there, go oops, naughty naughty...and think about something else.

 

NC is a breeding ground for making mistakes, a sort of limbo zone. Useless!

[JS17]

I don't get the confusion over NC.

NC means Go Away! And more than that, it means stop thinking about the person so you don't get all naustalgic over the past. It's easy to do. If your mind wanders there, go oops, naughty naughty...and think about something else.

 

NC is a breeding ground for making mistakes, a sort of limbo zone. Useless!

 

Some people on this forum are young and not experienced enough to know this which is one of the reasons you see it on here so often. Some people have a harder time letting go, their attachments are stronger, and possibly they don't have the kind of will power that you do. They come here for support because posting here and hearing back "Don't Do It!" helps them to stop themselves from calling their ex. Not everyone has difficulty with NC just because they want to get back together with their ex.

[ReluctantRomeo]

They come here for support because posting here and hearing back "Don't Do It!" helps them to stop themselves from calling their ex.

 

Exactly right, JS17. If we all always knew what to do - and were strong enough to do it unaided - there would be no need for Loveshack. This site exists precisely because human beings are fallible.

 

Those who deny fallibility are not in-fallible... just in-denial

[NightsEcho]

Hey Lost, I feel ya. To love and lose is one of the hardest things you ever have to go through. I still think of my ex (due to the contact she still has) but I want you to honestly realize something.

 

A couple weeks ago, I almost died in a car accident. I hit a deer at 130 kph. Now I walked away from a crash I should have been killed in. Once the shock started wearing off, I realized that if I had died on that highway, I would have spent the last 5 1/2 months thinking of a girl who doesent even want me. That thought scared me more then anything.

 

People life is a fragile and beautiful gift. Our lives will have ups and downs....they are what define us as a person. Realize also that life can be taken at any time. While a break-up sucks, its not the end of the world. Get out there and do things you have never done. This person does not deserve to be thought about everyday.

 

"Dream as if you will live forever, Live like you will die today"

 

NE

[lost_in_chgo]

OK, I appreciate all the thoughts on this.

 

As far as therapy, I don't need to pay someone to tell me I'm screwed up and to move on etc. My problem is I'm not social, I dont drink, I'm not good at first contacts and I need to get to know people before I get involved. I have made many attempts online but nothing has panned out. Some people are just not social animals. Telling them to be social doesn't work.

 

I get contacted on occassion, and the ones that aren't in Russia or Nigeria (that is, who don't really exist) tend to be way outside my desired requirements.

 

Basically I'm miserable. Which doesn't help. Telling me not to be me, or to take drugs to correct my problem is not a solution. Going to classes, or clubs or things like that are very time intensive, and the reality is in the first ten minutes you can tell if there's anyone there you are interested in.

 

So my feeling is that I don't need to not be me, I need to find a place where being me works. So far I haven't.

[lost_in_chgo]

Here's another curveball.

Got an email from the ex yesterday. "hi guess what's going on at work" thing.

 

Seriously, every time she is having relationship problems she emails me and doesn't talk about it. What's the deal?

 

I don't think this is a conscious keep him on a hook thing. I think she's thinking about me, just maybe not in the way I would like.

 

Should I keep the communication going? Or just not respond?

Regardless of whether I do or not, my feelings stay the same and until I find someone else that's just the way it is going to be.

[sanne]

why are you even bothering to post if you've already made up your mind to resign and accept defeat. nobody is making you unsociable and unable to meet new people but yourself. seriously think what kind of woman would be attracted to someone like that. i'm not trying to be mean, but you really need to stop being so pessimistic about yourself and just say fsck it and start living life man.

[NightsEcho]

I agree. You can't help those who don't wanna be helped. In my opinion, it is very easy to say "I'm not social" and that's just fine. However, you can't then complain about missing social aspects of your ex....be it just hanging out or cuddeling or talking.

 

Listen bud, at times we feel like we are at the bottom....two years is a long time. What if tommorow everything you knew came crashing down? Or what if you suddenley won the lottery? The point here is that life can change in an instant. You seem like a smart person, who is comfortable in your rut.

 

If you don't wanna be social fine, but then don't expect to meet anyone. Being social does not mean going to bars, and drugs. Take a class, play an instrument, play a sport, buy a pet.

 

NE

[lost_in_chgo]

Well that's a common reaction from people that are inherently social. The problem with people that are not is that it is not a choice. It's a part of our makeup. It's also a learned skill set that I never learned. It's also very tied into subtle cues and signals that I just completely miss, or have no idea what to do with when I do perceive them.

 

I'm not pessimistic, I'm at my wits end about how to resolve this. The only relationships I've ever had have been with women that I've know for awhile before dating. Nothing else has ever worked. That's my reality. So I'm trying to fix it in that context.

 

I've tried, and am still trying, but the reality is that I am not a social person. Forcing it doesn't make it happen.

 

To put it in some perspective, it's as if I sat you down and said assemble a nuclear reactor for me. Your future is riding on it. If you take too long, you wont be able to use it. You either have the skills to do it or you dont, and if you don't it's going to take a long time to acquire them. If you find that analogy ridiculous, then you still do not understand what I am saying. It REALLY IS like that.

 

I've been told to go to bars, and that bars are a bad idea, always by the same people. Take a class, join a club, classes are a waste of time, clubs are a waste of time. etc.etc.etc.

 

So again, the question is not why don't I just throw the social switch or take a SAD drug, the question is, what sort of activities suit me that also allow me to interact with others. My normal activities are solitary, or involve going to lunch and/or dinner with coworkers. That hasn't worked out.

 

I'm also up against the age thing. Being over 40, balding doesn't help. Plus I prefer to date someone that is capable of having children and I've usually dated a bit younger.

 

Lets look at the suggestions:

Take a class - again as I mentioned earlier very time consuming. Little chance for success. I'm not 20 yrs old. Yes I've tried it many times in the past with zero luck.

Play an instrument - sorry, not musically inclined.

Play a sport - not much into that, but joining a mens league isn't going to help me much. And I don't make friends easily either.

Buy a pet - pets are a crutch to substitute for people. I don't interact with my pets that way. Though I admit that a dog can be used as a socializing tool, I don't much like the idea of living with a dog. Cats are OK, but you can't walk em in the park.

 

Now, before you attack me for being negative, the whole point of this conversation is to try to find something that works for me, not to force me to be like you. People that are social by nature seldom understand this.

 

I'm not quite sure where the resign and accept defeat idea came from. If I had done that, I wouldn't be posting here, I'd be stepping in front of a train somewhere.

[NightsEcho]

Ok, you seem like you have a fairly good position on who you are. You know that all these classes, hobbies, meeting people, pets....they are all a dead end. So we know that. We also know that at your age, and balding, it is hard to meet women.

 

As one of the "social" people here let me be upfront, but in no way disrespectful. I'm sorry but at this point in time, you are not ready for a relationship with someone. You seem to be overly critical of yourself, and while it may not be something you have chosen, it is something you accept. You say this is all part of your make-up and who you are. You don't make friends easy.

 

I speak of these people because my friend's father was one. He was very shy, and not very outgoing at all. Content to stay at home, and ponder how he is lonely, without ever challenging it. Listen, you need to do SOMETHING you like. There must be something in this world that has interested you. Maybe a place you have wanted to go? If not, then maybe just start to try new things. Go for a walk after work, instead of the TV or computer. Don't buy a dog.....maybe just some fish (they help lower blood pressure...relaxing)

Look friend what I want to say here...is you have something to offer, you have air in your lungs and a roof on your head.

 

Try and explain your problems to the suffering people in New Orleans. All I wanna say is you seem like a good person, I think that you are a deep person, and if I met you at a sports league...maybe we could be friends.

 

Last but not least...would you date yourself if you were a women?

 

NE

[lost_in_chgo]

I understand why you consider me to be overly critic of myself. But it is my nature to be self critical, yet without the self pity I think you are associating with it. That is to say I'm harder on myself than I am on other people.

 

Do something you like...

Hmmm, I like to ride my bike on the local trails. I go out during the day when few people are there. It isn't exactly a social event.

I've tried walking the local malls, to expose myself to people. LOL, well not expose myself.... to get some social interaction.

Libraries, personals, etc.

 

I like frequenting the same restaurants, that sorta worked for me at one time, you can get to know the wait staff that way, but then waitresses are professional liars when a tip is at stake. Funny you can observe a waitress turning on and off the charm at the other tables once the bill is paid,, or even as she walks away. It's amusing to watch. Anyway, I don't have much opportunity to do this anymore as my friends are all married and we don't work together anymore. So maybe once a week we go out and they like to vary the location.

 

Familiarity is a big thing.

[lost_in_chgo]

So we drifted off topic of my curveball question... back in post ..whatever it was

 

Here's another curveball.

Got an email from the ex yesterday. "hi guess what's going on at work" thing.

 

Seriously, every time she is having relationship problems she emails me and doesn't talk about it. What's the deal?

 

I don't think this is a conscious keep him on a hook thing. I think she's thinking about me, just maybe not in the way I would like.

 

Should I keep the communication going? Or just not respond?

Regardless of whether I do or not, my feelings stay the same and until I find someone else that's just the way it is going to be.

 

Since then, we've traded a few emails about her work today. I don't expect to hear anything from her until next week now that work is over....

[lost_in_chgo]

After the weekend of wondering, and seeing some new pictures of her online that just made my heart flip, I decided to send an email off to my ex:

 

 

Listen, I've been thinking about this, and I'd prefer that you don't contact me anymore if you are not interested in dating again. It's just too difficult for me to deal with. I've thought about you every single day for two years, and your emails just make it worse.

 

I can't *just* be the guy you email during work hours on boring days when there's no one else around who will listen. You can get that kind of thing from a message board somewhere. I'd love to listen, but it can't be *just* that. I'm sorry, but I have to either have you around 24/7 or not at all.

 

If you're emailing me because you think that I might be called by your work and you want to smooth things over, don't worry. I'd never come to work there with things like this.

 

I'm not trying to force you to do anything here, you know how to reach me, I still love you, if you change your mind, or just want to talk about it, contact me, otherwise please don't email me anymore. You don't have to reply to this.

[ReluctantRomeo]

Have you sent this email yet? Received any reply?

[lost_in_chgo]

I sent it to her work yesterday and no reply.

I have no way of knowing if she has actually read it, but I assume she has seen it by now.

[Art_Critic]

I sent it to her work yesterday and no reply.

I have no way of knowing if she has actually read it, but I assume she has seen it by now.

 

That's the problem with sending emails ...You told her that she doesn't have to send a reply.

you also told her to not email you anymore if she wasn't going to be around you 24/7

 

don't expect a reply and if you hear nothing you have your answer

[lost_in_chgo]

That's the problem with sending emails ...You told her that she doesn't have to send a reply.

you also told her to not email you anymore if she wasn't going to be around you 24/7

 

don't expect a reply and if you hear nothing you have your answer

 

Uh huh, not expecting a reply.

My comment was a reply to the previous poster.

And I never asked her a question to answer.

I just told her not to email me anymore and why.

[lost_in_chgo]

Cats are OK, but you can't walk em in the park.

 

Just to clarify here, you can walk a cat in the park, but it's more like dragging the cat I tried it once and it doesn't really attract women to you in the way you'd like. But you do get to see a bit of their true nature

[Curt]

I would have spent the last 5 1/2 months thinking of a girl who doesent even want me.

 

{SNIP}

 

This person does not deserve to be thought about everyday.

 

"Dream as if you will live forever, Live like you will die today"

 

 

Without a doubt, these ideas are critical to the process of moving on.

 

A triple-A post, NE.