I got the dreaded ILYBINILWY....

[CrushedCJE]

What a horrible Christmas. I'm 36, wife is 32. My wife and I have been married for almost 13 years, together for 17. We have a 7yo daughter together. I apologize in advance, this may be a little disjointed and rambling.

 

We are on the brink. During an argument early last week my wife told me she was done. I have been so inattentive and selfish over the course of our marriage that she can't do it anymore. She told me that she loves me and our family very much, but she can't take the constant rejection anymore, it hurts too much. She says she wants some time to figure out how she can be happy, and I need to do the same. I went from being angry with her to heartbroken and ashamed of myself in a flash. We kept talking and over the course of the conversation it seems that although she just asked for time, she's already made a decision.

 

I'm no longer attractive to her - I had asked if there was anything appealing about me to her, I got that I was a good friend and a good dad.

 

She doesn't think there's anything worth saving - I asked if MC would be an option for her, she said she didn't think so.

 

In all honesty, I should have seen this coming. A few years ago I caught her doing some suggestive texting with a guy. I was angry, and became very suspicious and mistrusting of her, still to this day. We hashed things out, I wanted to find out why she did this. Her complaints were that I wasn't giving her any attention, she had to beg for sex, I didn't help around the house, kept poor office hours so I was gone far too often. We worked things out and things got better for a while. Then things really ramped up. Her sister was getting married and my wife was determined to lose some weight. She went out walking almost every night, and as the weight fell off started going out later with friends. During the first few weeks she would ask if I would walk with her, but I would just stay home and watch our daughter (this action I regret the most). We were having a fantastic sex life and I was doing more around the house, but probably not as much as I should have. Then I got a big bombshell as the company I worked for was moving out of state. We had a year to decide if we were going to move or if I would quit and look for work here. My wife did not want to consider going away, and I didn't really want to either. However, it would be much easier for her to find work than me, as she has a teaching degree and I only have a HS education. I worked my way up through this company from the ground floor. When the time neared, we decided to stay here and not leave our families. I lost the job and spent a year on unemployment as I looked for work. During this time I also did everything around the house except for cooking and finances. I could tell my wife was angry with me for being unemployed and staying home, and she later admitted she was resentful for making her take extra hours. When I did finally get another job, I slowly stopped doing the things around the house again. Everything fell back onto her. She continued to lose weight and continued to go out late at night. We were spending less and less time together as a couple, but still had a lot of family time taking trips and doing things with our daughter. Then the sex slowly went away. It became less frequent, and neither one of us pursued it. When we did have sex, I was almost always the initiator and I could start sensing she wasn't as into it anymore.

 

Finally, "The Argument" happened on Dec 14. She had gotten a new Android tablet and since I'm the tech guy, I wanted to fiddle with it. We're hanging out in our bed talking and I'm going over some of the Android features with her (she's an iPhone girl). I noticed she had SnapChat installed and told her I found it pretty shady, but didn't get any further into it. I pulled up Google Now and started to show her how it all worked. I spoke to it and asked for upcoming appointments. Nothing big here but as I scrolled through there was a hotel room reservation. It was a hotel about an hour south of us, for 2 people, with a jacuzzi bath. I asked her what this was all about, she said she didn't know what it was. A few minutes later, it changed to "she was just playing around with some hotels", and then later changed again to "sometimes she splits a room with the girls" (this is true, she has done this before and with my support). During the confrontation, I watched her as she talked. Her heartrate increased significantly, she tried to grab the tablet from me, and was even shaking (possibly from fear). She was acting like she was "busted". Here's where I made more mistakes. I then demanded she unlock her phone and let me look at it. She refused and said I had no right. I yelled at her, told her how disrespectful this was to me, and stormed out of the room. For the next few days, I gave her the silent treatment. She texted me the next day while I was at work asking me not to be mad, she cancelled the reservation. When I got home I asked to see the cancellation notice, and we still weren't really talking. It took her almost 2 days to get me the notice, and that night I asked her if she understood why I was so angry. She said it was because I felt like she was going behind my back. I agreed and told her she was being far to secretive with her life outside the house, and that I felt like she was excluding me from her life. Eventually I said that we can't fix us if she doesn't let me in. She then told me she doesn't know if she does want to fix us. I told her I do want to fix our marriage and I can change. She said it may be too little, too late. And my world came crumbling down. There was another hour of conversation where we discussed how I've not been there for her and left her to do all the work in the marriage. It was sobering and embarrassing to see my part in this laid out, and to see that I didn't do what I should have.

 

That brings us to now. She told me "Lets get through the holidays and see what happens". The next morning I had a brief talk with her about giving her space and setting up boundaries. I asked her directly if she didn't want me touching her or kissing her, and she reached out for my hand and pulled me in for a kiss, saying she doesn't think she wants that. So I've been somewhat distant, but still making sure to be friendly and giving her a kiss when we say goodbye in the morning. I spent a good amount of time on the phone with a counsellor through my company's EAP, and have set up counselling for me with a local therapist, my first appointment is on Thursday. When I told her about it, she teared up and said it was a good thing. I went out the other night with a long time friend and poured out the whole mess to him. He said he and his wife saw this coming based on her Facebook/Instagram posts. Why didn't I see it?

 

So now I'm in limbo. It seems to me that she wants out, and isn't ready to hear any talk of reconciliation. Why would she? I was careless with her heart, always assuming that just because she loved me I wouldn't have to work for it. Now she's looking for something better. I am devastated. The uncertainty of our future is killing me. I already didn't sleep well when she was out, now i just don't sleep well at all. I can hardly eat anymore. I'm fairly isolated at work, so its just me alone with my thoughts all day and I'm driving myself nuts.

 

I'm hoping the IC gives me some insight as to why I'm such a selfish jerk and how I can change. I want to show her that I'm doing the work necessary to change and be better for her and our daughter. I'm meeting with a personal trainer friend of ours today to begin changing my physique and joining a gym. Last night, I went on a walk, exercising for the first time in almost a decade. I have been doing more around the house, and plan to for as long as I'm there.

 

I've read through this site and others, and am finding the 180 concept and the GAL thing extremely difficult. When I lost my job, I also lost a bulk of my circle of friends. In my new job, I'm friendly with everyone but they're almost all in their late 50s and 60s. Not a whole lot of connection there. I know I need to go out and find new friends, but I was never the going out type, fairly introverted. All my instincts and emotions are directing me to pour everything I have into my wife, but I can't because I know it'll just chase her away faster. This is KILLING me. And we haven't even gotten to Christmas yet. That'll be great, spending the evening at my parents' house with all the family, and then Christmas morning over at the Sister in Law's, and then everyone back over here for dinner. I don't know if I'm going to be able to maintain my composure, I'm an emotional wreck. Then there's New Year's, I'm sure she'll have some party to go to. And our 13th anniversary is in mid January as well, what the hell do we do with that?

 

Summary - I neglected my wife for far too long and I'm paying for it. I want to change and repair the marriage, but she says it may be too late. I'm trying to work on the 180.

 

I'm just so unhappy right now, mostly that I let it get this far. I loved my wife from the beginning, and now I've destroyed her. Ugh, Merry Christmas.

[mkrainy]

I completely understand your broken heart. My ex husband and I was divorced on Oct, before that, I tried everything I could to get him back. NC, email, texts, fly over to see him, phone call...and of course nothing work. I did lots of self reflection and regret on single bit of my careless and selfish action in the marriage. However, it's all too little too late. Now i am back to not contact with him since beginning of Oct. I lost the love of my life.

 

I know your marriage is longer than mine. It will be even harder for you with the kid as well. However, If i could do it all over again, I would have let him go. Whatever I did in the separation process just chased him further away. All the love gesture I did for him were just being controlling and not respecting his decision. He was very mad at me and blamed me for many things. He was very cold and hated me to the core.

 

The damage from him was also too much that even he comes back today, I don't know how I could recover from it. If i could choose, I will keep silent since beginning. Nothing you do now can change her heart except her love to you. Only that she loves you enough and wants to work on the marriage can save the relationship. Other than that, nothing work and it all need to come from her.

 

Improve yourself and work on yourself. Time will heal all wound. Learn from you mistake and become better person. Even it's too little too late for her, but it's never too late for yourself.

 

I broke up with my ex on Xmas eve and I was very devastated. I couldn't eat my new year eve dinner without dropping any tear last year. It's very very hard but in the process, you will learn anything you did wrong in the relationship and you will know that no matter whether or not you guys reconcile, things will get better and it happens for a reason.

[CrushedCJE]

And an update. I went out for some groceries this morning, and found blank divorce papers in the back while loading the food. I didn't tell her I saw them. So much for waiting until after the holidays. At least now I know what her mindset is. I'm not looking forward to the upcoming week.

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

I actually understand your wife in this situation. All the talking in the world changes nothing. It's actions that count. And I have seen very little.

 

I am now backed into a position where divorce is my only option. I'm giving it 6 months, keeping a journal and assessing his actions, not his words.

 

Although, I'm in IC now to make sure my decision is right....oh, and I'm not cheating, but I'm pretty sure your wife is.

[oldshirt]

Push for the counseling. Depending on where you live the court will probably require counseling/mediation anyway even if she does file.

 

You also need to go in to detective mode and find out definitively if there is another man/men or not. There is a pretty good chance there is so you need to figure out if it turns out there is if you will even try to save the marriage or not.

 

This is a pretty serious situation and if she is the one reserving Jacuzze suites this affair may be quite developed (it's a good bet HE/THEY reserved and paid for the first several rooms) this is going to require professional counseling if you are to stay together.

[bubbaganoosh]

If it was me. I would have brought the divorce papers in, handed them to her and asked if that was what she wanted. At least blow up the surprise she has for you. Then all the chips would be on the table and you get it all out in the open so you know where you stand. Then ask her where you should sign them.

 

What's the sense of throwing good money after bad with a MC if she already got the divorce papers?

[keepontruckin]

Crushed, I'll give you the straight up dope...

 

First, stop blaming yourself. In time, things will become clearer for you.

 

Second, she is gone. There is nothing you can do. No book will help. The 180 will not help. Being nice will not help. Being mean will not help. Changing your ways will not help (we all are whom we are).

 

If you have assets, protect them. She is no longer your friend, as much as that is hard to understand. She despises you, and may only contact you if she needs something. If she does, don't give her anything.

 

She is now someone else's problem. She has made her choice in life, and it is now her business to live with those decisions.

 

You can file for divorce, or she can. It really doesn't matter. If you don't, she'll just eventually have you served. I got served at 7:00 AM on a Saturday morning.

 

It sucks, but this is how human nature works. Understand that vows are worthless. Look at the marriage failure rates... They will blow your mind.

 

I honestly now believe that the institution of marriage is not compatible with a modern society, and with human nature in general.

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

Must admit, my first thought was WHY do we have to get to D papers before they wake up.... The eleventy billion times we said something wasn't enough? Then they're all surprised when we bail.

 

Yeah, I might be projecting

[Trimmer]

Must admit, my first thought was WHY do we have to get to D papers before they wake up.... The eleventy billion times we said something wasn't enough? Then they're all surprised when we bail.

 

Yeah, I might be projecting

Ya think?

 

The fact that you used "we" to comment on the OP's situation made it pretty obvious. I don't think there's any "might" about it.

[familygone]

Must admit, my first thought was WHY do we have to get to D papers before they wake up.... The eleventy billion times we said something wasn't enough? Then they're all surprised when we bail.

 

Yeah, I might be projecting

 

Not always true !I DID MY FAIR SHARE AND I TOOK CARE OF MY DAUGHTER ,washing her clothes.FIXIING THINGS TO CLEANING BATHROOMS,VAC FLOORS,MOWING ,SHOVELING,AND ETC.and she got pretty much everything she wanted.And still she wanted the divorce.And blamed me for her cheating.I didnt a abuse her in any way.

[fmrmarine]

Brother, she is cheating on you. All the signs are there. You found a hotel reservation for Pete's sake! And she was super protective of her phone. She's just stringing you along until probably waiting on the other man's next move so she can swing to that new branch. I know what you are going through and it sucks but it is what it is.

[familygone]

CrushedCJE:I started to read your message and it was a close copy of mine.MARRIED the same amount of years,a daughter the same age and same thing happened to me about.I tried to fix everything at first too.She cheated on me and our daughter is the way i look at it.And as time passes why i should i fix those things when its not going to make a difference.I caught her lying to me and blaming me for cheating.And she thinks she going to find the grass is greener whatever.

Sorry to say but once they meet someone else i think you cant trust them anymore.

[Mercy88]

Crushed....I will give you a little perspective that may come across as confusing but I'll do my best. I have a husband who is almost identical to you in our marriage, but worse to a degree.

I was in the same situation as your wife, and admittedly (and I know there is no excuse for it) ended up cheating after begging him for years to change.

I confessed the next day and told him that I had cheated. He was hurt and wanted to work on things. He threw SO much effort into trying to change. Everything I had been begging him to do, he did. All of the responsibilities he had been ignoring or neglecting, he was suddenly tending to them. He tried for months. And while I loved him and still do, I was too chicken to divorce him and despite all of his efforts to "change," it made no difference to me. It honestly was too little too late.

I realized that my resentment towards him had changed ME. I had become no better than him.

We have been separated for 8 months and are headed for divorce. I commend you for your efforts to change. Had my husband done it sooner, and put as much effort into it as you, I would have been through the roof happy. And while it is sad that these situations have to come to such a dramatic head before one party really takes notice, you were correct in saying that changing needed to also be done for yourself and your daughter so that you did not treat future relationships the same way.

You're in a power struggle with your wife right now. She knows she has the upper hand. I've played this power struggle game with my husband for close to a year. Whoever "cares" the least, has the power. Don't let this crush you. I chose to walk away from a man who I truly loved because we had become toxic to one another.

I honestly wish you the best in your venture and if you want your marriage to work then I hope that is what you get. Everyone deserves happiness. Do yourself a favor and Google "Trent Shelton" and visit his website. He is a motivational speaker on heart break and life challenges. He has helped me more than I can ever express.

[beach]

She's cheating.

 

File the divorce papers. Move any money into your name and change the locks.

 

Then see how she wants to party and see her other man.

[CrushedCJE]

Do yourself a favor and Google "Trent Shelton" and visit his website. He is a motivational speaker on heart break and life challenges. He has helped me more than I can ever express.

 

I'm truly sorry about your situation. You're right, it's almost a mirror image. It also tells me that while there may be hope, not to hold my breath. Maybe that makes it suck a little worse, I'm not sure yet. Are you referring to the former NFL player?

 

 

To everyone else, is she cheating? Maybe. But right now I think tangible confirmation of that will absolutely wreck me. My first appointment for IC is Thursday and I'm sure it will come up, we shall see how it goes. In the meantime I'm trying to be upbeat since we all still live together and we haven't hit Christmas yet. I've started my workout program over the last few days and despite being fairly sore I do feel a little better. I'm still having trouble sleeping much or eating normally. Just small meals here and there. Just trying to move one day to the next, and I really do thank all of you for your support and advice.

[Steadfast]

To everyone else, is she cheating? Maybe. But right now I think tangible confirmation of that will absolutely wreck me.

 

That's understandable. But even if she is, it is a result of her mindset. It's never the other person who destroys a marriage, it's the cheating partner who takes up with them. No action is ever taken until a decision is made.

 

As mentioned above, massive guilt and self-blame are all part of the shock when a spouse ends or threatens to end the relationship. Because the blow is so severe and upsetting, the mind frantically begins to seek the cause of the pain in an effort to make it stop. And while there's no doubt you could have been more loving or attentive, her extremely questionable behavior uses your faults and shortcomings as justification. This is the classic definition of two wrongs not making a right. A bad situation made worse.

 

In my opinion, the best course of action for you is to face your fears. Honesty is the fastest and best course to bring yourself to a place where you can clearly see what is happening. Knowing the truth will allow you to make the right decision. Life is 5% what happens to us, and 95% of how we react to it. I'd suggest resolving to yourself a decision to remain in control (temper and emotions) no matter what is said or suggested by your wife, then sit her down and ask two critically important questions: 1) Are your feelings for me gone? and 2) Have you been unfaithful to me?

 

IMO, communication will improve is she trusts you won't go off. I cannot guarantee she will be honest nor can I predict her reaction. Fear is driving both of you and things will not improve until that fear is removed. If her response is yes, respect her decision and let her go. If she's willing to try, put your new found realization to the test by becoming the husband you should be. If she's unsure, it's either because her new man hasn't committed or she's reluctant to believe you're sincere.

 

Fact: when a woman says she's done, believe it. Most women do not use these words lightly. Sadly, they are usually not said unless another person has taken your place in her heart. Marriage needs two people who choose to be committed. Resist the temptation to convince or sway with guilt. If you love her and want to remain married, tell her. Then, let her decide.