Why would two married people ever end their affair?

[Popsicle]

Assuming their spouses never find out or care, and neither wants to divorce?

 

I have a friend in this situation who says she never plans to end her affair and I read posts here from people in this situation who've ended it and I wonder why they ended it?

[Popsicle]

And for the record I'm asking this because I'm trying to understand my friend better.

[Clay]

Nothing last forever. It will end it is all just a matter of time. How it ends depends on your friend.

 

Its really a gamble. Not everyone wins.

 

Clay

[threelaurels]

For the same reasons many other people end relationships. They might lose interest in their partner and/or find someone else. If one party starts wanting more time or commitment than the other wants to give, that might also end the relationship.

[findingnemo]

I wasn't M when I was in the A but there were times MM clearly wanted to end it. For him, it was 1) the guilt and 2) the need to take back control of his life.

 

xMM felt guilty about many things. According to the things he said, he seemed to feel constant guilt for cheating knowing his W would be heartbroken. Then he felt guilty about me and how I was failing to cope with being an AP. He could clearly see I wanted and needed more and I was struggling with accepting the fact that he had a W.

 

Then there was or seemed to be the issue of what I can only describe as loss of control on his part. He hated the fact that I had an excuse to be with other men given that he was M. He hated not knowing what was going on with me. Sometimes he would decide that he didn't want to know about my life and would become somewhat indifferent. It was a coping mechanism. Then there were times things would happen that would force us to share and suddenly the A which had been casual for a while was exposed to him as a much deeper R than he wanted...or much deeper than was prudent. Whenever this happened, he panicked. I can remember occasions when he wanted out of his M, when he wished he was never M in the first place. While these occasions made us realize how much we loved each other, they were immediately followed by him creating a distance between us.

 

So I can only imagine how it would have been like if I were M too. The roller coaster of emotions, the constant lying to a loved one who innocently keeps being there for you is a bit too much to handle. And all this drama knowing that the A will remain like that. It's not like a normal R which has the potential for progress. When you're in an A, even if one AP is single, as long as the MP isn't leaving his/her M, what progress can one expect? Almost none. Eventually the roller coaster of emotions becomes too much to bear.

[Popsicle]

I wasn't M when I was in the A but there were times MM clearly wanted to end it. For him, it was 1) the guilt and 2) the need to take back control of his life.

 

xMM felt guilty about many things. According to the things he said, he seemed to feel constant guilt for cheating knowing his W would be heartbroken. Then he felt guilty about me and how I was failing to cope with being an AP. He could clearly see I wanted and needed more and I was struggling with accepting the fact that he had a W.

 

Then there was or seemed to be the issue of what I can only describe as loss of control on his part. He hated the fact that I had an excuse to be with other men given that he was M. He hated not knowing what was going on with me. Sometimes he would decide that he didn't want to know about my life and would become somewhat indifferent. It was a coping mechanism. Then there were times things would happen that would force us to share and suddenly the A which had been casual for a while was exposed to him as a much deeper R than he wanted...or much deeper than was prudent. Whenever this happened, he panicked. I can remember occasions when he wanted out of his M, when he wished he was never M in the first place. While these occasions made us realize how much we loved each other, they were immediately followed by him creating a distance between us.

 

So I can only imagine how it would have been like if I were M too. The roller coaster of emotions, the constant lying to a loved one who innocently keeps being there for you is a bit too much to handle. And all this drama knowing that the A will remain like that. It's not like a normal R which has the potential for progress. When you're in an A, even if one AP is single, as long as the MP isn't leaving his/her M, what progress can one expect? Almost none. Eventually the roller coaster of emotions becomes too much to bear.

 

Since you were single, the pressure and guilt he felt from you to be with only you was probably more than if you were married and not wanting to divorce yourself. My friend describes it as a comfortable situation because she never wants to leave her husband. I then began to understand MM more . It made me wonder why any two married people would end their affair.

[findingnemo]

I get that two people being M can theoretically keep an A going forever. I personally don't know any who have. There are people who are simply ***** buddies, IMO. Those can keep the benefits going for a long time. How long has your friend been in the A? Is she not in love with the MM?

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I often think that had xmom and I continued the affair without our spouses ever finding out, the odds are it would have eventually ended on its own - most likely because it would have become too much trouble. In fact I think there are some stats out there that even support that.

 

But I also know of affairs that lasted 15-20 years before anyone found out. One in particular was close to 20 - the only reason he found out was she left her car somewhere while meeting the om and a friend of theirs saw it and became concerned and called her husband - that started the chain of events that led to confession. Then the surprise was the number of years it had gone on. They did end up divorcing. I don't know if she ended up with om or not.

 

Everyone is different.

[Popsicle]

I get that two people being M can theoretically keep an A going forever. I personally don't know any who have. There are people who are simply ***** buddies, IMO. Those can keep the benefits going for a long time. How long has your friend been in the A? Is she not in love with the MM?

 

They were friends for 3 years and then finally admitted their feelings for each other and it turned to a PA. It's been a few months now. She does love MM but she doesn't see him as marriage material. She is content with having him as a lover and best friend.

[SweetClover]

Since you were single, the pressure and guilt he felt from you to be with only you was probably more than if you were married and not wanting to divorce yourself. My friend describes it as a comfortable situation because she never wants to leave her husband. I then began to understand MM more . It made me wonder why any two married people would end their affair.

 

The problem often lies in conflicting emotions though when you start comparing your husband or he starts comparing his wife to you.. And some people can't handle the emotions. They feel guilty for lying or they distance from their partner, as they are falling in love with their affair partner.. even if they want to stay married. It can happen.

 

Sometimes we can't control how we feel.

Not everyone can love more than one person at a time.

[Popsicle]

The problem often lies in conflicting emotions though when you start comparing your husband or he starts comparing his wife to you.. And some people can't handle the emotions. They feel guilty for lying or they distance from their partner, as they are falling in love with their affair partner.. even if they want to stay married. It can happen.

 

Sometimes we can't control how we feel.

Not everyone can love more than one person at a time.

 

I see.

I think my friend can. She seems to be doing it.

 

IN the beginning she did compare MM to her husband and vice versa and it gave her a little conflict, but now she has settled into sort of compartmentalizing them. One is good for one thing and the other is good for a different thing.

[SweetClover]

I see.

I think my friend can. She seems to be doing it.

 

IN the beginning she did compare MM to her husband and vice versa and it gave her a little conflict, but now she has settled into sort of compartmentalizing them. One is good for one thing and the other is good for a different thing.

 

I'm a person who can do that so I understand. I think I would get tired of lying and it would be hard for me, my situation is a bit different because my husband knows so I don't have to lie to him about my relationship but I have to lie to a lot of friends and family and I have a hard time with that.

 

Especially in the beginning when the relationship is new and full of attention and validation it would be easier to handle too, over time things may change. She may experience 'a push/pull' thing.. And the roller coasted may start.

 

Doesn't happen in every situation but nobody's relationship is the same. Only a few months in, any relationship dynamic is going to be hard to judge.. And affairs have so many extra emotions wrapped up on them.. The secret and tht forbidden makes it all a little more intense.

[Popsicle]

Yes, the lying... I always wonder if she dislikes that part of it.

[Rollercoaster Rider]

Assuming their spouses never find out or care, and neither wants to divorce?

 

I have a friend in this situation who says she never plans to end her affair and I read posts here from people in this situation who've ended it and I wonder why they ended it?

Mine ended after 3 1/2 years for many reasons. At the beginning it was very intense, actually we were very intense for 2+ years. 15 months ago, his BS finally caught us. Totally devistated, changed everything obviously. I told him to focus on his marriage, and we should part ways. That wasn't an option for him, he said he could handle it with me still in his life. Things were the same for a while but, they started to change. Less calls, less seeing each other, it started to feel like I had become a chore. With all that goin on, I started to question what I was doing. I never had any intention of leaving my husband, or falling for someone else. But i did fall, and hard. And this MOM was destroying me daily. He was pulling away...and I was to, but he wouldn't end it. I finally had to...I was tired.

 

I think people end it because it becomes to hard to live 2 lives. You go in thinking you won't have feelings, but though do. And honestly nothing good comes from it so, why destroy what you have for something you can't have?

 

I learned my lesson..and am paying for it now. This is the worst feeling ever... makes you question everything about yourself and your life. The thrill you get when involved..isn't worth the pain you feel later. And at this point..your friend doesn't understand that. But..she will one day.

[Jllbcb]

I know that for me I would have continued with MW

For as long as I could. But she had tremendous guilt

And then we had a mini DDay. The rollercoaster

Literally ate me alive. I craved the highs and went into

The depths on the lows. We broke it off what seemed

Like a million times. I was literally addicted to her voice

As we were LD EA/PA. I was always having to

Ask to see her. Finally in January of this year she

Told me she wanted to travel to meet me And then over the weekend

Rethought it. And something just clicked in me. She is

Never leaving her husband. And she is stringing you along

We talked off and on for a couple more months. (Mostly off).

And then long periods of no contact. Right now

We have been mostly no contact save for one messed

Up week since April. And I miss her ever day

[MissBee]

Assuming their spouses never find out or care, and neither wants to divorce?

 

I have a friend in this situation who says she never plans to end her affair and I read posts here from people in this situation who've ended it and I wonder why they ended it?

 

I think As when the two people are married are often more "stable" in some ways than those where one is single and the other is married. I think these two married people understand each other's situation more and can stay in inertia forever, whereas in the single and married AP case it is imbalanced from the outset and more often than not these imbalances play out in frustration, more demands and ddays.

 

However, whether both are married or not, people still make mistakes and spouses still get suspicious so sometimes it ends because the A becomes a threat to their "real life" through some kind of carelessness or discovery OR they get a conscience and/or want to actually live an honest life and work on their relationship OR as relationships go maybe they no longer are interested in being with their AP.

[violet1]

They were friends for 3 years and then finally admitted their feelings for each other and it turned to a PA. It's been a few months now. She does love MM but she doesn't see him as marriage material. She is content with having him as a lover and best friend.

 

The affair is still pretty new. I was very content in my affair at 3 months. When the emotions came into play that's when it became difficult for me. She may not see him as marriage material, but if she continues the affair for a long period of time, her perception will change. I was on several cheating forums for wayward spouses. The classic case for most affairs in which both people are married is that it starts out as a fun FWB relationship. Then in time strong feelings develop and it becomes more difficult to compartmentalize. I've heard of stories of people who were both married in affairs for close to a decade. These people have to constantly keep to their emotions in check to continue the affair. These people always seemed so conflicted. There's a lot of maintenance in keeping an affair going long-term. I hope you'll post on this thread in 6 months. I'm curious about how her feelings will change in time.

[psm04]

Assuming their spouses never find out or care, and neither wants to divorce?

 

I have a friend in this situation who says she never plans to end her affair and I read posts here from people in this situation who've ended it and I wonder why they ended it?

 

I'm a MW who had an A with a MM. There are several reasons why I ended it. Here are some, in no particular order

 

- I don't have the ability to compartmentalize, and it was taking over everything. I fell in love hard. I started questioning my M and expecting more from my xAP

- Living in two worlds was exhausting. I felt like I lost myself

- I wanted to live a genuine and authentic life. Having an A and hiding it from the people closest to me was not the way to do that.

- I wasn't able to give my H my all while i was in the A

- The emotional rollercoaster/push and pull, and constantly doubting whether he was playing games, manipulating me, etc.

- Even though I am also married, I felt cheap and low many times during the A. He always seemed to act like I wasn't married. The more I was in the A, the more I could see that he needed me to complete and supplement his life, and I wasn't going to do that. I couldn't see someone I love go home to another woman every night, regardless of whether I'm married or not. I was NOT going to make him happier while being completely nonexistent from his life. I'm not that nice of a person. He is a conflict avoidant person who was never going to leave his wife unless she left him, and was going to continue the A as long as I let it happen.

 

People think that married APs have it easy. And in some ways, it's true. However, unless one is a sociopath and has the ability to completely compartmentalize their life and not ever feel guilty, the roller coaster ride still happens. After what I've experienced over the past couple of years, I'd rather be in a M that's not so exciting and face my issues head on than live a lie. Not fair to myself, my H or his W.

 

Sorry for the rambling! I haven't vented about this in a while. I'm still sensitive and angry.

[violet1]

I'm a MW who had an A with a MM. There are several reasons why I ended it. Here are some, in no particular order

 

- I don't have the ability to compartmentalize, and it was taking over everything. I fell in love hard. I started questioning my M and expecting more from my xAP

- Living in two worlds was exhausting. I felt like I lost myself

- I wanted to live a genuine and authentic life. Having an A and hiding it from the people closest to me was not the way to do that.

- I wasn't able to give my H my all while i was in the A

- The emotional rollercoaster/push and pull, and constantly doubting whether he was playing games, manipulating me, etc.

- Even though I am also married, I felt cheap and low many times during the A. He always seemed to act like I wasn't married. The more I was in the A, the more I could see that he needed me to complete and supplement his life, and I wasn't going to do that. I couldn't see someone I love go home to another woman every night, regardless of whether I'm married or not. I was NOT going to make him happier while being completely nonexistent from his life. I'm not that nice of a person. He is a conflict avoidant person who was never going to leave his wife unless she left him, and was going to continue the A as long as I let it happen.

 

People think that married APs have it easy. And in some ways, it's true. However, unless one is a sociopath and has the ability to completely compartmentalize their life and not ever feel guilty, the roller coaster ride still happens. After what I've experienced over the past couple of years, I'd rather be in a M that's not so exciting and face my issues head on than live a lie. Not fair to myself, my H or his W.

 

Sorry for the rambling! I haven't vented about this in a while. I'm still sensitive and angry.

This is wonderfully written and I can relate. I ended my affair for many of the same reasons. Living the double life is exhausting! It changes you in so many ways. One day you look in the mirror and you no longer recognize who you are anymore. I'm still pretty damaged after my affair. I question everything and I don't look at myself the same.

[Popsicle]

The affair is still pretty new. I was very content in my affair at 3 months. When the emotions came into play that's when it became difficult for me. She may not see him as marriage material, but if she continues the affair for a long period of time, her perception will change. I was on several cheating forums for wayward spouses. The classic case for most affairs in which both people are married is that it starts out as a fun FWB relationship. Then in time strong feelings develop and it becomes more difficult to compartmentalize. I've heard of stories of people who were both married in affairs for close to a decade. These people have to constantly keep to their emotions in check to continue the affair. These people always seemed so conflicted. There's a lot of maintenance in keeping an affair going long-term. I hope you'll post on this thread in 6 months. I'm curious about how her feelings will change in time.

 

If I can, I will update. We don't talk much about it, but I will. As friends, they already had strong feelings for each other for the last 3 years. They've talked daily for the last 3 years. She still thinks he's not good enough to marry. I almost see her getting bored of him eventually.

[Popsicle]

This is wonderfully written and I can relate. I ended my affair for many of the same reasons. Living the double life is exhausting! It changes you in so many ways. One day you look in the mirror and you no longer recognize who you are anymore. I'm still pretty damaged after my affair. I question everything and I don't look at myself the same.

 

In what ways do you think you are damaged? Why don't you look at yourself the same?

[artdet]

I ended it because I don't have what it takes to be in an affair, and IMHO I think most women are in the same boat. We do not take matters of the heart lightly. To have sex with a man at day and another at night, a woman needs to have a heart of steel.

Men wander and seed. Women attach and care. That is how we live on. Evolution determines everything.

[happy stillmore]

I'm a MW who had an A with a MM. There are several reasons why I ended it. Here are some, in no particular order

 

- I don't have the ability to compartmentalize, and it was taking over everything. I fell in love hard. I started questioning my M and expecting more from my xAP

- Living in two worlds was exhausting. I felt like I lost myself

- I wanted to live a genuine and authentic life. Having an A and hiding it from the people closest to me was not the way to do that.

- I wasn't able to give my H my all while i was in the A

- The emotional rollercoaster/push and pull, and constantly doubting whether he was playing games, manipulating me, etc.

- Even though I am also married, I felt cheap and low many times during the A. He always seemed to act like I wasn't married. The more I was in the A, the more I could see that he needed me to complete and supplement his life, and I wasn't going to do that. I couldn't see someone I love go home to another woman every night, regardless of whether I'm married or not. I was NOT going to make him happier while being completely nonexistent from his life. I'm not that nice of a person. He is a conflict avoidant person who was never going to leave his wife unless she left him, and was going to continue the A as long as I let it happen.

 

People think that married APs have it easy. And in some ways, it's true. However, unless one is a sociopath and has the ability to completely compartmentalize their life and not ever feel guilty, the roller coaster ride still happens. After what I've experienced over the past couple of years, I'd rather be in a M that's not so exciting and face my issues head on than live a lie. Not fair to myself, my H or his W.

 

Sorry for the rambling! I haven't vented about this in a while. I'm still sensitive and angry.

 

 

 

I couldn't have said it better myself. My MM was the same way! He was not capable of making big decisions and I knew it would have to be either me or his wife who would have the final say. His wife was stressed at the thought of losing him. I knew I would be the one to end it.

[Cocochai]

I'm a MW who had an A with a MM. There are several reasons why I ended it. Here are some, in no particular order

 

- I don't have the ability to compartmentalize, and it was taking over everything. I fell in love hard. I started questioning my M and expecting more from my xAP

- Living in two worlds was exhausting. I felt like I lost myself

- I wanted to live a genuine and authentic life. Having an A and hiding it from the people closest to me was not the way to do that.

- I wasn't able to give my H my all while i was in the A

- The emotional rollercoaster/push and pull, and constantly doubting whether he was playing games, manipulating me, etc.

- Even though I am also married, I felt cheap and low many times during the A. He always seemed to act like I wasn't married. The more I was in the A, the more I could see that he needed me to complete and supplement his life, and I wasn't going to do that. I couldn't see someone I love go home to another woman every night, regardless of whether I'm married or not. I was NOT going to make him happier while being completely nonexistent from his life. I'm not that nice of a person. He is a conflict avoidant person who was never going to leave his wife unless she left him, and was going to continue the A as long as I let it happen.

 

People think that married APs have it easy. And in some ways, it's true. However, unless one is a sociopath and has the ability to completely compartmentalize their life and not ever feel guilty, the roller coaster ride still happens. After what I've experienced over the past couple of years, I'd rather be in a M that's not so exciting and face my issues head on than live a lie. Not fair to myself, my H or his W.

 

Sorry for the rambling! I haven't vented about this in a while. I'm still sensitive and angry.

 

Not to sound sexiest but, it's way harder for Females to compartmentalize while in an affair. For me personally, I couldn't have an affair unless all of my emotions were over for my husband if I was married. Me personally I can't have sex with a MM and then have sex with the AP.

 

Which is why I'm somewhat "faithful" to my MM but not because I'm hoping and wishing for him and I to be together... (I try to look at things as it is what it is) but, if I was married while having an affair I would def consider divorce as an option because I wouldn't be able to handle the stress of an affair like you stated above if I was unhappy enough to step out.

 

Men (and I could be wrong), are way more better at separating the two. .

[psm04]

Not to sound sexiest but, it's way harder for Females to compartmentalize while in an affair. For me personally, I couldn't have an affair unless all of my emotions were over for my husband if I was married. Me personally I can't have sex with a MM and then have sex with the AP.

 

Which is why I'm somewhat "faithful" to my MM but not because I'm hoping and wishing for him and I to be together... (I try to look at things as it is what it is) but, if I was married while having an affair I would def consider divorce as an option because I wouldn't be able to handle the stress of an affair like you stated above if I was unhappy enough to step out.

 

Men (and I could be wrong), are way more better at separating the two. .

 

It is probably mostly accurate, although I know of exceptions in both cases. I know a woman who never felt guilt and compartmentalized everything. Idk how she did it. In my case, the more intense the A got, the less present I was at home. I'm almost positive that the opposite happened with my xAP. Whenever we were going strong and in a "good place", he would seem generally giddy. He would tell me about meals that he cooked for his family, etc. It used to bother me so much. Whenever we would go NC, he seemed miserable. Classic conflict avoiding person who needed me to escape from his issues, and as soon as I went away, he was pushed back into reality. I'm done with being his crutch.