Never been physically attracted to my H

[NuevaVida]

I am a terrible person. Before I met my H, I was dumped by a man I really loved. I felt so lonely, moved to a new city, and started to go back to school. My school ended up being a commuter school and it was difficult to build friendships in the beginning. I met a man who lived in my building who filled that void. He was reliable and took me out and paid for everything which was appreciated since I was on a severely limited income. We got along great as friends, but there was no physical chemistry. We fooled around and then I immediately dumped him because of the lack of desire. But we ended up hanging out again as friends. Over time, I ended up settling and gave him pity sex. It was totally unenjoyable, but I was so lonely and he filled my life in so many other ways. Even though the sex sucked on my end, he seemed to enjoy it which built my self esteem in a sick way. He's reliable and devoted, so I didn't have that knawing feeling that he would abandon me, and I could act like myself around him. Then, my apartment manager found out I had pets and was threatening eviction. At the same time, he was looking to buy a place. His bid was accepted and he asked me if I would like to move in and told me he would support me. I did, which was totally amoral. After I moved in, I got wrapped up in materialism, ie, decorating, rennovating, all that bull****, which blinded me from the fact that the foundations of a successful marriage weren't there.

 

When we started living together, he snored which was really aggravating which caused me to resent him. I would stay up until 5am until I was completely exhausted before I went to bed. I hated to be in the same bed with him. I didn't even like his natural smell, etc. I started to get a sleeping disorder and had to consult with a GP to get sleeping pills prescribed. I still take one every night because if I don't, now I get night sweats. At the same time, I would go to bed and when he was snoring loud, I would try to turn him/move him. This ended up causing him to get a sleeping disorder as well (ie, not feel rested in the morning). He went to a GP and they decided to go a different route. He had two surgeries from an ENT to elimate the snoring and his breathing problems, because I guess they would lead to sleep apnea.

 

The surgeries were successful for the snoring, but in the meantime, we had decided to sleep in separate rooms, him on the couch in the LR. After the surgery, we tried to sleep in the same bed, but neither of us could get sleep. His mind would race and I would feel so much resentment still. He decided to stay on the couch and about 2 months ago, we got a bed for him to sleep on in a separate room. He still suffers on and off from sleep disturbances and is on medication as well now.

 

While all of this has been happening, I have had 6 affairs. All of them are with men I am extremely sexually attracted to and are purely sexual. At first, I would have affairs when I was traveling, but recently started one in my own hometown. It was easier with out-of-towners because I could leave and not have any temptation to see them when I got back home. I hate to say this, but after I would get back from my affair, I would feel less resentment toward my H, act kinder to him, and appreciate him more. If I didn't have the affairs, I think we would be in a worse spot because I would probably tell him terrible things about how unattractive I find him, etc. Because of my guilt, I have pity sex with my H. Without the affairs, he would have no sex. With the most recent man, the sex was so incredible and he was so close by which created problems. I would have over 10 orgasms (not just in the beginning, but for over 3 months with the sex getting better and better) and when I was with him and we would dance together, wear costumes, do web cam (on his end), etc. It was all fantasy I am aware and I used the men just as much as they used me. The problems were that if I were interested in sex, I wouldn't have the pity sex with my H anymore like I did after my trips. I would just go over to the OM's house. I couldn't stop thinking about having sex with him, games we could play, etc.

 

3 days ago I discussed the possibility of an open marriage with my H. I told him that I was not satisfied sexually with him. He had told me that he was with 2 women before me, but at the time he confessed that not only had he only been with 2 women at the age of 27, he had only had sex 3 times total. He said that it is only a matter of learning, letting him know what I like, etc. How do I tell him that it is not only that. There has to be physical attraction and fun. How do I tell him that I don't even think he can learn because he is not intuitive and is stiff, formal, and repressed? He doesn't dance and has no flexibility, and when I have tried to take him dancing, he gets fed up and hates it. After being with men who are amazing A+ lovers, how can I go back to an F and be satisfied. With practice, perhaps he can be a D or C, but he will never be an A+ to me, ever.

 

I am so selfish. I know I have traumatized this man. He already felt inept with women and now he will feel even more inept when I divorce. He told me that before I start having an open marriage, which to him means being a chump/masturbating while I am out there having the open marriage, that we should seek marital counseling. I agreed and sent a NC letter to my OM. The counseling session is next week, but how should I deal with it. My H is going to want to start practicing having sex and I don't want to have sex with him. I already feel violated because I have had sex with him (like 1-2x per month) when I didn't want to out of pity. I showed no enjoyment yet he still kept doing it. I feel like a whore and I know I am one, you don't have to bash me that way. Now, should I be honest or not with him? I have 1 and a half more years of schooling before I can support myself, I feel trapped. I can try to be faithful for that long (unlikely at this rate) but the thought of having sex with him disgusts me. He wants to meet with the counselor together. I wish I could talk to this person alone first to tell him the real scoop. I don't know how to be honest with my H in a constructive way. At this point I would rather not say anything until I learn the healthy way to approach it.

 

What I ultimately want is to get out of this marriage without causing any more mental anguish to him. Staying in it will only deteriorate his self-esteem more because I can never be the adoring wife. I can't help my body language and my lack of lubrication. He told me that if I do decide to have an open marriage, he would still stay with me because the thought of going back to the single life is scarier than death and we have so many things that do work (ie, if we were roommates only, we would have a perfect situation). We support each other, I got him to stop smoking and drinking, and to become athletic. We enjoy hanging out together, even running errands. He also says that he enjoys having all of his coworkers marvel at how attractive his wife is. Amist the lies and deception there is a lot we both are getting out of the marriage which is why I don't look for emotional relationships with other men. However, ultimately that is not enough. I want to be with a man I feel physically attracted to, that I have both a physical and an emotional connection to. I know that cannot happen until I break free from my marriage. I am not delusional. Also, my H is fearful though with the open marriage I will meet someone and leave him so I realize the open marriage idea is not realistic.

 

Help. What should I do?

[RowanRavyn]

The biggest sex organ we have is the brain.

 

Since he is "unschooled" in the finer arts of sexual behavior, I think its unfair to blow him off so easily.

 

Since you admitted that you are essentially prostituting yourself to him for a roof over your head, I won't bash you on that. You already know what you are doing.

 

Go to the counseling. If nothing else it will provide him a cushion when you ultimately leave him.

[emmy22]

Babe he sounds like a really nice guy ,,,,how can i put this ....ok if you didn't wright this message and he was righting it about you how would you feel????????????

 

You oviouslly don't love him but want someone to fill the space of the x you did love but hun this is not fare on him there is people out there who can love each other as friends and honor each other without having a physical relationship "sole mate"

 

this is what he should be

 

 

if you don't deal with this you will not only hurt him but damage yourself,,,

sorry lov em xx

[michelangelo]

Will you just leave the poor shmuck and get on with your shallow life?

 

He ought to bill you for services rendered though.

 

What a hostile thing you have done to him.

 

Trolled for other lovers, hating him, and never once trying to let him know how to make love to you.

 

Do you hate yourself as well?

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by NuevaVida

Now, should I be honest or not with him?

 

I think you already know the answer to that.

 

What I ultimately want is to get out of this marriage without causing any more mental anguish to him.

 

The mental anguish is already there. It just hasn't been addressed yet. It exists, and can't be indefinately avoided.

 

I can't imaging that your current state of self-loathing will be much improved by continuing on in the marriage with the full knowledge that you are just using this man. How will you enjoy the proceeds of your education knowing that you stole it at an innocent person's emotional expense?

 

Even though you listed some things that benefit him in the relationship, it's not enough to offset the fact that the emotional and financial assets that he is currently investing in you are wasted. He's not out in the world finding a woman that can love and enjoy him the way he deserves.

 

There is no reason why you can't meet with the counselor separately and impart the facts to him/her. It would be a kindness to your husband to put some planning into how you're going to cushion the blow for him.

 

If you ever want to feel good about yourself again, you'll need to STOP what you're doing. Stop taking his money, his security, his love. Get a job. Wait to finish school until you can pay for it yourself. Your feelings of "being a whore" won't go away until you can make restitution in full.

[jmargel]

Help. What should I do?

 

Quite being so damn selfish. It's women like you who give good females a bad name. I swear you must have some mental disorder to actually stay with this guy for this long and marry him, knowing what you feel. You used him, cheated on him, caused him mental anguish, made him have two surguries and now saying you want an 'open' marriage? Girl, there is NO marriage. It's you, using him as a sugar daddy. Tell him about the affairs and move out. Leave this poor guy to recover whatever diginity he has left.

 

Karma can be a bitch, and I truly hope it bites you in the ass big time. Why did your ex leave you? It's probably because of your selfish, unloving and uncaring ways. Here's a reality check. No one owes you anything, and to use this guy like you have is wrong. You won't get pity from me or probably most here. Go find a good counselor, you truly need it.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Stop complaining about being such a selfish, 'bad' person and do something about it. Take the steps necessary to free you both from this horrible arrangement.

 

Staying with him is bad for you, because you don't want to be with him. Staying with him is bad for him, because what you are putting him through will likely scar him for a long time. I'm sure that his insecurity with himself was one of the main reasons he took you in - you seemed like a secure thing to him: even when he knew that you did not love or want him - and don't fool yourself into thinking he was naive or didn't know how you really felt. Deep inside, we all know when we are not loved and wanted. We use delusion or denial to cover it up, but deep down we know. I'm sure he knew.

 

You both need counseling. Hardcore. You need couples mediation to help with the divorce, and you both need individual counseling to repair the individual damage.

 

I hope that through counseling, he can come to realize that he deserves a woman who will love, respect and desire him - and find the strength to grant you the divorce that you both really do need. There is nothing to reconcile or 'fix' in your relationship because your entire relationship was under false pretenses and a mutual symbiotic/parasitic need to be together.

 

Hopefully it can be done as swiftly and mercifully as possible. For both your sakes.

[alphamale]

you will never find one man who fullfills 100% of what you need. you'll be lucky if you get 70%.

 

so you divorce this man and marry a good looking man you're attracted to and have great sex but he is stupid or cant' hold a job or has affairs on YOU.

 

will you be better off then??

[Mr Spock]

Originally posted by jmargel

Quite being so damn selfish. It's women like you who give good females a bad name. I swear you must have some mental disorder to actually stay with this guy for this long and marry him, knowing what you feel. You used him, cheated on him, caused him mental anguish, made him have two surguries and now saying you want an 'open' marriage? Girl, there is NO marriage. It's you, using him as a sugar daddy. Tell him about the affairs and move out. Leave this poor guy to recover whatever diginity he has left.

 

Karma can be a bitch, and I truly hope it bites you in the ass big time. Why did your ex leave you? It's probably because of your selfish, unloving and uncaring ways. Here's a reality check. No one owes you anything, and to use this guy like you have is wrong. You won't get pity from me or probably most here. Go find a good counselor, you truly need it.

 

Yadda, Yadda, Yadda. That's two big paragraphs of you being angry and ONE little bit of advice........you don't identify anything she hasn't already said. Don't you have suggestions as to what might help her?

[250r]

set him and yourself free

 

I truly truly do not understand why folks can't just end a relationship BEFORE moving on to the next one Seriously, what is sooo hard about it? Isn't it easier to tell someone "sorry, but this isn't working out, I want to end this relationship" than telling them "I've had numerous affairs behind your back, put your health at risk, lied and deceived you for years, etc" !

[Bryanp]

Hello,

 

I agree that you should end the marriage. The best way is to be totally honest with him. Tell him you have been involved in affairs with six different men behind his back and have put him at great physical risk for STD's. Tell him that you enjoy having great sex with other men and betraying him behind his back consistently.

I am sure once you tell him this he will no longer wish to have anything to do with you. How very kind of you to treat a man who loves you the way you do. The best favor you can give him is to tell him the truth and allow him to find someone who will love and respect him as a man and a spouse. This is something you are incapable of doing.

[TMCM]

One of the problems that's clearly visible is that you went from one committed relationship to another without taking time to emotionally heal and ended up marrying a man you felt no attraction to. Another one is that you've been addicted to dishonesty as a way of avoiding conflict. You need individual counseling for these and other issues.

 

Your H is an adult, so stop treating him like a child you are going to traumatize if you divorce him. Tell him the truth about you and your affairs so that he can start seeing that the image he's had about you is a lie, an illusion. This will make it a lot easier for him to let go of you. You don't want him to hate you and that is understandable [none of us likes to be hated] but his hatred of you may be what he needs in order to accept that the best thing for him is to divorce you and move on with his life. Your H may or may not recover from your betrayals but that is something you have no control of because only HE can choose to do so or not.

 

As far what to do, I'd like to suggest that you start finding a job and a place to live ASAP. I know the job market is tough out there but even if you were to graduate tomorrow, there is no guarantee that you would land a job immediately after graduation [unless you studies were in the health field]. So stop inventing excuses and start NOW. Not only would this move you in the right direction but it would be a source of emotional comfort in that you are finally taking responsibility for your own life.

 

Sorry to say this, but the damage has already been done and the only thing you've accomplished is to postpone the consequences.

 

TMCM

[moimeme]

Call up the counsellor and say you want an individual appointment and that you do not want your husband to know about it. Then tell your wretched tale and ask counsellor to help you extricate yourself without doing further damage.

[alphamale]

I think part of the problem here is that the poster WANTS to be in this situation. Otherwise, she would not be in it.

 

Think about it....she is married to a man who provides for her and genuinely cares for her and then she can do whatever she wants to on the side.

 

It is the ideal marriage for a woman.

[Cecelius]

The terror of being alone I believe causes more trauma in the relationship world than anything else. It's what causes people to lie, cheat and steal (all of which are present in this post).

 

Is being alone really all that horrible? If she had a spine, she wouldn't be doing this to him, and if he had one, she wouldn't be continuing to do this to him out of fear of hurting him more. Its also a handy excuse to pretend that one is being noble when one is being skanky.

 

I for one would not want the courtesy of you doing me any favors by staying with me, cheating on me, using my efforts to pay for your existense and making me the laughing stock of every dude who gets access to what you promissed me alone.

 

Poor guy. Probably just needed a nice girl. Too bad for him.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by Cecelius

Poor guy. Probably just needed a nice girl. Too bad for him.

 

maybe he does not like nice girls. And I'm sure he knows what is going on.

[jmargel]

Originally posted by Mr Spock

Yadda, Yadda, Yadda. That's two big paragraphs of you being angry and ONE little bit of advice........you don't identify anything she hasn't already said. Don't you have suggestions as to what might help her?

 

I'm not angry, I feel bad for her husband and no pity for her. This isn't something that she did that was out of her personality. It's like not she got drunk and flashed some guys. She deliberately set this guy up for an emotional breakdown. She has single-handedly destroyed this guy's trust and compassion in women. It's all because of her self-serving attitude. This goes beyond just doing something 'stupid'. This is a personality disorder, in which I suggested counseling for her and to tell him about what she did.

 

There is no way to fix this marriage, since there was nothing but deceit to begin with. She needed a place to stay and money and he was there. She not only took advantage of him financially, but emotionally as well. Since he doesn't have an answer on why he deserves this, he's going to think so differently now when it regards the opposite sex.

 

Thing is, she is going to continue this with the next guy unless she figures out WHY she has done this. She hasn't replied to why her ex left her yet.

 

As for you Mr. Spock, we have had our share of run-ins. If you wish to turn this into a personal attack like you have on other threads and act immature, then don't do it in here. Save everyone alot of time & grief and stick to the topic at hand.

[reservoirdog1]

In your case, the cheating is merely the icing on the cake. It's not the problem -- it's one of the symptoms. It's a symptom of a fraudulent marriage based on lies that you've constructed for his benefit and for yours. The problem is that the "benefits" you are each receiving are very different. He's getting (what he thinks is) a loving partner who wants to be with him. You're getting a roof over your head, support while you finish school, and the complete avoidance of accountability -- underscored by the fact that he sounds like he's willing to keep you even if he KNOWS you're screwing around on him.

 

Since you were never attracted to him, don't want to be married to him and, apparently, never really did want him or the marriage, I don't see that there's much of anything to build on. Just like in my own situation, your marriage is rotten to the core. It was stillborn. It never had a chance. It should never have happened.

 

The one good thing you've done for him, it sounds like, is encouraged him to start going to the gym and becoming athletic. That, in the midst of everything else, will at least stand him in good stead moving forward. It's too late to worry about not hurting him -- you've already done that, only he doesn't know it yet (or, at least, the extent of it).

 

I speak from experience, because the revelation I received a year and a half ago was that my TBXW hadn't been "in love" with me since before the engagement and was a serial cheat. She'd married me because, intellectually, I was the best person for her in some ways, and like you, she dealt with the unhappiness by cheating repeatedly. It's true, in the first several months after the revelation, and on a couple of occasions since then, I've felt like swallowing a handful of pills. But I didn't. I realized that there were other people in my life, my friends and my family, who were there for me. I realized that if I could get through my own situation, I could get through anything.

 

The point I'm trying to make is that, yes, he will be devastated. But he will get beyond that in time, and ultimately be stronger for it. So, here's a statement of what you owe him, in my view:

 

1) Honesty, about everything.

2) Releasing him NOW, so that he can move on -- not just when it's convenient for you and when you've finished school.

3) Waiving your legal rights to spousal support or a share of HIS home or any assets that were his before you started living together.

 

You've described yourself as feeling like a whore. If you want to avoid feeling like that forever, and retain a smidgen of your self-respect, then #2 and #3 are vitally important -- at least you won't have charged him for your "services."

 

In sum, you owe him a clean break from you with no fighting or legal recriminations, so that he can be completely free of you and move on.

[whichwayisup]

Stop complaining about being such a selfish, 'bad' person and do something about it. Take the steps necessary to free you both from this horrible arrangement.

 

The problem is, you sadly "settled" for someone who you are not inlove with and he deserves somebody who will love him, honour him and cherish him.

 

Everything you said about yourself, stop that. Get some therapy, sort out your guilt, your unhappiness and in the process of this you HAVE be honest with him. Tell him you want out and then go your own separate ways. You cannot make yourself fall inlove with him. Sadly for him, he probably will be heart broken, but in the end will be better off.

 

The sooner you tell him, the better off the situation will be. DO not hang on to him out of guilt or fear of being alone. That just isn't right or fair.

[NuevaVida]

Thanks for your all of reponses, even the harsh ones. I am not asking for a pity party, but an honest assessment of the situation. I will call the counselor to meet with him first. I feel like an emotional wreck holding in my dissatisfaction while pretending to be happy. And to one of the responses, yes I am in the medical field and will have a high paying job when I am done.

 

My H wants to go to business school and will be applying this fall. I feel I owe it to him to support him through school so even though I feel trapped, I also feel a duty and am not just a taker. That is what my marriage is based on, duty. There are many marriages out there that run like that. I am not alone and both parties go into it that sort of situation usually know what is going on. My H would not have stressed how he would support me and take care of me had he not known what was going on. I have made a lot of money in the stock market with him as a team, my picking stocks and running them through a series of tests and him doing the final analysis. The money we have made on those stock picks is more than he could ever have made on his own, even career wise, because he doesn't have any ideas and doesn't understand consumerism. It is not all black and white. He says he is so much happier with me than he ever was when he was single, and that his life has improved tremendously (health, wealth, etc).

 

I wish I could have sexual feelings for this man. He now is extremely physically fit, yet I still see the man I married. He doesn't snore anymore, yet I still see the man that snored. He has made a lot of improvements in the looks department. When he had his snoring surgery, they also did rhinoplasty and everyone tells me about how good he looks. I still see the man I married. I wish I could have met my H after all this because it is possible I would be attracted to him. He now is even going to do Lasix so he doesn't have to wear glasses.

 

Call me shallow all you will. I am but so is he. I discussed that perhaps he could meet women who would love him more and he told me that there is no way he could ever meet someone that he felt attracted to. I was the only women he has ever met that he's been attracted to. I mentioned being with someone who has a great personality and he could not be someon he didn't feel a physical connection to and his standards he knows are unrealistically higher than his look level. I said I will never be an adoring wife to you and he said that he doesn't want an adoring wife. He wants me.

 

Is there hope? Would he really be better off without me or will therapy and the truth bring us closer together so I can see him as the person he is today, not the man I married.

[Debster]

By your last post, it sounds to me like he might have suspected how you felt all along but is comfortable with the situation as long as he has you. Definitely not what I would choose, but hey, it's his life.

[Barby]

All I can say to this is....

 

 

If he "knows" and is truly "happy" in this shame (oops sham) marriage then just tell him each time you get a new "partner" be honest and then you'll have nothing to feel guilty about.

[NuevaVida]

Thanks again for your responses. My H just called me and found a yoga class for us to attend tonight. He says he is wants to become a good lover and that even though I may not enjoy sex with him, it is only a matter of practice and him taking the time to listen to me and adjust. He said that he is also at fault because he hasn't been listening and trying to learn, but rather thinking about his own pleasure. He says that it is like becoming a good athletic. He would never have thought he could become an iron man before when he was eating poorly, drinking, and smoking. I explained my lubrication problem and he said that we could just use k-y or whatever else is out there in the market. I told him that with all that has happened, it may take time for me to feel turned on. He said that we don't even have to start out with sex, we can work on just kissing and touching each other. He said he would also be willing to go to any sexual instruction classes, etc.

 

After reading the reply posts, I feel even guiltier about the mean things I said and you guys are totally justified in bashing me. I think I owe it to him for him to at least experiment and learn how to become a good lover. I agreed not to have any extra-marital affairs during this experimentation/learning period and won't. Hopefully with the guidance of the counselor, instructional classes, and yoga he can grow as a lover so that if it doesn't work out for us, at least he will have the sexual confidence and experience when he looks for his true soul mate. He also agreed to go to a dance class on Friday night with me. I really hope that doing all this is healthy and will increases his confidence. I want him to break free from his shell. My question is, do I give him a chance and not expose the prior affairs even though he has alluded to knowing that they are going on and start from scratch? If I tell him everything, he will feel less confident. He has said that if I am am having affairs, he wants them to stop and doesn't want to know anything about them.

 

Regarding the other posts about the health risks. I understand the health risks associated with having multiple sex partners. I used protection and get tested for AIDS/Syphillus every 6 months and for the rest every 3 months. I also use protection with my H. I was most recently tested 3 weeks ago with negative results. I understand that if I am infected with AIDS seroconversion could take 6 weeks-6 months during which time I could infect people. The health risks associated with my lifestyle have been a huge concern for me and have caused a lot of guilt, but apparantly not enough, which is sad.

 

Again, thanks for all of your honesty.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by NuevaVida

 

He has said that if I am am having affairs, he wants them to stop and doesn't want to know anything about them.

 

I'd take him at his word then, I suppose. He apparently can't handle the truth, and he's telling you so.

 

It's a weird relationship. Lucrezia described it aptly I think, as symbiotic/parasitic. It's beyond my understanding, but if it works for both of you......then I wish you all the best with it.

[NuevaVida]

I'm not offended by your comments. They don't seem angry, but real. You've been through crap and you are justified for feeling the way you do. I also believe in karma. You asked about why my former bf dumped me. Well, it was because he was significantly older than me and just using me for fun. He made me believe that he would marry him and that he loved me. I was both mentally and physically attracted to him, so I thought. Because of the age difference, however, his family did not approve of me and family was important to him. So, I was totally duped as well, for many years of my life. I am not telling you this to justify how I am behaving currently but just to agree that karma does exist. Every action does have a consequence. Every time we treat another cruelly, the other, in reaction, may subconsciously treat someone else cruelly. What I need to do is stop this viscious cycle of negative karma and create something positive instead.