candyfloss Posted January 10, 2005 Share Posted January 10, 2005 [ So you have the elements of friendship; you admire and like the guy and you like his company. A lot of people can't say the same about they people they're horny for. I still think developing horniness for someone is not that hard if you really want to do it. I dont think u can develop horniness for someone u dont feel for in the first place. Unless u were drunk, or u for example, u saw a close friend in a different light after a long time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NuevaVida Posted January 10, 2005 Author Share Posted January 10, 2005 It is very difficult to feel attracted to someone when your body chemistry is telling you something different from your brain. It is going to take some work for this to happen, but I am already seeing improvement in just a week. First of all, I did the NC thing with my former OM. My Former OM has been attempting contact but I am not responding. Instead, I am focused on my marriage. This has been an extremely important step for me. I have realized that due to my circumstances for getting married, I did develop a sexual aversion to my dh. He has improved dramatically look wise, but in the past I have had sex with him numerous times when I didn't want to. Due to his being a novice and nervousness, he did not pay attention to or understand my body cues such as vaginal dryness and a painful look on my face. He also did not try to learn because he was embarrassed. When I tried to instruct, his body would stiffen which made things worse. Because I associate painful and unintuitive sex with him, it is difficult for me to overcome the aversion even though now he is more confident, attractive, and willing to learn. It was a big step for me to inform my dh about my sexual aversion and the reasons for it and he is being extremely patient and understanding. He was clueless before which was my fault for not expressing myself verbally. I was holding all the resentment inside, which I believe caused me to cheat and avoid sexual contact with him. I told him that for the next few months I would not have sex with him, but rather I would instruct him how to become a better lover foreplay wise. Just today, he moved from an F to a D+ lover and I am surprised by his progress and openness. My instruction only lasted an hour. After my lesson, I gave him oral sex which only takes 3 minutes since I know how to be efficient. Both of us benefit this way because I am not doing anything that I find unpleasant or painful and therefore am no longer creating negative conditioning. I am in control, which is important since I felt out of control before when I was doing things with him I didn't want to do. I am also interested in exploring tantric sex, so if anyone has any experiences, tell me about them. My body chemistry is attracted to male strippers or other types of dancers who are polyamorous and extremely sexually experienced. The sex is incredible with these guys, but personality wise I don't clique with them. What is more important in a marriage, the sex or the personality? In the perfect world, both, but I have yet to meet anyone who can find both fully. Relationships are about compromise and dually making an effort to improve the situation. To the women who said that my dh deserves to find a woman who will accept him for who his is. I have given my dh that option but he said he would rather be with a woman who challenges him to become a better person and who makes him do things he never thought were possible. For example, he is deathly afraid to dance and this weekend we attended a dance class. Granted, he needs a lot of practice and will attend more classes in the future. He has a positive and perservering attitude which I am really proud of. At some point, his goal is to feel comfortable improv dancing while hearing the beat of the music and feeling free. With me, he faces his fears because I encourage him and that is what he wants. He does not want to remain in his comfort zone. Some men want unconditional love, others don't. Relationships are all different. It's about dually learning what the partner needs are and figuring out if you want to fulfill them. We all have different emotional needs. Some women flip out if their dh doesn't remember their birthday or anniversary I could care less about those things. I rank a man's sexual capabilities high in importance while other women rank it low. Bread winner, house husband, good father, highly educated, down to earth, amazing chef, funny, high energy, reliable, punctual, wild ... No one is identical in what they find important in their mate. Life would be incredibly dull if peoples' needs were all the same. I enjoy hearing what you all have to say on this forum because of the diversity of thought. Looking at things from different angles inspires reflection. Thank you all for your insights. Link to post Share on other sites
TMCM Posted January 10, 2005 Share Posted January 10, 2005 NuevaVida, Congratulations on taking the big step of NC with your former OM. While there may be times when you may feel weak and ready to cave in, you may want to remember that NONE of your former OM are going to be there for you if tragedy were to befell you and you ended up paralized [ala Christopher Reeve] or horribly disfigured, but your loving and forgiving H will. It's going to be tough maintaining NC but you can do it IF you take it one day at a time. Good luck and God bless you and your H. TMCM Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted January 10, 2005 Share Posted January 10, 2005 Two people committed to working hard at a relationship! You realize you two are almost a miracle? We maybe will have to put you in a zoo or something so others can see a very rare species. Please do keep updating us from time to time - I so wish you both a happy-ever-after! Congratulations on figuring out the source of your aversion. It makes perfect sense. It's also useful that you figured out what sorts of people you are attracted to and why that's counterproductive. I've found myself very attracted to guys who would be utter disasters as partners. But I've also become very attracted to people who initially didn't spark any sparks so I sure don't count physical attraction as a legitimate measure of whether someone is partner material or not. Link to post Share on other sites
michelangelo Posted January 10, 2005 Share Posted January 10, 2005 Um, he's "improved" from an F to a D+????? Does your husband get a chance to rate you as well? Where do you think you rate? Maybe it's just me, but I know I'd be offended if my wife was rating me in this way comparing me to promiscuious male "dancers". Part of your problem is not your husband, you know this, right? Link to post Share on other sites
derekj513 Posted January 10, 2005 Share Posted January 10, 2005 so, he's only a d+ now? what's the deal, he's trying learn and do whatever you want. does he have a small cock or something? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted January 10, 2005 Share Posted January 10, 2005 quote:disregard what people are telling you, most of us LS'ers are completely full of sh*t. Some more than others. And stating this does any good how? Don't degrade other poster's opinions it isn't nice, helpful, or necessary. Odd how that gets to stay on. Oh well. I am extremely glad that you feel it's possible to work on things so that eventually, one day your husband will appeal to you sexually. I just don't think it's something that normal people need to train themselves to do. The 'first building block' to relationships, as far as I can figure, would be about evenly divided between people who start as friends first and people who start out by being attracted first. Someplace I've read the stats; a very large number of people who get married started out as friends first. Get those stats, would ya? I wonder what the stats are for the "very large" group of people that get divorced later on. Funny how some people's opinions seem to present themselves as facts whenver possible. You shouldn't HAVE to condition yourself to be attracted to someone. Sigh. Anyways, NV, I am glad you've made a decision and are trying your best to succeed, I hope you keep posting. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted January 11, 2005 Share Posted January 11, 2005 You shouldn't HAVE to condition yourself to be attracted to someone Sez who? And what's the big deal? It's not impossible. Read Ellis. It's the 'shoulds' that kill ya in this life. The more you ditch, the happier you'll be. Nobody's saying you have to do this so live and let live. Get those stats, would ya? I wonder what the stats are for the "very large" group of people that get divorced later on. Funny how some people's opinions seem to present themselves as facts whenver possible 99.999 % of the time I post links to back up what I say. Then I get bitched at for being a 'know it all' (clearly, if I 'knew it all' I wouldn't use links, but that's another issue). I do not have this particular stat handy. Well, actually I probably did keep it and stick it in one of my files but I really can't be bothered picking it out. I remembered it because 1. It was a reputable source 2. I was astonished that the numbers of people who were 'friends first' was so high Sorry if you don't want to believe it. Since I'm not the only human on the planet capable of doing research on the web, I'll leave it to you to find it for yourself. If it helps, I think someone actually quoted it here. Have fun. Link to post Share on other sites
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