In need of guidance

[Elisabeth4]

Hello!

 

I am 25 years old, and have been married only a short two years. I never thought I would be here asking for advice, but I suppose who does?

 

My husband and I have been together for 6 years, and have a 1 year old daughter. I am about to graduate from nursing school in May, and am feeling on top of the world. Now, do I love him? Yes. Am I contemplating deserving more? Yes.

 

Over the last 6 years we have had our share of ups and downs, only the downs seem to be outweighing the ups lately. When he drinks he tends to say and do things that nobody should have to hear. A low moment for me was when he was yelling at me (drunk) and my nose began to bleed (blood pressure sky rocketed) and he told me to get down and clean up my mess. Wait, what? Who says that. I have endless moments like this and every time I pull myself together and carry on. He's splattered beer on my face, and turns into a monster. This isn't on a regular basis by any means, but it doesn't make it hurt any less.

 

What stopped me in my tracks was something that just recently happened. I discovered my husband had been taking personal photographs of me sleeping. For the record I do not sleep without clothes on so he was literally getting my pants down to carry on with the act. I feel completely violated, and question if they are posted online. Online or not, he is supposed to love and respect my body.

 

There are so many things about him that don't match up with who I am, but I feel that I valued my worth so lowly that I thought this was normal.

 

I'm ready to have a man in my life that doesn't call me a baby when I cry, but wipes away my tears. Even better, I'm ready to have a man that doesn't routinely hurt me.

 

Does taking a break seem extreme in my case? I'm emotionally broken and checked out.

[revitup]

Smart move on taking a break I think.

 

He has no reason to undress you in your sleep and take photographs,unless you two do this normally - while you are awake.

 

A break in this case (not a lot of info to go on) can't really hurt that I can see.

 

REV

[Yasuandio]

Hon,

 

You are just 25, and bleeding from the nose from skyrocketing BP? I wonder why?

 

You are about to become a nurse. How would you assess this situation if you heard it from the mouth of a patient?

 

This guy is warped. Maybe dangerous. Certainly very weird. IMO.....Sick, sick, sick. He could drug you and do all kinds of strang-o things to you when you are not conscious. Wakey, wakey, girl! Get away. Yas

[JohnMcClaine]

It certainly appears as though you married a monster. I'm not sure why anyone would put up with this behavior for so long, but you need to run.

[Elisabeth4]

There's been so any instances in which I think any normal human being would have walked away. I always use, "he was drunk" as an excuse. But now the photographs have me completely confused. It's not normal to take pictures like that is it?

[JohnMcClaine]

There's been so any instances in which I think any normal human being would have walked away. I always use, "he was drunk" as an excuse. But now the photographs have me completely confused. It's not normal to take pictures like that is it?

 

No. And neither is telling you to clean up after having a bloody nose, or splattering beer in your face. This is disgusting behavior. If you don't want to put up with this for the rest of your life, you know what you need to do.

[Steen719]

Hon,

 

You are just 25, and bleeding from the nose from skyrocketing BP? I wonder why?

 

You are about to become a nurse. How would you assess this situation if you heard it from the mouth of a patient?

 

This guy is warped. Maybe dangerous. Certainly very weird. IMO.....Sick, sick, sick. He could drug you and do all kinds of strang-o things to you when you are not conscious. Wakey, wakey, girl! Get away. Yas

 

Yas says it best....get away! Why stay with someone who already does this to you - no kids - no staying. The photos alone are enough. Get out now!

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

He's abusive. RUN. For yourself and your daughter. She does not need to grow up learning that this behaviour is normal.

 

If she came to you 20 years from now, asking you the same questions, what would you tell her?

[Steen719]

Yas says it best....get away! Why stay with someone who already does this to you - no kids - no staying. The photos alone are enough. Get out now!

 

Sorry, missed the daughter - still need to leave.

[revitup]

There's been so any instances in which I think any normal human being would have walked away. I always use, "he was drunk" as an excuse. But now the photographs have me completely confused. It's not normal to take pictures like that is it?

 

 

No,it's not good that you even ask if it's normal

 

He has some issues that may have caused you to question your own ideas and thoughts over time.Time away and I mean way away is an excellent idea.Some IC should happen right away.

 

REV

[Elisabeth4]

I value everything everyone has said so deeply. We can go for good stretches with complete normalcy....so my mind always tricks myself into believing that things are just fine. He knows I am checking out emotionally so he's been extra sweet, of course. I feel so wrong by having doubts when he is not currently hurting me, but everything that has happened over the years hit me like a pound of bricks. When I was nearly 30 weeks pregnant he got hammered & suggested I "tale care" of my pregnancy. And a few months ago he smashed his phone in two because he was angry. When he's not like this...he's "perfect"

 

It's like my eyes opened one day and I was like: what the hell am I doing? There have to be people out there that don't do this.

 

Again I appreciate the advice so much, keep it coming if anybody has anything to add. Thank you.

[JohnMcClaine]

It's like my eyes opened one day and I was like: what the hell am I doing? There have to be people out there that don't do this.

 

Yes. There are relationships/marriages out there that don't have any of this crap going on. No disgusting behavior, no cheating, etc. These generally involve people who are actually right for each other. The biggest favor you could do for yourself right now is to get out.

[Yarrow]

He's abusive. RUN. For yourself and your daughter. She does not need to grow up learning that this behaviour is normal.

 

If she came to you 20 years from now, asking you the same questions, what would you tell her?

 

I like this way of looking at it. It really puts it into perspective, doesn't it?

 

Sad to say you're right. why women let guys get away with the drunk excuse Ill never understand.

 

I think there's this myth out there that that love of a good woman will heal a man so that he stops drinking. From there, she turns it around in her head so that if he doesn't stop drinking, it means she's not good enough, so she just keeps trying harder.

 

It's crazy how pervasive this myth is. Like how in Beauty and the Beast, the purity of Beauty makes the Beast less mean, and so breaks the spell. I'm watching the Sound of Music right now because it's on TV, and Maria is so joyful and good that it turns the Captain from a bitter, cold man into a good father. These messages get hammered in pretty early.

[trippi1432]

I value everything everyone has said so deeply. We can go for good stretches with complete normalcy....so my mind always tricks myself into believing that things are just fine. He knows I am checking out emotionally so he's been extra sweet, of course. I feel so wrong by having doubts when he is not currently hurting me, but everything that has happened over the years hit me like a pound of bricks. When I was nearly 30 weeks pregnant he got hammered & suggested I "tale care" of my pregnancy. And a few months ago he smashed his phone in two because he was angry. When he's not like this...he's "perfect"

 

It's like my eyes opened one day and I was like: what the hell am I doing? There have to be people out there that don't do this.

 

Again I appreciate the advice so much, keep it coming if anybody has anything to add. Thank you.

 

Elisabeth - There are people out there that don't do this, but that does not mean there will never be hurdles that a husband and wife have to face together, the difference is HOW they face them TOGETHER. I'd like for you to explain this version of "Perfect" when he is not like this as this is your opinion that keeps you "in" but now has you doubting.

 

Outside of him getting "Hammered", how is he supportive of you as a person, how is he respectful of you as his wife....how does he treat you when he is sober? Does he get "hammered" alone or with friends, do they influence him in any way that puts you down? Was he drinking when he broke his phone, did he make it your fault when he did that?

 

On the photos, that's a very serious line that has been crossed.....you are NOT property because of a marriage certificate and that alone makes me question his integrity as someone who is "perfect" or of any moral character to even be around the daughter you have together..."Hammered" or not.

[alonefornow]

Hello!

 

I am 25 years old, and have been married only a short two years. I never thought I would be here asking for advice, but I suppose who does?

 

My husband and I have been together for 6 years, and have a 1 year old daughter. I am about to graduate from nursing school in May, and am feeling on top of the world. Now, do I love him? Yes. Am I contemplating deserving more? Yes.

 

Over the last 6 years we have had our share of ups and downs, only the downs seem to be outweighing the ups lately. When he drinks he tends to say and do things that nobody should have to hear. A low moment for me was when he was yelling at me (drunk) and my nose began to bleed (blood pressure sky rocketed) and he told me to get down and clean up my mess. Wait, what? Who says that. I have endless moments like this and every time I pull myself together and carry on. He's splattered beer on my face, and turns into a monster. This isn't on a regular basis by any means, but it doesn't make it hurt any less.

 

What stopped me in my tracks was something that just recently happened. I discovered my husband had been taking personal photographs of me sleeping. For the record I do not sleep without clothes on so he was literally getting my pants down to carry on with the act. I feel completely violated, and question if they are posted online. Online or not, he is supposed to love and respect my body.

 

There are so many things about him that don't match up with who I am, but I feel that I valued my worth so lowly that I thought this was normal.

 

I'm ready to have a man in my life that doesn't call me a baby when I cry, but wipes away my tears. Even better, I'm ready to have a man that doesn't routinely hurt me.

 

Does taking a break seem extreme in my case? I'm emotionally broken and checked out.

 

Below is some info I posted in the stickied thread in this forum. Everything you've listed is completely inappropriate. The most egregious is taking pictures of you without your consent. Regardless of what relationship you are in this is never ever OK. Please take that break and speak to some people about this relationship.

 

"The following are resources for those who believe they are in abusive relationships, or suspect they may be. Emotional or psychological abuse is often as damaging or more so than physical abuse. Abuse can feel like a prison, and abusers are at their worst when their victim attempts to leave. Please recognize that there are resources available to you. Emotional abuse is considered a form of domestic violence. Avail yourself of the resources out there for DV

 

Admitting to oneself that they are in an abusive relationship can be very difficult. Abusers tend to isolate their victims from the outside world. This, coupled with an environment that is so psychologically damaging, can leave one with a tenuous grasp on what is "normal" or "ok". This is why talking about what is going on, openly and honestly, with others is so important. The resources outlined below are just a few of the many available to people. If you need further assistance please feel free to PM me as this is a subject that I take very seriously.

 

Signs of abusive relationships: Signs of Emotional Abuse | World of Psychology

 

National (US) hotline: The National Domestic Violence Hotline | 24/7 Confidential Support

 

The book to read on abusers: http://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-

Controlling/dp/0425191656

 

Link to an organization that provides support groups and hotlines: Joyful Heart Foundation

 

I will try to add resources here as I find them. And if anyone just needs someone to talk to about this, PM me."

[Yasuandio]

Sorry, missed the daughter - still need to leave.

 

I was checking out your thread this morning and noticed that there is a consensus between the posters that the most egregious behaviors of this man is photogrpahing your young naked body in your sleep. Steen, also makes note of the daughter in this mess - which I completely overlooked, due to my shock of the nature of your post.

 

Now I am really going to wake you up, dear.

 

Sometimes, alcoholics can stop drinking (if they hit bottom, lose everything and want to stop drinking). Since you are about to become a nurse, you are aware that alcholics that do not drink remain alcoholics for the rest of their lifetime - it's a disease. Natuarally, they need to stay away from the temptation of alcohol - to stay clean.

 

Now let's discuss photographing young women in their sleep. I'm not sure if that is a disease, but it is a crime. Let's take that a step farther - you have daughter that will develop, in time, a body of a young girl. Did it ever occur to you that your husband might perform the same perverted photographic behaviors on your daughter as well, once she matures a bit - to his taste? Think about that for a moment. He may be doing it already.

 

I tend to clarify anyone that photographs anyone else naked in their sleep as a pervert (by law, the nicer term used would be "sex offender"). So, is perversion a disease? I don't know. But it is a crime. And even criminals in prison hate perverts, I mean sex offenders (the prisoners don't care if it was photos of your naked wife sleeping or raping a baby - the title "sex offender" is the classification for all deviatant behaviors like you described to us). Once perverts, I mean sex offenders, are released from prison, perverts, I mean sex offenders, are permanently marked for life. It is a law that citizens in the US must be aware of where perverts, I mean, sex offenders reside, for life. Why do you think we have such laws?

 

Now, as a nurse entering into the field, would you want your daughter to be living under the same roof with a pervert, I mean, sex offender? Even if he hasn't yet entered the legal system yet? Do you wanna take a chance on that? Well, you better make a police report and get the heck outta there - with you daughter. Go stay with family. I'm not sure perversion or sex offenders can can be cured. You may need to do some research on that. In the meantime, I wouldn't take any chances.

 

Now -- let's discuss your health. When I was your age - my BP was low if anything - remained normal most my life - no family history. In the last few years - as my marriage problems became totally impossible - I had a panic attack that sent me to hospital. There - they found my BP out of control 180/110. (Compared to 110/70 most of my adult life). Guess what! It won't go down. I of course have been on BP med morning and evening that brought it down for a couple years. Then - post divorce, troubles with attorneys taking my money - coping, etc., the chest pain starts. The doctor ordered every fancy new test known to man, there is not one thing wrong with my heart - not a single blockage. Chest pain is anxiety. But my BP is way up again. So, now, 2 more BP pills during daytime (4 BP pills for me). Hon, I am more than twice your age. Do you want to die? Do you want your husband to have custody over your child because you blew out an artery, or stroked out due to high BP? Do you get me? I have the problem because I've held in my anger for your entire lifetime. YOU should not have this kind of BP issue - that's bizarre. Make sure to get proper medical care for yourself ASAP.

 

Hon, I'm getting straight to the point and real with you for a reason - because you seem darn naive (and I've been there - the naive part).

 

OK - Lesson Over. I hope this helps. Yas

[bubbaganoosh]

First of all, you have to sit him down when he's sober for once and let him know in no uncertain terms that he has a drinking problem and he either gets it under control or you walk.

 

Second. he as no respect for you. It's not bad enough that he spits beer on you while your cleaning the blood from a bloody nose and is verbally abusive but the man pulls the blankets away from you and takes pictures of you naked?

 

I have to ask you in all honestly. Why do you feel that this is the best you can do? What he has done by taking pictures of you naked while your sleeping is as cheap as it comes. He looks at you like he's your pimp.

 

Do you know where he has the photos? get them and destroy them or delete them and start looking for another place to live and file for divorce.

 

He's going to hand you the excuse that he was drunk and if he's able to stoop this low and get away with it, then you better b prepared for many more ignorant things he can do.

 

If it was me I would tell him that he has a choice. His beer or his wife and be very serious about it but after what he did, I can't see how you can forgive him for the way he abuses you.