"Casually dating" for almost a year- Are we not so casual?

[paigej91]

I've been dating this guy for the better half of a year and it's gone through different "phases" but it's been so ambiguous in terms of "what/where we are". I waited a long time to have sex (we're both in our 20s by the way, with 5 years between us), and he still was pursuing me, but we did have some issues where he was frustrated with the lack of sex and I was frustrated with the uncertainty/lack of clarity with what he wanted and what his desires/intentions were (I guess I just need to know this type of thing before moving forward).

 

We didn't have a falling out of anything, but we did spend some time apart when these things started to rear their ugly head. After having spent time apart, things between us actually got a lot better- our communication is more open, the chemistry is how it was when we first started dating, but since we actually know each other now it's even better- it seems a stronger connection could be developing.

 

I'm not really worried about "where it's going" at this point because I wasted so much energy on that before- I'm just kind of going with it. If he takes the lead and does the extra leg work to get things going that'd be great, but I'm not expecting anything.

 

I've never had any kind of "relationship" like this with a guy, but is it doomed to stay ambiguous/casual at this point? Or has the friendship/mental connection we've developed during this time going to turn it into a relationship? This thread seems really disorganized, but I guess I'm just looking to hear from others' experiences. If you've been on either side of something like this, I'd like some advice/input. It feels like we've been past that stage of just dating for awhile (since we've been dating so long), and are now really starting to develop a connection- but I have no experience with anything like this and don't know how I should play this out.

[FitChick]

Have you had the talk where you said you want to be exclusive?

[Sarahk67]

I'm in a similar situation actually! Dated a guy for a few months we made it official lasted for 3 months but had to split up coz dad didnt approve of him! we spent some time apart but stayed in contact. After few months apart we decided to meet up for a catch up-there were still feelings there and we couldnt stop meeting up-long story short, we've been meeting up and dating for the past 3 months..but i dunno where its gonna go. We both dont talk about it and just go with it-kinda getting frustrated though coz its dragging on. Ive been advised by friends to talk about it with him and about being exclusive but my dad still doesnt agree!! My advice would be to sit him down and talk to him! Im jealous of you really coz you dont have anyone getting in between the two of you!! Good luck and all the best! x

[somedude81]

Have you had the talk where you said you want to be exclusive?

Why don't people have this talk before they start having sex?

[writergal]

He has you in the friend-zone right now because you haven't slept with him yet. Casual dating is code for "friends with benefits." It's not real dating.

 

You're not a romantic couple, if you categorize your relationship with him as "ambiguous."

 

First you need to end this ambiguity between you both. Are you, or are you not a romantic boyfriend-girlfriend couple? Do you want to be his girlfriend? Does he want to be your boyfriend?

 

Until you both directly answer that question, you'll remain in the friendzone limbo where you are more likely friends with PG-rated benefits (no sex but everything else).

 

A guy I dated in college tried that b.s. with me, and I dumped him after 5 months of playing the "are we or aren't we a couple" game, because I got fed up with fighting him for a relationship label. Oh, we kissed and made-out but we never had sex. We were both 21. Probably my only college relationship where I abstained from sex (and for good reason too, it turns out).

 

I think it's funny that you're not worried about where this is going with him, because it's not going anywhere right now. So there's no where for this ambiguous relationship to go, until you both make up your mind and end these silly games you're playing with each other.

[paigej91]

Have you had the talk where you said you want to be exclusive?

 

Not really. We had a conversation where I told him I was looking for something more serious and voiced my frustrations (at the time) with not knowing what his desires were. I wouldn't call it "the talk" though.

 

It was shortly after this that we stopped talking for awhile (like 5 months in). Not because of the talk, but because things were just sort of dying-out.

 

He got back in touch with me later, seemed pretty legit and was being really nice. I haven't talked about "us" because he put the brakes on it last time.

 

Also, to WriterGal- we've had sex, I just didn't sleep with him till quite a bit later.

[writergal]

Okay so you've had sex. Still seems like you're in a casual sex relationship then, if you're categorizing the relationship as "ambiguous."

 

What concerns me is that you're still with a guy who "put the brakes" on your exclusivity talk. Um, that's a huge red flag that requires your attention.

 

Why did it bother him when you asked him to be exclusive? What is his reasoning for not wanting to be more serious? (Asking to be more serious is equivalent to exclusivity.) How did he react when you brought it up?

 

Can you revisit the topic again now with him? I think that's the only true way you'll escape the relationship limbo that you find yourself in. Otherwise, if you're comfortable with limbo, then so be it I guess.

[paigej91]

Okay so you've had sex. Still seems like you're in a casual sex relationship then, if you're categorizing the relationship as "ambiguous."

 

What concerns me is that you're still with a guy who "put the brakes" on your exclusivity talk. Um, that's a huge red flag that requires your attention.

 

It's less ambiguous ("vague" is probably a better word) than before, but we've never had a 'talk' to make it "black and white definitive". It may be worth it to discuss it again. I just know men generally feel pressured when women start asking them questions along this nature instead of just enjoying the relationship and letting it develop organically.

 

Right now I actually am really enjoying whatever we have now and am kind of hesitant to have a so-called "talk" again. He didn't put the brakes on talking, we just figured out we were both frustrated with different things at that precise moment in our relationship. Could talking be different this time around?

[RedRobin]

It's less ambiguous ("vague" is probably a better word) than before, but we've never had a 'talk' to make it "black and white definitive". It may be worth it to discuss it again. I just know men generally feel pressured when women start asking them questions along this nature instead of just enjoying the relationship and letting it develop organically.

 

Right now I actually am really enjoying whatever we have now and am kind of hesitant to have a so-called "talk" again. He didn't put the brakes on talking, we just figured out we were both frustrated with different things at that precise moment in our relationship. Could talking be different this time around?

 

Ok, why do you care if he feels pressured? You think he doesn't know you want a relationship?

 

Woman up and get some clarity already. Your needs are just as important as his...

[snowflakes88]

You've been dating for almost a year, you're having sex with him -- but you're afraid to "pressure" him by asking where you stand? Really? I understand wanting things to develop organically, but organic usually doesn't mean a man needing a full year to decide whether he wants to date you. If you're honest with yourself, I think you'd have to admit you don't want to have The Talk again because (1) it didn't go so well the first time, and (2) you'd rather hold onto the half-relationship you have now than risk repeating #1. I'm no psychic, but if I had to wager -- I'd say this is going nowhere. He backed off when you said you wanted something serious the first time around, and he's been getting all of the sex and benefits that come w/ a relationship since he's come back -- without any of the commitment/exclusivity. What incentive does he have to step up, honestly?

[writergal]

It's less ambiguous ("vague" is probably a better word) than before, but we've never had a 'talk' to make it "black and white definitive". It may be worth it to discuss it again. I just know men generally feel pressured when women start asking them questions along this nature instead of just enjoying the relationship and letting it develop organically.

 

Right now I actually am really enjoying whatever we have now and am kind of hesitant to have a so-called "talk" again. He didn't put the brakes on talking, we just figured out we were both frustrated with different things at that precise moment in our relationship. Could talking be different this time around?

 

Less ambiguous, and vague is still ambiguous. "A rose by any other name is still a rose." - Shakespeare

 

And Shakey also wrote about the consequences of sitting on the fence with concerns...esp. where love and relationships are concerned.

 

She never told her love,

But let concealment, like a worm i'th' bud,

Feed on her damask cheek. She pined in thought,

And with a green and yellow melancholy

She sat like Patience on a monument,

Smiling at grief. Was not this love indeed?

(Twelfth Night, 2.4.115-120)

 

I usually only pull out the big guns (the Bard) when I feel it's necessary.

 

Ok, why do you care if he feels pressured? You think he doesn't know you want a relationship?

 

Woman up and get some clarity already. Your needs are just as important as his...

 

Agreed. You're putting yourself and your own needs second and walking on eggshells with your boyfriend. Not good. You deserve to have your needs met with every relationship that you're in. Otherwise, it's not a good relationship for you.

 

You've been dating for almost a year, you're having sex with him -- but you're afraid to "pressure" him by asking where you stand? Really? I understand wanting things to develop organically, but organic usually doesn't mean a man needing a full year to decide whether he wants to date you. If you're honest with yourself, I think you'd have to admit you don't want to have The Talk again because (1) it didn't go so well the first time, and (2) you'd rather hold onto the half-relationship you have now than risk repeating #1. I'm no psychic, but if I had to wager -- I'd say this is going nowhere. He backed off when you said you wanted something serious the first time around, and he's been getting all of the sex and benefits that come w/ a relationship since he's come back -- without any of the commitment/exclusivity. What incentive does he have to step up, honestly?

 

100% Ditto.

[veggirl]

Men who aren't into a girl feel pressured when she brings up the talk. Guys who are interested don't. You are his FWB.

[MissBee]

I've been dating this guy for the better half of a year and it's gone through different "phases" but it's been so ambiguous in terms of "what/where we are". I waited a long time to have sex (we're both in our 20s by the way, with 5 years between us), and he still was pursuing me, but we did have some issues where he was frustrated with the lack of sex and I was frustrated with the uncertainty/lack of clarity with what he wanted and what his desires/intentions were (I guess I just need to know this type of thing before moving forward).

 

We didn't have a falling out of anything, but we did spend some time apart when these things started to rear their ugly head. After having spent time apart, things between us actually got a lot better- our communication is more open, the chemistry is how it was when we first started dating, but since we actually know each other now it's even better- it seems a stronger connection could be developing.

 

I'm not really worried about "where it's going" at this point because I wasted so much energy on that before- I'm just kind of going with it. If he takes the lead and does the extra leg work to get things going that'd be great, but I'm not expecting anything.

 

I've never had any kind of "relationship" like this with a guy, but is it doomed to stay ambiguous/casual at this point? Or has the friendship/mental connection we've developed during this time going to turn it into a relationship? This thread seems really disorganized, but I guess I'm just looking to hear from others' experiences. If you've been on either side of something like this, I'd like some advice/input. It feels like we've been past that stage of just dating for awhile (since we've been dating so long), and are now really starting to develop a connection- but I have no experience with anything like this and don't know how I should play this out.

 

 

Ambiguous relationships can go on for years and if you want something more concrete, you can waste your time in these arrangements.

 

Usually they do not "turn into" a relationship. As if it was supposed to be a relationship and if someone was genuinely into you and wanted to be exclusive and committed they would be. I have been in the ambiguous thing before and trust me: it's because this person isn't 100% into you. As when a man wants to be with you he will have "the talk" and will make you his gf and there will be nothing confusing going on.

 

Ambiguous relationships are usually based on genuinely liking the person and convenience. They are not someone you're in love with or necessarily want to be committed to but you like them well enough and they're around and there is sex and fun and you just go along with the flow until something better comes along or until you're tired of it.

 

First off: if you cannot clarify your desires and intentions with this person that is enough evidence that this isn't a relationship that can progress as there is not even a foundation of communication and trust. Also, the truth often is that you KNOW deep down that nothing more will come of it so you're scared to ask because you don't want it to be confirmed and would rather hold on to this vague seeming something than to have it end completely when he tells you the truth that he never wants a relationship. At least now you can pretend...and trust me, I've been there doing the pretend relationship thing.

 

When a man is into you and wants a relationship he doesn't allow things to go on ambiguously. It has NEVER happened that way for me. Every boyfriend I have had has been someone who dated me and explicitly asked me to be his gf and be exclusive and it was clear we were on the same page and it happened within weeks of dating, not years. I've also done the FWB/ambiguous thing and that was also clear that they liked me and me them but usually neither of us or sometimes only one of us wants more and we're just both going along with it but we're not bf/gf, I don't know if they sleep with other people, we don't meet family etc. It's just there and then one day it ends. Many women esp though stay in these situations hoping to one day graduate to something serious/clear...it usually doesn't happen as chances are if it were going to happen, it would have happened already! A man doesn't need a year or more to figure out if he wants you as his gf. If he's sleeping with you and doing everything else but hasn't made it official, it's because he doesn't want to be in an official relationship. It can happen where eventually if you push or one day he's like "Alright why not" and makes it official...but would you want that? One of my ambiguous guys was like this, his 2 gfs before me were women he didn't really love but kinda liked, dated and then they pushed so he made it official but he was never truly invested. I ended it with him because I knew I deserved someone who was head over heels for me who couldn't wait to "claim me", not someone who liked me well enough, would have sex with me if I allowed it and if I pushed would resign and agree to be my bf.

Edited December 23, 2013 by MissBee

[FitChick]

Have you met his family and/or friends and has he met yours? Where are you both spending Christmas? With his family or yours or visiting both? If you are boyfriend and girlfriend, that should be happening in the normal course of events.