nj10018 Posted December 22, 2013 Share Posted December 22, 2013 my back story. Met my wife at work in 2003. started dating and after a year got engaged. got married in 2006 and had daughter in 2008. She was always VERY close to her family and when we dated i was the most important thing to her. Once we moved close to her family i took a backseat to everyone else and I withdrew and resented it. it also affected my relationship with my daughter as my wife always put her above me at all times. I also took advantage of the situation by not helping out as much as i could/should have. well come early this year my wife told me she didn't know if she wanted to be married to me anymore. It was a wake up call to me and I started to see a therapist and realized how important my wife and daughter were. I fought like hell to fix all the issues and for the most part I did. It still wasn't enough and my wife moved out to live with her parents in June. In July a tree fell on our house which she moved out of which made things even more complicated because it was hard for me to have my daughter stay over. I was really isolated for 4 months from the two of them. We also tried marriage counseling in march/april and that didnt help much. It turned into her using it as a vehicle to complain about everything i had done wrong for the last 5 years. She filed for divorce in August and then put it on hold in October and said she wanted to reconcile. The last 3 months got a little better but she still wouldn't stay over or even try to go on dates (my daughter still took priority) We sold our house a few weeks ago and I moved into a 2 bedroom apt close by her parents. Last week we got into a fight and I told her I couldn't take it anymore and asked her to take the divorce off hold. Now I am regretting pushing her to do this. My good friend/therapist/father all think i did the right thing but my heart cant let her go. It also kills me how little i will see my daughter once the divorce goes through. please let me know if I did the right thing or not. Link to post Share on other sites
revitup Posted December 22, 2013 Share Posted December 22, 2013 Sorry for the mess you are going through, Need more information,a lot more if you want anyone to really understand your choices. Feel for you in this but with the info you give- yes you should press for the D and see how it works out. What do you have to lose at this point? D will get visitation established not take it away. REV Link to post Share on other sites
Author nj10018 Posted December 23, 2013 Author Share Posted December 23, 2013 sorry for not posting more. here are my choices: give my wife as much time as she needs which could be another 6-8 months and there is no guarantee she will compromise or want me back. this all started in january and every so often i get anxiety and panic attacks. or start my life over and hope i find someone. my wife has been coddled her whole life and doesn't realize for the most part i was a good husband who just was a little detached. I still have strong feelings for although it could be i miss my daughter and am afraid of being alone. i know in my heart that we still love each other and there are still feelings both ways. She said she just forgive me for the past while i have been able to forgive her for making me the least important family member in her life. Link to post Share on other sites
ChinUp Posted December 23, 2013 Share Posted December 23, 2013 If you want the marriage - give her the time. However, she needs counseling - adults that can't separate from their parents is an issue. Not saying family shouldn't support you but I don't understand adults that get married but spend more time with mommy and daddy than their spouse. You should continue counseling and move forward in approriate areas in your life. If she isn't able to cut the cord and grow up there isn't anything you can do. But in the end you will know you did everything you could. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author nj10018 Posted December 23, 2013 Author Share Posted December 23, 2013 (edited) thats the crux of the problem in our marriage. she talks to her mother/father/sister 10+ times throughout the day. the ones that used to bother me was her having to call them right after dinner or they would call during dinner. Its my fault though i knew all this going in how close she was to them. In my stupidity i thought some of that love would transfer to me. Once we had our daughter it went back to the way she was before we started dating. she is a good person and a great mother. I just cant accept my reality. Edited December 23, 2013 by nj10018 Link to post Share on other sites
TheBladeRunner Posted December 23, 2013 Share Posted December 23, 2013 If you want the marriage - give her the time. However, she needs counseling - adults that can't separate from their parents is an issue. Not saying family shouldn't support you but I don't understand adults that get married but spend more time with mommy and daddy than their spouse. You should continue counseling and move forward in approriate areas in your life. If she isn't able to cut the cord and grow up there isn't anything you can do. But in the end you will know you did everything you could. I so get this! OP, I dealt with the same thing, always talking to mom and the co-dependent dad. It went so far as to where we moved closer to her mom; after awhile I have to admit that I resented this. Link to post Share on other sites
ChinUp Posted December 26, 2013 Share Posted December 26, 2013 In my case his mother was the problem and his inability to set any boundaries and build a life with me was the crux of our issue. Sad on so many levels! Link to post Share on other sites
strive Posted December 26, 2013 Share Posted December 26, 2013 it also affected my relationship with my daughter as my wife always put her above me at all times. (my daughter still took priority) I don't understand this part...are you saying you're jealous of your own daughter? That you resent her for putting your child's needs before yours? Link to post Share on other sites
Author nj10018 Posted December 27, 2013 Author Share Posted December 27, 2013 (edited) i dont think you understand. My wife never wanted to go away on vacation just the two of us. She wouldn't let me daughter on a plane until she was 3. We didn't go out on dates because her parents or sister were always too busy to babysit(no one else would be allowed to babysit because she didn't trust anyone else to watch our daughter). My wife did everything with my daughter. When i tried to give her a bath or read her a book at night my wife found a reason to be the one to do that kind of stuff. So I then withdrew. our relationship got stagnant because she was so devoted to my daughter. I've read a lot of articles that state to have a happy marriage your children sometimes shouldn't come first. There is such a thing as being too devoted to your children when it interferes with your spouse's wants and needs. And honestly it really was my wife's closeness to her immediate family that was the major problem not her relationship with my daughter. And I don't resent my daughter at all. She is the main reason I am able to go on. Edited December 27, 2013 by nj10018 Link to post Share on other sites
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