Rollercoaster Rider Posted December 22, 2013 Share Posted December 22, 2013 So...MOM and I ended things last week. Actually, I ended it two weeks ago but then started having second thoughts. Last Friday we talked and he said he couldn't do "this" anymore. He said it was too hard, carrying around two phones, making sure he is saying things at the right time, trying to get away to talk/ text. Told me the last time we went to lunch he almost had an anxiety attack, he doesn't want to get caught again. We have been together for 3.5 years, Dday was last August... his BS found out. Tells me his feelings are still there... he just can't continue. So... we said our Goodbyes. Before we go to hangup, he tells me he is turning in his workphone, which was our only way to communicate. Then proceeds to tell me.. if I need to talk or anything I can call his personal phone, Just call restricted. I told him I wouldn't be doing that, he said well you can call me if you want. To me.. over is over. We have ended things so many times I lost track. But this is the longest NC we have ever had... it's been 9 days. As much pain I am in, I know it needs to end, and I will not call.... just cannot understand why he would end with saying that?? Anyone have any ideas?? Thank you:( Link to post Share on other sites
WakingUp Posted December 22, 2013 Share Posted December 22, 2013 He doesn't believe it is over. That's why. He will say you can call me if you need me, as long as he can call you when he needs you. And that translates as.... when he is available, he could use a little ego stroking and some no strings sex. That's my experience. I have my cynical hat on today. Sorry to be blunt. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BrokenPrincess Posted December 22, 2013 Share Posted December 22, 2013 Because it's not ending because he doesn't care about you. He was probably babbling a bit to soften the blow of the finality (for both of you). Of course in reality you won't call him on that phone and he doesn't want the stress of keeping it secret, but it's hard to really say the absolute goodbye. (((Hugs))) 2 Link to post Share on other sites
violet1 Posted December 22, 2013 Share Posted December 22, 2013 So...MOM and I ended things last week. Actually, I ended it two weeks ago but then started having second thoughts. Last Friday we talked and he said he couldn't do "this" anymore. He said it was too hard, carrying around two phones, making sure he is saying things at the right time, trying to get away to talk/ text. Told me the last time we went to lunch he almost had an anxiety attack, he doesn't want to get caught again. We have been together for 3.5 years, Dday was last August... his BS found out. Tells me his feelings are still there... he just can't continue. So... we said our Goodbyes. Before we go to hangup, he tells me he is turning in his workphone, which was our only way to communicate. Then proceeds to tell me.. if I need to talk or anything I can call his personal phone, Just call restricted. I told him I wouldn't be doing that, he said well you can call me if you want. To me.. over is over. We have ended things so many times I lost track. But this is the longest NC we have ever had... it's been 9 days. As much pain I am in, I know it needs to end, and I will not call.... just cannot understand why he would end with saying that?? Anyone have any ideas?? Thank you:( Hmmm...my guess is he's telling you to call his personal phone because he knows you wouldn't do that. Some people like to play mind games like that. He's also likely keeping the door open to start the A back up in the future. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rollercoaster Rider Posted December 22, 2013 Author Share Posted December 22, 2013 Hmmm...my guess is he's telling you to call his personal phone because he knows you wouldn't do that. Some people like to play mind games like that. He's also likely keeping the door open to start the A back up in the future. Good thought... but he knows I will do that. Have done it before, once his BS removed the block from his phone... Link to post Share on other sites
Cinnimon Posted December 23, 2013 Share Posted December 23, 2013 I would assume,because we know they don't want to be seen as the A-holes they really are, that it could possibly be so that if you do ever speak again he can say he never cut you out of his life, after all he did say you could call him. Get it? Manipulation at it's best. Stay strong friend. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mickey_Fitzpatrick Posted December 23, 2013 Share Posted December 23, 2013 It's really hard to say without knowing the guy, but in general I don't think guys are that complicated. I would bet that he's not sitting around dissecting every word YOU said during your last conversation. Is it not possible that he meant exactly what he said, that you could call him if you needed to talk? You don't post much about him, but is he the type to say what he means, or is he always beating around the bush, so to speak? When I was a kid I remember my sister and her friends dissecting every single word some boy said to them. It was never as complicated as they thought it was. If this guy wanted to break it off, he would have said, "don't call me anymore, it's over," not "call me if you need me." He had a D-day, that didn't end his affair, now he is "anxious" about getting caught, but in my opinion he wants to leave the door open, he doesn't want to burn his bridges, he is not ready to completely and finally end it. I think he will be ready for more contact in a week or two. I think you should expect a call within a week or two to see if you are OK and how you are doing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rollercoaster Rider Posted December 23, 2013 Author Share Posted December 23, 2013 It's really hard to say without knowing the guy, but in general I don't think guys are that complicated. I would bet that he's not sitting around dissecting every word YOU said during your last conversation. Is it not possible that he meant exactly what he said, that you could call him if you needed to talk? You don't post much about him, but is he the type to say what he means, or is he always beating around the bush, so to speak? When I was a kid I remember my sister and her friends dissecting every single word some boy said to them. It was never as complicated as they thought it was. If this guy wanted to break it off, he would have said, "don't call me anymore, it's over," not "call me if you need me." He had a D-day, that didn't end his affair, now he is "anxious" about getting caught, but in my opinion he wants to leave the door open, he doesn't want to burn his bridges, he is not ready to completely and finally end it. I think he will be ready for more contact in a week or two. I think you should expect a call within a week or two to see if you are OK and how you are doing. I honestly don't know what type he is anymore. I use to trust every word he said... now I have no idea! I think he has a tendency to beat around the bush...he doesn't want to be the bad guy. It's funny because right before he tells me to call if i need anything... he says I think it's time to say Goodbye... I think that's where my confusion comes in. I will post a background soon.. maybe that will actually help me through this healing process. Thank you :-) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Nothisgirl Posted December 23, 2013 Share Posted December 23, 2013 I honestly don't know what type he is anymore. I use to trust every word he said... now I have no idea! I think he has a tendency to beat around the bush...he doesn't want to be the bad guy. It's funny because right before he tells me to call if i need anything... he says I think it's time to say Goodbye... I think that's where my confusion comes in. I will post a background soon.. maybe that will actually help me through this healing process. Thank you :-) Re:the bolded...your intuition is telling you something...please listen to it. I think she said that because he doesn't really want the affair to be over...HOWEVER, are you willing to settle for even less of him? Because that's what's going to happen now that he is turning in that phone you deserve so much more 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rollercoaster Rider Posted December 24, 2013 Author Share Posted December 24, 2013 He doesn't believe it is over. That's why. He will say you can call me if you need me, as long as he can call you when he needs you. And that translates as.... when he is available, he could use a little ego stroking and some no strings sex. That's my experience. I have my cynical hat on today. Sorry to be blunt. Blunt is what I'm looking for!! I'm convinced he's done, maybe was just trying to be nice..LMAO!!!!! It's been 10 days and not a word. Praying he doesn't come out of nowhere... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rollercoaster Rider Posted December 24, 2013 Author Share Posted December 24, 2013 Because it's not ending because he doesn't care about you. He was probably babbling a bit to soften the blow of the finality (for both of you). Of course in reality you won't call him on that phone and he doesn't want the stress of keeping it secret, but it's hard to really say the absolute goodbye. (((Hugs))) Goodbye sucks!!! But, it has been hard, very different after d-day. I know it's for the best :-) Hopefully this crap feeling goes away.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rollercoaster Rider Posted December 24, 2013 Author Share Posted December 24, 2013 Re:the bolded...your intuition is telling you something...please listen to it. I think she said that because he doesn't really want the affair to be over...HOWEVER, are you willing to settle for even less of him? Because that's what's going to happen now that he is turning in that phone you deserve so much more The rational part of me knows he's not good for me. The hurting part wants to talk to him... it's crappy. I am not willing to settle for anymore less...I have been doing that for a year now, talk about killing your self esteem. I do deserve more :-) Day by day... that's all I can do. Emotions change daily!! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Whisper Quiet Posted December 24, 2013 Share Posted December 24, 2013 The rational part of me knows he's not good for me. The hurting part wants to talk to him... it's crappy. I am not willing to settle for anymore less...I have been doing that for a year now, talk about killing your self esteem. I do deserve more :-) Day by day... that's all I can do. Emotions change daily!! ^^^^^ Simple as this. Not complicated at all. Stay strong and don't settle for less. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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