Emotional difficulty..

[heylovey22]

Hey there,

 

I just maybe wanted some help/insight as communication with me and my MM has died much recently. He attributes it to his new job and being extremely busy + holiday time, etc. I do believe that... but I also believe it's easy to text and let me know he's at least thinking of me once in a while.

 

Months ago he would text me all day, even wonder when/why if I hadn't texted him back. I would get a text as soon as he woke up saying he was thinking of me/wishes he was cuddling me, I would get goodnight texts. I would get "what're you doing/thinking of you/how's your night" texts... but now I don't really get much of anything and it sucks.

 

I did "confront" him this morning, if I can call it that. We had some small talk, about xmas shopping etc, and then the convo went something like this (4:30am, by the way which is his normal wakeup time usually)

 

Me: Why don't you go back to bed babe?

Him: Can't sleep, bad dreams.

Me: About what?

Him: Nothing.

Me: Tell me... please?

Him: I don't tell people my dreams.

Me: Why are you so closed off lately? You don't have to be... you should be able to talk to me about anything. You used to.

Him: I do sometimes.

Me: No you don't. We don't talk much anymore, you don't talk about feelings or what your doing or ask about me. Busy or not, you don't speak to me the way you used to.

Him: Not true.

Me: Yes, it is true. I can't change it but it sucks. I miss you, I really do. And I guess I can't really talk to you about it.

Him: You can talk to me about anything

Me: No, I can't. Last time I did that you told me I disappointed you and it hurts too much to hear that. (I had told him previously I missed him bc he doesn't make time for me anymore.) I'm going to sleep now. Goodnight babe.

Him: Goodnight.

 

And of course after that response, I'd felt like I wasted my words. It just sucks. Like, what the hell. Butthen when we see each other he's very sweet and he's always saying "I can't wait until things aren't this crazy, looking forward to spending more time with you." But guess what, he doesn't work on weekends and a text message here or there takes a few seconds. I'd asked him if he wanted to continue seeing me, and said that I respected his feelings either way. It's more of an emotional relationship/friendship anyway, we're only physical once in a blue moon. Anyway, he said no, that of course he wanted to keep seeing me.

 

I think I'm planning on walking away from this soon anyway, because at this point he's not giving me anything at all- whereas I used to be satisfied with the little appreciation and attention I was receiving prior. I don't sit him and wait for his texts or calls, I go out and I'm fine for the most part... but yes, it does hurt sometimes and it bothers me that in a matter of a month he's gone from all over me to not all over me. He will say he's crazy about me and at the same time be cold and "busy". He knows I don't play games. We both know this wouldn't last anyway- I'm already getting scraps and I don't need or want to stay to be treated this way.

 

Any input? Should I see if NC works or just wait until his workload dies? Keep in mind I've generally been satisfied with the R, usually because we have little to no expectation and know it's going to end soon when I move. Ah, weird thoughts tonight I guess... Just miss him. I guess I don't understand why he's acting this way if he wants to keep seeing me as he says. I've already told him I can walk away from this easy if it's not what he wants, so I don't think he's got the whole "she'll always be there" mindframe... because I won't. I'm great at NC and walking away when time comes (maybe soon!? ha) I'm all back and forth.

Edited December 23, 2013 by heylovey22

[Rollercoaster Rider]

Hey there,

 

I just maybe wanted some help/insight as communication with me and my MM has died much recently. He attributes it to his new job and being extremely busy + holiday time, etc. I do believe that... but I also believe it's easy to text and let me know he's at least thinking of me once in a while.

 

Months ago he would text me all day, even wonder when/why if I hadn't texted him back. I would get a text as soon as he woke up saying he was thinking of me/wishes he was cuddling me, I would get goodnight texts. I would get "what're you doing/thinking of you/how's your night" texts... but now I don't really get much of anything and it sucks.

 

I did "confront" him this morning, if I can call it that. We had some small talk, about xmas shopping etc, and then the convo went something like this (4:30am, by the way which is his normal wakeup time usually)

 

Me: Why don't you go back to bed babe?

Him: Can't sleep, bad dreams.

Me: About what?

Him: Nothing.

Me: Tell me... please?

Him: I don't tell people my dreams.

Me: Why are you so closed off lately? You don't have to be... you should be able to talk to me about anything. You used to.

Him: I do sometimes.

Me: No you don't. We don't talk much anymore, you don't talk about feelings or what your doing or ask about me. Busy or not, you don't speak to me the way you used to.

Him: Not true.

Me: Yes, it is true. I can't change it but it sucks. I miss you, I really do. And I guess I can't really talk to you about it.

Him: You can talk to me about anything

Me: No, I can't. Last time I did that you told me I disappointed you and it hurts too much to hear that. (I had told him previously I missed him bc he doesn't make time for me anymore.) I'm going to sleep now. Goodnight babe.

Him: Goodnight.

 

And of course after that response, I'd felt like I wasted my words. It just sucks. Like, what the hell. Butthen when we see each other he's very sweet and he's always saying "I can't wait until things aren't this crazy, looking forward to spending more time with you." But guess what, he doesn't work on weekends and a text message here or there takes a few seconds. I'd asked him if he wanted to continue seeing me, and said that I respected his feelings either way. It's more of an emotional relationship/friendship anyway, we're only physical once in a blue moon. Anyway, he said no, that of course he wanted to keep seeing me.

 

I think I'm planning on walking away from this soon anyway, because at this point he's not giving me anything at all- whereas I used to be satisfied with the little appreciation and attention I was receiving prior. I don't sit him and wait for his texts or calls, I go out and I'm fine for the most part... but yes, it does hurt sometimes and it bothers me that in a matter of a month he's gone from all over me to not all over me. He will say he's crazy about me and at the same time be cold and "busy". He knows I don't play games. We both know this wouldn't last anyway- I'm already getting scraps and I don't need or want to stay to be treated this way.

 

Any input? Should I see if NC works or just wait until his workload dies? Keep in mind I've generally been satisfied with the R, usually because we have little to no expectation and know it's going to end soon when I move. Ah, weird thoughts tonight I guess... Just miss him. I guess I don't understand why he's acting this way if he wants to keep seeing me as he says. I've already told him I can walk away from this easy if it's not what he wants, so I don't think he's got the whole "she'll always be there" mindframe... because I won't. I'm great at NC and walking away when time comes (maybe soon!? ha) I'm all back and forth.

This is about the same way mine started to act. I couldn't handle it anymore. So hard to.go.from having so much more time together and contact, to bits here and there. I ended it for this reason, which actually turned out to be mutual. He said he couldn't handle things anymore.

Hopefully you find what makes you happy... I wouldn't suggest waiting for his workflow to die down. If he wants you in his life regardless... there should be time.... :-)

[Cinnimon]

I am telling you it's like they follow a script!!!!

Your not crazy, he is pulling back. Turn yours and walk away.

Sorry, I know it feels just awful....

[BrokenPrincess]

Mine started to act like this too when we were very underground. I didn't have the guts to bring it up though, til I finally did and that's when he broke it off, saying he couldn't handle the stress & guilt anymore. He's pulling away...the best thing you can do for yourself is make the break now & with your head held high. I wish I would've but I kept pushing it off, thinking it would get better. This is a slow, crazy-making death of the relationship while he weans himself off you.

[Rollercoaster Rider]

Mine started to act like this too when we were very underground. I didn't have the guts to bring it up though, til I finally did and that's when he broke it off, saying he couldn't handle the stress & guilt anymore. He's pulling away...the best thing you can do for yourself is make the break now & with your head held high. I wish I would've but I kept pushing it off, thinking it would get better. This is a slow, crazy-making death of the relationship while he weans himself off you.

Was your last contact with him that final email saying goodbye? My situation sounds similar to yours... I am only 9 days NC, but I sit and wonder will he reach out again?? I know i cannot talk to him..just anxiety kicking in wondering....

[heylovey22]

No, we never said goodbye. He had said yesterday that he wanted to keep seeing me but doesn't act like it.

 

I actually just shot him a text and said "Hey, just want to let you know that I get it. I'll be gone. Have a great Christmas. Xo"

 

You know... I'm tired of hanging around and feeling unwanted. I'm sure he will be like "what are you talking about" but I'm just not gonna talk to him for a bit. Will be casual if he shows at my job. If he really wants me in his life, he'll come back around and make sure I'm in it.

 

This is actually drastic for me. Wasn't planning on going out this way (or this soon) but something just pinched me as I'm laying in bed. Will keep you guys updated... Thanks for the support. I'm hurtin'.

[violet1]

No, we never said goodbye. He had said yesterday that he wanted to keep seeing me but doesn't act like it.

 

I actually just shot him a text and said "Hey, just want to let you know that I get it. I'll be gone. Have a great Christmas. Xo"

 

You know... I'm tired of hanging around and feeling unwanted. I'm sure he will be like "what are you talking about" but I'm just not gonna talk to him for a bit. Will be casual if he shows at my job. If he really wants me in his life, he'll come back around and make sure I'm in it.

 

This is actually drastic for me. Wasn't planning on going out this way (or this soon) but something just pinched me as I'm laying in bed. Will keep you guys updated... Thanks for the support. I'm hurtin'.

 

You need to stick to NC. This will turn into a nonstop, vicious cycle. In order for a married person to keep an affair going, they have to constantly compartmentalize. He has to keep things at home the same. As soon as he feels too deep of a connection with you, he'll pull away. He can't let his wife suspect any change so he'll keep you at arm's length when needed. It's having a double life. His home life is number 1 and you are number 2. However, as soon as he feels you pull away, he'll be showering you with attention. Once he think you're content in the A again, the cycle starts all over. There is only one way to end the madness.

[Whisper Quiet]

You need to stick to NC. This will turn into a nonstop, vicious cycle. In order for a married person to keep an affair going, they have to constantly compartmentalize. He has to keep things at home the same. As soon as he feels too deep of a connection with you, he'll pull away. He can't let his wife suspect any change so he'll keep you at arm's length when needed. It's having a double life. His home life is number 1 and you are number 2. However, as soon as he feels you pull away, he'll be showering you with attention. Once he think you're content in the A again, the cycle starts all over. There is only one way to end the madness.

 

This. Be strong about NC. He will likely try to pull you back in when he needs a little ego stroke, feels stressed at home, etc.

 

Remember you deserve more than crumbs.

 

You should be a priority not an option.

[heylovey22]

His response was "huh? Did I do something?"

 

I know he's legit surprised/confused. I know he's legit busy. I know he legit cares... But I just don't know.

[ElectricTangerine]

His response was "huh? Did I do something?"

 

I know he's legit surprised/confused. I know he's legit busy. I know he legit cares... But I just don't know.

 

Bottom line, you're not a priority to him. If he's busy, he makes time for work and family and you get left out. He may care about you, but you're just his side girl and breadcrumbs when it's convenient for him is the best you get. You deserve more than that!

[blue963]

It isn't so much as its the slow death of a relationship, its the death of you. You begin to constantly assess the situation and try to make a decision or what to do because you are feeling this way. It eats up all of your mental energy and emotions that should be used to live you life that you have put on hold.

[blue963]

I have this issue intermittently. It is interesting because I pretty much respond whenever he emails me. If I have a day where I am tired of it all and just do my own thing and ignore him, he we ask me if everything is OK. If the shoe where on the other foot, it would be totally justified because "he" is busy. I know he would be put off if I asked him that. This is the only reason I would end it. It is hard on a woman emotionally to give fully to a man when he just doesnt take time for her. This causes so much conflict within, and I dont think they realize that. My MM right now is going thru a difficult time with the holiday because he has lost is mom a few years ago and his father this year. First holidays without him. He is also has no brothers or sisters himself and no children (children tend to ease the pain with the distractions). So its hard for me because I know to a certain extent I do need to make some allowances because he also has a very emotionally mind/mentally draining work too with only 1 weekend off per month. But there are limits to which you will be treated. 10 minutes of contact in one day just isn't enough for me. I guess it really comes down to how much I can respect myself and hold boundaries on what I deserve. Always a work in progress.

[Nothisgirl]

His response was "huh? Did I do something?"

 

I know he's legit surprised/confused. I know he's legit busy. I know he legit cares... But I just don't know.

 

He's not legitimately surprised...he knows he's pulling back and now he's being passive aggressive about it because you're calling him on his bull****....STICK TO NC. You must, you deserve so so much more that his crumbs....

 

I love what violet said: you should be a PRIORITY NOT AN OPTION

 

((Hugs)) I know it's so hard

[BrokenPrincess]

Was your last contact with him that final email saying goodbye? My situation sounds similar to yours... I am only 9 days NC, but I sit and wonder will he reach out again?? I know i cannot talk to him..just anxiety kicking in wondering....

 

Yes that was it and I never responded. What is there to say? He doesn't want to be with me. It's been 7 months since that email and I still wondered if I would hear from him, especially after some major stuff went down at our jobs (we used to work together) but he never did. I don't expect him too either because I really feel like by the time he ended it, he had used the time to make peace with that decision. It still hurts but I try not to dwell on it. When I feel like breaking NC, I remind myself F HIM, he doesn't even deserve to know how I'm doing in the aftermath. First priority is to try to protect myself from any more heartbreak. It's hard when the urges come but with time they are much more infrequent. Hang in there, one day at a time xxx

[violet1]

His response was "huh? Did I do something?"

 

I know he's legit surprised/confused. I know he's legit busy. I know he legit cares... But I just don't know.

 

This speaks volumes. You've discussed with him that you need more communication. He either doesn't listen or your needs are just not that important to him. I'm not saying he doesn't care, he probably does in his own way. You've already expressed to him what you need and he's not following through with it. You're right it only takes a second to send a simple text. Again, he's not willing to do that and you're left in the dust feeling frustrated. It's not going to change sweetie. Please stick to NC.

[Cinnimon]

"Have I done something"?

Well no, you've done nothing, that's part of the problem, and what's worse is your getting better and better at it. $&@/%#

[heylovey22]

"Have I done something"?

Well no, you've done nothing, that's part of the problem, and what's worse is your getting better and better at it. $&@/%#

 

Yeah... That's just it. Oh boy. Merry Xmas to me... This is gonna be tough.

[Cinnimon]

Yeah... That's just it. Oh boy. Merry Xmas to me... This is gonna be tough.

 

I'm sorry

[Nothisgirl]

Yeah... That's just it. Oh boy. Merry Xmas to me... This is gonna be tough.

 

Sending you strength...I totally understand how you're feeling

 

 

Too bad we couldn't have an OW wellness and wine retreat over the holidays lol

[Cinnimon]

Sending you strength...I totally understand how you're feeling

 

 

Too bad we couldn't have an OW wellness and wine retreat over the holidays lol

 

Yes, yes and yes. Although I'm thinking we'd all end up going from mm house to mm house with fire torches looking to " kill the monster"

( Frankenstein reference)

[heylovey22]

Back to square one.

 

He didn't text me all day, but did come by my job (I expected this). I was very standoffish at first, but did say hi to him and his friends. He was standoffish too, it hurt but I figured he was pissed about the text last night (he was).

 

At one point he turned around and was like "I thought you weren't talking to me anymore?" and I couldn't figure out what to say so I just shrugged my shoulders. He was like "what the **** was all of that about? Because I'm too busy? Really?" And then he walked away and went to the bathroom.

 

Later on I went back to the bar to sit by them and he just looked at me (lovingly) and said "I'm so disappointed in you." and I replied "Really? You're gonna keep telling me that?" and he was like "Yes. I am disappointed. What do I need to do to convince you? Tell me. What?" and I wanted to cry so I walked away. [Keep in mind, he was saying all of these things to me in public, in front of everyone. Nobody was listening as they were holding their own convos, but definitely in earshot.]

 

Later on I walked back in and kept my distance from him, I was upset. He went to the bathroom. I sat in his seat talking to his friend/my customer about BS. MM comes back and his friend starts talking to someone else. He looks at me and says "Stop the bull****, please. I am crazy about you, my feelings for you aren't going to change... that's not the kind of person I am. You mean the ****ing world to me." and I replied "I don't believe you, things are different now" and he said "I am so overwhelmed by this new job, I'm stressed, I try to take a break from my phone. It's not you. It's NEVER been about you. You are so important to me- you mean the world to me. I mean it." and he grabbed me and hugged me.

 

It felt great to hear that, feel that, and in front of public where anyone could really have heard him. On the way out he gave me a kiss on the cheek and a huge hug and said into my ear "I'm crazy about you."

 

I do just want to talk to him for a few but I know at the moment he's busy picking his kids up/hitting the gym/going home, etc. You know, I don't need much from him and this relationship. It'd be nice to speak to him a few times a day like we used to, lunch/dinner once in a while. I don't feel used or like he only wants me for sex seeing as that literally only happens once in a blue moon. I think if he honestly didn't care about me he could let me go really easy, and would (seeing how annoying/needy I am... RIGHT??). He would be easily able to avoid me or cut contact. I don't know. I don't need much, and I don't expect to be with him. When I move it will be easy and clean... I'm so ridiculously excited to move and start my career and I will have so much to look forward to so I'm not really worried about it being a problem in the future. Sigh. I guess we'll see.

[beach]

His response was "huh? Did I do something?"

 

I know he's legit surprised/confused. I know he's legit busy. I know he legit cares... But I just don't know.

 

He's not surprised - come on - he's married.

 

He is busy - but no one is too busy when they are interested and making effort for someone.

 

But - he's married!

 

Date an available man.

 

He likes you stroking his ego...don't contact him anymore.

[Rollercoaster Rider]

Yes that was it and I never responded. What is there to say? He doesn't want to be with me. It's been 7 months since that email and I still wondered if I would hear from him, especially after some major stuff went down at our jobs (we used to work together) but he never did. I don't expect him too either because I really feel like by the time he ended it, he had used the time to make peace with that decision. It still hurts but I try not to dwell on it. When I feel like breaking NC, I remind myself F HIM, he doesn't even deserve to know how I'm doing in the aftermath. First priority is to try to protect myself from any more heartbreak. It's hard when the urges come but with time they are much more infrequent. Hang in there, one day at a time xxx

Wow.. your situation sounds alot like mine. We worked together too, he was laid off last year..me two months ago. I thought about your post alot today.. as I looked at the phone waiting for it to ring. I think he has done the same... he weened himself ... I felt it. Still fresh...but man it burns me up!! I did well all day and then it hit me hard... so pissed!!

Thank you for sharing :-)

[beach]

Back to square one.

 

He didn't text me all day, but did come by my job (I expected this). I was very standoffish at first, but did say hi to him and his friends. He was standoffish too, it hurt but I figured he was pissed about the text last night (he was).

 

At one point he turned around and was like "I thought you weren't talking to me anymore?" and I couldn't figure out what to say so I just shrugged my shoulders. He was like "what the **** was all of that about? Because I'm too busy? Really?" And then he walked away and went to the bathroom.

 

Later on I went back to the bar to sit by them and he just looked at me (lovingly) and said "I'm so disappointed in you." and I replied "Really? You're gonna keep telling me that?" and he was like "Yes. I am disappointed. What do I need to do to convince you? Tell me. What?" and I wanted to cry so I walked away. [Keep in mind, he was saying all of these things to me in public, in front of everyone. Nobody was listening as they were holding their own convos, but definitely in earshot.]

 

Later on I walked back in and kept my distance from him, I was upset. He went to the bathroom. I sat in his seat talking to his friend/my customer about BS. MM comes back and his friend starts talking to someone else. He looks at me and says "Stop the bull****, please. I am crazy about you, my feelings for you aren't going to change... that's not the kind of person I am. You mean the ****ing world to me." and I replied "I don't believe you, things are different now" and he said "I am so overwhelmed by this new job, I'm stressed, I try to take a break from my phone. It's not you. It's NEVER been about you. You are so important to me- you mean the world to me. I mean it." and he grabbed me and hugged me.

 

It felt great to hear that, feel that, and in front of public where anyone could really have heard him. On the way out he gave me a kiss on the cheek and a huge hug and said into my ear "I'm crazy about you."

 

I do just want to talk to him for a few but I know at the moment he's busy picking his kids up/hitting the gym/going home, etc. You know, I don't need much from him and this relationship. It'd be nice to speak to him a few times a day like we used to, lunch/dinner once in a while. I don't feel used or like he only wants me for sex seeing as that literally only happens once in a blue moon. I think if he honestly didn't care about me he could let me go really easy, and would (seeing how annoying/needy I am... RIGHT??). He would be easily able to avoid me or cut contact. I don't know. I don't need much, and I don't expect to be with him. When I move it will be easy and clean... I'm so ridiculously excited to move and start my career and I will have so much to look forward to so I'm not really worried about it being a problem in the future. Sigh. I guess we'll see.

 

You respond to his breadcrumbs. This guy is a total jerk and yanking your chain because you allow it!

 

Why don't you want more for yourself?

[heylovey22]

You respond to his breadcrumbs. This guy is a total jerk and yanking your chain because you allow it!

 

Why don't you want more for yourself?

 

I don't think he's a total jerk. And I do want more for myself... this isn't going to be a lifelong relationship.

 

But I do feel the need to just back off. I asked him to chat for a few and he never responded. So then I'd said "I mean the world to you... my ass." and right away he answers "?" so I said "You're unbelievable" and he responds "you're mean". So I respond "I'm mean? You just gave me all that crap and then you won't give me 5 minutes of your time? And you wonder why I question everything?" He never answered.

 

I really have half a mind to just "yell" at him and say everything I want to say all at once... but I don't know if that's worth it. Maybe I should just write it and then throw it away. ugh. ****.

 

I did send him a text after that saying "I'll believe you when I stop getting breadcrumbs". :x oops ha

Edited December 24, 2013 by heylovey22