Massive Trigger

[RightThere]

Now I'm a little miffed. I understand he is sick BUT he couldn't have just text and said something? Like it's okay if he just leaves me hanging because he is sick. NO.NO.NO

 

You don't deserve that. Initially I was in the camp of "don't contact him at all" but I'm glad you did so you could confirm he's just being a douche.

 

He didn't even apologize for not contacting you. i.e. you weren't important enough to him.

 

If he treats you like this after a couple of dates, time to move on.

 

The next one will be really nice, I promise.

[halfalive]

Maybe you should date more than one man while trying to go through the loss of the one you really loved?

 

At least that way you could have lots of men spoiling you and wanting your attention. Nothing wrong with being spoiled right?

 

Clay

 

I love this idea! I say do it - I wish I could.

[Cinnimon]

So do you buy that guys reasoning for not calling you and bailing on your date?

 

Just was curious

 

Clay

Do I buy it? Maybe. Do I think it's a good excuse, no I don't !! Am I flip flopping back and forth as to handle it or NOT handle it , yes I am!

[ElectricTangerine]

Do I buy it? Maybe. Do I think it's a good excuse, no I don't !! Am I flip flopping back and forth as to handle it or NOT handle it , yes I am!

 

It's bothering you and causing you to dwell on it. I say DO handle it, ask the dude why he did that. It's early, but in a relationship you should be able to express whatever's on your mind. It's better to start cleaning up issues as they arise from the very beginning than keep it in and build resentment over a longer period of time.

 

Not contacting you or apologizing was wrong of him, so you have every right to a better explanation about what was in his head. Let him know that it bothered you.

[findingnemo]

So I'm here tonight because I am having a massive trigger tonight.

Here it is. So you all know I went on a date with the single guy. Had a great time. Since then he has taken me out on 2 more dates, again had a great time. Friday night he called me out of the blue and asked me if I want to come over to his house and watch a movie and play some pool with his teenage son and the sons girlfriend. I went and again had a great time , wound up taking the kids to look at christmas lights and watched a christmas movie and then I went home. Before the Friday night date came about, we had already made plans to go to the movies on Saturday night.

Anyway, so Saturday comes and he ends up calling me around 3 in the pm and tells me that some friends were coming in from out of town and would I mind going to dinner with them instead of the movies? I said yes, that's fine, he says great, I will call you in a bit with the details, I say okay.

He never called. So I found myself wondering WTH and if I should contact him or let it be. I decided that something must have came up (this is me BSing my self right here!!! ) and I just stayed home and watched a movie alone.

Today, I have not heard one word from him, not a call, not a text not a anything, and I again I refuse to call or text him.

Last night and today I have felt like I did when I was the OW, always waiting on a call or a text. It has for some reason brought thoughts of xmm and our A right back to the front of my mind!!!

I'm not liking this and I am not happy about it at all.

Opinions PLEASE!

 

Hey Cinnamon,

 

The part in bold above is an automatic response to not hearing from single guy. I personally don't advocate dating soon after ending an A because being in one changes the way one approaches, interacts with and understands the opposite sex. I don't know when you ended the A but I would like to suggest a number of things about this situation.

 

1. Don't wait for a call from single man. I wouldn't call him though. Especially not to complain about him not calling or getting back to you about a lunch with his pals. He is an adult and he knows better. Just take this as strike one against him. Don't over analyze his reasons. You can't know what happened. Perhaps something serious but he obviously is lacking in the communication department. This isn't about you. You didn't do anything wrong. You waited for his follow up call and he didn't call you period. You can calmly ask him why when he calls. If he doesn't call...ever...then that's his problem and you're well rid of someone who has bad manners.

 

2. When we are back to dating single guys, standard dating rules must apply. It is hard, believe me I know. But we are now dating single people with free will. There is just no excuse for him disappearing on you like that. He knows it and don't let him pretend otherwise when he calls. At the same time, this disappearing act is common when dating. I don't know why but I do know that as a single lady, there will be a lot of Prince look-alikes who will turn out to be frogs.

 

3. One problem some fOWs have is a tendency to give too much in terms of our time and love. Being with a MP will do that to you if you're single. You inevitably start compromising every which way because it may be the only way you get to see the person you love/like. That's the road to perdition when single and dating single guys.

 

I hate dating because I have grown a bit too old for the nonsense. Take it slow. Indulge yourself in your newfound freedom. And realize that many men you will meet, however single, are bound to be problematic. If you expect it, then you will develop quick exit strategies and the ability to call it as it is. There's no need for you to go from a painful A to a painful R with a single guy.

 

And as for triggers, I don't see how this is a real trigger since the situation is different. To accept it as a trigger is to somehow think that you are the problem since men tend to make you wait and wait for their calls. Now you know that this isn't true, right?

[blue963]

Yes ZMM she could have texted him, but then it would look/feel like she was chasing/being needy.

[findingnemo]

When I first posted I hadn't seen that you had contacted him already. Too sick to call or text? Plausible. The way he explained it seems he is not particularly concerned about it. This could be because in his mind you two aren't an item yet. Maybe it never occurred to him. Whatever the case, my advice still stands. Enjoy your single life. And as someone else said, let him woo you. Don't be so available to him.

[winny]

When am sick sometimes I spend my whole day on my iPad or cell phone because that's all I can do... Even when one is sick unless the doctor has put you on sleeping pills... It's the easiest thing to do... To chat or text friends while u r lying on bed unable to move....

 

I wouldn't buy his story.

He made plans with u... He should have cancelled if he wasn't feeling well.

 

DO NOT contact him again.

If he contacts you be very very cautious.

[Clay]

I just don't think that is decent. Especially at the beginning of a relationship. I think you deserve better.

 

Clay

[ZMM]

Yes ZMM she could have texted him, but then it would look/feel like she was chasing/being needy.

 

Maybe you have to worry about that, but if I had an actual scheduled date and I just blew it off, I would expect my date to call or text and see what's the deal. Just to make sure I wasn't dead or something. But, I guess that's the dating game.

[TheBladeRunner]

Hmmmmm........I have had this same issue. It took me 30 seconds to type this and post it. Surely he could have texted to tell you he was sick.

[Lovingsomeone2013]

If he was that sick that he couldn't give you a courtesy text to let you know he wasn't feeling well then he damn straight better have had his butt at the doctors already. I don't buy it for a second, he bailed on you for one reason or another, you may or may not ever know or find out why, but the fact of the matter is that he could have called you and he didn't. He obviously isn't that sick to the point of not being able to correspond if he did text you back after you texted him. I hate when guys pull this crap (no doubt women do to), it's inconsiderate and they always seem to pull something where if you say something about it then you end up looking like the bad guy, i.e. if you say something after he's said he was sick.

 

I would not contact him again, let him contact you and if he does I'd be cautious, don't jump right away, if he asks you out say for Friday night tell him no Saturday would work better. Let him cater to you after he flaked and bailed on you. Guys (and again likely women too) pull this crap all too often where they think they can dictate what's going to happen and don't bother taking into consideration the other persons feelings.

[Versacehottie]

You were really nice in asking how he was and if everything was ok. Once he assured you he was alive and breathing, you should have used the opportunity to say something, not psycho, but definitely let him know that it was not ok to flake without notifying you. Something you can do in the future if this sort of situation arises again.

 

People set patterns of how they allow others to treat them. By this happening and only showing concern for him not voicing your disapproval of how he handled it, your value may actually go down in his eyes. Make sure to see yourself as an equal with a say in things.

 

P.S. I'm not buying his story either. Don't think it necessarily is anything scandalous, like he was on a date with another girl--though it could be. He probably just got caught up with his friends and may have realized things are moving pretty fast with you both and that it was not vital to include you in the evening. That's all ok--had he processed that in his head BEFORE he asked you to join. To ask you and then try to get away with bailing on you by ignoring you is disrespectful. Since you missed the opportunity to set him straight when you were texting, you should do it by not contacting him and when & if he contacts you, make him work his way back in. Not in psycho, immature way, just in a calm way that you have reservations about a person who would treat you this way. Pause, silence, let him fill in the blank. Not a lot of words needed from you. Good luck.

[Phantom888]

No one is too sick to text, unless he had flesh eating bacteria that destroyed his fingers. Even then he can call and voice-text. Sorry...he is not interested. When I lose interest in a new woman, I make up lame excuses like that. I am ashamed of it, but that's what men do. I wish men would just call and tell you how we feel, but then we end up feeling really bad, and that discourages us from doing the right thing. Sorry.

[writergal]

I"ve been able to text people while in the midst of episodes of food poisoning (it's important to text people "I think I'm dying after eating that hamburger"), in between puking my brains out from the flu, post-surgery like Zahara, and while waiting in the emergency room to see a doctor after being hit by a car while riding my mountain bike.

 

So, if I can text people with a swollen, injured brain...that guy could have easily texted you with a sore throat. I"m not buying his story at all. And neither should you. I hope you don't give him a second chance. What he did was disrespectful and shows that you're not a priority in his life.

Edited December 24, 2013 by writergal

[Cinnimon]

Well......Here is an update on my single guy.........crickets chirping........That's right, nothing!!!

 

Heard not another word from him again today, so guess what , I don't want to hear from him anymore. I have no idea why or what happened to cause him to stop his contact but whatever the reason, he could have just said hey, this isn't working for me BUT at this point, I don't really care. I've already deleted his number from my phone so I am not tempted to tell him what a jerk I think he is for just hanging me out to dry. Thank you everyone for your input. I appreciated it very much.

The end.

[vanellope]

Hi C, I wish you are fine.

if he is not that caring man, I feel ending earlier is not bad.

 

what I want to say is, you prove us that we can find love again, and also I do feel sad for the single guy is much better than sad for a married man, at least you both are honest in this relationship.

 

I wish I can fall for other soon, really.

[Baby123]

Look at the positives- you had fun, and now you know you can have chemistry with someone other than MM and how it feels to be with someone normal with nothing hanging over you- think of that mini R as a taster session.

 

The next one might just work out... or the one after... and you'll be in an out in the open relationship with no secrets or lies or baggage or drama

 

Good luck.

 

Certainly right this one off... RED FLAG.

[blue963]

Interesting, because it usually seems like the ones who want to see you constantly right at the start tend to do that. Why is it that people have to play so many games?

[Cinnimon]

Thanks Vane, Baby and Blue. I'm okay with this. I AM glad he did this now instead of months from now. Funny that when we first spoke he had went on about how much he can not stand people who play games and how they just need to be honest with each other and blah blah blah. Just goes to show you ACTIONS do speak louder than words.

[findingnemo]

I have began to notice that people who take certain hard line stances such as "I hate playing games, etc" and state them at the beginning of the R usually have an issue with the very problem they talked about. And this applies in many types of Rs. In business I have learned that when someone immediately proclaims him/herself an honest person, beware. Or that when they start with "Let me be honest..." it is usually followed by a lie.