Do I still have a second chance?

[saciku]

So me and my ex had a one year relationship and we just recently broke up.

I've had a 4.5 year relationship with another ex before this and didn't get a second chance. This time though, I really don't wanna mess things up even further and wanna get that second chance because particularly with this person I felt my life became more alive and I became a better person because of her. I learned and did, in just one year with her, many other things that I didn't experience while in the 4.5 year relationship, so surely I feel the better half of me is suddenly missing.

 

Why suddenly?

Well because months and weeks before the break up, things seemed fine, at least to me but obviously not to her. And then suddenly days before the break up, she stated that she was feeling bored and when asked what she was bored about, first she answered "things in general" then became "the relationship". Not long after that she also said that she's starting to feel fine again. Then it finally came, her decision to end the relationship.

She told me that she was sick of me and the relationship, she was bored of it. Those were the major factors.

 

After asking for more explanations, because the above seemed a little immature to end a relationship in my eyes, she said that she was tired of being optimistic about the relationship and where it was going. She felt as if it was going to end anyway because her dad once told her not to look for a partner whose dad is an alcoholic or a gambler. I dont know if she made that up or not but my dad used to be a heavy alcoholic but has been less on it in the last few months since i've been with her. I told her that but she still feels that she can't get back with me and will not take back her decision even though she knows I still care about her. She said that she can't accept me and my flaws. Not really sure if this is just another "the Grass is Greener Syndrom".

 

She still checked my facebook twice since the break up (I don't know her intentions behind this) but after the whole process of digging for explanations I felt as if I pushed her even further away and she ended the conversation with "thanks for messing up my morning" and hasn't shown any signs of her checking on me since.

 

Now, I want to know what I should do if I was to win her heart back. I still care for her, besides the immature explanations, she is a really nice and positive person and I would love to have another go with her. But after she stated that the fact I still care for her will not change her decision to leave me, do I still have a chance even after pushing her further away?

And if so, how do I seize it?

Is it possible that she still have feelings for me underneath it all?

 

Sorry for my long post and my crude English, it is not my native language.

I ask for your advices and thank you for all your time.

Edited December 23, 2013 by saciku

[iworthmore]

sorry to hear that bro.. it's funny and sad at the same time how a person that used to love you suddenly say she's bored and sick of the relationship.

i think, if you were good to her and the relationship seems to be fine then its the GIGS. she must be young.

she told you she was bored. then it's the GIGS. or someone else already in the picture.

GO straight NC. complete NC. its the only chance that you can get her back or move on. id tell her that its a great idea to break up and u also got lil bored. it will be a game which is bad. but since we are in the 2nd chances i suggest that you look confident and happy with her decision ( if its not too late).

cut all ties, if she give up on you that easy, give up on her. i'm on the same boat. its soooo hard. but its the only way to achieve 1 of 2 things. get her back or move on.

best luck

[saciku]

Thank you for your reply.

I would like to try NC but as you can see, Christmas and New Year is near.

One of us is probably gonna greet the other first. How should I approach this?

Another thing is, some time next month me and her will have to meet for me to give something of hers back and this is a must, no way of avoiding this as we both already planned it.

 

Even if it is the GIGS, is it possible for her to still have feelings for me even though she said what she said and I pushed her away further?

[lil hoodlum]

sorry to hear that bro.. it's funny and sad at the same time how a person that used to love you suddenly say she's bored and sick of the relationship.

i think, if you were good to her and the relationship seems to be fine then its the GIGS. she must be young.

she told you she was bored. then it's the GIGS. or someone else already in the picture.

GO straight NC. complete NC. its the only chance that you can get her back or move on. id tell her that its a great idea to break up and u also got lil bored. it will be a game which is bad. but since we are in the 2nd chances i suggest that you look confident and happy with her decision ( if its not too late).

cut all ties, if she give up on you that easy, give up on her. i'm on the same boat. its soooo hard. but its the only way to achieve 1 of 2 things. get her back or move on.

best luck

 

 

Well said!

[lil hoodlum]

Another thing is, some time next month me and her will have to meet for me to give something of hers back and this is a must, no way of avoiding this as we both already planned it.

 

Just mail her crap (oops, I mean stuff) back to her or have a friend drop her stuff off.

[iworthmore]

don't greet her and if she did first don't answer back. and like the former answer said, find someone to deliver her stuff no need to meet her. she wants you out of her life then disappear. period.

hang out with female friend's. she's young and bored she wants a challenge the you must be 1. improve ur self and work out even start dating. let her see that other girls find u " not boring"

LOOk HAPPY all the time and don't show any weak emotions.

good luck

[saciku]

Just mail her crap (oops, I mean stuff) back to her or have a friend drop her stuff off.

 

don't greet her and if she did first don't answer back. and like the former answer said, find someone to deliver her stuff no need to meet her. she wants you out of her life then disappear. period.

hang out with female friend's. she's young and bored she wants a challenge the you must be 1. improve ur self and work out even start dating. let her see that other girls find u " not boring"

LOOk HAPPY all the time and don't show any weak emotions.

good luck

 

No, I will not get a friend to do it because it's something that I borrowed personally from her for a while and that would be irresponsible of me.

Plus if I had a friend to do it and dont reply to her greetings wouldnt that kind of indicate to her that I'm not strong enough to face her? that i haven't moved on and probably still wandering around in misery?

Cant I use this meeting as a chance to show her that I'm doing fine so far?

When she greets I'm sure she has no other intentions than just being friendly, after all she is that type of friendly person.

 

Her friend asked her this morning how the relationship with me is going.

She answered that she's confused either it's love, necessity or just daily habits (of contacting me) and so far since the break up her feelings towards me have just been flat.

And her friend also asked what if I contacted her first, she said it would be ok as long as I dont bring up the relationship.

And I know that's just another case of her being friendly but still no way of her getting back together with me, not yet at least.

[xUnknown]

Plus if I had a friend to do it and dont reply to her greetings wouldnt that kind of indicate to her that I'm not strong enough to face her? that i haven't moved on and probably still wandering around in misery?

 

You have to think of it this way. She IS DEAD TO YOU.

 

You don't speak to her, say hi/greet/respond to a text...no Merry Christmas or Happy New Year.

 

She broke up with you, crushed you, broke your heart --And you still want to be friendly? No. Box her stuff up and give it to a friend to give to her. She'll understand why.

 

No matter what, you have to go NO CONTACT. Nothing.

--if you have any questions, post here, we'll help you out. But there is ALWAYS a work around for having to contact her directly for something.

 

You have to cut her out of your life. You think it is "showing her that you've moved on"...its not. All that does is make you seem like you're still there waiting around for her. And you're not. You're moving on - without her. So do just that, without her...she doesn't have to know how you're doing - because you've moved on, you're working on getting over her --She's dead to you, remember...

 

Just stay no contact. It will hurt like hell, and you'll want to reach out to her several times. Save yourself the mental dilemma - delete her number, delete her facebook, delete old texts, emails ect. Spend a day and rid your life of her. Get rid of any pictures, gifts --anything that has sentimental value to you and her. BOX it ALL up. Don't burn it - you may regret that. Box it up and give it to a friend or your parents to hide for you until you are in a better place.

 

It gets better my friend. Feel free to PM me if you want encouragement. Everyone here is here to help. Its a great community. But stay strong! It gets easier.

[lil hoodlum]

Do what you want to. I know I did.

 

You will soon realize that you have very little control in this whole situation. She is calling the shots and you have very little control over anything.

 

Sorry that you are hurting and that you are having to go through this experience. It truely sucks especially when you never saw this coming.

 

I think you are in the denial stage.

 

I hope and wish the best for you but you need to start making you a priority over her.

[iworthmore]

i agree with all other advices which all the same as mine. you do that and you will be hurting more.

 

don't think abt it as a dilemma. keeping LC with her will only keep u trapped in square 1. if you meet her and act cool and happy she's gonna smell that. believe me. ull start analysing her actions and finally will be drown in false hope.

ur only chance is total NC . in the end ull be happy with the outcome. getting her back or moving on. but LC will only hurt you and bring you mixed signals.

don't give a **** abt what she's gonna think abt your behaviour. and about that meeting, plan something with friends or family to do cuz now she's not # 1 priority for u. she takes you for granted and dares to end the relationship for whatever reason. show her that she was part of your life not all of it. a part that can be replaced with better person to fill it.

easy said than done. i know, i'v been there. got an SMS for BDAY. didn't respond. was hard but i'v done it.

im trying hard to move on, if she come's back and we meant to be then maybe ill consider it or wont take her back. but im not waiting.

[xUnknown]

Also, don't beat yourself up about your english. In all honesty I wouldn't have known that english wasn't your native language if you hadn't mentioned it.

 

Please take the advice here from people. Again, nobody here can make the decision for you - you have to make the decision for yourself. But what it all comes down to is - do what you need to do to move forward from this.

[saciku]

I can't just pretend she's dead as I still want her in my life and no, I'm not p*ssying out.

I just think that's mean. I still am planning on going NC besides the meeting because I just feel like I must do it myself.

 

And I know I was in the denial stage, that's when I was digging for explanations out of her and I admit that's where I f*cked up and I pushed her away from myself that way. I realized that was a wrong move. But now, I am slowly learning to accept the whole situation and have an understanding that the old relationship is gone. I am ready to go NC (besides the meeting like I said).

I understand when or if she greets me for Christmas it is only based on her friendliness and nothing more, and I will not expect anything more anyway.

So wouldnt that make it safe for me to reply?

 

I am also not going to delete her from my phone or social medias because I don't think that's necessary. The truth is, my ex from the 4.5 year relationship did that to me and it made me not want to get back with her.

 

Like I said, I am now in the process of accepting the situation. I understand that we might not get back together in a short time distance and am ready to give her and myself some space. So basically I am not frustating over the fact that it's over anymore. BUT, I do want to do my part to make things better and possible to get back together sometime in the future after I pushed her away like that and got her annoyed. Will NC and self progression be enough to do that? and some luck maybe?

 

I also want to thank all you guys who have responded here and giving me all your time. That truly means a lot to me. And I am sorry if I seem a little stubborn, I don't know if cultural differences matter but I live in SouthEast Asia and there are just somethings I feel like I have to do.

Edited December 24, 2013 by saciku

[iworthmore]

 

I understand when or if she greets me for Christmas it is only based on her friendliness and nothing more, and I will not expect anything more anyway.

So wouldnt that make it safe for me to reply?

 

Like I said, I am now in the process of accepting the situation. I do want to do my part to make things better and possible to get back together sometime in the future after I pushed her away like that and got her annoyed. Will NC and self progression be enough to do that? and some luck maybe?

 

 

be prepared to the fact that she might not greet you for xmas. start preparing your self. i hope she do.

NC is not guaranteed to bring her back. it can increase the chance of that happening. after reading many articles and true stories on this board and other boards. it sometimes work. even if she message you " i miss you" after 2 weeks it doesn't mean she want you back. she might feel lonely, bored, or checking up on you as a friend or she might be really missing you.

remember that you are the dumpee. she must come after you and must do some effort to have you back. single SMS no matter what it contains is not enough and doesn't mean she's serious abt it.

if she greets you only say "thank you" if u insist to reply. but no more talks.

[saciku]

be prepared to the fact that she might not greet you for xmas. start preparing your self. i hope she do.

NC is not guaranteed to bring her back. it can increase the chance of that happening. after reading many articles and true stories on this board and other boards. it sometimes work. even if she message you " i miss you" after 2 weeks it doesn't mean she want you back. she might feel lonely, bored, or checking up on you as a friend or she might be really missing you.

remember that you are the dumpee. she must come after you and must do some effort to have you back. single SMS no matter what it contains is not enough and doesn't mean she's serious abt it.

if she greets you only say "thank you" if u insist to reply. but no more talks.

 

She did actually greet me at 12.02 AM if the details matter at all.

She said "(My name), Merry Christmas! Have a joyful one. God bless you :)"

And I replied with "Merry Christmas and GBU too, (her name)" 2 hours later.

It's already Christmas here so Merry Christmas to you all!

[saciku]

Hey guys. Just some updates.

 

So after Christmas i contacted my ex again to apologize to her for pushing her to the edge the other day. I told her that she was right about us both needing space. I felt like i had to get that out to her and to avoid arguements i told her she didnt have to say anything about it. She said "yes".

Then i took sometime to reply and before i did, she went on saying that she actually still accepts me as a friend. I dont have to bring anything up about the break up and we can still keep contact as friends. Then she apologized for bringing me this far into the relationship and breaking up with me.

I didnt want to make the topic longer so i just told her thats none sense and that she was only bored then changed the subject.

 

The next day we contacted again and she asked if i was going anywhere that day, probably only out of her friendliness and nothing more.

Then we managed to set up a plan to go out together next week to either just hang out and eat or go watch a movie. I told her i wanted to see "walking with dinosaurs", i knew shes not interested in seeing that movie since before we broke up. But she said that if i dont have anyone else to watch it with then shes fine in accompanying me. So that was set up and not long after the conversation ended because she wanted to get some sleep.

 

Later that night she contacted me again just to ask how to remove her browsers cookies and all and i helped her and that was it. Short and nothing out of it.

 

So what do you guys think? I dont want to see this as a mistake but as progress but i need your perspectives on it. How do i use this next meeting and this phase of just being friends as a chance to make her open her heart for another relationship wih me?

Edited December 27, 2013 by saciku

[iworthmore]

NO NO NO. ur being available, too available.and possibly needy. dont apologize. dont give a ****. never be a friend with ur ex. that only gonna cause u heartache. vanish, disappear, cut all ties. she doesn't seem to want u back then why you still contacting her.

u want her back and there's nothing wrong with that but not by being her friend. keep very limited contact. dont answer all her calls or messages. ignore some. show her that u only love her but dont need her. stop that and go NC for urslef in the first place.

[xUnknown]

NO NO NO. ur being available, too available.and possibly needy. dont apologize. dont give a ****. never be a friend with ur ex. that only gonna cause u heartache. vanish, disappear, cut all ties. she doesn't seem to want u back then why you still contacting her.

u want her back and there's nothing wrong with that but not by being her friend. keep very limited contact. dont answer all her calls or messages. ignore some. show her that u only love her but dont need her. stop that and go NC for urslef in the first place.

 

This. Listen to it.

 

The question is....Do you want to be JUST FRIENDS, with this person right now? Can you be OKAY and NOT HURT if she is dating and doing whatever else with some other guy?

 

Most likely not....so, please listen to the advice. Cancel the plans you had for the movie and tell her "I just can't be friends with you. Please do not contact me." Be done with it.

 

You can't be JUST FRIENDS after a romantic relationship...if you can, then there never was that love and romance. You'll try to tell yourself you can, but not after a breakup, not after being hurt like that. You'll only be hurting yourself. She wants to be JUST FRIENDS to ease her guilt. So she thinks "I'm not that bad of a person if he wants to still be friends with me".

 

Please man, my ex tried to do the same. She wanted to remain in contact and remain friends. I wouldn't allow it. I cut her out of my life. No Contact, nothing. I moved on (not 100% but working towards it). Enough to show her that I don't need her in my life. She came crawling back admitting her wrongs 3 months later. Now, "the ball is in my court" (her words).

 

Please start to pick yourself up and move on. It is the only way you'll feel better. Being JUST FRIENDS will only hurt you more. Believe me, believe all of us on this one. It will hurt like hell, not having her in your life....but you'll realize, its better then seeing her loving someone else while you're just sitting on the side lines.

[saciku]

i don't know. i keep convincing myself that she still has a little something for me but she just doesnt wanna show it, either because of her friend's advice or because she once said she wont take back her words.

i know im the dumpee but i feel like if i can show her how to have fun with me again then that might open her heart even more and if im not the one trying for this then noone else will. and that means it would be over right there and then.

 

and i cant cancel watching the movie just like that, that would make her hate me even more.

[AlphaC]

i don't know. i keep convincing myself that she still has a little something for me but she just doesnt wanna show it, either because of her friend's advice or because she once said she wont take back her words.

i know im the dumpee but i feel like if i can show her how to have fun with me again then that might open her heart even more and if im not the one trying for this then noone else will. and that means it would be over right there and then.

 

and i cant cancel watching the movie just like that, that would make her hate me even more.

 

You have to be strong, otherwise she will walk all over you and you will lose her for good. Tell her you have other plans and can't go to movies, from the sound of it, I doubt she will be affected by the cancellation - FACT! Ignore her and start dating other women, your time with this girl is over FOR NOW, maybe in the future, after a couple of months you might have another chance.

 

Think of it this way, she went out with you, she knows what you have to offer and she doesn't want it anymore. Have you ever eaten the same food, the same steak for months, if not years, and then one day, for no apparent/explainable reason, you get tired of it? Not just tired, but repulsed, you start to hate the steak? Especially since it keeps being served to you. At this point you stop eating this steak and try other types, after a couple of months you start missing that delicious T Bone that you had previously hated because you've tried other meats and are not happy again (typical woman), and you want it back. This analogy won't happen unless you disappear Saciku!!!

 

Remember, women do not want weak men - I won't stress to you how important this is in relationships. You should spend some time reading a lot of posts on this site, it will open your eyes - at least it did for me. Good luck.

[pickflicker]

I think before attempting to enter a new relationship with her, you really should take a break for a few months. If it's meant to be, it can withstand some time off. If it can't, it was doomed anyway.

 

Good luck.

[saciku]

You have to be strong, otherwise she will walk all over you and you will lose her for good. Tell her you have other plans and can't go to movies, from the sound of it, I doubt she will be affected by the cancellation - FACT! Ignore her and start dating other women, your time with this girl is over FOR NOW, maybe in the future, after a couple of months you might have another chance.

 

Think of it this way, she went out with you, she knows what you have to offer and she doesn't want it anymore. Have you ever eaten the same food, the same steak for months, if not years, and then one day, for no apparent/explainable reason, you get tired of it? Not just tired, but repulsed, you start to hate the steak? Especially since it keeps being served to you. At this point you stop eating this steak and try other types, after a couple of months you start missing that delicious T Bone that you had previously hated because you've tried other meats and are not happy again (typical woman), and you want it back. This analogy won't happen unless you disappear Saciku!!!

 

Remember, women do not want weak men - I won't stress to you how important this is in relationships. You should spend some time reading a lot of posts on this site, it will open your eyes - at least it did for me. Good luck.

 

That's a very good point of view and I agree.

The reason we broke up was because she was tired of the relationship but now she's offering her presence to accompany me.

Im not taking it as false hope or anything, im sure shes willing because of her friendliness.

I'm gonna use this chance to give her stuff back, casually, and just to show her that we could have fun again.

I wont show her I'm weak, I will still be hoping but not expecting.

[saciku]

I think before attempting to enter a new relationship with her, you really should take a break for a few months. If it's meant to be, it can withstand some time off. If it can't, it was doomed anyway.

 

Good luck.

 

I will try to go NC after this meeting and try giving it a break for some time.

Thank you for your input.

[ABrokenNerd]

Friendship is a really bad idea man. Read my thread to see why. In my situation I was friends with my ex for about a year. We hung out without pressure from either of us even more then we ever did while we were dating. Then she started dating again and boy oh boy that hurt worse then the breakup because I honestly thought I had a chance at getting her back. Been NC ever since. Dude, give yourself some respect. The main reason she wants to be friends is to ease her guilt from the breakup. She feels comfortable with it because its familiar and she knows you'll accept because right now you're a doormat for her. You have not healed from the breakup. The only time you can be friends with her is when you can imagine another dude balls deep in her and feel nothing. When emotions are in the way you cant make the best of decisions. Go NC, regain your life and self respect. Don't distract yourself, work through your emotions and do not put your life on hold dude. Reconciliation is the last of your worries right now. You need to heal dude.

[saciku]

ok, this is getting a little out of hand.

she contacted me twice tonight, always opening the conversations with unimportant topics.

First she contacted me to tell me to watch some fashion show on tv which then i just ignored.

Then she contacted me again talking about my ex from the 4.5 year relationship and such. and I told her it was none of my concern.

Thats when she started saying that it was good gossipping with me (when we were together) and she asked me if i was wondering how her feelings was towards me.

I just told her to get to the point.

And she said that she cant lie, she still has feelings for me. (this got my hopes up)

It's still there but it's not enough for her to maintain a relationship with me.

She apologized for being egoistic and hoped that me and her can become the best of friends.

 

F**k this, she kinda messed up my cards before it's even my turn to play.

Edited December 28, 2013 by saciku

[Kevin_D]

You're getting friendzoned. Just tell her that even though you care about her, you need to move on with your life and that you don't want her to contact you anymore.