Tony - What does being friends really mean?

[Bladedamage]

This may sound like a stupid question.

 

RE: BLADEDAMAGE, Need Advice, 22 Jan 2001, 8:41pm

 

Rachel's advice was much appreciated and I agree with what she has said and will take it on board.

 

I've been thinking though as I have never been in a situation like this before.

 

What does it mean, to a girl, when she agrees to go on a date but then decides she would like to be friends? I understand that she may need time and needs to sort herself out before getting into another relationship (not ready). She has shown that she has an interest in me (quite clear), although having declined a date she is more than happy to catch up for coffees, movies etc.

 

Does being friends mean that she may/is not interested in a relationship at all? or does it mean that she would like to get to know me better before she ventures into a new relationship? How should I behave/conduct myself from here on as I am very much interested in her? Is it worthwhile discussing the matter with her, risking that I may pressure her onto a topic that she doesn't want to go into and scaring her away from being friends? This I definately don't want happening.

 

It is probably a tricky subject to evaluate as there are many different angles, but any feedback would be much appreciated. I suppose if I were to look at it bottom line: What does being friends really mean? given this situation.

[Bladedamage]

This may sound like a stupid question. RE: BLADEDAMAGE, Need Advice, 22 Jan 2001, 8:41pm Rachel's advice was much appreciated and I agree with what she has said and will take it on board. I've been thinking though as I have never been in a situation like this before. What does it mean, to a girl, when she agrees to go on a date but then decides she would like to be friends? I understand that she may need time and needs to sort herself out before getting into another relationship (not ready). She has shown that she has an interest in me (quite clear), although having declined a date she is more than happy to catch up for coffees, movies etc. Does being friends mean that she may/is not interested in a relationship at all? or does it mean that she would like to get to know me better before she ventures into a new relationship? How should I behave/conduct myself from here on as I am very much interested in her? Is it worthwhile discussing the matter with her, risking that I may pressure her onto a topic that she doesn't want to go into and scaring her away from being friends? This I definately don't want happening.

 

It is probably a tricky subject to evaluate as there are many different angles, but any feedback would be much appreciated. I suppose if I were to look at it bottom line: What does being friends really mean? given this situation.

[Tony T]

Being friends means exactly that. No romantic involvement, no kissing, no sex, no holding hands, etc.

 

For some women, they don't even mean that at all. They say they want to be friends out of their guilt. It's their way of letting you down easy. Women want romance from men, not necessarily friendship. Even when they seek for a guy they've dated to remain a friend, when romance comes around for them they pretty much dump the friend or substantially reduce the time they spend with them.

 

Romance takes a big front seat in the lives of healthy women. Those who are more mature will make some time for male friends, if it won't affect their romantic relationship, but they will back off instantly if they have the slightest hint the friend wants more.

 

As a practical matter, it is not usually workable for a lady who is in a romantic relationship to have a male best friend outside the relationship. So many things can complicate that.

 

If you have any romantic feelings for this girl at all, don't even waste your time being around her. This is just torturing yourself. If you were really cool, you could probably get her to fall for you but you would need to be truly adept at psychology and you may not be up to that. And there are no guarantees.

 

The more you show this girl you can live just fine without her, you can see other ladies, and have a life away from her, the more likely she will be to develop feelings for you again.

 

However, since you have dated she has obviously found compelling reasons she feels she cannot develop romantic feelings for you. It could be you were too nice, it could be she didn't feel an intellectual or social compatibility, you could have bad breath...there are just so many reasons.

 

So just take her for what she said. I wouldn't call her often if you do want to be her friend because you really want more and you are setting yourself up for major disappointment and hurt by hanging with her often.

 

Of course, this may be one of life's lessons you need to learn for yourself. I have been there four or five times and I have done my time. I guess it's yours to do now.

[Yumi]

I don't know this girl or her situation... it could mean any one of a number of tihngs. Maybe she was hurt in the past and hasn't healed enough to give her heart again. Maybe she feels that she has too many other commitments right now to give you a healthy relationship. Maybe she enjoys your company but isn't atracted to you physically. Maybe she's looking for a long-term relationship and for awhatever reason doesn't see a future with you. Maybe it's sometihng else.

 

But what it should mean, for YOU, is to let her make the first move. Unless it hurts you too much to be with her as a freind (in which case you should break contact and move on) you should be grateful to have some time to get to know her, no strings attached. Have fun with her, enjoy each other's company, and one of three tihngs will happen: you will remain close friends, you will gradually drift apart as many friends do, or she will come to know you and come to share your interest in a romantic relationship. You've let her know how you feel, now it's time for you to enjoy your time with her and let HER make the next move. See what direction she's moving towards. If you try to change her mind it will only alienate her, but have fun now. If someone else comes along, don't feel bad about dating other people. If she honestly does have feelings for you ,they will surface ,and if not, you can still enjoy each other's company.

 

My main point is DONT FORCE IT. Her "lets be friends" attitude can easily turn to "get away from me you jerk" if your attitude toard her becomes possessive or sexual before she agrees to her half of the bargain. Good luck!

 

Yumi

[WGirl]

what I am saying exactly is(this is just me, I can't speak for anyone else)there is no potential for a dating relationship whatsoever. I don't feel any chemistry with you. You are great person and but I just don't have those type of feelings for you.

This may sound like a stupid question RE: BLADEDAMAGE, Need Advice, 22 Jan 2001, 8:41pm Rachel's advice was much appreciated and I agree with what she has said and will take it on board. I've been thinking though as I have never been in a situation like this before. What does it mean, to a girl, when she agrees to go on a date but then decides she would like to be friends? I understand that she may need time and needs to sort herself out before getting into another relationship (not ready). She has shown that she has an interest in me (quite clear), although having declined a date she is more than happy to catch up for coffees, movies etc. Does being friends mean that she may/is not interested in a relationship at all? or does it mean that she would like to get to know me better before she ventures into a new relationship? How should I behave/conduct myself from here on as I am very much interested in her? Is it worthwhile discussing the matter with her, risking that I may pressure her onto a topic that she doesn't want to go into and scaring her away from being friends? This I definately don't want happening.

 

It is probably a tricky subject to evaluate as there are many different angles, but any feedback would be much appreciated. I suppose if I were to look at it bottom line: What does being friends really mean? given this situation.