Wife Cheated on me with friends 16 years ago

[samsungxoxo]

Nobody should ever put up with being mistreated but in some cases where life's responsibilities get in the way of fun and a woman starts to get restless what is wrong with trying to save it if nobody did anything wrong?

Perhaps some relationships or marriages run its courses and die out naturally. It happens and there is no guarantee that you'll stay with them forever. It's about making your life the best as possible in the present and not worrying if things will work out or not with your spouse.

Also, if there is too much to compromise then I can see why some couples break up.

[road]

Forgive me for grabbin the wrong pronoun... We going to turn into grammar police on here?

 

 

 

 

 

That has nothing to do with grammar. One word changes the meaning.

[LeGenDary_Man]

I don't hate men. I just don't like the sexism done on this and other forums over and over again when it comes to sexuality. There have been serveral male posters writting with the intention of sloot-shaming that we've gotten used to those contexts and call out on it immediately. Yes, there is a specific one I hate: the hypocritical, self-entitled sloot shamer.

Let us look at this matter from psychological, biological and societal perspectives:-

 

Men have high testosterone levels = higher urge for sex. The opposite is true in case of women. However, intoxication can compromise the senses of any human, leading to acts that may not be acceptable under full conscious. In the context of human sexuality, women are more conservative then men on average or expected to be in the absence of "external pressures."

 

Now, societal conditioning also plays a role in shaping gender oriented behavior; women are perceived to be stronger advocates of morality because they share great responsibility in establishment of stable families through the custom of marriage and brought-up of children, shaping children in to model citizens for the better future of the society and also prolong the survival of stable families. Women are also biologically equipped and conditioned to take care of offspring in best possible manner. These ground realities make women with strong moral fiber ideal for marriage, creating a stable family and parenting roles.

 

In the nutshell, women with "high moral standards" are expected to be ideal homemakers, wives and parents. This is why men would always prefer such women for marriage irrespective of how much of an hypocrite they are themselves. In contrast, men are less likely to regard women with promiscuous or disturbing sexual history as marriage-worthy materials because such women are expected to slip during tough times or rough phases of marriage even though this is not always the case.

 

In Western societies, sexual liberalism have literally peaked and this is wreaking havoc on societal expectations of both genders in relation to the family setup and institution of marriage itself.

 

So don't be surprised if you find men being appalled by lack of self-control from women in matters of sex. If a women have disgusting sexual history, she is less likely to be deemed as marriage worthy. Now, of-course, this doesn't excuses promiscuous behavior of men (they are disgusting as well) but women are "enabler of such behavior," like this or not. When women will learn to say NO, much of the problem will be solved and men will know their limits. But how many want to say NO in a society where sexual liberalism have no limits? FEW

Edited December 27, 2013 by LeGenDary_Man

[janedoe67]

blah blah blah man pride blah blah blah evolution blah blah

 

At around 18, this woman did a stupid STUDPID thing WHILE her boyfriend was in jail AGAIN for violating parole. They both did some stupid crap 16 years ago.

 

If she has been a good wife and mother for their entire marriage, then all this hoopla over what a demon she must be for what she did 16 years ago while basically IGNORING all the crap he did (some of which was obviously illegal) is a ridiculous double standard.

 

That said, OP, if you aren't gonna be able to grow up and man up and see that you BOTH were royal screwups back then and have grown past it, then yes, you need to leave. Punishing her forever or "running a train on her" for revenge now just speaks to the fact that your character hasn't grown all that much.

 

Either deal with it and move on or leave.

[peruano99]

I wonder what story the OP is thinking of telling now.

[LeGenDary_Man]

blah blah blah man pride blah blah blah evolution blah blah

 

 

At around 18, this woman did a stupid STUDPID thing WHILE her boyfriend was in jail AGAIN for violating parole. They both did some stupid crap 16 years ago.

 

If she has been a good wife and mother for their entire marriage, then all this hoopla over what a demon she must be for what she did 16 years ago while basically IGNORING all the crap he did (some of which was obviously illegal) is a ridiculous double standard.

 

That said, OP, if you aren't gonna be able to grow up and man up and see that you BOTH were royal screwups back then and have grown past it, then yes, you need to leave. Punishing her forever or "running a train on her" for revenge now just speaks to the fact that your character hasn't grown all that much.

 

Either deal with it and move on or leave.

You are not getting it; this case boils down to the observation that OP regarded his wife as an individual with superior moral standards then his own, an individual who have been his source of redemption (motivated OP to change his ways and become a responsible citizen), an individual whom he deemed worthy of marriage and decided to raise a family with, but this MIRROR have been shattered on the basis of what he have learned about his wife after so many years.

 

OP is trying to come to terms with the disturbing sexual history of his wife which is a new revelation for him. While, OP admits that he is no saint himself, he had higher expectations from his wife; he perceived his wife as an individual with relatively stronger sense of morality then himself, whom he could trust enough to marry and raise a family with and expect to be fully loyal to him in his periods of absence. OP's wife actually had been the source of his redemption.

 

However, now that OP's wife have revealed her sexual history after so many years, OP is angry that his wife kept such information hidden from him for so long, preventing him for making a more well-informed decision about his marriage by keeping him in the dark with her deceit. Since this revelation is fresh for OP, it would take time for him to come to terms with it which is norm in case of how BS responds to such magnitude of deceit.

 

In the nutshell, OP does qualify for BS (position) because his wife deceived him in the context of her sexual past. Moral of the story is that marriage should not be build on the foundation of lies and deceit.

 

Double-standards or not, this discussion revolves around OP's perception of his wife. It is ok to advice OP to come to terms with this new revelation if his wife had been loyal to him during marriage but it doesn't makes sense to bash OP for his current state of mind after D-DAY, his reactions are normal and expected in this kind of situation. Its easy for others to tell OP to move on but this isn't easy for OP.

 

It also doesn't makes sense to turn this discussion into a sexism and double-standards slinging contest.

 

Assuming that this case is true then:

 

OP should pursue therapy to come to terms with this revelation, if he cannot on his own. His wife should also cooperate with him in every possible way to pave way for reconciliation, her actions would prove whether she is a good wife for OP or not.

 

If not:

 

Then Mods may take care of OP in this forum.

Edited December 27, 2013 by LeGenDary_Man

[CantgetoveritNY]

I read this whole post just now. One thing I can't get past is the woman saying, what man would marry a woman that did what OPs wife did. The sex act I mean. That just that sex act, no cheating, no lying for years, no betrayal. Just knowing that a woman had one wild night in her past.

 

Assuming that was it, one night, and not a pattern. One night in your teens or even early 20's where she took a walk on the wild side, that's enough to taint her for all men for all time? Really? No other guys here going to call bull s--t to that!? Seriously!?

[peruano99]

I read this whole post just now. One thing I can't get past is the woman saying, what man would marry a woman that did what OPs wife did. The sex act I mean. That just that sex act, no cheating, no lying for years, no betrayal. Just knowing that a woman had one wild night in her past.

 

Assuming that was it, one night, and not a pattern. One night in your teens or even early 20's where she took a walk on the wild side, that's enough to taint her for all men for all time? Really? No other guys here going to call bull s--t to that!? Seriously!?

 

I think the OP was in a relationship with the girl while she did that sex act. I don't know many guys who would be with a girl who was in a gangbang.

[aliveagain]

Your both older now, your both parents to the same children, can you live with this new information that happened 16 years ago, is it enough to bring down your family? Does anything that she has done(giving you beautiful children, choosing you over O/M) in the last 16 years balance out any part of your hurt? Will you walk away from your family and possibly allow some other man raise your children over this new information or will you find a way to keep your family together? What will it take to make you feel safe again, will a post nuptial agreement help, is she willing to sign one to save your family?

 

Decide what is more important to you, seeing your family every morning when you wake up or teaching her a lesson for being drunk and stupid 16 years ago when you were "INCARCERATED?" You can't have both because you are going to have to forgive her and yourself before healing can start. Forget what others are telling you because some of it is projected anger, you have one chance at making this right, what value do you put on your family, what do you see when you look 20 years into your future, do you love her enough to forgive her and keep your family intact? It's all about you now, show her and your children who you are and who you have been for the last 16 years. Anyone evolved in her gang bang, get rid of them from your circle of friends.

Edited December 27, 2013 by aliveagain

[Kate9292]

Are you insane?

 

You want to leave a good wife and mother over some stupid stuff she did when she was like half her age?

 

And you are no saint either. In fact your ramblings about humiliating her disgust me.

 

If she was here, I'd advice her to leave you. You make me sick.

[peruano99]

What happened to OP?

 

Also I guess everyone forgot that the wife just made up a story to fulfill her husband's fantasies.

[CantgetoveritNY]

I think the OP was in a relationship with the girl while she did that sex act. I don't know many guys who would be with a girl who was in a gangbang.

 

I don't doubt that a lot of guys would be too intimidated, insecure, inexperienced, whatever,, to not understand that a sex act like that can be a one time thing and not define the person. Maybe I'm more understanding bc I had two women once at the same time when I was in my early 20's. I also fulfilled the fantasy of seeing a prostitute about that time, legally, in Amsterdam. ( I was not in a relationship.) I also had ONS. Once three with three different women on three consecutive nights. So of course with my history I'm not one to look down on a woman that had some similar fun in her background. Or even more. That would be impossible. Unless you had double standards. So I'm sure there are plenty of guys out there that the OP's wife could safely tell her story to and be respected as a partner. Well, not the cheating part. But that sex act is nothing to disgrace her the rest of her life. IMHO.

[aliveagain]

What happened to OP?

 

Also I guess everyone forgot that the wife just made up a story to fulfill her husband's fantasies.

 

Peruano99, as an Italian male, i value family above everything else. What do you think he should value his family at after 16 years of innocence? Yes wrong was done but he is still a loving father, do you think his children love him less because he went to prison before they were born? I too am angry at his wife for what she allowed herself to do to him while he was locked up, totally unfair. But according to him she has been an amazing mother to his children as well as a loving faithful wife to him. She has a lifetime to prove herself to him, let's cut them both some slack and see if her word means something to him after 16 years. I would give her the chance.

[peruano99]

I don't doubt that a lot of guys would be too intimidated, insecure, inexperienced, whatever,, to not understand that a sex act like that can be a one time thing and not define the person. Maybe I'm more understanding bc I had two women once at the same time when I was in my early 20's. I also fulfilled the fantasy of seeing a prostitute about that time, legally, in Amsterdam. ( I was not in a relationship.) I also had ONS. Once three with three different women on three consecutive nights. So of course with my history I'm not one to look down on a woman that had some similar fun in her background. Or even more. That would be impossible. Unless you had double standards. So I'm sure there are plenty of guys out there that the OP's wife could safely tell her story to and be respected as a partner. Well, not the cheating part. But that sex act is nothing to disgrace her the rest of her life. IMHO.

 

 

 

I am not talking about the sex part, I meant that her cheating while being in a relationship was wrong.

 

 

@ Alive no I mean the OP said his wife lied about having sex with those guys. She said she did it to give him a fantasy.

[Oldspiceywolf]

I read this whole post just now. One thing I can't get past is the woman saying, what man would marry a woman that did what OPs wife did. The sex act I mean. That just that sex act, no cheating, no lying for years, no betrayal. Just knowing that a woman had one wild night in her past.

 

Assuming that was it, one night, and not a pattern. One night in your teens or even early 20's where she took a walk on the wild side, that's enough to taint her for all men for all time? Really? No other guys here going to call bull s--t to that!? Seriously!?

 

I did more than once. This is a just get over it situation, OP the one with disputable behavior.

Edited December 27, 2013 by Oldspiceywolf

[peruano99]

I don't think a woman's past should concern a man. what matters is the relationship that starts with the woman and the man. Of course no infidelity should occur.

[Lokahi117]

It sounds nice on paper to say a women's past shouldn't matter to a man. But in the real world, this describes a certain wildness that some men (not all) would find very unappealing in a lifetime partner. The woman would be better off to be honest with her man and the man that is right for her wouldn't care. But lying and not telling someone about some thing you think they would choose not to be with you over is appalling.

 

Any relationship that exists because the other person doesn't know certain things about their partner is very wrong. And I've been on both sides of being judged. But honesty always proved well because it allowed me to find someone whom would accept me their partner knowing me and my past fully.

[peruano99]

Are you insane?

 

You want to leave a good wife and mother over some stupid stuff she did when she was like half her age?

 

And you are no saint either. In fact your ramblings about humiliating her disgust me.

 

If she was here, I'd advice her to leave you. You make me sick.

 

Well she cheated on him. I think you are saying if a woman cheated on you, lied to you for many years, the person should taker her back no matter what she did. That's a very unfair way to think. Cheating is bad no matter if it happened yesterday or a long time ago. Her cheating and lying to him all that time is bad as well.

 

Do you think it's okay for her to cheat on him not only by one, but multiple guys, then lied to him for many years? Isn't cheating WRONG?

Edited December 28, 2013 by peruano99

[Kate9292]

Well she cheated on him. I think you are saying if a woman cheated on you, lied to you for many years, the person should taker her back no matter what she did. That's a very unfair way to think. Cheating is bad no matter if it happened yesterday or a long time ago. Her cheating and lying to him all that time is bad as well.

 

Do you think it's okay for her to cheat on him not only by one, but multiple guys, then lied to him for many years? Isn't cheating WRONG?

 

Yes she cheated. 16 years ago. Don't you think that after that long it stops mattering? I mean she's completely different person now, a good wife and mother in OP's own words. Does something she did as teenager really needs to be held against her? You never did any dumb stuff at that age?

 

OP sure did. And we don't even know if wife knows about HIS cheating. And we don't even know when it happened. Maybe it was recent, then it would probably destroy wife.

[peruano99]

Yes she cheated. 16 years ago. Don't you think that after that long it stops mattering? I mean she's completely different person now, a good wife and mother in OP's own words. Does something she did as teenager really needs to be held against her? You never did any dumb stuff at that age?

 

OP sure did. And we don't even know if wife knows about HIS cheating. And we don't even know when it happened. Maybe it was recent, then it would probably destroy wife.

 

How do you know OP cheated? and no for me cheating and lying to you after so many years is even worse. So you think if a person cheats a long time ago, it's just okay? That makes me think you will cheat on your partner and lie to him for a long time, then expect him to forgive you.

Edited December 28, 2013 by peruano99

[Kate9292]

He stated deeper in the thread that he cheated on his wife with her cousin-in-law:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/450530-wife-cheated-me-friends-16-years-ago-6.html#post5422243

[Iguanna]

Do you really believe that a woman with the morals who allow her to open her legs in various guys (friends of her bf) without "looking back" and having at least 3 guys ejaculating inside her, then hide it for 16 years and let her husband consider these guys friends is a woman who would stop only at this one drunken mistake? I've gotten drunk when I was young but I had always the consciousness of what I was doing. I don't care what kind of man the OP is, for me this woman is of low moral and ethics and she can't be an appropriate person to raise kids. Legendary Man said t really nice.

 

women are perceived to be stronger advocates of morality because they share great responsibility in establishment of stable families through the custom of marriage and brought-up of children, shaping children in to model citizens for the better future of the society and also prolong the survival of stable families. Women are also biologically equipped and conditioned to take care of offspring in best possible manner. These ground realities make women with strong moral fiber ideal for marriage, creating a stable family and parenting roles.

[peruano99]

You know this seems like a troll thread now. The op hasn't responded in a few days.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Yah - he hasn't been back - I would say its a troll.

[aliveagain]

The woman is 16 years older, she has two children with him under the age of 8 who depend on both parents. She did something very stupid when she was 17, she never told him for 16 years, also very stupid. He loves her, she has been a great mother and wife for these 16 years, why does she not deserve a chance to a life with her family if she and he get proper professional counselling to help them through it? What would you suggest, divorce her, place her in a dark hole where the unclean are kept, no contact with her family or any future men because she did something stupid while drunk and he was incarcerated? If she wasn't remorseful maybe but she is ashamed and remorseful.

 

The family is not broken, they both were 16 years ago, they are different people today, the only thing they hold in common is their love and the memories from that time. They can fix this, their family deserves the chance, their children deserve both parents. Before you make a permanent decision, talk to a counsellor together, one that deals with infidelity, you both need help with this decision.