Wife Cheated on me with friends 16 years ago

[peruano99]

The woman is 16 years older, she has two children with him under the age of 8 who depend on both parents. She did something very stupid when she was 17, she never told him for 16 years, also very stupid. He loves her, she has been a great mother and wife for these 16 years, why does she not deserve a chance to a life with her family if she and he get proper professional counselling to help them through it? What would you suggest, divorce her, place her in a dark hole where the unclean are kept, no contact with her family or any future men because she did something stupid while drunk and he was incarcerated? If she wasn't remorseful maybe but she is ashamed and remorseful.

 

The family is not broken, they both were 16 years ago, they are different people today, the only thing they hold in common is their love and the memories from that time. They can fix this, their family deserves the chance, their children deserve both parents. Before you make a permanent decision, talk to a counsellor together, one that deals with infidelity, you both need help with this decision.

 

 

I am pretty sure that when the OP had his gang bangs with different women as well as also cheating on her with her cousin, he didn't love her. I also think the OP said he was going to leave her .

[road]

Yes she cheated. 16 years ago. Don't you think that after that long it stops mattering? I mean she's completely different person now, a good wife and mother in OP's own words. Does something she did as teenager really needs to be held against her? You never did any dumb stuff at that age?

 

OP sure did. And we don't even know if wife knows about HIS cheating. And we don't even know when it happened. Maybe it was recent, then it would probably destroy wife.

 

 

 

Old news to the WW it happened 16 years ago.

 

 

New news because the BH just found out 16 years later. Found out news that may of had him change his mind and not marry his WW. A lie that forced the BH to live a life that has been based on a lie.

[road]

why does she not deserve a chance to a life with her family if she and he get proper professional counselling to help them through it? What would you suggest

 

 

 

 

 

Because just going to a counselor does not mean the BH will be led to accept that his WW cheated on him.

 

 

For some BS there is no forgiving an affair. The only thing that can be suggested is to get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley, not make hasty decisions. Best to wait 6 months before making life changing decisions. Use the fact that kids are a good reason to not throw in the towel for motivation to attempt recovery.

 

 

Suggesting a book does not mean it will be followed, read, or even bought. Or using the kids does not guarantee that the BH will be motivated. Or that attempting recovery will work.

[down2earth]

I apologize for not keeping you updated. I've started back smoking cigarettes again, my wife and I haven't talked about what she's done we've kind of ignored it for now. I will try to get more out of her on new years eve. I know, wrong time, but I'll get her drunk and give her a guilt trip. Come'on if she really loves me she shouldn't hide anything from me and just tell me the truth.

[peruano99]

I apologize for not keeping you updated. I've started back smoking cigarettes again, my wife and I haven't talked about what she's done we've kind of ignored it for now. I will try to get more out of her on new years eve. I know, wrong time, but I'll get her drunk and give her a guilt trip. Come'on if she really loves me she shouldn't hide anything from me and just tell me the truth.

 

Didn't you said she told you it was all a story?

[peruano99]

I don't think it's that serious. In my experience this behavior is normal for a small percentage of 16-17 year old girls. I discussed this situation with my wife and she agreed with me in believing that this situation has nothing to do with the current relationship, she's within the bell curve of normal and the situation under which it occurred doesn't justify his outrage. I also think OP is into this thing as a fetish.

 

Also, I could marry a woman who has been gang banged under the right circumstance(7-10 years in the past and not a fetish or desire). I don't think I have what it takes to be married to an ex porn star or stripper but if I did I would have no problem with it.

 

So you are okay with a person cheating as long as it's in the past? I don't get your logic.

[Kate9292]

Old news to the WW it happened 16 years ago.

 

 

New news because the BH just found out 16 years later. Found out news that may of had him change his mind and not marry his WW. A lie that forced the BH to live a life that has been based on a lie.

 

Don't you think the WW was a completely different person back then than she is now?

[peruano99]

I can't believe some of you are saying it's okay to cheat as long as it's a long time ago and you don't tell.

[Kate9292]

I can't believe some of you are saying it's okay to cheat as long as it's a long time ago and you don't tell.

 

It's not okay but it's not the same as if she cheated just recently.

[peruano99]

It's not okay but it's not the same as if she cheated just recently.

 

Yeah and if OP had been an excellent man to her, would you tell him he could leave her if he wanted? If he had never cheated on her, but she hid the truth from him all these years.

[BrokenPrincess]

I apologize for not keeping you updated. I've started back smoking cigarettes again, my wife and I haven't talked about what she's done we've kind of ignored it for now. I will try to get more out of her on new years eve. I know, wrong time, but I'll get her drunk and give her a guilt trip. Come'on if she really loves me she shouldn't hide anything from me and just tell me the truth.

 

Sounds like an excellent plan!!

[aliveagain]

Down2earth, only you can decide if reconciliation is worth it. Some advice being given to you is helpful some is just bad. Keep what makes sense to you the rest just ignore. This is about your family and the value you put on it. Some can never forgive infidelity and is an absolute deal breaker as it was for me, some will think things through and decide that forgiveness is their path, again only you can make that decision.

 

You see her actions, you know what remorse looks like, is she just speaking the words or is she about to have a breakdown because of what she did 16 years ago? Think about life without her everyday for you and your children, are you and they better off without her or with her as a family? You weren't the nicest guy 16 years ago, you did your own gang bangs, you slept with her cousin, you were locked up, but she's still with you. They don't lock up nice guys. How easy do you think it was for her to forgive you for banging her cousin? Be angry at your sleazy friends who took advantage of both of you while you were incarcerated.

 

It doesn't matter when it happened, you just found out about it so it's still new to you and the hurt is fresh, she's been dealing with it for 16 years. What matters is your both older and wiser, your children need their father and their mother. Don't listen to some bad advice and do something stupid like you both did when you were teenagers, your children need you to make an intelligent decision regardless of how you choose because their future is at stake.

 

Get help, don't try and fix this on your own, none of us are experts on this site so don't accept all your being told as gospel. I think you can tell the good advice from the bad even through the hurt. We have all been where you are now, some still are, some of us have divorced and moved on but what I can tell you regardless of the path you choose, they both hurt like hell.

[Kate9292]

Yeah and if OP had been an excellent man to her, would you tell him he could leave her if he wanted? If he had never cheated on her, but she hid the truth from him all these years.

 

But he wasn't. We don't answer based on what if, we answer based on what we have presented here.

[peruano99]

But he wasn't. We don't answer based on what if, we answer based on what we have presented here.

 

I'm saying that cheating is wrong, no matter if it happened yesterday, or if it happened years ago. I don't know any man who would be like " Oh well my wife cheated on me a long time ago, so I am just going to forgive her because clearly she was misunderstood and didn't know what she was doing. The fact that she lied to him for over 10 years is even worse.

[peruano99]

Wait a minute OP, something doesn't add up here. You said your wife made the stories that she was in a gang bang, but now you said you will make her tell you about what she's done. So which is which?

 

 

 

Haven't been able to eat well as of yesterday. I tried to speak to my wife about it again but she gets very frustrated and upset whenever I bring up the subject and doesn't want to talk about it. She told me she made up the stories during sex cause she felt it turned me on. I find this hard to believe, she constantly brings this up during sex and her story is consistent and very detailed. I find it hard to make up such a story.

Edited December 29, 2013 by peruano99

[sidney2718]

Originally Posted by peruano99 :

Yeah and if OP had been an excellent man to her, would you tell him he could leave her if he wanted? If he had never cheated on her, but she hid the truth from him all these years.

But he wasn't. We don't answer based on what if, we answer based on what we have presented here.

 

I think this is right. Furthermore, every case is different. Life is complex. Reducing it to a bunch of simple rules fails to work. And there are worse things than having an affair. I know that's not a popular view here, but it is the truth.

 

In this case we are here to help the OP. The question I have is, is he upset about the "fact" of the affair so many years ago that after 16 hears of happy marriage he has lost trust in his wife? Or does he feel that his maleness has been attacked and to keep his wife around means being reminded that he's not the supreme alpha male?

 

My guess (I stress that it is a guess) is the latter. His "friends", he probably feels, have been laughing at him behind his back all these years.

 

Advice here is hard. IC may help, but it may not. If trust has been lost, MC may be the way to go. But I think it is wrong to simply tear up a long-term marriage without even attempting to get to the root of the problem.

[Lei Ping]

I will never bring this up and confront anyone so this news doesn't get out there. This is a major lose of face and embarrassment to my family. What should I do and what is your opinions. Should I keep this girl or should I treat her like a whore and pass her around then kick her to the curb? Im serious. Please help.

Keep the Wife and lose the "friends".

 

 

She was Human, they were not.

[peruano99]

I think this is right. Furthermore, every case is different. Life is complex. Reducing it to a bunch of simple rules fails to work. And there are worse things than having an affair. I know that's not a popular view here, but it is the truth.

 

In this case we are here to help the OP. The question I have is, is he upset about the "fact" of the affair so many years ago that after 16 hears of happy marriage he has lost trust in his wife? Or does he feel that his maleness has been attacked and to keep his wife around means being reminded that he's not the supreme alpha male?

 

My guess (I stress that it is a guess) is the latter. His "friends", he probably feels, have been laughing at him behind his back all these years.

 

Advice here is hard. IC may help, but it may not. If trust has been lost, MC may be the way to go. But I think it is wrong to simply tear up a long-term marriage without even attempting to get to the root of the problem.

 

If she had told him right then she cheated on him, then I would have like them to work it out. But she basically hid the truth from him for so many years.

[down2earth]

UPDATE-

 

Thank you all for your support and opinions. I really appreciate it, last thing I'd ever want to do is waste your time.

 

We were able to talk to day, she told me I am not ready for the truth and she feels she can no trust me. The way I reacted to what she revealed to me during sex proved I was not ready and she doesnt want to hurt me. I told her the longer she keeps things a secret from me she cuts me deeper inside. I told her if she really loves me she would tell me the truth, she owe it to me. Am I right or wrong???

 

Why drag me a long and give me bits and pieces of the truth but retract on your words and claim it's only 4play? What do you guys think, you think her 4play story actually happened? I'm tired of the flip-flopping here I really feel like I dont know her. In my culture we dont forgive, more than likely I would let her go.

[down2earth]

Keep the Wife and lose the "friends".

 

 

She was Human, they were not.

 

Thank you. Although Im leaning towards letting her go another part of me wants to keep her and forgive her. It's comments like this that slowly encourages me to stay and forgive her. I feel like a total loser if I do forgive her and feel like a sucker. Im not a sucker. I know thats what people think of me now behind my back considering they took part.

 

This is the hardest thing I've been through I keep wondering why me.

[lollipopspot]

In my culture we dont forgive, more than likely I would let her go.

 

What culture are you from? Are you living in the US?

[Iguanna]

What do you guys think, you think her 4play story actually happened?

 

Why are you asking us? You said you talked with your wife. Didn't she tell you the truth? How would we know? Why don't you get her have a poly test?

[peruano99]

UPDATE-

 

Thank you all for your support and opinions. I really appreciate it, last thing I'd ever want to do is waste your time.

 

We were able to talk to day, she told me I am not ready for the truth and she feels she can no trust me. The way I reacted to what she revealed to me during sex proved I was not ready and she doesnt want to hurt me. I told her the longer she keeps things a secret from me she cuts me deeper inside. I told her if she really loves me she would tell me the truth, she owe it to me. Am I right or wrong???

 

Why drag me a long and give me bits and pieces of the truth but retract on your words and claim it's only 4play? What do you guys think, you think her 4play story actually happened? I'm tired of the flip-flopping here I really feel like I dont know her. In my culture we dont forgive, more than likely I would let her go.

 

 

..........The way she states you are not ready for the whole truth probably means she cheated on you more than once after that incident. Let her go and move on man.

Edited December 30, 2013 by peruano99

[drifter777]

UPDATE-

 

Thank you all for your support and opinions. I really appreciate it, last thing I'd ever want to do is waste your time.

 

We were able to talk to day, she told me I am not ready for the truth and she feels she can no trust me. The way I reacted to what she revealed to me during sex proved I was not ready and she doesnt want to hurt me. I told her the longer she keeps things a secret from me she cuts me deeper inside. I told her if she really loves me she would tell me the truth, she owe it to me. Am I right or wrong???

 

Why drag me a long and give me bits and pieces of the truth but retract on your words and claim it's only 4play? What do you guys think, you think her 4play story actually happened? I'm tired of the flip-flopping here I really feel like I dont know her. In my culture we dont forgive, more than likely I would let her go.

See the bolded part, above. This is proof positive that the gang-bang did happen and she is afraid to confirm it once and for all. I mean, how could a fantasy "hurt" you? It might make you mad to know she has this fantasy of screwing a bunch of your friends, but "hurt you"? Don't be so naive, she did it.

 

I've told you before and I'll say it again: nothing you have posted here indicates you are ever going to forgive her for what she did and, maybe more importantly, you will never forgive yourself for accepting her back into your life. She disrespected you like few wives have ever done to their SO. She held it from you - which is lying - for all this time making everything a lie.

 

You only want to try to forgive and forget because you are afraid of breaking up your family and of facing the world as a divorced man. You must believe that you are going to be far, far better off walking away from the marriage then staying and making yourself and everyone else miserable. She blew up your relationship when she selfishly decided to indulge in such low-life, slutty behavior just for the pure nastiness of it all. Stop wavering here; you know what you have to do.

[peruano99]

See the bolded part, above. This is proof positive that the gang-bang did happen and she is afraid to confirm it once and for all. I mean, how could a fantasy "hurt" you? It might make you mad to know she has this fantasy of screwing a bunch of your friends, but "hurt you"? Don't be so naive, she did it.

 

I've told you before and I'll say it again: nothing you have posted here indicates you are ever going to forgive her for what she did and, maybe more importantly, you will never forgive yourself for accepting her back into your life. She disrespected you like few wives have ever done to their SO. She held it from you - which is lying - for all this time making everything a lie.

 

You only want to try to forgive and forget because you are afraid of breaking up your family and of facing the world as a divorced man. You must believe that you are going to be far, far better off walking away from the marriage then staying and making yourself and everyone else miserable. She blew up your relationship when she selfishly decided to indulge in such low-life, slutty behavior just for the pure nastiness of it all. Stop wavering here; you know what you have to do.

 

Do you think when she said that , she also meant she had other affairs that she didn't tell the OP yet?